I sat with old
(oldest?)
friends and raised my glass, cobbled together a toast

these are the best years enjoy

I was twenty-two.

In a different life maybe I would be too skinny and my arms would be cut up and I'd be with the wrong crowd swallowing the wrong pills and maybe you'd see how much you hurt me reflected in how much I hurt myself.

As a child, I fervently imagined falling in love with someone.

It is nothing like I'd imagined.

hands shaking, you pack; tremulously, knees drawn in to your chest in in a way that suggests self defense
you are leaving because you can no longer stop yourself from drawing your sword, from cutting into him deeply, blade to bone

you have been here before you know that no one deserves this

Heart versus mind, heart versus mind. The click-click of heeled boots on a tiled floor or tears shed in the arms of a best friend. Style, sophistication, or familiarity.
Welcome to the tearing apart of a girl.