I get the growing sense
that words are within my soul
yet I keep them hidden
a secret
even to me.
The front of my mind
seems an abyss
and the words I find stirring
much deeper within
perhaps it'll churn
and then stumble out
with no control
perhaps it'll flow like water
which ever the outlet
Im certain of this
that words
are within my soul.

Flat lined on the hospital table
Spiritual ER hardly stable
So blind, unconscious,
like some show on cable
I saw myself laying there
Dying and disabled

I heard the machines
The beeping was declining
Nurses rushing
"We’re losing her doctor
She’s not even fighting"

See, in reality I was smiling
As the world went by me
While inside denying
Too much garbage I’d been hiding

Hurts which I thought were buried
Oh the disappointments they varied
And so too much baggage I carried
while myself & lies were about to be married

unforgiveness was the altar
And bitterness the ring
Unbelief like a witness
Disobedience like a wedding theme

Because somehow my heart of flesh
Had turned to stone
Like I had turned my back on the truth I’d known
Too many wounds
My scars that showed
I had enough
Like the prodigal son, decided to hit the road

I couldn’t save myself even if I tried.
My vitals were dropping
as I held onto my pride
Vitals like hope,
And the desire to keep living
My knowledge of the cross
Felt like a guilt burden

Because I hated my own helplessness
What a failure I had felt
I surely failed God
Just like I had failed myself
I self loathed and pitied
Feeling far from help
In darkness, gave up on myself
And death was the result.

But In the spiritual emergency room,
Like they're about to call time of death
The Doctor rushes in and says
“I’m not done with her yet”

Defibulator named love
Shock waves of truth
Loosening the grips of death
Destroyed deceptions noose
A second shock of love then came
Courage filled my veins again
Like oxygen revitalising my brain
Like an anesthetic relieving the pain
One final shock
A breath of hope
Gasping deeply
my heart no longer choked.

So He excavated my heart
Right after an injection of faith
A painful process
But necessary to loose the chains
For darkness to be gone
And Light to be my robe
I was slowly recovering
As my life was being made whole.

So alive in His grace
A mercy filled report chart
I was given a new heart
Myself and my Saviour were no longer apart
Yet still came an even harder part
Rehabilation had to start.

King of all Surgeons
My counselor, so kind He said:
“You're healed, and delivered
But transformation is in
The renewing of your mind”

He said: I paid the cost for your life to be saved
Your life insurance through my own expense has been paid
No condemnation because you've newly been made
Because I heard every cry of help that you prayed

Let me explain:

I was rescued from deception
Set free through redemption
So now everyday He captures my attention
Asking me one simple faith question:

WILL YOU TRUST ME?

And every day I vow: Jesus, I do.

I looked at you
saw the pain in your eyes
and you couldnt hide the shame
how lost in a world of darkness
you were

my heart broke
into a million little pieces
my arms were just too short
you hid your soul too far

i see you.
i see your young hurting heart
how angry you are with the world
Only sixteen
But the worlds evils
leave no one free

Just dont stop fighting.

my heart literally aches
and my appetite fades

dont stop fighting for life.

dont stop believing in good.

I see you.
Even though you hide.

I see you.

I love you.

Just dont stop fighting,
for Life.

I looked at my white t-shirt today
I remembered.
I remembered your tears
like heart stains
As you lay in my arms
I remember how our embrace
Seemed to make the world ok
Like if we just layed there
and stayed in our bubble
we would be ok
and we were.
Today there are no stains anymore
no us anymore
but I remembered.

I felt a little lost entering 2013,
the same amount of lost I felt leaving 2012.
I just don’t get it, this thing called life.

I thought I was. Getting it.
But it still eludes me.
Maybe just a little disillusioned.

I seek truth.
To fight lies that always seems to threaten my mind.
But there still seems to be two voices.
There are always two voices.
And I hate that I always end up in that awkward middle ground.

Maybe this is everyone's struggle.
Thinking we're getting better,
Till something comes and knocks us down again.
Most of the time though,
I think, that something is me.
There is no one else to blame.

I feel a little disillusioned,
By the sense of purpose I felt.
I was so sure.
So sure that I was meant to do something specific,
something special with my life.
And yet the evidence of my life speaks volumes.

So there's a voice that beckons,
Telling me to push through,
Because there is indeed purpose in all the madness.
My own inner voice.
The voice of dreams and visions,
Of inner convictions and revelations.
Also the voice of those who believe in my potential.
Prophecies,
Words of encouragement.

And then there's the voice
The voice pointing, "Look at your life"
Is this the fruits of a child of God?
You're an ordinary person.
And not a good one at that.

The voice that reminds me of all the times I've tried,
And failed.
The voice that reminds me of prayers I’ve prayed,
Things I’ve hoped for,
And seen no evidence of.
Times where I chose faith,
And nothing happened.

It’s strange really.
This awkward middle ground.

How does one feel so confident,
And yet so insecure.
So wise,
And yet so stupid.
So strong,
And yet so weak.
So hopeful,
And yet so hopeless.
So sure of purpose,
And yet so unsure of the path.

Faith and unbelief do not co-exist.

So what is this?
Why is my mind always been tormented?
I know truth.
And still struggle to discern lies.
Until it’s too late.
Or almost.
The duality makes me tired.

I want no part in evil.
And yet my propensity towards sin just makes me feel bad.
And it’s as if scripture itself torments me.
See, I know God's standard is holiness.
And the plain truth is,
Often, I don’t feel good enough.
Like I just don’t make the cut.

The common Christian answer
Obvious and straightforward
Simply. Its grace.
God's grace and love that covers a multitude of sin.

I don’t think I understand then.
Because I’ve accepted this.
Truly.
And yet.
I feel like somehow if I really understood,
I shouldn’t be in this place.
Struggling.

My faith is being tested.
All the time,
It seems.
And I don’t always feel like I'm passing.

I know God's forgiveness.
But I also know He is a just God.
He doesn’t tolerate sin and disobedience.
I almost feel doomed.
I fear Him most of all.
And everyday I pray for mercy.
But I don’t want to just survive.

I realise that I have allowed the enemy's lies,
to infiltrate my mind.
And only the Word.
Jesus.
Truth.
Can conquer that.

I feel so undeserving.
I feel I have so far to go...
But I also know that I can’t fix myself.

Even though I feel like I'm not sure,
How to move forward,
as in the next step,
I’m walking blindly anyway

Hoping that He'll open my eyes to see.
Really see.

My heart is sore.
Disappointment and sadness I suppose.
But I don’t want to become bitter.
And I’m not.

the Truth,
shall set me free.

Though I saw your face,
Never could I have guessed
that in my heart today,
would be this friendship treasured - truly blessed.

High school was so different,
back then just passers by
then we found ourselves at college
occasional lifts, and the occasional "hi"

Yet somehow over time
Despite changes life does bring
We met again, a Sunday lunch
It was like I’d met my kindred being.

And ever since that day
I can only say we've grown
The person you would be to me
I never could have known.

I never dreamed of such a caring heart
Nor the happiness you'd bring
Sharing the journey with someone special
Somehow made my heart sing

You've been one in a million
Even though it sounds cliché
Its hard to find the words
to make you see what I’m trying to say

Basically my words are less
than my heart is willing to express
A joy its been, walking our mile
A friendship true - beyond worthwhile.

Mesmorised by Your beauty
Your radiance
Just one glance
Your glorious countenance
Your love weakens my very soul
I smile.
Your eyes burn with love.
Your Presence radiates
Loudly.
In splendor.
There is no denying.
You are my One, and Only.
Forever.
Forever Yours.

I dreamed a dream
but forgot as i woke
and the remnents linger on in my soul
I grab hold of the snippets
the small little pieces
Weaving them to make it seem whole
but quickly i see
its not meant to be
my patching and sewing’s in vain
Closing my eyes
walking in faith
Hoping the dream will live again.

For though I have not seen your face
Etched in my heart you are.
Ingrained within, no common place
A face in a million by far.

A face in a million
Yet not a statistic
In courage you raised your voice.
Opportunity came
You shied not away
You spoke, and gave each of us a choice.

"Remember my face!"
Your pain commanded attention.
"Remember my face!"
Your abuse in full comprehension.
"Remember my face!"
No good deed is compensation.
"Remember my face...
I represent a hurting generation."

Nine going on ten,
Your voice was heard
Arrows to complacent or misguided views

Your boldness and truth
Silenced excuses
To the call I surrender, to remember, I surely will choose.

Let me attempt,
to simplify why I wont relent
Why even if there’s no consent,
my heart cant be changed or bent.

See, this life I live
not mine to take but mine to give.
No rights to claim,
No power in this world i hope to obtain.
To live is Christ, to die is gain.

But before I found understanding,
my life in shambles fading
in shame I was quickly degrading,
in a hopeless waste-filled land i was wading.

In my sin i was caught,
but with a price i was bought,
and in the truth i was taught
i stood and i fought...
Only to find myself falling once more,
i found myself in a downpour
confused not sure,
stuck without a plan or open door,
with little faith i fell to the floor.

I cried and cried,
poured out everything on my inside.
I wondered why,
why i was feeling so dry...
why answers seemed to hide...
if His peace again i would find...

But before hope is gone,
He reminds me of the cross
how He came for the hopeless and the lost,
my life surrendered the only cost...

So I lay down my pride,
my rights,
my will,
my life,
I take the nothing that i have,
and follow His plan.

Everyday i choose.
The lies i refuse.
I pray to be used,
for His glory, not abused.
I pray for His light,
I pray to be made right,
I pray during the night,
to walk by faith and not by sight.

Now, I’ve lost count
all the times He came,
rescued me again and again,
changing me never to be the same.
He never reframes,
in giving me the grace He bore in pain

Spiritual I.C.U
revived my soul and made me new.
Me, without a clue
Him, showing me what is true...
I decided my obedience was long overdue.

I live.
I breathe.
In Him I have my being
By faith I am seeing
His love is redeeming
Everyday Im believing
New mercy Im receiving
No longer am I bleeding
I received His healing
Now my hearts revealing
the passion I’ve been concealing

but fear no longer leads me,
PERFECT LOVE SET ME FREE

Inward change
Outside remains
the same
How to be an element of change
Now that I’m on a different page?
All I feel is tension
Between what I see
And what could be
Faith the substance
Hoped for
Despite that things are not so clear anymore
So what now
I have no clue how
To move from here to there
Without entering the maze of despair
How to stay with head held high
Not in pride
But when new life’s come by
When everything wants to scream
Because inside its all clean
Yet outside threatens the dream
Hope. Hope? Where are you?
Come rescue me again.
I need you to show your face
Remember me your old friend?

The alley way seems dark
Secluded little place
And some might even say
Here danger lurks with its evil face

Yet somehow I’m not scared
Though the light is dim
Knowing morning comes after night
Keeps doubt to a minimum

So here I am
Alone I stand
A shadow in a distant land

At a peculiar time
There’ll be sunshine
All the light in the world will be mine

So in this moment
The alley way and I
Will exist in a common place

I might contemplate
In the quietness of night or
The complexity of our human race.

I want my heart to beat
But synchronized to Yours.
My inner being all wrapped up in You

My heart is raw
Emotion exposed
I need to be alone with You.

I need to feel your tenderness.
I need to hear You breathe.
I need you.

I need Your life, Your love
Take hold of me
I need to feel close to You.

My spirit is weak.
I know You are more.
I need You to Breathe.

I want my heart to beat
But synchronized to Yours.
My inner being all wrapped up in You.

In the line of fire I stand
Blood in a drought filled land
The flesh wound smell
My nostrils are filled
Deaths desperate attempt
The air is chilled.

I reach out to free…
But then the blood is on me.

I can’t stop the gushing red
Shrieking pain, poisoned head
Grasping for a breath of faith
The air is thin, I cry out instead.

A cry of anger
Beyond wounded souls
Interrupted territory
Hot words. Burning coals.

Twisted cry
Mortality advert
Twisted truth
Woven with hurt.
Reconciliation I call
A gut filled plea
Groping dust.
Face down.
I cry out.
“mercy…?”

Rage?
Rage.
Rage!
Torrent of emotions within me.
Sways me back and forth.
Threatens my balanced poise.
Screaming?
Screaming.
Screaming!
Im asking why.
I dont want this.
I. dont. want. this.
I dont want to fight.
Yet. i say nothing.
I do nothing.
and then.
Numbing pain.
Helplessness.
I close my eyes to hide my tears.
Now's not the time to fall apart i say.
I check my pulses.
Listen to my own breathing.
Im still alive.
There must be a reason.
And I continue going about my day.

Desperate for the profound.
The deep and intense.
Revelation.
On the verge of breakthrough.
Its in my bones.
Not accustomed to the feeling,
Yet I welcome it.
Savour it.
It drives me.
Beyond insanity.
To a world of faith.
And hope.
I hope.
I hope in resurrection.
I breathe.
Because I have died.
Sometimes still.
And I hope.
I long.
For the deepest part of me to be satisfied.
Desperate.
Yet hoping.

Debilitating ways, our nature
In the mud of the world we trap ourselves
Absorbed in societal patterns
Childlike faith being shelved

An array of material beauty
A fleeting moment to bear
But soon it all vanishes
Like its worth, into thin air

Breathlessness. Grasping.
Regular rhythm an outstretch away
Yet within raptured moments,
Fickle pleasures, fade the grey.

Like a light switch not turned on
Not seeing what’s at stake
Barely realizing, the fading of the day
A drive to somehow partake

To be alive, to feel
The instant magical happiness race
Do we realize what that means?
Or is it life’s enforced face?

Mostly we need to wake up
Recognize the obvious hollow
Surely to be filled by that
and Who we decide to follow

Its simple yet complex
The very nature of our being
The paradox of life though
Is in the believing, not the seeing.

We throw around “I love you”
Like children playing catch
Disregard for incubated tenderness
Too impatient to let it hatch.

We throw it on the floor
***** with all kinds of mud
Disregarding potential growth
Limited as a spud.

We drag it in the dust
As if we never care
Hearts. Raw love. Precious.
Yet, not considered rare.

Perforated souls
Deadly games of fear
Initial intention: hope and love
Yet harbored pains appear

Yet smiles appear on every face
Pretending its all ok
Too hard to face true worth I suppose
So our hearts of love, become child’s play.

A common misconception
We believe the lies are true
But let’s review true treasure again
Let our understanding of love be new.

A breath of sober air
Filling the depth of my lungs
First in a while
Can't even call it denial

Blatant avoidance
Of sobering truth
Till one morning you awake
Wondering if it was all a mistake

The illusion
The freedom
The feelings of a happy place
The hiding
The playing
Closely laying face to face

Coz when the veil is gone
And mirror comes crashing down
Somehow one can't control
Tears, hurt, frowns

Yes. Pain.
you sobering fool
You ripped my heart
And tore it in two

You squeezed so hard
So your presence was known
suffocating indeed
I struggle to breathe

And yet I know
I have no one to blame
I gave you a key
So its all on me

And in the same breath
I could never regret
Yet its time that you leave
Give me back the keys

Give me back my joy
Give me back my smile
I will love forever
Even when I don't know how

I'm sober now
Not living a dream
Let the journey begin
Hoping love will win...

Broken hearts are crumbling
Young angels falling fast
These precious gifts don’t realise
They’re more than what has passed.

They’re hurting and crying
The pain filled eyes are haunting
Searching for a saviour
Because the world to them is daunting

Shattered tender hearts
So many times let down
An aching from the depth of them
Confusion brings a frown

Yet hoping and dreaming
They keep fighting to win the race
Determination for survival
Outweighs the fears they face

In a world so big and scary
Injustices are real
Adolescent minds are seeking
Answers to how they feel

My helplessness frustrating
Arms too short to heal
The surety of limitations
Threaten compassionate zeal

Unrealistic desire to free and save
Impossible to deny
But: “I believe you’re worth it, don’t give up”
Is surely the helper’s cry

Bottled up affection
So much more to give.
Bursting to just give it away
Much less than to receive.

A motive beyond selfishness
Logic seams protruded.
Less sensical to understanding,
Yet truly, eternally concluded.

Pivotal to our existence,
Impossible separation from our souls.
Loving another, only to love
Brazen faith like internal coals

A surrendering of hearts
Uncomfortable yet embracive
Doubts exist, but pale in comparison
Love being more persuasive.

The deepest truth
The greatest need
Saddest misplaced reality

Life long searching
Journeying toward
An unconditional love mentality

Still trying to find my feet
Hopping skipping running to the beat
The beat that flows
Above the noise
The noise of the world
Threatening poise
Coming and going
Trying to be found
Breathing, stretching
Or turning around
Moving. Not standing
No time to waste
Wasted opportunities
To learn, love and taste
Taste and see
A way to know the truth
Eternal forever
Beyond the foolishness of youth
Swept away by the motion
Dancing in the breeze
Hope for steady stepping
Life the paradoxical tease
Always on the move
No way to cheat
No reason beyond mystery
Still trying to find my feet

One of those quiet days
When no body says a word
When any kind of noise or sound
Seems thoroughly absurd

Each to their own world
No desire to reach out
All on the same team
Yet no cheerleaders faffing about

No, not today
Today the energies are low
Everybody on their own road
Focused on what they know

I won’t say I’m complaining
The quiet can be good
But being a talkative person
Quiet days seem longer than they should

So I’m sitting at my desk
Making the most of a quiet day,
The only sweet way I know how
Writing the day away

Sometimes my soul wants to simply explode
creative energy built up in time
In essence searching for a safe abode
To pour out treasures in this heart of mine
Secrets learned in the lecture room of life
Stories in retrospect often to share
How growth spurts through the hardened ground of strife
Finding inspiration when life's not fair
Mindset determines how we view our world
Perception of glass half empty or half full
When pressures upon my full soul is hurled
On creative outlets i tend to pull
When faced with opportunity or choice
Artistic expression becomes my voice

A pink array of candy floss
across a powder blue sky
A breath of fresh air, smile across my face
I don't even wonder why

Dancing on the inside
the rhythm of the day
Freedom within the Spirit
the melody carries me away

The drum beat of life
the chorus of our hearts
the sweet fragrance of joy in the morning
hope starts. love lasts

Its not in my imagination
its life within my veins
a tangible energy
motivating wind, blowing away pains

Embracing the moment
Into faith, taking a dive
Swimming in the essence of Love
I'm happy to be alive

Bullet proof heart,
That’s  all she knew
She new how to hide
Experience taught her its true.

Explosions of hurt,
Ripped through her heart
Never again she decided
Never again to fall apart.

Because more than just an *****
Pumping blood through her veins
The only heart she had was torn
Only circulating her pains.

“Never again” she thought
Vulnerable’s not safe to be
“A bullet proof heart
Is all that makes sense to me”

Not truly living
Existing behind lock and chain.
With her bullet proof heart
She never loved again.

War often may wage
Within soul be quiet still
Peace, the victors cry.

You look so fine and pretty
Like you’ve got it all together
You sound as though your thoughts are wise
Like you understand the world and weather

And everything in between
There’s so many things that you know
You seem to recognize truth
So beautiful to watch your potential grow

But then you end up with him
The **** who’ll probably break your heart
Manipulates you to get what he wants
But then, you were in denial from the start

Or you end up with another guy
Who cheats and lies and steals
Craving his bad boy attention
You disregard how he makes you feel

You let yourself go
Selling yourself cheap
Give yourself to the feelings of lust
Despite that you’ll end up in a heap

You don’t value who you are
So you let him break you down
Your lessen yourself for the hope of love
Yet love is hardly what you found

Please don’t be a stupid girl
Don’t let him strip you raw
My girl you need to guard your heart
If you want to avoid a downpour

Beautiful girl, I wish you knew
All of us make stupid mistakes
But stupid girls don’t change there ways
So they keep having heart aches.

Beautiful girl that’s who you are
Don’t give up on yourself, not yet
Avoid stupid boys, who rob your destiny
Because that you will certainly regret

And you keep my heart flowing
Pumping blood through my veins
My mortality showing
Yet you’re breaking my chains
Deeper breaths I take
Knowing everything that’s at stake
No claim to my name
Nothing in this world to gain
Mostly an illusion
So to let go is my conclusion
Leaping. Letting go.
There are no bounds
Im no longer held down
My mind is sound
Fear no longer hounds.
Loosened grips of trepidation
Narrow escape, emergency excavation
Freedom soaring
Grace is roaring
Victory.
by faith I see.
Death has no hold over me

Im not a captive of your mind
No foreign boundary will hold me down
Think of me what you may
I will silently wear my crown

A crown of character
Born over time
Not an innocent baby
Broken & built by love divine

Grab a hold of your protruding thoughts
Don’t let them run away
In your mind, it’s your choice
The impression you conclude each day

Remove your see through box
It doesn’t fit who I am
It doesn’t make me uncomfortable
Only you. Try to understand.

I have been liberated
And I will live to what is true
Negative things conjured up in your mind
Means the only captive is you.