and tonight i’ll ache.
for no particular reason or amount of time.
i’ll stare at the tree, clad in the soft yellow glow of christmas lights, and i’ll ache.
i’ll ache for a time i was filled with childish wishes.
for a time i would wake up earlier than dawn to open up colorfully wrapped boxes and bags.
i’ll ache for the christmas spirit of times past.
i’ll ache for me.
for a version so far gone, i can barely remember her face.

i need you to tell me that this wasnt for nothing.
that the sunflowers growing in my front yard grew from the sheer amount of love i poured into them,
rather than the fertilizer i packed into the dirt.
i need you to hold my face in your aching palms and tell me ive changed.
that my eyes shine like honey, and my skin glows in the moonlight.
that the promises i made many years ago have grown flowers in your heart and spread its seeds to the people around me.
i need you to tell me im good.
please tell me im good.

ive always told myself "i can do this on my own."
i can draw the blade and pierce it through the ones in my way.
i can watch their blood pool beneath my feet, and feel no remorse.

but my hands are stained crimson and there are tears in my eyes.
my hands search, not for a blade but, for you.

i do not want to stain your clothes with my past,
but i need you like the air i breathe.

i cannot fight alone.

the stars would be proud
to be a piece of someone like you

sometimes i think about the emptiness of my bed,
and imagine you laying there.
breath steady and even, your arm draped around me.
i imagine your shoes by the front door.  
thrown next to mine, probably in a hurry to sit down.
i imagine your glasses next to the kitchen sink
as we do dishes together and laugh about the water splashing up at us.
i imagine your clothes in my hamper, and mine in yours.
i imagine your books mixed into my book shelves, and your dvds laid next to mine.
i imagine a life that may never be,
a life with you still in it.
a beautiful life, filled with the softest of dreams.

this years curtain call is coming shortly,
and i still wish i could spend the winter months holding your hand.
you know how cold mine can get.
yours are always so warm.

i will not long for a heaven,
or some other mystical place where i will get my final rest.
i’ll wish for a place where i can stay loved.
a place i can stay loving you.