what is love
how does someone
open themselves to love another
I don't know if my heart
can handle anymore
vulnerability
how does one love healthily
I only know how to idolize someone
to think they can do no wrong
that they're perfect
I'd do anything for them
then to hatred in the blink of an eye
everything they do is wrong
they're the same as trash
I don't want to see them ever again
why do I switch between
idolize, hatred, idolize, hatred
so on and so forth
until one day
I feel nothing towards them
I don't hate them
but I don't idolize/"love" them
I think I must be broken
if I cannot love
or even know what love is

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

I wish I could've been a kid
a happy kid, a normal kid
a kid who was loved
not a kid who knew which parent was coming and if they were in a bad mood by their footsteps
a kid who played with toys
a kid who didn't slave away taking care of the house and their siblings
I wish my childhood were an actual childhood
I wish I didn't have to worry about getting beat
or screamed at
or not allowed to eat dinner
or made to swallow dish soap
I wish my unhealthy relationships weren't normal to me
I wish I knew what a healthy relationship looked like
I wish I didn't endure what I endured
it was too much for a little kid to carry
and it's too much for me to carry now

I slashed at my thighs
with an anger buried deep inside
no one heard my silent cries
tears blurred my vision
so I wiped them away
and picked up the blade
I use my body as a canvas
and paint an image prettier than me
with my blood
it tells a tale of sorrow and woe
where the child knew nothing of love
so lost and alone
the blade was a comfort
the scars a reminder
a reminder of when life gets tough
and everyone leaves
you'll always have me
since 11 years old I've cut
cut my arms
cut my thighs
see the blood, look now you feel high
higher than depression can reach
now you're sad
let's do it again

I wear long sleeves in the summertime
I spend my days unsticking my pants from my thighs
I must admit I relish the sting when the water hits
the shower brings pain from my self-inflicted cuts
I see beauty when the blade digs in and the blood drips down my wrists and thighs
I hope these scars last an eternity

exhaustion settles into my bones as my screams turn into silence
the darkness comes and goes in waves as I continue my descent in the downward spiral
oh how I wish that my scars would open up and start bleeding
the ocean drags me down into the deep abyss
the agony seeps under my skin and permeates how I see the world
my sickness is one that can never me cure

Invalidated day after day
“She” “her” “girlfriend”
Replayed in my head
Never silencing the wrong pronouns that people say
They love me but why can’t they call me something other than a girl

Wishing they’ll change
“They” “them” “he” “him” “boyfriend”
Anything other than “girl” would make me happy
Would satisfy that little boy inside me aching to be called for what he is

Second biggest insecurity? My chest
Why?
It makes me feel like a girl and I don't want to feel like that
I hate how the way I dress or do my makeup makes me look female
It’s like nothing I do matters for people to think I'm a boy
Sure a select few respect my pronouns
But it's not many

I feel so alone and isolated with my dysphoria
No one I know can understand my struggle
I just wish I had a flat chest and a masculine face
Then I could get away with wearing makeup without looking like a female

Sometimes I want to plead with god why he made me hate myself so
I didn't ask for this
This constant battle of wanting to cut my chest just so it can feel the way I feel when I see them
It hurts deep inside to see this ugly body being portrayed as a woman
I want to be a boy
Nothing people say can make me hate my body less

I look in the mirror at myself and I want to cry
This isn’t how I should be physically
I hate it
No matter what gender I feel day to day, I can never please myself
I grow my hair out so I can look a little feminine
But then I chop it off so I can look masculine
One side will be happy for a short period then it will be angry again

I just want to be content when I see myself
Why must I be like this
Dysphoria is a demon I fight daily
But I never win
It had grown too strong over the years