When a little part of you dies inside,
It feels
Horrible.
It feels like you're dying all over
But you're not.
Just inside.
Another part of you...........................gone...........................fore­ver.
Never to return.
Never to heal.
The part that's left,
Dies a little
More
And more
Until....
It stops.
I see you die inside.
A chunk here,
A patch there.
And it hurts me,
More
Than it hurts you.
Because
I'm the only one who knows you are dying.
You keep it so secret, nobody,
Nobody,
Nobody knows you're dying.
Except me.
And it kills me.

Chills are running down my back,
Eyes are flitting everywhere;
Breath is shallow as I run,
I'm not afraid,
Nor am I done.

Feet are pounding solid earth,
Arms are pumping through the air;
Jaw is clenched as if in pain,
I've made the end,
Now I am done.

I sit here wondering
Am I making the right decision?
Can I know?
Until I take the leap can I ever really know?
It won't be easy,
I never said it would.
It will make enemies and will tax my friends,
But I gotta go.
I gotta take my leap to
FREEDOM.

I've gotta live a life.

Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I always to be the bad one,
The one who is never the victim?
Can't anybody see?
See what I went through?
Is there nobody who listens
Or nobody who cares?

I was always there.
You never saw me.
You never heard me.
You never knew that I was right beside you.
I was there
When  you turned 13
I was there when you fought with them.
I was there
When you started
Dying inside.

I had a dream tonight
About my brothers
Again.
But this time, it was happy.
Tommy was talking to me as usual,
But we were smiling.
We were walking in a field,
Full of that tall wavy grass
And we were barefoot.
It was so vivid....I was wearing a white halter top dress,
Hair undone, curls blowing in the wind.
Tommy was right beside me,
In jeans and a white tee.
He was looking at me
And I him.
We were walking toward Sammy,
He was climbing a tree.
We talked about everything, anything.
It felt like home,
I wanted it to be home.
Safe, warm, full of love.
With my brothers.
Truly home.

Nobody knows I am dying.
No, not physically
Just inside.
Part of me wants people to know.
The rest vehemently disagrees.
I was asked if I was
Depressed.
I said
No!
But now...I wonder.......if maybe......I am.
I've kept my problems to myself.
That my parents don't love each other,
That my mom calls me stupid, dumb, an idiot.
That my parents thought there was something wrong
with ME,
when it was really them.
They took me to a shrink.
I didn't talk.
The shrink started "shrinking" them.
They stopped going there.............fast.
My parents yell at each other,
There is no love.
There is no food in our house, just
Katsup
Onions
Pickles
I have to buy my own food.
My brother stays away from this house as much as he can.
We both agree,
This is not a family.

Have you ever experienced the chance of a new, clean slate?
The slate of life is often
Dinged......Scratched.......Pitted.
With what?
With mistakes, yes.
With trials, yes.
With things beyond our control? YES, YES, Hell to the YES.
So here's to new life--a new slate.
That wondrous, captivating, and uncharted slate to a new life.
Go. Discover. Fall in love with that chance.

I can see you.
See you sitting there,
Writing this about me
in...Bible (Tsk Tsk).
Yes, I miss you
Even though I never met you,
I miss you.
You grew up your whole life
Not knowing me
But I've spent my whole life
Watching you
Watching you when you
Sleep
Eat
Read
Don't study
Run
Cry
Die inside
When you hurt, I hurt for you
I will always
Love you...
Watch you...
Know you...
Protect you from way up here in the sky.
I'm watching you.