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Thibaut V Feb 2014
Oh narrative where have you gone? For I have looked long and wide for the stories of crumpled pages, crushed and ripped from the notebook.
Tossed utensils in bitter dissatisfaction, the romance and dining room etiquette. The mysteries of discovery and love and journeys and paths. Where has the classical romance fled in desperation? The aimless prose of life without purpose- the vagrant dolce vita/et decorum est. stories of huffing men of androgynous battles of bamboo shoots that bloom.

For it is science fiction that grabbed the attention of the masses- the road and where it led. And then also one without purpose. This is how love would be found- floating distantly in space with a raging discontent and somber acceptance of the next assignment due whilst Chopin plays instead of the blue Danube and there, a second sun would be found adjacent to two walls not a corner but more so a crease curiously waiting and the light would shine up and divide into two separate circles and beneath the boundaries of each, a shadow. And the sun would know darkness.
Oh narrative where have you run to? Or perhaps we have run from you.
Thibaut V Jun 2014
Arranged temptations
and the waves of eyes looked up to the skies

wincing in the sunshine
and constricting in the moonshine

lacking direction the succinct steps
aptly named the sparks and saps that retained
the nature to maintain the martian
river and the mountain surrounded by.
both near and far the errors of silhouettes and how they remarked on such high expectations.

quickly shut, opened and parked the car.

sliding closed the arrows and bows suitcases and shows and bouncing pillows. To arrive so fast and slowly

depart.
Thibaut V Aug 2014
I am trying to preserve the perverse
I want to save
and tell you its ok
drink my blood
and hug a nurse

sell you faith
a cellophane
to preserve.
or just cover the poor.
then cover up the perverse
in the corner with the dunce cap.
and cello-tape
drawing things together
Make everything ok.
(in a canadian accent)

open another door and receive a cookie
but I want to be the man who cooks it
as this is my fine establishment

I will be the coarse thing
that turns everything else smooth
let things run their course
and come to a dust that we can compromise on

but who will pay these wages?
do I want to be the guy that stands at the entrance letting everybody in?
Hell maybe- if Id already been.
This poem is about religion. I express my desire at the beginning to preserve the perverse - otherwise analogous in this context to heretics. Particularly in reference to heretical desire to be god. If I was god what would be my obligations- I list them in the poem to help people - Have people drink my blood as one would while drinking the blood of Christ. However I do say **** my blood because it resembles a vampire - something viewed as evil which, if man were god, would be realized as the truth- that the essence of a god is not in fact good at all but by nature malicious to control everything (God is indeed a heresy). There are various other things that I would have to do for people to maintain a role of god. I express the duality of the Hospital historically as a religious center. A place where modernly - after I gave blood as god I would receive a cookie to keep my blood sugar high, however this cookie would be made by me.

I express that I would be the coarse thing (sandpaper) that makes things run smoothly- much as a carpenter (as Jesus was a carpenter). Metaphorically speaking this goes hand in hand with laws of society that God is the lubricant providing the moral code by which we function.

And yet I provide the modern pragmatic arguement against god. That it should cost a lot of money to run an organization like the church and yet who will pay everyone- money does not come from god. As a result I might be left with no choice but to do the small things like be a nurse or be the guy that works at a ticket counter to accommodate the economical flaw of the church. But would I want to be the guy at the gates of heaven letting people in (if heaven was like a movie). Well maybe- if I had already been to heaven- the only way to do would be to have been god or the devil already.
Thibaut V Jun 2014
whenever I talk about art my mind gets so flattened
I wondered if I did wrong tormenting the album horn of plenty by Grizzly bear- I was listening to the song "don't ask" and I saw myself singing a cover of it- it was so **** good to hear for the first time. I wondered what I should do sitting opposite a cute girl I just had this exhausting conversation with. I wondered if I got up and left if she would want me more or something- I was wondering if something happened between us and one day she said she loved me what her first impression would be- why she fell in love with me- maybe the fact I displayed a passion. She said she was born in august- I knew she was a Leo- as am I - though I didn't take the arbitrary source of attraction too seriously anymore- given my last relationship with an aries was hell. Though I did learn a lot; This seemingly was my mind in the wake of all the strange patterns I once had- before and when I met her- I was trying to change these. I saw she had tinder on her phone- and I knew today after a talk with some ******* OkCupid - this is not how you meet women. So I wondered if I should delete it before I get to know her better or worse- get matched with her on there. I thought maybe she had a boyfriend - she was doing a masters - maybe she thinks she was too old for me - I don't know. excuses excuses. I sneak a look at her- she has a nice nose.. I don't know why- but I always check a girls nose out- its one of the things I find I fall in love with easiest. I thought about the song- how I always wanted to write music like this or like the fleet foxes. One of the few bands that both me and alice liked- she said at the end of it- something about how we don't like the same music or our sense of humor was off - and that we should just be friends because of that. I realize she always had a really strong front- Evidently that wasn't what she wanted- just some friendship- but I knew that. I want to say she was weak for not telling me the truth at the end. That the music thing was just ******* and there were other reasons we had for not being together. But I guess she really wanted to separate - given the fact she made it the trivial and banal and subjective of reasons for not working together. The saddest part about it all was that I still feel we had something though I know that is probably *******.

Last night I gave her friend Xiaoxuan some relationship advice- since I realized a lot of things lately and I guess she kinda valued my opinion or something- idk tbh I think she probably just really wanted to talk about her hopeless romance as a way of rationalizing her hopeless love interest that she didn't even have- I would know since I literally just did that with Alice. Though I still think we had something- though I guess through her I am learning a greater sense of self love. I told her she should get out of that situation with some guy who had a girlfriend and led her on calling her his second best.

Today I had plans to meet a girl I almost went out with who chose another guy over me. We stopped contact for a while- and then she messaged me we started talking again trying to be friends. she was also an aries.. odd. We were going to go to yo sushi to take advantage of the blue mondays deal and she did something strange and yet unusually familiar. She messaged me at 6 today to say she couldn't make it today. then again at 8 to say never mind. I asked her ***? and she said she didn't sleep - we spoke for a bit and I said "so yes then?" and I seem to remember her saying something like yes. so we continued to chat and then she cancels again saying she feels like ****. And then it hit me gently- I was in the same position as Xiaoxuan. and a few pieces fell into place- for one I remember how only a day before we were talking and she said are we still meet ing for lunch- I didn't reply - I told I was annoyed and didn't feel like chatting- e.g. *******. and Then she sent me this message- something ilk if you don't tell me in 10 hours I am making other plans- I said of course I want to go - I asked you to begin with after all. And just as calmly as I realized her playing me - messaging me at 2 and calling me sug sug and all that ****- I calmly told her that what she was doing was really rude- canceling 2 hours before meeting- as I made a distinct effort to make myself available to meet- and she was disrespecting me by canceling like that - especially bc i had some **** bad hay fever this morning anyway- I realized I made myself too available for people that are unavailable- but they are only unavailable usually because I am so available. As soon as I told this bothered me she behaved really callous to me - so I know exactly what she was up to. I felt good for telling her this ****** me off- but to be honest I got a bunch of pizza last night with Xiaoxuan. She didn't have any - but rather picked off the remains- the first night I had oregano since I last saw alice and we had that horribly awkward "date" with Xiaoxuan. I gave a few slices to a homeless man who said he hadn't eaten in 2 days. I felt bad for him and gave him 3 slices. He was nice guy and I could tell he was just hungry. It felt good helping someone else out for once- if anything I couldn't imaging me saying no.

I remembered some other special advice I gave to Xiaoxuan - that she should contact the girlfriend of that guy who was playing her. Because clearly he wasn't happy just with her. It was evident that it was the same with most people I knew in relationships- except for Alice.

She had 2 boyfriends since she was 13 and seemingly had a perfect sort of upbringing. I hurt me to think that she might of felt bad at any single moment and could tell me or anyone else about it. She had to be grotesquely strong inside to keep all those feelings in - since no one has a perfect childhood. Or maybe she was the one person who did.

I felt it was a shame that high self esteem would have to be passed on so callously through example. I realized she felt good about herself most of the time. And didn't have constant regrets and bad feelings about herself as I- and most people have. And thats why she couldn't stand for me I suppose. Since I was all too aware of the sensitive nature of peoples nature.

I find it would be a paradox to be so independent and feel so good on my own - and that somehow that would make me a better lover- or more liable to get into a relationship. Rationalizing emotions- seemed ludicrous and yet made so much sense. Given the situation I got myself into with Alice I can't blame her for everything- that would keep me from learning- was one of the few lessons I learned.  

Something about this girl reminded me or Elena- someone who I think was in love with me at a certain point. And I treated her like every girl I "fell in love" with treated me.

May was the girls name. She just got up and left. She added me on Facebook and we said maybe one day we will meet to play some music or something - she sang. We just had a last minute conversation- about why my work was late- how I was kinda depressed - but I was feeling better now- more or less. She recommended  I get a girlfriend- which confused me. Since that was quite explicit- but yet suggestive but I won't think about it- since my mind is three feet below my thoughts and three feet above my heart -and it's probably ******* anyway.
Thibaut V Jun 2014
I was there with my friends
or a character from a movie that resembled me
on some long street
and we were scared the police would show up
we ran away into the forest
not that we were doing anything wrong
just out to late
though we did have a few drinks

I find its important
to not become convoluted or confused
with what rhymes and makes sense
and whatever the story is
though by nature it is always different.

I could have swore this was some dream I had
or maybe it actually happened
or was it a tale my friends told me-
something that happened to them?

**** it, its strange and painful; remembering
Thibaut V Jan 2014
Some of us come as studded earrings carved with the occasional crack. As a hairline receding. Shaved to make old age come with ease. As the small hands well kept of young adults to be respected. But most, instead of the stone something more rounded glass perhaps but more precious and delicate. With an eye that has yet to become what it has seen. Washed up. But washed none the less. Picking up scent as a wet towel. But this one was the youth. Just aloof a fool to follow as perhaps the sand upon we stand.
Thibaut V Oct 2016
Right now
sitting in a Library
and a phone was ringing about 5 minutes ago

no wait,

Right now
i can hear me typing

while I type

I am not going back and editing the words I write
so no repeating
thud thud thud
of the delete button.

I said the phone rang before
for it was its almost comical or theatrical
but let me distinguish, NOT its dramatic effect
in which
I placed the carelessness of a vague email I had just received.

Let me correct, Facebook message
that I received.

A friend, who I had fallen out with
suggesting we reconnect as holding a grudge was

-and again that same ring - this time from the help desk in front of me
rather than the security desk behind me rang.-

was unnecessary.

With all the ringing phones- timid conversation- and typing- with my academic books right next to me- among going through emails- with plans to go home later tonight and make dinner- feeling like everything is flowing so calmly in this library- I would not need to take him up on his offer.

And this seemed to make sense
whether it made me a *******
and my lingering desire to stay
lonely makes more sense to me
than trying to keep really unfrie-
ndly 'friends' around- or desper-
ately trying to cling to whatever
friends I can.

Perhaps I am ******* either
way, depending on how you look
at it.
But right now I not feeling any more pain
than in my left index finger nail
where I have cut it too short.
Thibaut V Apr 2014
You prefer it, Permanent
in felt tip ink
as I place the sharpener
I brought,
down with a clink

In this window frame
everything looks the same
hair cuts, boots, phones
feign before my eyes
as I faint

So I sit while I watch
the rest fade
and the reflection comes back in

I wish to repeat
as Always
to attain
the same Feelings
Thibaut V Dec 2014
Sometimes,
I want to be beaten
in a sleeping
bag
feel the bruises full of pulp bloat
then drag

I can see this dark figure
sometimes
full of blues
and its pretty bad

Found it in between my eyes one night gloating
but not glad
I find too often Im cross
when I've gone too far and said it all

I wanted to say that there was some sort of filter
but no sooner would I wilt
than share every secret
though more so spill

Did you know that coffee grounds are good for plants and land fills?

Sometimes
I want to believe in God
Some religion
Instead of relying on this figment of my imagination
where I am always responsible:
both the Window and the Sill.
Thibaut V Jul 2014
I want shut eye
And to shut off
Making it worth the wait
Laying in the double duvet
There will be nothing done today
- starting from the early AM
Of course when
In apathetic stance
Which sounds so concerned
I asked and answered,
So repulsed and sure
And then again in collaboration
So what?

If there is itch tangle or sore
Nothing lasting or making sense because of it, and then wishing off to shut
Asking and then answering again
So what.

Given your hands in the benevolent shadows gloom
I grasped the deep, and true colors bloom
In fire-lit hindsight
The ways that bodies exhausted temporal efforts
Through and over
Christmas warmth and holidays alike
Wishing for repetitive cuts
Lines thick and robust
Yet to bend above the high bar
Living in exorbitant envy and simultaneous lust
I wished for words to keep a man up
As Edgar Allen Poe to return
And Onto nightmares haunt
And in profuse soliloquy I discussed
Addressed and caressed the audience and applauded with further praise and *** laude the asked answer of so what.

Carefully to plot
With a protractor and fingers
Then put - in holes all around problems and solutions-
No hole without end instead whole in my hands cusped
I repeat my concern and eternal quest of lines so crossed -
In-absolute and aloof and lost
Returned the question of so what?
27/4/2014
Thibaut V Dec 2013
Sometimes I wonder how clouds can move so slow

and we know they are moving

but still

sometimes they seem

so

still
Thibaut V Nov 2014
Hey,
How are you?
-go---away-----
Thibaut V May 2014
The Havens
Haven't
had enough
music

Since two shoes
changed to clogs
on the grassy tops
of sweden

Hiding
from handwork
and labour
in the woods

with the nymphs
empowered lymphs
and hyphens
Thibaut V Sep 2013
Hasina had gums of a prune colored play dough, much like the type which he used to mold and model into similar contraptions and cases. Contrasting with the teeth of a superb suburban plaster, the ***** contusion continued its conversation. Collecting admirers and adolescent adonis’ innocent of their sins. Since the inoculation, passed away, a pretense to nervousness approached the very essence of our chest; the bead of the brooch where we found the philtrum too close to the nose. Curling inside its own bare curves. A bed without sheet, hindered, harnessed, the horse dragged on.

We soon found that the things we feigned to hate would come close to fame, In a magazine cover sheet, handed in late.

Hasina, and her mother, certainly did not suppose that that beneath the floor boards, neither harm nor concern would be discovered. And neither was. With the way their will worked things became distributed. Disturbed guests of unwanted presents and gifts soon re-sent to other more malleable means of hospitality.

Hungered as the hundredth wolf come to late. He too howled, but not at the moon, or rather not its simulacrum of a glowing truth, its silver light, or any movements its clearly showed. Growing loose the tumor slipped out, slowly. And with a plop, pressed against the walls, The jaws dropped and the mason jar closed and posed on exhibition for lessons, and interests, obsessions, dreads, things grotesque pressed against the walls.

To be captured, resting above the skyscrapers. Where in the hours of dawn, space overlaps, a frowned pace of a clock grows fondly of the time that is lost and past.
Thibaut V Dec 2013
I see folks sit in Solids
I have retired
and went back to work
some entire, image
is too generous to forgive or have received

for torn faces do I see
ones of more healthy regimes
to begin and end
not in a day dream
but in a nightly sleep
and daily score

ones of impending towers
to drift to the sea
and wish forever more
to be

the slithering concoctions
on a writhing rock den
of pain and empathy
will supersede

and others who possess
such unnamed beauty
are possessed

and instead to find
its for the best
to relieve of said tension
and maintain as a suspension
Thibaut V Jun 2014
This body, the body,
is built,
or shaped,
now into contemporary
catagories,

the body is a place for secrets.

as a pomegranate that
has its seeds pulled back
and a thin film comes between
the next layer of skin.

waiting to leak out
or to be lifted up
for a kiss
I’m
feasting on the twine

the fruits off the vine
the sweetest I choose
or the ones who
rest in the grass below
and silently bloom
leaving their seeds
to near
to grow

these fruit bearers
and the zip files
and fields they include
Thibaut V Feb 2014
Deep inside my Tum
Whether I am lifting a Van
Storm clouds above
A damp weatherman

Tension hooked in by the side
trampoline
suspending the moon
in our wildest dreams
Thibaut V May 2014
small vibrations
on my chest
is all it takes
to give and give away

and now I feel bad
that thats what you had
to go through
and I was too busy thinking of you

but not flavorsome you
that might have had regret
but the imperial you
the one I wanted
to colonize
and make mine

and now I feel selfish
living in the welfare of my metaphorical arms
expanse wealth to cover expenses of my nimble interests
Thibaut V Sep 2013
And we’ll die
like a lemon dried
seeds that become stuck in pulp
of unfinished needs

I was angry
that you wouldn’t believe
when I would say
I couldnt be
one of the rocks
who would never leave
who would only stay
and would only stop
who couldnt breath
and you would always of thought
what little I brought
would never be mine
since it was always here
this whole time
and I
could pause the clocks
match its pace
and synchronize
and the base of the hour glass
must now fade into the past
for now, all that reminds
must be seen a bough
to a branch
Thibaut V May 2014
I just wanted to share with you something
a poem
something I wrote
in the hopes you'd notice
some more fragile side to me
one with compassion- and we would probably call it
desperate or helpless at best.

That I could have a broad heart -
though that's not what we want
we want one that's sharp
that will pinch at us
and never give up
that will be ours
exchanging into mine
to me it will belong
for a decent cause
for all the pattern was
a stranger sense of fading love.

Instead
Id speak to you best with
words
that were always indirect
since
if things must be ambiguous Id rather
it be with you and with me it left.
Thibaut V Jun 2014
A well roped mast
but not through my heart strings
but my hands
and my fingers
each one deciding on what to do
and the activities with which they are amused
will determine a habitual future
We often believe that we are driven by something within us- I feel that while this may be true it is in fact all the other things that we choose to be engaged with in life that will determine how we end up living our whole lives.
Thibaut V Jan 2015
A pseudo safe
Gave the ayes
It's not the grave;
The why's.
Thibaut V Sep 2013
Sleep,
Breath
Heavy
Disease
Eats every
Seed
Everything
I needed
Slipped from reach
There it stayed,
On a clingy moss that grew off the cliff .
There it layed,
As a tired cat in the sun.
With teeth long as a trees.
It finally signed a treaty
Where the body meets its end.

No motives.
Plot.
Paths to follow.
Into that thick light green patch that would seem to never end.

Not a pulse or shadow, to follow into a light or wall.
"Its staying tonight, and that is all."
For when it wakes the second one will be what you have become.
Thibaut V Oct 2013
Amersham Arms
Synonymous with
Alcoholics Anonymous

If we cant tell genocide
is just some vicious type
of subtle suicide

If found it is a combination
of the obligation of order,
and thus the decision
of order, which would arrive
Thibaut V Jul 2014
I grew up with game stop and kids swap yet sometimes fruit striped gum was not enough. Found on tights leading to great thighs and bums. Yet sometimes it was not enough.

An intoxicated glaze covers my face makes it easier to cover the space between us.

I don't want any trouble - said to the stumbled man of mystery. Yet no double standard for this trial and error trying to resolve what we thought were the answers.

The scent of pasta sauce and **** in the doorway
Thibaut V Mar 2014
I stretched
and my head shook
and a fragment of dust fell on my screen
and I felt dead silence

I had thought it before-
if there was anything happening in the silence
if people who sat there
were instead mounted
in some egotistical endeavor

in the distance and out the window
I began to see the beginning
of a stationary UFO
and the idle suspension chords
of the stadium below
and the light above
and down they glowed.

I saw buildings
that came in phases
instead of the pages
I am meant to read
my flatmate nagging me
et ce n'est pas possible
with such a scope of the city

and the day turned to a pale blue gray
and the sun waded away
down the back of this library
in which I could not read
Thibaut V Feb 2014
Who walks with a tall cigar.
Aiming to spite the fate of a former affair.
He found height to be something to reach for outwardly, as a street instead of stars. As practical desires and the successes of a lateral man are not evident as those of a dream but instead a carefully plotted seam.
an old poem from 30/07/2013
Thibaut V Jun 2014
stagnate-
up the creek par se
every which way
I'd use alliteration
for this rash
but its not homogenous
instead in separate stashes-
painfully buoyant idle and robust;
ducks

Brain fried
like a thousand flies,
above the floating trash,
better identified-
the outskirts
of a vague form
than the innocuous worm
found in straw surrounded ponds
in wiggling room -more than enough;
stuck

come in short
into the common fort
to flaunt, gauge, and gauze
columned concerns-
the core and the cause
for which there was none

yet allowed slow a ripple
to echo, reverse and to dribble
to re-emerge the subtlety
of a moving hill
Thibaut V Dec 2013
We prefer
indifference
things homogenous

though we can  still shake them up
coming to terms with
being alone
Thibaut V Jun 2014
on my window sill
there they stayed collecting dust
and all the sun they need
but not a drop of soil or rain
Thibaut V Jun 2014
There's no shame, in removing your shoes
We just don't want the plague
well We'll just wait till it's gone away

So I'm eating out of your hand
Magnum grapes, and
The last look from planes
And other things shared leaving me in my own bubbly daze

The last invitation
To the hero to show
and when he doesn't
we'll all just go
Thibaut V Nov 2014
Occasionally I feel the curious mystery that sustains in khaki
bows and the mystery of planes
as an emporium of leaves immerse the night
swallowed in the open plains of plaid or locked in the wood behind the walls in home on the range
a wonder
of crosshatch
and deliver
in the answer
I curiously consider
"what thing would dispel
such a calming
emulsion?"
Thibaut V Nov 2014
I sense I am irrelevant through your irreverence
in the other room cheap songs of love played under the ones I choose
let me speak to you like an idiot - and that makes me smart
“*******”
softly entered -
then blurred my vision
I think I am sick
but dont know it yet
but Im probably alright
and I am glad I feel alright

dont sweat it
but sweat it out
“at the end of the day right”
with a long line of acquaintances

what are you raising your eyebrows about
with reactions like that - you shall be the subject of another bout
Thibaut V Nov 2014
Both the scholar and soldier
smolder for something more

-

If I dont struggle
then I dont write
its so simple;
to need a fight

a wrinkle in the cool light
a misty mouthful
of autumn rain.

I’ve seen it all
at least most of the words in the suit case
and in turn
a freedom self gained
to enact whichever change;
like things liked to die.


but something I still cant remember
was, if I was estranged
if I was the same
but if that was lame

no house now howls nor hawk cries
nye shriek the syllables
of a growling night

I find as I finally want to send a letter
I discover the daunt- the mail box slaughtered
Thibaut V Nov 2014
Your Love didn't move
its just different
Thibaut V Dec 2013
Color sells on a carousel
spinning round
flashing hands in front of
children's
faces

We so often forget the muses are found in the youth.

so bring me again
to that quiet seaside that I found
comfort in

Bring me again
to that smoldering cold shouldering
thing you do called a sin,
neglect.

— The End —