all I can think of
is lying in your arms
listening to velvet underground
in a smoke filled room
trying to focus my breath

What am I to do when you are hundreds of miles away
Hiking the Appalachia
Living off the land and proving your manhood

The dog cannot hold me and warm me at night
The ******* will seize to amuse me after a week
The empty seat at the table will irk me
I could go on but I think you get the point
I need you

If you really must fulfill this quest
Just know
That I will watch the door awaiting your return
That I will hug your pillow every night
that I will wear your clothes to feel closer to you
Ah, I could go on but I think you get the point
I need you

I'd like to stop making excuses for my bad behavior
to stop looking for the meaning behind my actions
to accept that i'm not a good person at heart
to stop caring what you'll think of me

I'd like to live honestly
to practice what I preach
to shed the beguiling masks I wear in public
to walk in my truth everyday

I'd like to let go of my past
to stop using it to justify my weaknesses
to realize that, no matter how many pens I use, I can't rewrite it
to free myself of him

I dreamt of you last night
I hated to wake up
Squeezed my eyes closed
Tried to return to my imaginations
Failing I succumbed to the morning
A tightness forming in my chest
An intense longing for you
Turned to a heat
Desire
I fantisized about you this morning

On this lonely mountain, there is no friendship to be found,
No one to commiserate with during the cold nights
On this solitary journey I see no familiar shapes
not even in the jagged rock faces I cling to
Oh how lonesome this climb is,
Oh how I long to find something human
But love can not be found among the earthen mass
not even within myself

A wink,
In a church, from a man serving me the blood of Christ,
My stomach turns, remembering the discomfort.
A wink,
On the street, from a man of a different generation,
It was the first time I felt like a woman.
A wink,
On a picnic blanket, from a man I would soon fall deeply for,
I wince; I’m still piecing the shards of my heart into a recognizable mass.
A wink,
In a hospital room, from a man who held me as a babe,
This memory is more precious than any jewel the earth could offer.
A wink,
At any time in any place can mean nothing and everything
Depending on how it’s remembered.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge
Is imagining myself running, jumping and soaring
Off of the rocky, gray mountainside cliff
Racing towards the pit below
to be crushed by the
unforgiving
earth.