feel my face contorting
and the tear ducts release
the sense in my chest
of a painful dissolving decay
that i've lost a vital *****
all i see
is gray..................................

feel like i've been ****** against a wall
horizontal and cold
the air pushed out of me
the world hard to discern
my life on the edge
of vast nothingness
the great vacant chaos
and i have no where to turn.

feel the most extreme
loss of senses
to the blackest ghosts
i look and look
to see where this is going
and i see
i befall
but a bloodless barren
an utter void.
when i look out the window
when i walk down the street
can't see where this is going
at all...........................

1)
He's brilliant but he doesn't make a bit of sense
(what sense does that make?)
He empowers them, while I **** his
poisoned arrow,
when they face hell, he pulls them up
but I,
am an eagle down..
and I'm pigeon-toed
in his bigotry,
my feathers are tarred, I'm
under his elephant foot, choking
on his sloppy joe.

2)
I didn't know my own disposability
reality hit hard, I was
ignorant, there are no great people left
there is no way.
time... has passed... and
changed much like 'us',
now I'm up by New York
without a second thought of you.
chugchugchugchugchugchugchug
Is that dawn in the garage?
has she chipped all the paint?
I'll wait in Hoboken,
I'll wait by the telephone
cause someone has to pay,
I'm sorry to say,
it's not the great graffiti artists of New Jersey
or the rainbow-braided boy,
it's the nonrecyclables
and the flammable toys, wooden and headed
for the incinerator.

3)
Been here calling you,
calling you to come, calling you here,
I hope with all my being you can hear me calling...

(a day drunk with thinking goes by)
        

or
perhaps I wish you'd ignore my efforts
and make love to yourself,
have a good acid trip...

(a few good hours pass, until I look into their dilated eyes and remember my little 'crystal ball')



MAYBE if it were ALIVE, could i TRY and understand it!
What If I drink
from the lesbian's coke or use her chapstick?

I'm illiterate.

OH mama, how'd you fall off the shelf?
I thought I had you hanged, I could
build an igloo, with these walls,
and line it with leather OH
let it snow
and I shall play
in the sludge.


4)
Men, naked, smeared
excrement on their faces
***** insects crawl
at your toes
bloodied, yellow
moans, almost
instrumental
Fade   into the cement wall...
trembling cries, drooling into a pool
of *****, tears
and saliva
little words in weak screams
they were to live but to not be living,
I AWOKE
on my mother's oriental rug and wondered
with dust in my mouth,
why I'd fantasize such Disgust.
Why I saw men,
naked, smeared excrement on their faces
and their jaundiced feet
in puddles
of *****, though they're starving
and smelling,
smelling smell upon smell, of decaying bodies
of themselves
and sunlight would be a gift from
the prison-guard-god
dying to die like their brothers,
trying to ask why of the others,
why don't they have the answers,
caught up again, WHY
do i sleep at my mother's?

It's 5:30. You're just getting up

I'm not just getting up, I've BEEN up. I'm just in my underwear.

You better start eating,
(******)
You're lookin mighty skinny,
(******)
You better hope you don't have any DISEASES
******.

eye roll. walk away.
Why does he feel the need to tell me what time it is
every time I see him?
and how horrific and
skinny I look.
I don't have any diseases
I guess he wouldn't believe that
after all I am
a ******.

I can see his Liver in my Mind
Engorged
Disgust
Gallons of the purest form of
****
in that Gut
he carries around
as a stomach

But what does my opinion matter ?
I'm just his
skin and bones
****** son
still in his underwear in the evening
who hasn't eaten all day
and refuses to play basketball
so he can retire
on time and
have another beer.

Better Eat, ******
Better be Clean,
Better hope to God,
******
you get up tomorrow.

thanks...

  fatty.

I had visions
of his bedroom in Iselin
Looking out the second story window
under the sun
through the bluish-gray drapes
...there was something...
he found it...
Beautiful.
Standing beneath a tree
speaking a language in which
he didn't know he was fluent-
HE BREATHES IN
I'M TAKEN IN WITH THE WIND
and I felt him all around me
I knew him...
Beautiful.
Beautiful! but...
I can't speak it.
I am speechless
there with him, just like him
inside him...
I just wanted to be being
that thing on the sidewalk
beautiful-
whatever it was
that I saw
in the curvature of his eyes...

maybe i do
expect unconditional love
expect to swim and play recurrently
and eat cookies
and occasionally clean
maybe i am
a strawberry
blonde mermaid
and so what if i want
someone to care for me
what if maybe,
just maybe,
what if i find
what .i'm .seeking...

maybe i seek
dependence.
and at the same time demand IN-dependence!
oh, what if the piano plays
me?
maybe i don't know
maybe we're not meant to
maybe we're just not meant to be
and maybe i simply know nothing
but childhood...
maybe my hair billows...
in the subtle currents
and maybe my fins
are iridescent green...
and maybe
way out there, maybe - i'll find
the sea king.

Gotta gnat wing floating in my apple drink

I stare...

Figure a body's
Gotta be here somewhere,
might be tasty,
might be a treat
for me to eat.

Gotta 45 and a shovel and a Real ***** upstairs...
I reckon blood would spill out everywhere
might be pretty
might be messy
but nothing I can't LICK
right up...

The shower curtain music, it calls us to the edge, it pulls us by our throats until we slip until we fall and drop
and choke

a sweet soapscum fix

a sweet rifle on the porch by the pigs
voices from the bucket
where chemicals are toxic and
it's back to the bathtub (without those rubber grips)
and it's BACK to the BAR to give a *******
or BACK to the swinging sling of shame
or BACK to that GNAT wing for fine drinking
more CONVINCING to the dark god when he
s l i p s .s . s. s...
on that soapscum fiX.

silly fellow
with no fears
as he wallows
in his tears
with his head
in his hands
he thinks the dead
go to promised lands
he wishes for a brand new light
in the darkness of the night
he acts like he's fine...
when he's ugly inside
and he's drowning and he's burning
in an eternal flame
with no one else to place the blame
who does he sit with
besides his partner of understanding
who beats inside his heart
he will miss those
who he'll leave behind
who never knew what was going through his mind
they never knew how blind they really were
until now...
until the hidden feelings burst
and let out a scream for help
so silent to the emergence of the situation
what was wrong within his destiny
was it something he deserved
had he made a mistake
maybe
his doubt rages
an exclamating promise
an escalating bliss
...he ages...
and takes
and takes
and takes
until now...
until he can take no more
and his emotions explode through his skin
which has never been sincerely touched
or nurtured by a heart
he's collapsing from within
and no one's there to help him
he wants someone to talk to
just one simple ear to listen to his mind
which is so wide open
...he thinks...
the suicidal traffic trapped in his overloaded heart
is breaking him to pieces...part, by ever sweet part
his laughter is so credible
but nothing seems to work
someone knows his secret
sitting beneath the murk
he screams
(isn't anybody listening?)
and he thinks that maybe one person cares
but is this meticulous support
infinite within a power
do they know exactly
do they understand
yes
until now...
until he thought of a single reaction
to a significant amount
and started to take action
is he grown or changed or emerging from life
or dying, suffering from confusion and strife
...he dreams...
and tears run down his cheeks
so smooth with emotion
so corroded with fear
everyone seems to be after him
he thinks so differently
a mutated thought he has caught
they never imagined he would do the unthinkable
until now...
he has no privacy
not even in his own world
his own world is shutting down
he's running...and running
and running out of places to run
and hide
he's screaming to no oblivion
it shot up his spine
and he never thought the courage would build
but it has and it has
until now...
now it's crumbling
and so is he
down down down
into the ground
melting
his life is melting
they didn't see it
they'll die not knowing why
they will die
and so will this world
and it's wonderful creations
and its pointless means of happiness
which effects affect none but the love blind
and naive
his universe has crunched and shrunk
and shriveled into the earth
and dissolving is the soliloquy of his life
he changes his mind...
far too late
he looks ahead paralyzed
and falls into his dugout
and lays forever
with never the fear of a second life
again drowning in tears
and fears
...of others...
he dies.
but not just for himself
or not
he would think...
and think...
but now he can't
his mind and heart are functions of the past
his cords of thought flew through
the highest of towers
his life sunk the deepest of waters
he realizes the forever love of these powers
the powers he could have let become
the talents and beauty he could have let create
but now his creation says no
and so does his fate
and so do their screams
but now it is silent
and everyone hears the echo of the scream
they wish they had heard.