the way you hold that sandwich,
the way you look at me,
a joy in your eyes,
the one that claws at me.

i don't want to love you,
there's no reason to, no logic,
but here i am,
wondering why you won't set me free.

to the stars
the moon pleaded,
stay

to the stars
the moon soothed,
shine

to the stars
the moon whispered,
light the way.

for the stars
the moon wept,
dark ichor

whispers float down
from forbidden meadows
cajoling
enticing
seducing
i wonder if you heard the same whispers
before you went to join them

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said.
My life in and of itself is a redundancy.
It has been lived before, ended before.
All my achievements, a regular occurrence.
All my mistakes, a failure to learn from those who came before me.
Yet, I still live.
Hoping to be special, unique.
But even those before me have hoped.

the wind that was once so soft,
a refreshing autumn breeze,
now rears it's angry head,
attacks me with a freeze.

you make my face go numb,
my hands crack and bleed,
why friend have you turned against me?
so readily.

why does everyone have so many questions.
when i already told them i don't have the answers.
why does everyone still ask.
when i told them to stop.
can you just
take what i give you
and not worry about the rest.
don't worry about what's unseen.
no one can control what's unseen.
so just let it go.
let me go.

did you know did you know
that everything big seems so small
so i wonder
did it really matter at all
did you know did you know
you once were tall but now you're small
so i wonder
did i really know you at all

i wonder  
where the buzzing comes from.
my fan
my mac
my head
or that ****** fly
that just won’t die.

i wonder
when it will go away
the ache
the hurt
the pain
and that ****** fly
that’s somehow still alive.

i wonder
what tomorrow will bring
death
despair
hope.
maybe i’ll watch the fly and learn how to survive

constant, inconsistent.
eternity, momentary.
time is never steady.
it ebbs and it flows

this moment will never be the same.
this time will never mean the same.
as time goes on, the meaning changes
forever and completely.

yet, don’t try to stop the change.
it’s beautiful in it’s own way.
it’s life way of telling us that time has passed.
the moment is over but the memory remains.

why
why do you confuse me so
take me for a ride
but won’t let me grow
why
why do you hurt me so
careful with your words
but not where they go
why
why do you treat me so
like a child
but you still expect me to know
why
why is it so
i’m your responsibility
but you refuse to let me grow
why
why can’t you let me go
you refuse to know me
so please let me go

oblivion.
what a beautiful word.
what a beautiful thought.
no life after life.
just emptiness.
no more thoughts,
no more conflict,
no more anxiety.
if there is a heaven,
i want no part of it.
no complications,
no stipulations.
no life after death.
just oblivion.
oblivion.

i wonder
what it’s like.
warmth.
is it in sunshine.
or babies giggles.
or is it that feeling
the feeling when you’re held
held by someone who cares
they may not understand
it’s better if they don’t
but they’re there
and they care.
i wonder
what that’s like.
warmth.

wake. eat. sleep.
wake. eat. sleep.
is this living?
is life in a cage still life?
is this happiness?
is settling still happiness?
if this is life, if this is happiness,
i don't want it.
i would rather without.
i would rather without this emptiness.
i would rather without.