My fingers,
they tremble.
But no more do they tremor then
my grandmother in her bed,
because the surreptitious secret that is held
in between her legs threatens her every second.
When I was younger I had wished to be an actor,
on a large stage, for when I saw a picture of her in her younger years,
I could have sworn she was in movies.
But now it hits me ,
that the only stage she will ever see
is 4.
And it breaks me,
and cuts holes into my chest,
likes the holes in my closet door from my outlashes.

I wonder if I could have cut holes into my grandfathers chest,
maybe his lungs wouldn't have filled with so much fluid.
And while it causes my hands to tremble,
it causes my lips to quiver,
because maybe if they didn't I would have been able to
put my spoon down.
Maybe the angry neighborhood girl
wouldn't have told me to down another bottles of pills,
but I did because the refrigerator was empty,
and the emptiness in my stomach
had spread to my chest.

I wonder if my cousins would have been nicer.
I always looked up to my father,
so by the time I was in the sixth grade and I could fit into his shirts,
I felt like a man myself.

Don't tell me my grandmother will make it to my graduation,
because she can't even get out of bed.
Don't tell me I didn't get to see my grandfathers face at his open casket,
because of a math test.

Why is it that my father spends more time in front of a television,
than having a conversation with me?
Why is that at 14 I had no place to call home besides
the bottom of a pill bottle?

God tell me,
why my grandmother not make it to my birthday?
God tell me,
why doesn't my father remember my birthday?
God tell me,
why didn't my grandfather make it to my birthday?
God tell me,
why had I made it to my birthday,
that my grandfather never got to see me on stage,
because the day of the performance,
he was ashes,
and urns can't make it to performances?

God tell me,
why are my fingers gripping bottles of earthquakes,
and my throat is the pacific ocean?
Are these earthquakes the reason I can not find the courage to speak up
when spoken to?
Why I can't trust pretty girls, because the most beautiful
I've ever seen is laying in a hospital bed?

Health problems run in my family,
and I wonder when I'll be too slow to get away.
Because hide and seek is not just a playground game,
but it is played every day in high school.
And why do those with trembling fingers
find their throats to be the pacific ocean when gripping
bottles of eathquakes,
why do they find their necks perfect to swing by,
why they believe they must be native americans
because every day they open their arms to let the bad spirits out?


God tell me,
when will my fingers stop trembling?

We were a walking cliche,
unoriginal straight from the desires of beauty
to evolve into prosperity
that was doomed from the start.

I went from this awkward mystery,
to a playful, loving,spontaneous boy
that just so happened to say things that at the moment
sounded beautiful,
but beauty isn't always a dull blade and it can
still cut for years on end.

It started with the first letter.
written on a Walgreens card,
and it soon turned to Eskimo kisses, and we'd cuddle,
until it was too hot and sweaty,
and I would write notes, and underline in my favorite novels,
then I'd give them to her to read.
I was never comfortable enough
to eat in front of her because the butterflies
she gave me, filled my stomach.
And when she kissed me,
it often felt like her lips ****** the air out of my lungs,
or punched me in the rib cage, and
I couldn't tell the difference because both would leave me breathless
and in pain.
I'd talk to her in different voices, like
Batman or Count Dracula,
and I'd tickle her and then we'd play fight,
and it was so cliche but I loved it,
and I told myself from the start not to get attached to her,
and I didn't for the longest time,
until one day she looked at me and I knew I had ****** up and
I couldn't just detach myself because sewing yourself
to someone isn't that simple.

****, that was long and unnecessary.

The moral of the story  is,
it was all cliche which made it that much easier
to fall for.

“I have my mother’s mouth and my father’s eyes;
on my face they are
still together.”

-Warsan Shire

Calories.
When I was 6 years old,
my mother told me I would consume
too many calories.
I would consume them by the hundreds,
by the thousands.
I was Godzilla and they were the people I dominated.
When my parents left one another
I had to fill myself with some other source of affection.
And the insulin rushes were tremendous.
When I was 11,
I had to see the doctor to be in fear of getting Diabetes,
and being grossly overweight.
At at age of 15, I was over 280 pounds
of walking disappointments.
I had always believed my stomach carried my happiness
and the fat under my chin kept my head high.
But after being rejected for so long,
I snapped.
I always had an attachment to food,
a sort of inseperable bond.
But I remember looking at myself in the mirror one night,
completely disgusted, tears welling in my eyes,
and I puked from the anger I felt inside of me.
So don't tell me the calories I consume today
don't burn more
than the bleach Amanda Todd drank,
or that the more hollow my stomach becomes,
I am not able to better hide my sorrows.
Do not dare tell me eat something,
because I've craved biting the bullet for the past 8
******* years, and carbohydrates
has caused more sadness in my heart than anything else.

Do not tell me other teenagers do not cut open their arms,
to let calories out,
because they are scared to Christ that someone may judge them,
if they eat an apple.
Because the first woman that ate an apple, ****** humankind.
And by having a sip of your Iced Tea,
or a french fry, might just dissolve the earth from beneath us.
Why we hide from nutrition labels,
and run from anything with a number greater than
ZERO
on it.

I was taught that happiness comes from a nutrition label,
and how many servings one consumes,
not the smile on ones face,
or the good in one's heart.

Calories have ruined my life,
and I will never forgive any nutrition label for that.

You promised to kiss me at
each stop light we encountered.
Each one.
With each daring red light
we stumbled upon,
you promised to lock lips,
and steal the stumbling words
off of my tongue.
But dear, the drugs I've been taking
has stolen the red lights we came across
for it's kept me up for nights on end,
and stolen my sanity
like an alley robbery,
and theses voices that followed
the influx of serotonin
left me depleted and void
because all I want now
is to come across a red stoplight.
I need a second to breathe,
with the walls closing ,
I'm searching for a door which might as well be the pack of pills
or the touch of your lips
but darling I am a roadrunner and I haven't stopped since
my mother recommended I went for a run,
and my heart weighs me down , and the thoughts cause me to drop
my chin in the face of my father
because when you kissed me the first time,
it hurt more then anything I've ever experienced.

When it comes to negativity,
I never believed it was possible to stop,
so I kept going.

I swear ,
I have never meant to hurt you,
But my hands are knives
Unsheathed
And I swear it was
Never my intention
To leave you
But my feet started moving
Before my mouth
Could speak up
Because my voice box
Can’t stand up for itself
Because it’s a paraplegic
And shoelaces tied
Or not,
I will still fall every time I look into your eyes.
Jesus Christ,
My knees buckle more then my belt collection,
And my hands shake more then maracas.
Because when I said you were everything I had,
I sold everything for you.

I can not help but cringe from your touch,
But who am I to blame?
For after stomping on my assertion,
And spitting on my self esteem,
You left.
Like a whisper in the wind,
And my heart breaks my ribs
With every gentle breeze,
Expecting your return.