When I think of our love to date
All that we've done together
these are the moments that stand out

first
New Year's Eve
We woke up early and went to a diner
then spent the afternoon going for a drive
sitting in your car
no music playing, little conversation
enjoying the snow covered scenery
you stopped to buy mice for your snake
and I stopped to chat with the parrots

Second
A January snow day
We spent all morning and afternoon in bed
watching the snow from your window
you took me furniture shopping
we wandered through the store
debating shape and color
learning about leathers
afterwards you took me to the mall
showed me a small shop that sold art
we finished off the day by cooking together
and ettouffee I shall never forget

Third
lying in my bed in February
listening to folk music and your heart beating
a nervous rush pulsing through my veins
I told you I wanted to tell you something
that I was scared
and that I loved you

Fourth
driving home from a beach vacation
your dog snuggled on my lap
fields of corn dancing as we drove by
daydreaming of our future together
my heart hoping that you wrote me into your plans

May I write a million moments on notebook paper
May our love last forever
May we grow old together
They are both my questions and my hopes

A wink,
In a church, from a man serving me the blood of Christ,
My stomach turns, remembering the discomfort.
A wink,
On the street, from a man of a different generation,
It was the first time I felt like a woman.
A wink,
On a picnic blanket, from a man I would soon fall deeply for,
I wince; I’m still piecing the shards of my heart into a recognizable mass.
A wink,
In a hospital room, from a man who held me as a babe,
This memory is more precious than any jewel the earth could offer.
A wink,
At any time in any place can mean nothing and everything
Depending on how it’s remembered.

What am I to do when you are hundreds of miles away
Hiking the Appalachia
Living off the land and proving your manhood

The dog cannot hold me and warm me at night
The ******* will seize to amuse me after a week
The empty seat at the table will irk me
I could go on but I think you get the point
I need you

If you really must fulfill this quest
Just know
That I will watch the door awaiting your return
That I will hug your pillow every night
that I will wear your clothes to feel closer to you
Ah, I could go on but I think you get the point
I need you

Write
Write because you have to
Write because the words will keep you up at night
If you don’t let them out of your brain
Write because the words will disassemble
If you let them pass through your lips and not your pen
Write because the journals will soak up your blood and tears
If you don’t satisfy their pages with ink
Write because you have to
If for no other reason
write

The evening led us into a beer store
I searched the crafts
Appreciating the small brews
Their creativity and quality
I spent time obsessing over label designs
engrossed myself in flavor descriptions
I searched for a beer to match the mood of the day
Searched for something dark and sultry
Searched for something sweet with hints of caramel
Searched for something that would titillate my tongue  
Searched for something I would enjoy tasting on your lips
We left the store holding six packs in one hand, the other hands intertwined

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge
Is imagining myself running, jumping and soaring
Off of the rocky, gray mountainside cliff
Racing towards the pit below
to be crushed by the
unforgiving
earth.

I don’t want to ask you,
But I would love for you to tell me.
You won’t breathe a word of it,
Unless I ask and you know I can’t.
So a great barrier of desire opens between us.
It ebbs and flows like a vast ocean,
Bubbling to the surface one moment,
And retreating to the deep the next
Tell me you still love me..
Ask me if I love you.

I dreamt of you last night
I hated to wake up
Squeezed my eyes closed
Tried to return to my imaginations
Failing I succumbed to the morning
A tightness forming in my chest
An intense longing for you
Turned to a heat
Desire
I fantisized about you this morning

That glow around my head is my halo
and those bruises on my knees are from praying
that look in my eyes is the devil
and those dark circles are from sinning
That taste of heaven is from my kiss
so is the fiery heartburn

What you don't understand,
is that I have forgiven you,
And I have not forgotten you.
Please understand that,
I don't hate you,
Or wish you ill,
Nor do I want to erase you from my past.
It's just that I don't think of you ever.
I never revisit the old memories.
I never wonder what you are doing,
And when someone says your name,
I hear it and move on to the next word.
This is my Eternal Sunshine.

God bless the writers;
The novelists, essayist, play-writes and poets,
The writers who put their pen to paper,
To share their imaginations, thoughts, ideas,
Who have the courage to share this with the world,
To open themselves to the judgement of readers,
These people who know not the lives they save,
the smiles they bring,
the hearts they change,
whose minds they shape,
Bless them

His hands are rough
His hands are worn
And I ache to feel them brush against my skin
I want to know every scar’s story

His smile is genuine
His laugh is my favorite music
And I’d do anything to make him happy
I want to be the reason for his smile

His frame is thin
His skin is smooth
And my hands long to touch every part
I want to memorize every inch of him

His love is pure
His love is honest
And he makes me want to be a better person
I want the simple love he offers

Somewhere out there, beyond this city
There are endless blue skies, unaltered by smog
And after the sunset, thousands of stars glitter in the sky
Knowing this helps me fall to sleep at night

Tell me all the ways that you are different now:
How your job has changed
How you own a house now
How you meditate and spend time in nature to restore.
Tell me the dark stuff too:
How you can't keep a relationship,
How you live on frozen dinners,
How you drink to drown your sorrows.
Just tell me all the reasons that you are different;
Different than when I knew you.
Maybe it will help me let go of the you,
That I am still so desperately in love with.
I'll see that you are not the man I carry in my memories
That I don't even know the person you are now.

So,
Tell me,
How have you changed?


But there is still the slim chance,
That no matter the changes you've made,
My soul will still cry out for you,
In the silences of the night,
ever wanting

I did not drown in the sea as I had feared
I simply became one with the waves
I will not deny the initial pain
A result of my resistance to change
Months were spent gasping for air
The air my lungs no longer needed
It was you who swam beneath
You who taught me to surrender
I finally stopped fighting
And gulped the salty water
Now we swim side by side
Our heartbeats matching the rhythm of the tide

Our fingers interlace
Our lips interlock
Our legs interweave
Our bodies interact

Our ideas interchange
Our interests interlap
Our dreams intersect
Our minds internal

Our desires interlayer
Our emotions interpretive
Our silences interpersonal
Our souls interconnect

Relationships are a give and take
its about letting your loved one know they're appreciated
that's why I gave you head while you worked on my car
the dirt and rocks embedding themselves in my knees
you struggling to concentrate, eventually giving up
running your grease covered hands through my hair
I always feel in these moments
the immense amount of love and care between us

I want our lives to run in parallel
Both of us shooting off in the same direction
Extending ourselves towards happiness and bliss
We'll be joined by millions headed in the same way
Yes I want our lives to both be blessed
I just don't want our paths to ever intersect

Upon the grass I sit, toes digging in the earth
Breathing in the sweetness of spring
Breathing in the purity of nature
Breathing until my lungs feel full
Breathing until my body feels revived
I become a tree rooted, anchored by each breathe
Mother Earth enters my system and I gain knowledge of all things

They said its all downhill from here
But I feel myself rising
Raising out of my own pretensions
Ascending towards meaninglessness
And reaching peaks of insanity

I found the kitten lying lifeless in the grass
It’s body in a sickly contortion
I picked it up to find there was life in it still
An eye peeked out through crusted mucus
There was no fight as I cleaned its face with a warm cloth
Wearily it slumped on the counter as I warmed milk
Trying to be its savior I brought  milk to its lips
Neck unable to be supportive allowed its head to slump to the side
I tried to open its slender lips to force life back in
It could not be done, born with a jaw fused together
Fate had marked this animal for death
I wanted to cry for the deformed creature
My heart welled with anguish
My brain stopped the tears from wetting my cheek
This happens in nature, animals die
I return to the spot I found the poor soul
I may not be able to save it or bemoan its fate
But I will keep vigil so it does not die alone

This will be a poem
This will be a poem because I say it is
Because I say it is
This will be a poem

all I can think of
is lying in your arms
listening to velvet underground
in a smoke filled room
trying to focus my breath

The midnight stars connect to form the angles of your face
And I see it so vividly and with such certainty that I cannot look away
I've begun to pray for clouded nights
nights when the sky is black and no light can break through
but the shine of your constellation always breaks through
the sparkle of which torments me

Hair perfectly teased into a beehive
thin black line making my eyes catlike
red lips
a sheath dress that clings to my curves for dear life,
I walk down the stairs,
you gasp at how beautiful I look
cross the room
grab my waist
lean in for a kiss,
I turn away and walk out the door

That's how I wish things would have ended between us,
Instead of me loosing my breath at the site of you
trying to find ways to make you adore me
only to come  up short

He was an English teacher, avid writer,
and yet he couldn't shape the words and make them sound just right.
She was the kind of girl who would talk to a shoe,
just to fill the silent moments,
and yet she was biting her lips

Tonight the rhythm in their breathing formed the words;
their heart beats the sentences.

The way her head rested against his chest held more meaning than words could ever express.
The way his arm held her close to him,
how he kissed the top of her head and took in the scent of her hair,
created volumes.

There is no word,
No paragraph,
no language that can give enough beauty,
to the things whispered between their skin when it touched

I'd like to stop making excuses for my bad behavior
to stop looking for the meaning behind my actions
to accept that i'm not a good person at heart
to stop caring what you'll think of me

I'd like to live honestly
to practice what I preach
to shed the beguiling masks I wear in public
to walk in my truth everyday

I'd like to let go of my past
to stop using it to justify my weaknesses
to realize that, no matter how many pens I use, I can't rewrite it
to free myself of him

It’s hard to describe the way I feel,
When you walk into the room.
You make me want to get in the kitchen and cook,
So I can see you pat your stomach in satisfaction.
You make me want to bring you a cold beer while you lay on the couch,
So I hear a sigh of relaxation escape your lips.
You make me want to act foolishly,
So I can see you smile and hear you laugh.
You make me want to kiss you deeply,
So I can taste you and feel you pressed against me.
You make me want to drop to my knees,
So I can feel your fingers curled in my hair.
You make me want to be the soft pillow you rest against when tired.
You make me want to be the warm wet ***** you *** in every night.
You make me want to be the coffee in your cup every morning.
In short, when you walk into a room,
I get this intense, unshakeable desire,
To be the thing that makes you happy for the rest of your life.

There is something about winter that seems unending:
The days spent lying under layers of quilts,
Burning my tongue on the tea I made hours ago,
Wasting hours on puzzles just to distract from the fact that i'm alone.
God, if only spring would come.
He would come back,
Because it's the snow that's been keeping him away
And the phone lines must be frozen,
I just know he would call if he could.
The more blame I put on winter,
The farther spring seems.

On this lonely mountain, there is no friendship to be found,
No one to commiserate with during the cold nights
On this solitary journey I see no familiar shapes
not even in the jagged rock faces I cling to
Oh how lonesome this climb is,
Oh how I long to find something human
But love can not be found among the earthen mass
not even within myself