When a little part of you dies inside,
It feels
Horrible.
It feels like you're dying all over
But you're not.
Just inside.
Another part of you...........................gone...........................fore­­­ver.
Never to return.
Never to heal.
The part that's left,
Dies a little
More
And more
Until....
It stops.
I see you die inside.
A chunk here,
A patch there.
And it hurts me,
More
Than it hurts you.
Because
I'm the only one who knows you are dying.
You keep it so secret, nobody,
Nobody,
Nobody knows you're dying.
Except me.
And it kills me.

I was always there.
You never saw me.
You never heard me.
You never knew that I was right beside you.
I was there
When  you turned 13
I was there when you fought with them.
I was there
When you started
Dying inside.

Nobody knows I am dying.
No, not physically
Just inside.
Part of me wants people to know.
The rest vehemently disagrees.
I was asked if I was
Depressed.
I said
No!
But now...I wonder.......if maybe......I am.
I've kept my problems to myself.
That my parents don't love each other,
That my mom calls me stupid, dumb, an idiot.
That my parents thought there was something wrong
with ME,
when it was really them.
They took me to a shrink.
I didn't talk.
The shrink started "shrinking" them.
They stopped going there.............fast.
My parents yell at each other,
There is no love.
There is no food in our house, just
Katsup
Onions
Pickles
I have to buy my own food.
My brother stays away from this house as much as he can.
We both agree,
This is not a family.

I can see you.
See you sitting there,
Writing this about me
in...Bible (Tsk Tsk).
Yes, I miss you
Even though I never met you,
I miss you.
You grew up your whole life
Not knowing me
But I've spent my whole life
Watching you
Watching you when you
Sleep
Eat
Read
Don't study
Run
Cry
Die inside
When you hurt, I hurt for you
I will always
Love you...
Watch you...
Know you...
Protect you from way up here in the sky.
I'm watching you.

I sit here wondering
Am I making the right decision?
Can I know?
Until I take the leap can I ever really know?
It won't be easy,
I never said it would.
It will make enemies and will tax my friends,
But I gotta go.
I gotta take my leap to
FREEDOM.

Chills are running down my back,
Eyes are flitting everywhere;
Breath is shallow as I run,
I'm not afraid,
Nor am I done.

Feet are pounding solid earth,
Arms are pumping through the air;
Jaw is clenched as if in pain,
I've made the end,
Now I am done.

Hypnotized.
Her body rolling around.
Flowing like water
She runs right on thru.

So hypnotized.
Feet moving
Torso waving
Hips tempting.

She interprets the beats.
Swirling all around.
Shirt falling off her shoulders.
Draws people to her.

Her body speaks for her.
The notes of the music are her language.
It's the only language she speaks.
Dance is how she communicates.

Solo.
It is what I'm good at.
I'm riding solo.
No pain involved.

Hey, sorry it didn't work,
But I ride solo.
Gotta spread my wings so I can
Ride solo.

She's like nothing you've ever seen before.
She doesn't need people.
She survives on her own.
Independent.

Everyone wants to be her.
I wanna meet her.
But I can't find her.
I know her,
But I can't FIND her.

I can't describe her.
I can't find the words.
You have to meet her.
But you will never FIND her

Put your face into my neck.
Breathe me in.
Forget the world you're in.
I know.

Let me wrap my arms around you.
I want to feel you.
Remember who I am.
You know.

Have you ever experienced the chance of a new, clean slate?
The slate of life is often
Dinged......Scratched.......Pitted.
With what?
With mistakes, yes.
With trials, yes.
With things beyond our control? YES, YES, Hell to the YES.
So here's to new life--a new slate.
That wondrous, captivating, and uncharted slate to a new life.
Go. Discover. Fall in love with that chance.

See that person at the store,
Begging for your change?
Asking someone for what they could spare?
"Get a job" is all they collect as a reply.

Pray to God you never have to live like him.

She got pregnant,
He said he'd take care of her forever.
2 weeks later, he's nowhere to be found.
She cried as she walked into that clinic.

Pray to God you never have to live like her.

He like to get rich selling drugs,
Rolled with the bad boys--thought he was cool.
But there was a fight, and he pulled out his .45,
Went down in a hail of fire, leaving his wife and kids behind.

Pray to God you never have to live like them.

I had a dream tonight
About my brothers
Again.
But this time, it was happy.
Tommy was talking to me as usual,
But we were smiling.
We were walking in a field,
Full of that tall wavy grass
And we were barefoot.
It was so vivid....I was wearing a white halter top dress,
Hair undone, curls blowing in the wind.
Tommy was right beside me,
In jeans and a white tee.
He was looking at me
And I him.
We were walking toward Sam,
He was climbing a tree.
We talked about everything, anything.
It felt like home,
I wanted it to be home.
Safe, warm, full of love.
With my brothers.
Truly home.

Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Am I always to be the bad one,
The one who is never the victim?
Can't anybody see?
See what I went through?
Is there nobody who listens
Or nobody who cares?

Everyone is looking for love.
Most find it.
But then there are the select few
That wonder if they will ever even get near it.

Some of us aren't cut out for love.
We don't have the mindset.
We can't deal with the accompanying emotions.
We are scared.

People will try to tell us that
We are too young yet.
Or that we are looking in the wrong places.
But what they don't know is that
Sometimes,
It just doesn't happen.

I made it.
I fought.
I died.
I was reborn.
But I made it.

I never gave up the fight.
Now I'm on the top.
The sky is below me,
The world is mine.

I don't want it.
I accomplished what people dream of.
But I'd give it away in a heartbeat.
This world that is mine,
That is my oyster,
It is unwanted and ***** to me.

But the mantra in my head keeps me going.
I must have it.
I must succeed.
I am afraid of failure only.
I made it,
I made it,
I made it.

Mirror on the wall.
Tell me who I am.
I can see my past.
I see the message.

Mirror oh mirror.
You've been my only friend.
Thru my rise and fall.
You can understand who I am.

So here we are again.