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tonymac2113 Sep 2015
I awoke in a jungle no man should roam, years spent trying to find my way home, looking to my side my heart sunk as I realized I was alone, what happened to never leaving me on my own, another trip as I ignore a ringing phone, only because I know what's waiting on the other end, a bright future turned
to could have been, loves decoy turned out to be nothing more than a friend, tattered remnants of a torn heart no seamstress could ever mend, another scar as another trip is about to begin, I only walked away because I knew you wouldn't condone all this sin, and I hate lying when you ask where I've been, so instead I close my eyes and tighten my grip on this pen, and let loose the monsters within..
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
How could I forget them cold winter nights, those long bitter fights, those potentially fatal flights, lifeless body beneath florescent lights, preacher reading my last rights, **** now isn't that a sad sight, now tell me everything will be alright, I have to go when death comes so **** what you tell me about life, so many times you told me to take my heart and hold it tight, to never put it in the fight, I never meant for them to see what I was doing to myself, living for the end and nothing else, after he left I stayed on that pharmacy shelf, slowly watching my mind melt, stay gone so the pain can't be felt, six for the trip there, three more to get me in the air, nothing can compare, the heart I can't share, the pain I can't bare, dilated pupils and a cold distant stare, addiction and death labeled the perfect pair, tears streaming lungs void of air, and I'm not even at the peak, arms out as I reach, completely disregarded that speech, standing at that podium had my heart weak, tears began to fall before I could even speak, if I told you about my struggle would you even listen, fake smile because I know they pay attention, mind in a dire condition, why do you think my future is something I rarely mention, because honestly I dont even know if I'll make it there, saw the badlands so I had to take it there, just make sure they have my funeral and wake there, I cried til it hurt, begging with my knees in the dirt, asking what the **** is my life worth, why did she decide against birth, why couldn't I control this curse, questions that have me deprived of sleep, on the edge thinking just leap, made promises I knew I couldn't keep, never could comprehend what they said, to many fatal memories swimming in my head, looked down on for the life being led, this beast begging to be fed, six years marked in red, the key to insanity inked over my heart, destroyed before you could even start, sadly that tore my ******* life apart, couldn't cope with the pain, soul exposed in the rain,, never even had a name, my life labeled a ******* shame, partly because I treat everything like a game, tripp til my body is forever lain, losing your sanity leaves nothing to gain, addiction is a beast no mortal can tame, reckless as **** as I speed down memory lane, fleeting prayers whispered in vain, I could stop but why, let my soul leak as I let this pen cry, six to let this mind fly, nothing short of bliss, if you care about life you wouldn't live like this, I have heard that ever since we were kids, **** we were just kids, so my vision of a family was artificial and fake, I knew a life was something I wasn't ready to create, but it **** well wasn't something we had the right to take, that wasn't our decision to make, tripped just to avoid the heartache, so **** quiet I could hear that heart break, handed my life over to this addiction just a short time later, another six months gone then I lost my saviour, young reckless behavior, just a nudge right now would push me over the end, when i was just 17 i lost a very close friend, and ever since then life just hasnt been the same,  thats the biggest reason i had to make a change, i just couldnt cope with the pain, even on the brightest days it can still rain,
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
Have you ever walked hand in hand with death, watched your life flash by as you took your last breath, knowing that the darkness is all that is left, can you imagine losing faith in humanity, trip as I slowly slip further into insanity, mind laying on the vanity, shouldn't be able to know what that feeling is, but I've been gone since we were kids, i see them judging my life like they did his, it's a sad thought believe me, these days all they see is him when they see me, six to the mind just to be me, mind screaming please free me, heart screamed out please dont leave me, but that was so long ago now wasn't it, back before I fell in love with this ****, before my mind took that trip, pay attention or life will leave you behind, but thats something the insane dont mind, I speak for my kind, got to hell and just pressed rewind, do it all again if I had the time, stop looking for something that you won't find, words from the wise taught me tomorrow might not come, so i never stop at just one, six for the run, looking back wondering if there was something I could have done, thats a pointless life to some, but coherent thoughts are rare where I come from, permanent ink for the ones who didn't survive the fight, I couldn't understand what was going through his mind that night, so it was six straight to the mind as I boarded that flight, running out of time as I began wondering through the light,
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
Memories of late night rendezvous at the park, now we're no more than strangers in the dark, when you look back at your life will I have left a mark, because you were the only thing holding my life together when I wanted nothing more than to tear it apart, if you've seen your end where do you even start, will I just be another faded memory gone with the breeze, can you tell me how the ******* replaced me with such ease, screaming to an empty sky death take me away please, I wonder if you know that you will always have my heart, don't you see it  was yours from the very start, looking to my side I can't believe what I'm seeing, tears fell as I watched you fleeing, you looked me in the eyes as you lied and destroyed every fiber of my very being, honestly I know I can survive without you in my life, but to do so each dark day must end with a tripped night, knowing all to well that each trip has the potential of becoming a one way flight, in my darkest hours you were my only source of light, thoughts of you and the life we planned were the only reasons I had the strength to fight, with a pen in hand the future was ours to write, but that was before I discovered all the lies hidden just out of sight, to be honest I almost decided to join him the very next day, I'm an addict that's prone to self loathing and heartache what more can I say, I know i have only myself to blame for my life going this way, I knew the chances I was taking all to well when I began this journey, but I never even imagined you being the one to burn me,
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
I remember when we first met, you were so pure and i was full of regret, even from that first night my heart was yours you just didn't know it yet, i fell in love on the spot i just couldn't show it yet, a connection that formed so fast, completely erased the pain from the last, you accepted who i was even despite my past, burned so many bridges without a second thought, each day thinking how lucky i am for what I've got, each second together spent wishing more could be bought, but then you were caught, they watched as we fought, they said you could do better than someone stuck in the same spot, i gave you everything from my soul to my heart, handed it over thinking we would never be apart, little did i know you had been lying from the start, i don't even know who you are anymore, but then again i guess i didn't even know the real you before, you let me build our life on lies knowing exactly what was in store, now I'm back to wondering what the **** love is for, this has changed me as a person and that's something i just can't ignore, feeling the pain radiating from my core, stuck between turning my back or walking back in the door, bloodshot eyes spilling tears on the floor, no matter what you will be my last, even if our time has passed, starting to feel like i did right before i crashed, this will surely bring tears that i know, what the **** would you expect though, i waited eagerly as i watched you grow, knowing it was worth it because one day our love could show, dull grey eyes that no longer glow, so many lies that i don't even know what to believe, don't you know it would ******* **** me if i decided to leave, a life without you is something i could never conceive, i gave you my ******* soul Macie and this is what i get in return, you would think after the life I've had that i would learn, I've been in your shoes so i guess this time it was my turn, don't ******* act like it is now because before this my life was never your concern, just remember that you get what you earn, and to feel the flame you must first burn...
I will never trust another person like I trusted you
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
Bears lions tigers, thieves swindlers liars, your soul burns to feed hells fires, but thats not widely known, sorta like the feelings not being shown, a trip to the other side on my own, told me if I respected life I would leave it alone, but this addiction has grown, can't even hear my soul moan, a king being overthrown, what it feels like anyway, waiting on death any day, I'm a lost cause is what so many say, just a nod and okay, followed by whats the next play, and did you know the last called just the other day, told me I could be saved if I would just pray, hung up and threw that book away, I guess I should stop because this isn't making sense anymore, passed out with my soul covering the floor, woke up to death at the door, asked if I knew what was in store, I'm sorry if this is a story you've heard before, I truly do not mean to bore, the vast emptiness in my eyes is something they just can't ignore, I remember when this trip **** was nothing more than a key to unlock the doors in my mind, came stumbling back but sadly I left myself behind, maybe its something I will one day find, but til then its one tripped night after another, for my past sins my future self will surely suffer, started searching for death right after we buried my brother, I know one day my memory will be gone like yesterday, tomorrow isn't promised is what I've heard many say, but I just keep abusing life anyway, waiting on death any day, the root of this madness is quite simple if you would just look, just another page in yet another book, under the weight of the world you never shook, on that cold november night my idol isn't the only one death took, because I was right by his side, told him I was always along for the ride, even after me they still won't decide, the nights I cried, all the times I lied, and after all this time I still haven't tried, but we both know thats not a truthful line, but I swore I would never surrender mine, but I was at such a dark place at the time,
tonymac2113 Jul 2015
December 11, 2012

Maybe her smiling is really you telling me you forgive me. Maybe one day we can meet face to face in a place without time and space. I love you, whoever you would have been.

Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't deserve that blessing, found myself on the line to insanity just pressing, all these worthless things I'm stressing, I guess this is my way of confessing, I wanted that soul more than I wanted to live, but when the time came I had nothing to give, I know that there will never be an excuse for what I did, ****, I was just a kid, so my vision of happiness was artificial and fake, I knew a life is something I wasn't ready to create, but it **** sure wasn't something we had the right to take, after that my life felt like one big mistake, I still don't know how I made it through those nights, so many fatal flights, gram after gram before each of the fights, I want to tell you something that no one else will ever know, remember that cold February night that seemed to move so slow, that's the night I chose to let go, I couldn't handle always feeling so low, so gram by gram I prepared myself for the worse, woke up the next morning cursing this curse, why the **** did I survive, they said divine intervention was the only reason I was alive, so now the darkness is the only place my mind can thrive, a year later I found myself back in the same place, doubled the dose just in case, I turned the music up and looked myself in the face, I wrote you a letter and put it in a safe place, I found it just the other day, looking back I don't know how I survived living that way, I remember crying not knowing what to say, I started falling apart as you walked away, six months later in a cold dark room strapped to a bed, you would go insane if you knew what was going through my head, thoughts of being better off dead, that's why I got those marks in red, one for each year I made it, knowing before to long I will just be another memory that has faded, to my kind normality has always been hated, doing whatever it takes to evade it, tears streak down my face as I think about all the birthdays that will never be celebrated, looking at my life I just ******* hate it, the potential wasted is something I am constantly reminded of, looking her in the eyes wishing I could somehow show some kind of love, she deserves better than I can ever be, wondering if I'll ever know free, so many unknown doors and I found the key, used to use just so I could see, seven years later and it is still consuming me, but I'll never let them know how bad this **** has become, why do you think I've spent the last six years on the run, I wish I could go back to when I would just trip for fun, now each night I wonder if I will make it to the morning sun, or will death finally punish me for everything I've done, only time will tell that tale, so until then I'm gonna trip without fail, till my body is cold and frail, slowly building my casket each trip is just another nail, these days my eyes seem so hollow and pale,
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