i remember what it was
to not only be
but to feel loved
by her
and him
and them.
i remember what it was
not to have any doubt
and the exact moment
when i was given it.

the current ache in my chest has been tweeting about wanting a wedding without the marriage and the potential of breaking off an engagement that hasn't happened yet and the apocalyptic sunset i almost married sent me a goodbye by way of google document in the middle of june, unintentionally near our last anniversary, the week before my first love zoom called to say she proposed to her boyfriend, on the beach i almost traveled across the country by train to get to when i was 14 and none of it means anything but it's still keeping me up well into the 2:22 and 5:55 mornings of early july

the same day as the last date listed
the same name on my legal documents
the same bed, same room, same ugly carpet
same fear, same dream, same empty hall closet
but no more window
i can't see the street from here

things keep moving behind my back oh and i'm so happy that they
keep going off and meeting people i've never met and keep going places i'll never get
keep leaving me here, circumstance

still writing
still making music
still trying my best
still waiting for the same person to turn around and pick me instead
still sitting
still running in the mornings above freezing, still trying to forget
still home in connecticut
still breathing !

(still re-reading that google doc)
still thinking about it
still wondering if i died who would get the message

it's not this timeline
i just want you to know i love you more than anything

do you hold yourself accountable to the things that you say?
do you wish for the words you give away to come back
    or to seep in, deep, take root, split open the heart they've grown in?
do you know what a favourite person is?
do you mean it or are you trying to keep me firmly planted?

the world started ending, really truly
and i still only wanted the one thing
to mean more than something useless
to be a better person than someone who wants to mean more than something useless
to hold your hand
to know what it'd be like to kiss you just west of the left cheek

a peach, a plum, a kneecap with teeth marks
a canceled concert in april, a canceled date in august
a new boyfriend, an unforgettable romance

today the stars told me
not to say anything
no, they said, not to say "i love you" unless i meant it
what else is there to say?

no one is over their respective it
not you, or me, or the current him

i wish it was just me, too
you don't even need to ask
i would have checked the attic for you
when will we have time to unpack all that?

sometimes i worry about the places i would go
if i had a car, if gas was cheaper
if time and circumstances finally differ
if you had a window i could toss rocks at gently,
whispering your name where others have tapped and screamed
why don't neighbors ever call the police when its necessary?
the fire burns in the backyard and the streetlight flickers in the front
and we sit or stand or scream in between the front door and the car
sometimes i worry about the places i can't get to

and the beats between your breaths on the telephone
        as you fall asleep
and the way you treat me
        the next morning as if i didn't sing the lullaby at your request
and the silence
        that stretches between us until you need comfort
and how i can't ask for anything
        because i hurt you, once
and how i can't talk about how you're the one that ended it

i've missed the opportunity and that's something i'll have to live in
the windows never open in my bedroom and the draft is something your not familiar with
but let me tell you about ghosts and how i haunt them
about how your elbow and your hands still wake me up in the junes you don't make it to connecticut
someday i'll write about the diner and the star bits
some day we'll reply like four days of missing each other is equivalent
to heartbreak or maybe that too
is a window shut tight cause the screen is loose
and who knows what'll get in
or out
if left unattended