but did you listen?
no
you had no reason to listen
you were at the top of the world
soaring high
you always did remind me of icarus
but did your wings melt?
no, no
they reveled in the sun
glowed brighter, flew stronger
blazing hot
but did you have enough?
no, never
you had no concept of enough
you were going to have it all
and all was not defined
living high
but did you bother defining?
oh no
disorganized lines were your thing
you just kept everything jumbled, lines overlapping
so you never had to deal with yourself
dying slow
sigh
you never figured it out either, did you?
no, no, neither did i.
dear icarus. i love your wings. never melted. just froze hot.

I will never smile again
Life will never wake again
This much fog should be illegal
But fog is nature and nature doth not abide

I will never frown again
Life will never sleep again
This much sun should be illegal
But sun is God's and God knows best

I will never move again
Life will never stir again
This paralysis should be illegal
But paralysis is consequence and consequence knows no kindness

Writing an essay last night,
I broke a sentence in the middle,
To draw a margin on the next page.
The margin on the paper,
Seemed to make a margin in my mind,
In my train of thought as well.
And when I continued the essay,
I started somewhere else.

Chaos everywhere
Shouting, crying, pleading
Utter chaos everywhere
Blood-curdling shouts
Heart-rending cries
And Pleas
Who causes the chaos?
Who cries, who shouts
Who pleas for what?

It is myself.
With myself.
To myself.
For myself(him).

She moulded them
And shaped them
And coloured them
And placed them
Whichever way she wanted.
Words listened to her
And obliged.

She wished it could be the same with the humans in her life. But there was a reason she got on better with words.

~Moniba.

And I miss you tonight
As I've missed you all day
Darling I might not say it much
But I cry when you're away.

My heart feels lonely and
My mind doesn't talk to me
My soul feels like an orphan
And my love, for you I ache.

And I miss you tonight
As I've missed you all day
Darling I might not show it much
But I wilt like a week old flower when you're away.

My hands feel deserted and
My feet itch to come to you
My tongue traces my parched lips
And my love, for you I wait.

And I miss you tonight
As I've missed you all day
Darling I might not say it much
But I wish you would kiss me even when you're away.

And I miss you tonight
As I'll miss you till I kiss you.

Look at me
I am the misery of a hundred chained lions
The toil of a hundred caged doves
The lament of a hundred dying crickets
And all of those roars, those strangled songs, those insistent yet dying cricket notes
They live within, they live within.

Look at me
I am the ***** soul of a red forsaken woman
The diseased bruise on her red scraped wrists
The tangled lock of her red torn hair
And they lie on the cobbled ground of the fort where innocence breathed its last
They live within, they live within.

Look at me
I am the nagging probe checking your heart
The ticking thought-bomb threatening your brain
The nauseous green lurking in your inverted guts
And the nagging, the ticking, my nauseating smell that makes you hate me so
They live within, they live within.

Look at me
Look at me
Look at me

I am the refuse of your consciousness.

And then came the day
When feelings descended from the sky
Upon the earth

Men shouted, women cried, children laughed
Men fell in love, women smiled, children wailed

Before that, everything was silent.

i never knew i was capable of darkness
not until it seeped out of me
in ways i could not put a stop to
and seeped out with uncontrollable pace
sometimes it was visible only to myself
other times it was blatant and red
i never knew it was there though
not until i was shown the charred pieces of my young past
until i saw i had a heart which didn't just beat but bled as well
until i realized that years get darker as sun gets familiar
i didn't know i was capable of darkness
i didn't know until i decided to know
or maybe it wasn't there before it was
maybe i invented it
maybe everyone invents their own brand
maybe mine was darkness
should i sell it? would you buy?

That black hole
The one that ***** everything in
But still remains empty
Unsatiated.
The one which remains hollow,
Doesn't break, doesn't crack.
It takes everything in,
And waits.
For the perfect time.

Yes, that's the one I harbour.

~Moniba.

She said she'd tell me someday
The secret of her life
Her imperfectly perfect life.

Then one day, I found her dying
She said, here you go
This is it, the secret of my life.

Whatever happens, we die
It's a secret so obvious
Yet one to which we're so oblivious.

It's a drop, of all the seas
And the vastness behind it
Is death, the ultimate truth.

“My Self argues with me, that it can not live with Me, unless I change my Self.”*

I drift in dreams…
I feel myself
I relax
I’m in my world now
There’s no one to judge
There’s no one to look
There’s no one
To disrupt my peace
To **** my dreams
Inside of a dream

I drift in dreams
I relax
There’s no one here
It’s just me
But then I think
It’s harder to deal with
Myself
Than it is
To deal with
Everyone else

I judge myself
Harsher than anybody else
I criticize myself
In harder ways than anybody else
I rebuke myself
The way nobody ever can
I depress myself
As no-one ever has
I cause myself
To break apart….!!

So I force myself
To wake up
And then sentence myself
To nights as restless
As realities in dreams
I shy away
From dreams as well
As I shy away
From reality

She could foresee
That which she didn't want to.
So she hid from it.
But it happened anyway...

The young girl stood staring
A stare void of hope and life.
She wore an unwavering expression
Of boredom, and premature wisdom.
She looked on, through people and through walls
As if her destination was far beyond.
She stood lightly on her feet
Willing and waiting, for the wild wind's companion.
Tentatively, she raised a hand
Expensive reminders of fate, decorating her wrists.
Her palms opened, collecting moments of escape
Sweet escape of moments, from bitter surrender.
Her feet awoke, moving toward fate
To home, where the heart never was.
The girl stared no more with a stare void of life
Her expression, a facade; her destination, so near.
Her will not for the wind, her palm not for escape
She walked on forward, to home, to fate.
Another day will pass, and the ones after that
Her life will persist, reminders will remain.
The wind will come and go, her fate will make her stay.
For here she must be, and here she must live.

She stood in the rain
It poured down on her
She felt its weight
Letting go of her own
She closed her eyes
And looked inside
The rain outside
Had turned her tears
Into sheer relief
And gone were her fears
For now she felt
Heavy no more
Her mind was clear
Her body not sore
Her heart was calm
Her breath so sure
At last she felt
Free of the world
Free of its ties
Free of its wrath
And at last she felt
The void no more
She felt her soul
She felt no more...

At night they make their way
Into the recesses of my mind
Chiding me, shaming me, rewarding me.

These thoughts, they do not rest
Finding ways of crawling back
Taunting me, reminding me, hurting me.

They form a never-ending chain
Unbroken by new beginnings
Haunting me, and bringing me
Back to Reality!…

Let me die, who won't you.
I don't have any emotion anyway.
Why take away the knife and the rope and the bridge?
Why hide the drugs and the matchstick, the blades and the poison?
Let me die, why won't you.
I spear myself everyday anyway.
I've commited massacres and cruelty of all degrees.
I've conned hearts, I've kissed fresh wounds, I've skewered hopes time and time again.

Let me die, why won't you.
Is it because you think death  would go easier on me?

Life chased him, he ran.
It tackled him, he fought.
It teased him, he burned.
It punched him, he blocked.
It retreated, he followed it.
Until, he embraced it.
And then, life was okay.

Dull leaves, wilted flowers..
Dry grass, bent trees..
***** baskets, unkempt shrubs..
Caked shovels, arid soil..

She’s gone, she died.
There’s no one to care..
The flowers miss her,
The winds call to her..

The skies are sad,
The ocean weeps..
She’s gone they say,
She’s lost to the world.

There in the state of solitude
She sat, her head bowed down
Looking for the vital signs of life
The soft light of dusk, caressed her cheeks

What misfortune had come to her
She knew, and only God knew
She prayed to God, dusk prayed with her
And then twilight fell upon

She lifted her head and gazed up to the sky
Then felt her worries dissolve up high
Her disquietude just vanished
Solutions came to her

Allah helped her through
She thanked Him for that
And twilight thanked Him with her
She needed this now

Those moments of solitude
Engraved upon her heart
She’ll never forget them
‘cause there, she found God!…
~Moniba.

Years come, years go
What matters is not the number,
Rather the loss of time.
The loss of opportunities,
The loss of moments...

Years come, years go
What matters is not what happened,
Rather what it hurt.
The loss of connections,
The loss of friends...

Years come, years go
What matters is not what broke,
Rather what was fixed.
The loss of wholeness,
The loss or trust...

His face went blank.
The internal world raged on.
There was war, he was torn.
Streams of emotion.
Nothing visible.
His face was blank.

Trying to write
                        without words.
Trying to speak
                        without voice.
Trying to draw
                        without lines.
Trying to listen
                        without sound.
Trying to see
                        without light.
Trying to feel
                        without emotion.
Trying to be
                        without being.

*Can you do the essential without the essential?

That dent upon your brow
And frown upon your lips
That nervous twitch of your fingers
And the habit of angry pacing

I wish it were of use.

That genuine smile of purity
Those eyes when wide with intensity
The glisten of your tears
And your everlasting hope

I wish it weren't in vain.

Your random endless talents
That silver tongue, the play of words
Your mind so quick, and thoughts so clear
That golden pen, and the wand of vision

I wish… You knew to use them.
Not for you, not for them.
Just for Him, and then for all.

feels like leaving your arms.

As I took my last breath
I wondered what they’d say
If they knew
I was going away
Never coming back
Going away…

If you find me gone one day..
Do not cry and do not shout,
Just pray for me and carry on…..

If you find me gone one day..
Do not be sad, do not look for me,
Just let me be and carry on…

Coming in and going out..
This is the fixed cycle of life,
We come, we grow, we hope, we go…

So if you find me gone one day..
Do not worry, do not mourn,
For I have lived, and you must carry on…

feels like settling back in.

They told me they were coming,
I got excited, became happy.

I turned on the stoves.
And put out the good plates.

Then waited and waited,
And waited and waited…

I turned off the stoves,
And set in the plates.

But hope lingered, and
I kept waiting…

They did show up,
But it was too late,
And I had slept.

So they went back,
To come back again…

After making me wait,
So much, so long…

If I start now,
It'll take me a few centuries,
To get to my world in the skies...

My world in the skies,
Where I can soar above all,
And where spring never ends...

It's all good there,
It's all pure and right,
It's my world in the skies...

My utopia, my bliss, my azure,
It's my world in the skies,
Far away, a place to escape...

When life seems harsh,
I have my world,
My world in the skies...

To hide in, to take refuge in,
It's my utopia, safe from all,
Where winters are rare...

My world in the sky...

I made you strong, you made me weak.
Isn't it love, that we seek?..

We did what we had to, not what we wanted.
And now the memories, they keep us haunted.

Shackled with the thoughts, I can not be merry.
It's hard to laugh and play, i'm always dreary...

We both smile a lot now, we've had to learn to fake it.
So now the plan we have, is to fake it till we make it.

Blurring the world from my sight,
They find their way down…
Snatching away all the logic,
They fall onto the ground…
Heavy upon my heart,
They weigh nothing to those around…
Fueling my burning emotions,
They let all reason drown…
Depriving me of all my strength,
They continue to flow unbound…
Awakening the suppressed sobs,
They make my head pound…
Making the world seem distant,
They fall-my tears, without a sound…