I wish I hated you from the start
I wish I couldn't feel love at all
I wish it didn't overwhelm me
But God, it's so overwhelming
Tear out my feeling,
Rid me of empathy
Take every memory
Go on and destroy me
The base of my being
The intensity of everything
It's so overwhelming
I'm so overwhelming
So take it apart
Tear it to pieces
Throw it away
Distribute the ashes
Of every love
That I've ever lost
'Cause I'm feeling so lost
I don't wanna be lost
I want to be free of this, of me
I'm so overwhelming
So go on and destroy me

I'm so tired
I don't have pretty words for this
No poetic way to say
I wish you'd tell me to *******
If that's what you're feeling
Tell me if you don't care
If I am a pest to you
Because I can't stand not understanding
But I will continue to give my whole heart to you
Until you refuse it
I don't know how to love you any other way

I will likely get lost in the idea that
Maybe, you could love me
And we want similar things for our futures
And that's so hard to find
I will likely get lost in the thought
Of you and I living out of campers and driving from concert to concert
And we both carry ear plugs just in case the other forgets
I get so star-eyed so easily,
So dizzy,
Dizzy on the thought that maybe I don't have to be lonely,
So dizzy that I forget for a moment the things you do that leave me clawing at my skin and pulling out my hair

Maybe we will go to school and get an apartment and grow together
Maybe I will learn your boundaries and your pick me ups and your favorite foods
Maybe you will care enough to do the same

But I will remind myself
I do not love you​
I do not love you
I do not love you

I am aware, logically,
That when Winter comes and all things die,
The numb cold of snow will eventually clear
And the flowers will bloom
And my plum tree will bud and provide fruit.
Spring will warm all of creation once more,
Rain will wake my skin.
But today all is frozen,
Iced over and silent with​ no growth to be found,
And logic aside,
This feels
Eternal.
I cannot feel the sun that does not warm my skin.
I cannot taste the rain that does not touch my lips
And the flowers that have not yet regrown
Show no signs of life, here.

lie to me
make my soul glow
i am freezing cold with nowhere to go but into your arms
so if you would
just
hold me

today will begin and end and not be missed
which is to say, i've been wasting time again
when i swore to hold on to each second
when i took the sun in my hands and slipped it into my pocket
the problem with carousels is that they move in a circle
twinkly circus music and fun aside
we end where we began
rising and falling
but never really progressing
i will tell you recovery isn't linear
but keep quiet the question
of possibility
listening to the twinkly circus music
rising and falling
coming back around to the beginning

Love me in the summer when it's easy and we can chase the nights down wherever they may lead
When we can waste our afternoons lazy and warm in park fields on picnic blankets
Love me with the reflection of fireworks in your eyes, caffeine and alcohol in your veins,
Tell me you wish the plants would grow right over us,
Swallow us up into the ground so we could be beautiful too
I'll give you everything,
Anything,
Be up for any adventure
I'll love you like I can't think straight
Like the sun's in my eyes and I'm driving blind but the wind feels too good to stop
Even though it's dangerous
Even though we could crash
Just promise me you'll love me even when January comes
And we're standing under gray skies
I'll bundle up in you
Hold you close
We'll still see our breath
But we'll be warm like summer