i'm being blamed for something i can't control

i can't stop bouncing my leg
i can't look you in the eyes when you speak to me
i can't stop my voice from shaking from shaking when you yell at me
i can't sleep at a normal time
i can't speak up when i'm being taken advantage of
i can't carry myself with the confidence you do
i can't do a lot of things, mom.

i can fake it all i want
i can say what you want to hear
i can push myself way harder than i need to
i can do too much and get you mad at me, again...

i just feel so restricted. albeit my own expectations or your strict hold on my collar; i just feel so restricted.

"when i was 5, 6, 7
up until i was 11
my mom said my other mom left to get some milk,
the other moms and dads blamed it on my other mom
because she was a mom instead of a dad
but that didn't make any sense bc she beat me like a dad.

the nudges and the kicks,
no wonder she looked so buff,
my mom, the one that's here,
did track! and she only beats me when i do something wrong,
or if she had a bad day at work,
or if i do my hair in a weird way,
or if i get a B on my tests!

she said she does it cause she loves me,
and i love her too - she must be going through a lot,
i wish my other mom loved her as much as i did though,
i never see my mom, my other mom said she wanted to break up -
that made my mom really mad -
and she took me away from her.

thinking back on it, maybe my mom didn't like me all that much."

the way she stomps on the floor
complaining for minutes at a time
then falling onto the couch in a huff
"what happened in the show?"
and i explain, already getting up to get her some milk
(she likes milk after a tantrum)
i'm back and she's watching the show, newfound focus
i smile, knowing that sometimes she can be calm

"did you **** them?"
- **** is a strong word dr. nice legs, i prefer the term sent back
"sent back?"
- yes, sent back - they were at one place so i sent them back
"so you... sent them back? back where?"
- oh it's a place that doesn't exist, not to me, not to anyone
"heaven?"
- oh no, gosh no, why are making up words dr. pen in mouth?
"hell?"
- if you mean h-e-double hockey sticks then you're sadly mistaken
"underworld, olympus? give me a clue or something."
- ah ah i said it doesn't exist, how do i give you a clue for something that doesn't exist dr. frowny face?
"describe your feelings towards it."
- home

you have a 2.5 gpa
you don't have girlfriend
you just got back from suspension
you don't get spending money to get food after school
you shoot like you're blind
you write poetry
you have to beg your teachers for extra credit
you have hand-me-down clothes

i have everything you don't
so why do you look so happy?

i remember that one story
of the kid, finch
theodore
theodore finch & violet
he stood at the top of a bell tower, i think
and proclaimed his suicide plans
the people below either took it as a joke
or something else
i can't remember which
i liked that boy, so did violet
so did violet
so did violet
so did violet

yes i understand
how in the world can your straight a & b student
your oldest child
your only girl
want to play video games rather than read?
because in video games i can verbally curse out my enemies
and boy oh boy will they respond

while i watch my girlfriend sleep
through the phone i hear her parents argue
she clutches her sweater -
the one i gave her weeks ago -
closer, i whisper
"can't they argue in the driveway like real parents
for [REDACTED] sake"
you smile, and drift back to sleep

you can't light a fire while it's raining
it'll instantly go out once you make a spark
so why, oh why
do you keep trying to light me?

i understand i'm easy but i'm no longer taking it anymore
taking YOU anymore . . .

i'm so tired
i don't have the strength to push you away right now
do what you want and leave right after
don't come back okay?

i'm tired, so [REDACTED] tired
do what you want and leave
don't come back

i'm tired, so very tired
do what you want

i'm tired

" 'i'll treat myself this one time'
'i deserve this'
'well i've been working so hard lately'
shut up. no you haven't.
say that once you actually do something
washing your sheets is a basic thing normal human beings do
remembering to brush your teeth and shower
eating three meals a day
none of that has to do with your mental health.
you're just lazy and using your 'problems' as a buffer
society will look at you and feel sorry but i'll know
i'll always know..."

ya know...
i can go to work every day
and still feel like my life has no meaning
i can feel the void stroke my cheek
it drawls over my neck, whispering "shh, shh
it'll be over soon, just follow my lead"
i almost want to, but i remember
the feeling of losing is much worse than giving in to a bull
a bull with very nice legs and stockings
they almost remind me of a woman i knew long ago

a woman who took my temperature in 6th grade
and told me i was going to to be great one day

taptaptaptaptap goes your pen
"i'm about to punch you"
you continue, and i do
we're sent to the office, you click your pen while we walk
you smack your mouth when the pen is taken away
you drum your fingers against your chest once you're told to stop
i'm sent home for a week, you got to the nurse

i come back a week later
and you're sitting in the same seat, taptaptaptaptap
i almost wanna punch you, i do wanna punch you
and i don't

i call that character development

the way i write is i write what is see
a title is useless if it adds nothing to the story
therefore, titles are useless
titles are useless until they're not

the blotchy curve of the G you write at the top of your paper
that G, it makes me sick
i want to throw up just looking at it, it's too thick that curve
the curve is too thick on your G

once the title, even the letter is imperfect
the entire page in useless, t serves no purpose
no purpose other than to make me sick
to make me gag, and fold the paper into long rectangles
that way, at least it'll die perfect
dying is perfect in a sense

the old scars from months ago
(i should be congratulated, it's been months
woo for me, everyone should celebrate)
ache, they ache as if they want to tell me something

"don't you miss us? once you're in the shower
you'll definitely miss us, you like the way we sting"

i do miss you, but you ache now
the ache is enough for now
the ache is enough

something tells me, somethings up
when the air becomes thin
and i'm packing my things to see the assistant principle downstairs

"we found something on your j:drive"
"you're not in trouble, but we will enact punishment"

i'm being treated like a criminal for a flimsy pop-up ad
stupid flimsy pop-up ad