i don't understand
      how you make me feel bad
                    when i didn't do anything
           but i feel guilty anyway
               because i made you feel
    slightly less happy
slightly less loved
   slightly less needed

        and i don't want that

it took me 7 cigarettes and two cups of the blackest coffee to get over the fact that
2 months ago you ****** my best friend,
but I assured you I was,
am, not mad.
If anything I was happy
that you could finally say it.

I am regressing back to old habits that I thought I broke
and my Dad told me to say my prayers,
but I am too scared to tell him I gave that up
Everything seems foreign to me and
I can't sleep without my door locked.

You took a drag of your cigarette
a drag so long i got rug burns
on my eyes
you could have sunken a ship
with the way you burnt
your lungs and I feel so bad
for you.

the embers were blazing
reflections in your eyes
tired in from all the worrying
my fingers are stained black
and there are needle ******
all over my body
ash and the stingy
linger from past words
floating in front of your face
like a ghost that you can't quite see
but he ****** my friend
and i ****** him
and he ****** me up

there is nothing in my bones
there is nothing left for you
i threw out all of the leftovers
it all went bad
the refrigerator is empty
besides for beer and dog food
so i shut the door and go to bed
but somehow i still feel like i ate too much
i hunch over the toilet
and throw it all up
the cards are all out on the table
and i was dealt the perfect hand
but i missed my opportunity to win

I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just ******* angry
a house built on hot coals
its bound to burn down
god i wish i was sad
(or dead)
this is too destructive
and we don't have the money
to rebuild it all

In the burning right hand of the bald city,
denizens frame calories and count instagram blessings
while beacons of hope refund inspiration in USADA *** cups.

Abyssinian maids wail over yesterday lovers
who wore Ginsberg’s skirt with less  pizzazz
and watched bedbugs **** blood off knee caps
wondering, what if Jesus Christ drove a Nissan?

As bullets of paragraphs fall Vietnamese pesticides on my head,
The dusts off my breath sing homilies
With letters of broken leather whiskey,
For even in the most dishonest jest,
clandestine toothbrushes are overrated
and every first false lie is the only truth.

rims of golden curls
hover above your head
while chesnut spaghetti strands
coat mine instead

underwater your eyes are crystalline
like a true blue green i've never seen
but mine fade from brown to black
never once emitting a gleam

your shirts smell like fabric softener and cigarettes
which i often smell outside
and everything we've ever done
crashes into my mind like a riptide

do you see what i see when i look at you?

i
should have walked away then,
i woke up
crying
scared
i'm
only sixteen
my
parents will **** me
everyone
will be so disappointed
i
didn't think anything of it
i
guess you didn't either
we
were in the midst of the moment of the sweetest of love
i
wasn't ready for this
you
weren't either
i spent the night with my friend
and
you
were mad at me that morning

you were wishing
that i had never
walked into that room after school for tutoring
you were wishing
that you had never gotten to know my name
you were wishing
that you had never kissed me
you were wishing
that you had never pushed me into this
you were wishing
you could take back my innocence

we
didn't get any sleep
you
stayed up late that night before
thinking
hoping
maybe
i decided
i didn't love
you
so much
one night
so maybe this baby
wouldn't be
yours
if this baby
was to even exist
you
told all
your
friends
about how
you
****** up
and for some reason
they respected
you
for hurting me
for leaving me
we're
both so young
we
both made this mistake
i
had no money
my
friend paid for
my
mistake
it came in a box
the plus sign didn't even appear
but you
warned me in advance
you
said
you were gonna leave
and you
did
but i
held on
because neither of
us
were even sure
and you
said
you
would **** yourself
before you
had to drop everything
going for
you
to pay for the support
of this child's life
your child
it would have been
yours

Thank you for your help, however hard it was
All your unkind words only serve to help me on my path.

"You make me sick," simply puts me on my way
This 'new' you was meant to free you, to stand up to the world.

But now you're trying out your armour on the one
Who's not your enemy!

You want to reclaim your power, you said,
"No more ******* weakling."

But at the heart of your tirade, you neglected to check one fact:
It's you yourself who gave away your own power.
Yes, it's you yourself who gave away YOUR own power!

So.
Thank you, I think.
Thank you, baby.
Thank you, I think.....

Well, you're going to hurt someone and it may just be yourself
You think that by gaining these pieces of yourself, it empowers.

You're simply becoming a stranger now
Perhaps it's what you wanted.... all along.

Given that Fate threw us together like that
Now you seek us out less and less.

Yet you said you liked me enough to keep me
And endure and be patient. Well, not so anymore!

I think I've expired whatever my purpose was
Now I feel quite empty on our vast terrain; too wide.

You tell me to feel your tears course down your cheeks
Well, would you still cradle my face now, or no more?

You must have wanted to do it long ago
You just couldn't hide it, couldn't stop it.

I sensed it in your restlessness
But fret not, dear. I understand and accept.

Oh, I accept that you have pain
I'll take it with my own and receive whatever is given.

I hope you find your happiness where you seek it
And yes, I'll touch your tears as they stream down your life.....

So.
Thank you, I think.
Thank you, baby.
Thank you, I think.....



S T, monday 10 June 2013