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Liam 1d
Him
why do I think of you still
it feels like you control me even when we're no contact
I don't miss you I tell myself
you were evil and violent and controlling
I don't miss you
I miss the idea of you
the idea of comfort and romantic love
but that isn't you
I want softness and gentle love
you cut me with your sharp edges and your harsh words
I won't go back to you, I can't
yet I still think of you and it's torture
I'll admit I'm lonely
but I need to keep my standards
a violent lover is no lover of mine
not anymore
Liam 1d
anxiety is the bane of my existence
it consumes me
eating away at my sanity
until it controls everything i do

heart pounding so hard that i feel stabbing pains in my chest
my lungs get put into overdrive until they feel like they collapsed
my throat burns and closes up
i feel like i can't breathe

my stomach becomes the bermuda triangle
twisting and churning, ******* everything to the bottom
my body is filled with tremors and my legs don't seem to be strong enough to walk

my mind races and blurs of thoughts race back and forth
it feels like everyone is staring at me
i can feel their eyes boring into me
judging me
and when i hear someone laughing
i believe it's me they're laughing at
after all all i am is a joke
a freak
“a girl who thinks she's a boy”
an ugly clown

so i dont go out of my way to talk to people my age
at school i keep my eyes to the floor
and my expression blank and emotionless
i don't want people to know what im thinking
for fear of what they might do with it
Liam Jan 31
you were cancerous to be
leeching off of me
manipulating me
i'm not sorry for cutting you off
like a tumor growing on my skin
you had to go
i don't want to feel bad for getting help
but you made me guilty
i didn't deserve to hear you threaten suicide
im sorry i was busy
but i was helping someone in need
i cant talk 24/7
you made me feel bad for attempting suicide
saying you almost tried to as well
you never asked how i was feeling
you only cared about you
and the attention you got
so i'm not sorry for cutting you off
i need to be healthy
and you were not the kind i want to surround myself with
Liam Jan 31
the darkness threatens to overtake me
to soothe my sadness with pain
self-inflicted pain
but i must not give in
this will pass
it won't last for long
but it seems so sweet
like a familiar lullaby
but the lullaby has a dark undertone
like ring around the rosie
i will not give it
i am stronger than this
it will pass
i will not embrace the blade
no longer will i obey its every call
Liam Jan 28
the urges are coming back
the urge to skip breakfast
to skip lunch
the urge to work out until dizzy
and lightheaded
the thoughts are getting strong
the thoughts about my weight
about my size
i wish i was never like this
but awful parents that were vocal about their and others weight gives you a complex
oh that poor seven year old me calling theirself fat
Liam Jan 24
Spiteful, yes that is what I am
You think a diagnosis can wash away your sins
But you made me feel worthless and fat
You can try to spin the tale around
But you and I know what truly happened
Your rough heart cut me deep
I’m still bleeding to this day
I drown in my tears from the agony you gave me
Yet you pretend it never happened
You ignore my pain and brush it off
The facade of trying to connect with me crumbled
I see now what your true intentions were
To show that you spend time with all your kids
But I won’t forget the screaming and beatings
It seems worse that you did the abuse sober
No alcohol to make you violent
It was truly you
You can’t blame your diagnosis
Liam Jan 24
you emailed me
it was in my spam
i deleted it without reading it
part of me yearns to know what it said
to feel your arms wrapped around me
but my heart seems to forget how angry and dangerous those hands could be
it wants to feel his warm lips against mine
but seems to forget the lies and manipulation that oozed from them
why do i do this to myself
i don't deserve to be treated like that
i was viewed as something to be owned and dominated and used
not cared for or loved or protected
he pretended to care
but he just wanted my body
i need to drill that into my head so i don't end up with him again
he isn't the one
he is emotionally violent
verbally violent
physically violent
he is not to be trusted or let in again
i will not repeat my mistakes
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