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50 · Jul 15
Untitled
palpitations. hyperventilation.
heart beats faster than a horse
should I be worried? yes.
50 · Jul 31
You reap what you sow
Bitter Truths of Self-Review

I hustled in silence.
And everyone reaped the benefits of my success.

So many people said “Congratulations!”
But truth be told, I appreciate more the ones who walked with me during the storm—
The ones who asked, “How are you?”
Who checked in—not to gossip, not to judge—
but just to be present.

Support doesn’t always look like grand gestures.
Sometimes, it’s the quiet voice that says,
"You’ve got this."
"Rest if you must."
"Keep going."
Those words—
they replenished my soul when it was hanging by a thread.

I studied for five months.
But behind those five months
were moments of silence,
whispers of anxiety,
and distractions that clawed at my focus.

Special mention to my aunt, my cousin, and his girlfriend.
They gave me sleepless nights—
noise I didn’t need, chaos I didn’t ask for.
They pulled my thoughts away from my goal,
and I... I stayed quiet.
I bit my tongue.
I placed my anger at God’s feet.
I didn't want to explode—
but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.

I told myself,
“If I don’t pass the board exam, I swear, I’ll curse them in my heart.”
But I passed.
Not because I was perfect.
Not because I was better.

But because God is great.
Because He saw my silent tears.
He witnessed the moments I wanted to give up,
the arguments, the loneliness, the exhaustion.

They tried to pull me away from my dreams.
But God pulled me closer to them.

So no—this success wasn’t just mine.
It was God’s mercy.
It was the quiet support of a few souls who believed in me.
And it was my own battle—fought in silence,
won in prayer.
49 · Aug 6
🐙
Are you a judge, why do you keep objecting me?
I am not a clown, but I am a laughingstock
I am not a mistake, but you saw me as a failure
Well is for fetching a pail of water, not for pushing me down to drown
Snakes are crawling, how come, you are also walking
Coins have two sides, so are humans too, but you are one sided.
What is wrong with my eyes, why do they have subtitles, the same goes with my face.
My eyes, they side eye or roll
My lips, they twitch and glitch then smirk
My face went from normal to poker
My eyebrows are raised, but I prefer to walk away.
Time once told me, that he alone, is karma
He alone will come along and hunt us all down
He will soon partake everything you did in my town
Time is tired from all of our drama

Time indeed tells when I will be able to forget you
It took me time to realize how blessed I was when I met you
It took me time to savor the love you have given me and made me
felt
I admit it, I was once held captive in your arms and it made me
Melt

Therefore, I conclude, it took me time to digest those flowery
words of yours
It came from that intoxicating and disgusting tongue of yours
Hence, time is always on riptide
My time has come to tell you this from the bottom of my heart
Time is indeed the truth teller of all liars

The universe, the spaces and everything in between conspire
Time always told me the truth you could never tell
Time has always been on my side
In the slightest touch of your fingertips

I have forsaken you amidst the troubles and woes you have given me
You gave me nothing but pain
You gave me nothing but heartaches and misery
You let me slip, away from the tip of your fingers

From every word I hear coming from your foolish lips
Everything still keeps on staying, it lingers
Though it was already in the past, but the pain still drips
It still drips in the back of my mind

Thinking why you left me behind
I wrote you poetries in exchange of your betrayals
I wrote you songs in exchange of your lies
I loved you right in exchange of you, leaving me behind

It’s true when Miley Cyrus tells that “Misery loves company”
But I pity you as I envy the girl you replaced me
How come you tell me things and repeated those mere words to her
You chase me now without forgetting you worship me instead of her

Can you not feel déjà vu by remembering your first compliment
I admire the confidence and I judge the poor sense of character
development
I curse you from now on until the day you rejoice on your deathbed
Get that **** inside your head
When you finally hold in your hands what you once begged God for, return to Him.
Don’t let pride steal the moment meant for gratitude.
Be humble, because this blessing is not a trophy of your own strength — it’s the fruit of His grace.

Don’t boast as if you carried yourself here alone.
The truth is, while you were asleep, God was working.
While you were worrying, He was making a way.
While you thought nothing was happening, He was moving mountains you couldn’t even see.
"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).

A lot can happen in the silence.
A lot can change when the season feels still.
God does His best work behind the scenes, and when the curtain finally opens, all He asks is that you remember who the Author is.

So when you receive the answer, bow your head before you lift your chin.
Thank Him before you tell the world.
Because blessings become dangerous when they make you forget the One who gave them.
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21).

When your prayer is finally answered, return to God.
Be humble, not boastful.
Because you didn’t get here by your own power — it was His hand guiding you every step.

Remember, a lot can happen while you’re asleep.
While you were resting, God was working.
While you were doubting, He was aligning every piece.
While you thought nothing was moving, He was making a way in places you didn’t even know existed.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5–6).

So don’t take the blessing and forget the Blesser.
Don’t wear the crown and forget the King who placed it on your head.
Because the same God who gave it to you in an instant can take it away just as quickly — not out of cruelty, but to remind you that the gift is never greater than the Giver.

Bow before you boast.
Praise before you post.
And let your gratitude be louder than your achievements.
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
Because blessings are safest in the hands of the humble.
48 · Jul 16
no one has to know...
No one has to know. No matter what other people have to say against you, their opinions never matter. At the end of the day, no matter what you do in life, you always have a home in me, my arms will welcome and embrace you. Keep moving forward my love, mistakes happen. We are all imperfect, still, what was important was you were never invisible in my eyes.

We survive not to please other, but to prove to ourselves that we can do it. That we deserve to live a life independently. We survived long enough to satisfy ourselves. Opinions of others are not required to be heard, God's voice does.
48 · Aug 2023
Thank God (12-27-20)
You are my favorite feeling
That feeling I'm longing to find
You're that feeling I'm missing
That feeling I'll never leave behind

I have come a long way just to find you
I have gone too far cause you're always on my mind
I hope you'll meet me halfway
And I'll wait for you along the way

I'll never want to forsake you
Cause you're impossible to find

If fate and time will only be by our side
My love for you will never be denied
If you'd only let me love you
Baby, I won't let go of you

You are all the thoughts in my head
And all the love in my heart
Baby, I'm yours for eternity
And you're mine for infinity

Ooh, you're always in my head
And you have forever owned my heart

Thank God, I have already found you
Thank God, you’re already mine to keep
Oh, you’re that man I’d always wanted to keep
Cause you are my answered prayer

Thank God, I already found you
And finally, I already have you
I already had someone to call my own
And I will never be forever alone

Come with me where dreams are born
And time is never planned
Come with me where our love is born
And our future is long planned

Take my hand
Yes, I'll take you to Wonderland
Take my hand
Since you're here with me in Neverland

Baby, you may not know it yet
But I have already loved you
Ooh, I already did the first time we met
Yeah, I do love you, love you, oh

We can make it through the test of time
You and me against all odds
As long as you’re here with me
Our future is secured and long planned

For more moments and years to come
You are the one I want to share my life with
For more ups and downs to come
You’re the one I want to build my home with

You will always be my favorite feeling
That feeling I'm always missing
You know what I’ve realized?
Insults say more about the person giving them than the one receiving them.
They’re not just words — they’re windows into someone’s insecurity.
They can laugh, deny it, even swear they’re “just being honest.”
But deep inside, they know.
They know that the reason they’re throwing stones is because something in you reminds them of what they wish they could be.

It’s not really your flaws they see — it’s your strengths.
It’s the way you keep going when they gave up.
It’s the way you shine in places they’ve stayed in the shadows.
It’s the way you carry a confidence they never built.

And instead of working on themselves, they try to work on you —
by tearing you down, by chipping at your spirit,
by trying to convince you that you’re less than what you are.

But here’s the thing: their insults can’t rewrite your worth.
Their words can’t lower your value.
If anything, they’re proof you’re doing something worth noticing.

So let them talk.
Because while they’re busy revealing their insecurities,
you’ll be busy revealing your growth.
And nothing makes an insecure person more uncomfortable than someone who refuses to shrink just to make them feel tall.
He asked me:
How are you holding up?

I smirked in his question:
You’re really asking me that? After what you did?
After you forced yourself on me and walked away like nothing happened?

He answered:
…I don’t know what to say.

I spoke:
Of course you don’t.
You never did.
You never said anything that mattered,
Even when you took what you wanted
And left me to hold the pieces of myself in shaking hands.

You left without a trace—
No crumbs.
You ate it all.
Devoured my trust, my voice, my sense of safety,
And walked away like it was nothing.

I added:
People say wounds heal.
That trauma fades like smoke through time.
But when?
Because it still lives rent-free in my mind—even if you don’t think about it at all.
It’s there when I’m brushing my teeth.
In the split second before I fall asleep.
In the silence that follows laughter, reminding me what was taken.

And you once said I ruined your life—how insensitive.
Did you ever think you ruined mine?

I recalled:
I was 15.
Barely a child.
Already depressed.
Already struggling to stay alive.
And you took advantage of that silence.

I wanna describe the feeling,
It was nostalgic to walk down memory lane
without flinching or shaking at recalling
something you wanna forget but your mind does not cooperate

I asked him:
Did I ruin your life?
Are you really saying that to me?
Do you even hear yourself?

You’re trying to make yourself the victim
When you were the one who pinned me down,
Ignored my “no,”
Took away my safety,
And left me in the dark with it.

You say you were young.
You were 23.
A fully grown man.
Sober.
Aware.
Choosing.

You talk about your innocence like you didn’t take mine.
Like you didn’t strip it away with your hands, your weight, your entitlement.

I asked him once more:
Do you know what ruin looks like?

He clapped back this time without holding back:
To answer your question…
Ruin is like sleeping,
But you can’t sleep at all.
Even if you drink yourself unconscious,
It won’t work.
It still finds you.

I objected:
No.
That’s not ruin.
That’s guilt.
That’s the echo of your own making,
And even that—you can escape with liquor, with numbness.

But ruin?
Ruin is when you wake up screaming
Because your body remembers what your mind is still trying to forget.

Ruin is when you flinch at kindness,
Because you’ve learned that even warm hands can burn.

Ruin is carrying your own body like a secret.
Like a crime scene.
Like a war was fought there,
And no one came to clean up the blood.

That is what ruin looks like.
And it lives inside me.
Not in your glass.
Not in your hangover.
In me.

Ruin is learning to flinch at the smallest sounds,
the lightest touch.
The unexpected movement of someone walking too close.

Ruin is hating myself for years.
Feeling insecure with who I am,
Guilty for what I let happen—
As if being naïve was a crime.
As if freezing instead of screaming meant consent.
As if my silence signed away my right to be safe.

I was just a girl.
Trusting. Vulnerable. Too young to even know the danger.
And you used that.
You knew I wouldn’t fight back.
Because I was already fighting everything else.

Ruin is sitting alone on the bathroom floor,
Clutching myself,
Trying to feel real.
Trying to feel clean.

Ruin is carrying shame in my bones
While you walk away, living your life,
Claiming you were the one who got hurt.

Ruin is a fifteen-year-old girl,
grounded, wings clipped to be broken not bound to fly
like a penguin, have flippers but felt useless
with broken dreams, felt caged and has limited movements

You said I ruined your life.

I did not ruin your life.
I am not the type of person to ruin a ruined person.
before I ruined you, you are already bound to be ruined
you caved in, you hid from me
ran away, you even teamed up with a priest to tolerate the **** you did

He was a boy. not a man. One thing I know is, boys tolerate ***** like their ****** life. Men ruin.
like Pompeii, you are bound to crumble and collapse


But did people look at you like you were tainted?
Did they whisper behind your back, tearing apart your dignity?

Did you have to teach yourself how to be touched again without shaking?
Did you have to pretend to be okay while dying inside?

You don’t get to say I ruined your life.
You don’t get to twist what you did into something about you.

He protested:
I… I didn’t realize it affected you like that.

Without a doubt, I said:
Because you didn’t care enough to think about it.
I spent years thinking I owed you an apology.
That maybe I led you on.
That maybe I was too quiet.
That maybe it was my fault for not screaming louder.
For freezing instead of fighting.

But no.

I don’t owe you anything.
Not anymore.

I wrote 500 poems just to keep myself alive.
To let people see my wound through words.
Because it was the only way I could keep breathing
Without collapsing under the weight of what you did.

He apologized:
I’m sorry.

I said in a monotone voice:
Your “sorry” won’t give me back what you took.
It won’t erase the fear.
The shame.
The years of trying to scrub myself clean.
It won’t give me back the parts of myself
That shattered under the weight of your choices.

Your “sorry” won’t let me go back
To the child I was
Before you decided your desire was more important than my humanity.

But I need you to understand something:

You don’t own me anymore.

You don’t get to haunt my dreams,
Poison my mornings,
Make me hate the reflection in the mirror.

You don’t get to take any more of my life than you already have.

You asked me how I’m holding up?

I’m holding up
By reclaiming every part of myself you tried to break.
By reminding myself every single day
That what you did was never my fault.

I’m holding up
By writing my way back to life,
One poem at a time.
One breath at a time.
Even when it hurts.
Even when it feels impossible.

I’m holding up
By living,
Even on the days the memories try to pull me under.
By laughing.
By creating.
By loving people who deserve my love.

By refusing to be silent about what you did.

You may have hurt me.
But you do not get to destroy me.
You do not get to end me.

I am still here.
Breathing.
Healing.
Rising.

That’s how I’m holding up.

A moment of silence.

Then, I speak again:

You know, old wounds never really heal.
Skin deep, they close—
But underneath?
They’re still bleeding.
Quietly.
Silently.

They ache
When the weather changes.
When the world gets quiet.
When a certain smell or a voice
Drags me back to that day.

You see me laughing now,
Building a life,
Writing my poems,
Showing up for people who need me—
But you don’t see what it took just to get out of bed some mornings.

You don’t see
How I clutch the sink when the memories hit out of nowhere.
How I have to remind myself that I’m safe now,
That you can’t touch me anymore.

You don’t see
How I’m still stitching myself back together.
Threadbare in places you’ll never see.

You don’t hear the whispers I say to the child you hurt:
You are safe now.
You are allowed to take up space.
It was never your fault.


You don’t see
How I survived you—
Even when I didn’t want to.

You asked me how I’m holding up.

I’m holding up
By breathing through the days I feel like I’m drowning.
By writing 500 poems
To remind myself that my voice
Is stronger than the silence
You tried to bury me in.

I’m holding up
By loving myself
In the ways you never could,
In the ways you never wanted me to.

By letting the wound breathe.
Not hiding it—
But honoring it
For what it is:
Proof that I am still here.
That I am still alive.

So yes,
Old wounds never really heal.
They stay,
Like a faint echo.
Like a scar under skin.

But I’m learning to live with it.
To hold it
Without letting it drown me.

I am still here.

And you don’t get to take that from me.

A pause. I look you in the eye.

I asked him this time:
Tell me something.

Why did you do it?

Because it was easier?
Because I was there?
Because I was depressed, quiet, vulnerable—
And you knew I wouldn’t fight back?

Because I looked tired of life,
And you thought I wouldn’t tell?
That no one would believe me?

Was it worth it to you?
Taking from a 15-year-old girl,
Leaving her to break herself apart
While you went on with your life, untouched?

Tell me.
Why did you do it?

Without hesitations, you held your breath and answered it:
Because you were easier to capture,
Easier to fool,
Naive enough to follow.

You:
So it was about power.
Not desire.
Not accident.
Not confusion.

You picked me
Because I was small enough to silence.
Because I didn’t know how to scream yet.

You fed on what made me soft—
Turned my quiet into consent,
My loneliness into opportunity.

You knew exactly what you were doing.
And you’re still trying to call it a strategy
Instead of a crime.

But I am no longer quiet.
And you don’t get to name it anymore.
I do.
And I name it ****.

for the longest time, I thought my rival in this fiasco was Medusa, but I was wrong.
I was like her too. Misunderstood. Judged. My reasons weren't heard.
easy for everyone to say, quick for everyone to judge
coins have two sides, so is the truth too. it is not always one sided.
Like smoke, it cannot be consumed. it comes out on its own.

He did not make a sound. He just smirked and keep his head low.

I was so angry at myself. so angry that I did not tell a single soul about it. afraid you will haunt me and **** me.
I forgot I was the predator but never the prey.

He said in a low monotone voice:
“…I know.”
(He bows his head, unable to meet your eyes.)
“You’re right.”

I smirked and continued...

There’s nothing you can say to fix it.
This isn’t about you finding peace.
This is about me finding mine.

You asked me how I’m holding up?

I’m holding up
By speaking.
By facing you.
By refusing to carry what you did
In silence anymore.

And now—
I am holding up
By letting you carry the truth, too.

I said calm, firm:
You know, I forgave you.

Not because you asked me to.
You never really did.

Not because you deserve it.
Not because it erases what you did.

But because I owe myself an apology for that day too.

I spent years thinking it was my fault.
That I was weak.
That I should have screamed louder.
That I caused it.
That my naïveté invited it.

But I didn’t.
I was 15.
I froze because I was terrified.
Because I was a child.
Because that was the only way my body knew how to survive.

I forgive you
Not to free you—
But to free me.

So I can breathe
Without your shadow choking me.
So I can live a life that is mine,
Not something you get to own forever
Because of one choice you made.

You will live with what you did.
Whether it haunts you or not is your burden.

But I will live with what I choose now:

I choose freedom.
I choose peace
Even if it comes slowly.
Even if I have to remind myself every day
That I am allowed to have it.

I forgive you
Because I am reclaiming the power
You tried to take from me.

And I am done
Letting you define who I am.

I am still here.

That’s how I’m holding up.
48 · Aug 1
so why am I happy?
“So, Why Am I Happy?”— A monologue of distance, survival, and self-love.

You ask why I’m happy?

Funny how the question only comes now—
now that I’ve stopped explaining myself,
now that I’ve stopped showing up for people
who never noticed I was crumbling.

I’m happy not because life suddenly became kind,
but because I walked away from the rot I once called “home.”
I forgave them—not for their sake, never for them.
But for me.
To unshackle my wrists from the rusted chains
they wrapped in apologies.

I repainted my ruins.
I rebuilt my walls with bare hands and blistered hope.
I whispered into the wind
and let it carry my pain where it could no longer echo back.

I was there.
Every time.
When they were bleeding,
I tore parts of myself just to patch them up.

But when I was the one unraveling?
Silence.
They spared me reasons.
Not support. Not love.
Just cold, neat, well-explained reasons.

They laughed at the sacrifices I never mentioned,
mocked my distance when I finally drew a line.
No one asked,
“What happened to her?”
No.
They only asked,
“Why did she stop serving us?”

They made me feel guilty for healing,
for reclaiming the space they once drained.
They confused my boundaries for betrayal,
my silence for arrogance,
my peace for punishment.

But here's the truth:
I gave my best to people who were never meant to stay.
I became the rescuer, the bandage, the therapist,
until I was the one bleeding out on the floor.
And when I stopped showing up,
they called me bitter.
They never asked why I changed—
they just judged the version of me that finally chose herself.

So yes, I walk away now—
but not with regret.
I carry lessons,
not leftover pain.

They burned the bridges?
Good.
I grew wings.

They kept talking,
but I stopped explaining.
Because silence, for me,
became the sharpest, cleanest form of goodbye.

I used to scream.
Now I just leave.

I used to explain my worth.
Now I live it—loud in spirit,
quiet in execution.

I dream again.
Not caged, not pitied.
Not waiting to be rescued.
I’m my own sanctuary now.

They said I was “too much”?
No.
They were just not enough.

They called me cold?
I call it calm.
They called me selfish?
I call it survival.

They don’t get to pity me anymore.
They don’t get to tell my story.
Because I wrote it in fire.
And I walk with it inked into every step I take.

I no longer carry the weight of pleasing people who left me empty.
I stopped bleeding for those who wouldn’t offer me a bandage.
And now that I’m glowing in the dark,
they say I’ve changed?

**** right, I did.

Because this joy—
this stillness, this freedom—
was earned.

I am happy.
And no one gets to steal that from me again.
48 · Aug 2023
positions. (8-20-22)
You know what I wanted
You got what I needed
I'll let you free tonight
Seeing the bright lights

They say the sky's the limit
Baby, don't reach that limit
Why did we reach heaven
You are my lion living in my den

Why is this feeling keep haunting me
It keeps haunting me
I like it harder like that, like that
I love how you go inside me like that

You know you're the only one I want
You made me crazy about you baby
You got me so addicted to you baby
You're the only one I want

Got to utilize the different positions
Giving you all the attention
Whenever you feel comfortable
Oh babe, you look so adorable

It's fine as long as you're happier with me
As long as you enjoy me
It's fine as long as I satisfy your cravings
Don't worry, I will give you everything

As long as I feed your hunger
And quench your thirst
Our love will never be over
Because I would always choose you first
48 · Jul 6
poetry
Well that's me
Telling everybody what they see
That I am the villain they wanna see
I hurrah'ed, applaud for them
In turn, they mock me.
****, everybody wanna be like me
Don't wish, I am just a normal, random young adult woman
With broken dreams, broken wings
Not everyone wishes to see.
Like a dragon, it breathes fire
But me, I breathe and exhale poetry.
47 · Aug 2023
Paradise (2-4-21)
What I see is my lifetime paradise
That's what I'm sure of
What I have now is my blessing in disguise
And he's one thing I'm sure of

What we had was a rollercoaster ride
You and I collide through the good times and the bad
I just could not take for granted what we had
You're my groom and I'll be your bride

Baby, you're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with
You're the one I want to be with
I might not give what you wanted
But I got what you needed

Baby, hold my hand and we'll make it through
Cause I still love to love you

I know what we had was meant to be
And our relationship was tested through time
But the moment I saw you, I knew that you're the one for me
I hope it's your hand I'd end up holding till the end of time

I may not be a perfect lover for you
Although I make mistakes, I promise to never break your heart
With or without my presence, I will always be here for you
But I hope we never part

Your voice calms me like the sea
After a long and tiring day
Your angelic face is all I needed to see
And I can rest my worries with you

In your arms is where I wanted to stay
Cause I never want to let you go
You're that guy I never expected to have now
Now, who is willing to have me now.

Baby, you are my best view
I cannot take my eyes off of you
Ooh, you know how I loved you so
Hey, I got my focus on you
46 · Aug 2023
midnight feels (7-10-22)
Give in to me
Lie down on top of me
I just wanna be yours tonight
Until we get tired

Ride with me, dance with me
Bite me wherever you like
Kiss me whenever you like

Until midnight feels different
Until midnight feels different

I just wanna lie down next to you
I feel so tired, so tired
I just wanna be yours every night
Until you’ll get tired of me, me

The weather’s so fine, the ambiance is so cold
You are all mine, now I’ve been told

Midnight hits different
Until midnight feels different
I just wanna wake up with you in the morning
And see your gaze, my darling

Walking with you barefoot
With your hand in my hand
Your wish is always my command
Cause your love can soothe

In all of me
I feel warm, I feel calm
Just give in to me
Until life hits different

Until my love hits different
Until your way of ******* me hits different
NSFW ***** explicit mode
46 · Aug 2023
I am. (7-14-21)
I don’t deserve to be in so much pain
I deserve so much more
I deserve better
Guess all of the fragments remain

I am not like this before
I deserved better
Now that I finally am feeling better
No need to be this bitter

Thou shall not fool thee
If your intention was only to love me
Thou shall not hurt thee
If your intention was to keep me

I ran away for miles
I felt okay for a while
You made me feel temporary affection
But made me feel lifetime desolation

I am who I am
And your love was so much more
A burden in my soul
A sucker of my energy

I am what I am
And your lies were so much more
To reach your goal
Got to maintain this energy.
46 · Jul 9
Untitled
The apple does not fall far from the tree, right
And you fall too hard
broke your bones, limbs
I scoffed and smirked,
"You deserved it" I said.
46 · Aug 2023
Waiting (2-4-21)
Why does it always pay to wait?
If I get all impatient, would I be too late?
I can't understand myself lately
It seems like I want to stay

Fell in love with a man who has it all
Loving me perhaps was his call
Ooh, I would love to let him know I'll wait
No matter how long I would always wait

You are all I ever needed
And all I ever wanted
In this world filled with lies
You’re the only thing that’s right

So, I’ll love you with all of my might
Every time I look him in the eyes
It feels like I love to stay
Every time you look and come my way

You are my lover and my everything
You are my forever king
You are mine and I am yours to keep
That’s why I fell in love too deep

You’re the reason why I keep smiling all the time
You’re the reason why I always cry when I miss you
You’re the reason why I could laugh all the time
You’re the reason why I became so happy every day

Because you’re the one I love
You’re the reason why I believed in love
You’re the reason why I chose to stay
You’re the reason why I chose you

My heartbeat is a melody I always hear when I miss you every day
My mind was always filled with thoughts of you every day
I hope you would still love me the same
I hope you'll never change

Because my love for you never ages
And I will always call your name

I will be waiting patiently for you
I will still love you
And right by your side is where I’ll stay
No matter how long or short the days
46 · Jul 5
yapper.
We started off as something solid, something rare, a friendship carefully knitted with trust and loyalty. It was supposed to last, supposed to be unshakable, and yet, it was ruined by someone unworthy—someone who didn’t understand the value of what they had. They couldn’t see it, or maybe they didn’t care, and because of that, what we built together crumbled. We ended up blocking each other on social media, severing ties we once held sacred. If necessary, we will bury every memory, every trace of what was lost, deep in oblivion, so that nothing remains to haunt us.

Are you not tired? Tired of yapping about nonsense, of repeating the same empty words over and over again? Sometimes, maybe, try to think before you speak. Learn to use your brain, not just your mouth. Words without proof, words without substance, are just noise. Tin cans clattering in an empty room, hollow, meaningless. And yet, you continue, oblivious.

I watched you think that your words had power over us, that your chatter could undo what we had. But it didn’t. It never did. It only revealed your own emptiness. I thought so from the very beginning. I knew that those who talk the most often have the least to show for it.

What was lost from us, what slipped through your fingers, will find its way back to us. Nothing that is meant to remain can truly disappear, no matter how hard you try. And when you lost us, when it became clear that we would not bend to your nonsense, you need to prepare yourself. The consequences are coming, whether you expect them or not.

The worst is yet to come, and I don’t mean it lightly. I mean a storm you cannot avoid, a recipe for disaster carefully calculated, inevitable, and utterly final. You will not see it coming, because you are too consumed with your own self-importance to notice. But it is waiting. And we? We will not return to rescue you from it.

We are done revisiting ruins, done playing into games we never signed up for. You will find no second chance here, no invitation to mend what you broke. The bridges you burned are ashes now, and we have walked far beyond them. The past is yours to carry, and we are no longer a part of it.

Go home. Go back to the Philippines. Face your son, if you can, without spinning lies or excuses. He deserves better than the chaos you bring. Focus on him. Focus on yourself. Stop wasting energy trying to manipulate or haunt what no longer belongs to you.

Notice this: while you are still thinking, still plotting, still wondering what to say, we are already one step ahead. Always. Every move, every plan you make, is already anticipated. We are not your prey. We are not your audience. We are beyond your reach.

I hope you understand that obsession with control is the only thing you truly have left, and even that is fragile. You cling to it because you cannot face the truth. You cannot face the emptiness that you have created for yourself. And that is your punishment.

I don’t need to shout. I don’t need to justify my anger. My calm is sharper than your noise, my silence heavier than your words. Every empty argument you make lands on a wall that is already impenetrable. Every attempt you have to rattle me only reminds me how far I have come from you.

We are done. Completely. Irrevocably. There is no going back, no second chance, no reconciliation. The chapter is closed, the ink dry. You can stare at it all you want, but you cannot change it. And we will not be here to explain it again.

I am not angry anymore. I am clear. I am precise. Every move I make, every thought I hold, is free from you. Free from your influence, your lies, your chaos. And that freedom feels like victory, even in the shadow of what was lost.

Do not mistake this for weakness. Do not mistake this calm for submission. It is power. It is control. It is the knowledge that you cannot touch us anymore, that we are already gone from your reach.

Ciao. Adios. Sayonara. I am done, fully, finally, and without regret. Keep your nonsense. Keep your empty words. They have no home here anymore.

We are moving forward. And as we do, remember this: we were always a step ahead, always stronger, always beyond the chaos you create. And we will stay that way. Always.
45 · 7d
Privacy
“Privacy is power. What people don’t know, they can’t ruin. They can’t twist, manipulate, or destroy what they cannot see. Every thought I bury beneath the surface, every emotion I hide behind a careful smile, becomes a shield I wield without apology. They think curiosity is strength, that prying is clever—but the truth is, ignorance is mine to command. They cannot touch me, cannot claim me, because I have learned the quiet, unassailable art of keeping myself whole and unseen.

I have walked among them, among those who think they understand. I have let them believe they know my fears, my desires, my failures. I have let them assume they have me mapped out like some open book they can carry around and display. But there is no map. There are no labels. There is no doorway into the hidden chambers of my mind, no keys to the rooms where I keep my truths safe. And so, they stumble in the dark, grasping at shadows, while I move unscathed, untouchable, free.

It is funny, in a quiet, almost cruel way, how they strain to know, how they strain to see, and all the while, the very act of trying only proves their weakness. They believe knowledge gives them control. They believe that understanding someone fully is power. But they are wrong. True power is not given by transparency. True power is claimed by the one who chooses what to reveal and, more importantly, what to conceal. I have claimed that power, and it sits in me like a silent throne.

Every secret I keep is a sword. Every unspoken word is a dagger. Not against them, no—against the world that thinks it has a right to me, against the world that believes that openness is vulnerability. Let them talk, let them speculate. Let them construct their narratives, their half-truths, their fantasies about who I am. I watch them, amused, detached. They believe they are influencing me, shaping me. But in truth, they are shaping nothing. I am already complete in the shadows they cannot penetrate.

People fear what they cannot understand. They fear what they cannot see. And so, they invent monsters, invent scandals, invent drama. But I am not a story for them to dissect. I am not a puzzle for them to solve. I am a presence, silent and immovable, and they are left to flail in their assumptions. That is the power of privacy—the ability to exist without invitation, without permission, without exposure.

I am careful, yes. I am deliberate. I do not speak my truths freely. I do not hand over my heart on a silver platter. I do not wear my pain like a banner for others to admire or exploit. And because of this, I remain untouchable. Because of this, I remain sovereign over myself. They cannot take from me what I have chosen to keep. They cannot claim my fear, my love, my grief, or my ambition, because these belong only to me.

It is not loneliness, this careful guarding of self. It is mastery. It is discipline. It is the understanding that freedom is not given, it is taken, and often, it is stolen by those too eager, too careless, too entitled. I have seen how the world breaks those who give too much. I have watched lives dismantled, reputations shattered, hearts fractured, all because someone dared to expose too much. I will not be one of them. I will not be anyone’s open book, anyone’s toy, anyone’s conquest. I will remain in the quiet, and in that quiet, I am unstoppable.

There is a thrill in it, a delicious, subtle intoxication that comes from knowing no one can reach you fully. They can try. They can ask questions, pry into corners of your life, invent stories to fill the spaces where answers are refused. But every question unanswered, every smile that hides more than it shows, every silence that conceals a storm beneath, is a triumph. And I savor it. I savor the knowledge that I am untouchable, not because of what I have done, but because of what I have chosen not to give away.

I have been tempted, yes. I have felt the urge to explain, to justify, to open myself in moments of weakness. But I have learned that those moments are dangerous. In giving someone the map to your interior world, you give them the power to dismantle it. You give them the ability to rewrite your narrative. And I will not allow that. I will not allow them the satisfaction. I will not allow anyone to wield my life like a weapon against me.

So I guard. I conceal. I walk through crowds with the weightless grace of someone who belongs only to herself. I smile, I laugh, I play the part they expect, all the while knowing that the core of me is untouchable, impenetrable. And that knowledge—it fuels me. It fortifies me. It makes every insult, every slight, every betrayal that might have crushed another, dissolve harmlessly against the walls I have built.

Privacy is not just a shield. It is a sword. It is freedom. It is power. What people do not know, they cannot ruin. And I—oh, I—know everything I need to survive, to thrive, to conquer the invisible battles they cannot see. In a world that demands transparency, that worships exposure, that treats openness as virtue, I am the anomaly. I am the exception. I am the one who holds herself intact while others fracture. And that is my victory, quiet but absolute.

Let them talk. Let them speculate. Let them reach and fail. For every glance they cast, every word they whisper, every question they dare to ask, I remain unshaken, untouchable, sovereign. I do not belong to them. I do not exist for them. I am mine, fully and without compromise. And in that, in the sacred, unbreachable silence of my own choosing, I am unstoppable.”
"Never share your triumphs with those who never respected your trials. Some only appear for the applause, but never for the preparation."

_Ayna Denisse Mestio Moncenilla, LPT (2025)

That quote somehow rings in my mind.
They’ll show up when the confetti falls.
They’ll post the pictures, tag you with words like “so proud,”
as if they were part of every sleepless night, every bruised knuckle,
every moment you wanted to give up but didn’t.
They’ll stand there smiling in the light,
yet they were nowhere to be found in the dark.

They didn’t hear the silence after every rejection.
They didn’t feel the ache in your bones from grinding day after day with nothing to show for it.
They didn’t watch you pour every ounce of yourself into something that the world kept telling you was impossible.

People love the victory lap,
but they won’t walk with you on the uphill climb.
They’ll sip champagne at your celebration,
but they weren’t there when you drank bitterness and swallowed your pride.
They’ll cheer when you’re crowned,
but they never stood beside you when you were crawling.

And that’s the thing — they can’t respect your triumph if they never respected your trials.
They can’t value the crown if they never carried the weight of it. The truth is, some people aren’t in your life to support you — they’re just waiting for the moment they can be associated with your success.

But my victories are not party favors to hand out to the undeserving.
My success is not a photo opportunity for those who never showed up when it counted.
If you didn’t sweat with me, cry with me, or sacrifice with me — you don’t get to stand next to me when I win.

So no, I won’t water down the meaning of what I’ve earned by sharing it with those who only appeared for the applause.
My story belongs to those who stayed through every chapter — not just the happy ending.

Another memory that still clings to me is the day I told my father I wanted to join the AFP.
I expected encouragement, maybe even just a small sign of belief. Instead, I was met with criticism.
He looked at me and said I could never make it — because I was poor in math.

That moment taught me something: not everyone you expect to believe in you will actually believe in you.
And sometimes, the people closest to you are the quickest to plant doubt in your heart.

So now, I’ve learned to keep my plans close to my chest. I don’t announce my dreams.
I don’t give people the opportunity to dissect them before they even begin.
I will disappear for a while if I have to. Work in silence.
Return when I’m ready.
Not for validation, not for approval — but simply because I choose to.

And yes, I will forgive them for what they said, for what they did during my toughest times.
But I will never forget.
Forgetting means erasing the lesson,
and I owe it to myself to remember.
Not to hold a grudge, but to hold on to the strength it gave me.

I learned that silence is power.
That not everyone deserves a front-row seat to my journey.
That the fewer people who know my plans, the fewer opinions I have to fight against.
I learned that it’s better to surprise them with results than to give them the chance to **** my motivation before I’ve even begun.

I learned that some people would measure you by your weaknesses, not your potential — and that’s fine.
Let them.
Their disbelief is not my burden.
Their doubt is not my truth.

I learned that disappearing is not running away.
It’s regrouping, refocusing, and rebuilding without the noise.
And when I come back, it will be on my terms, at my own pace, with proof in my hands and pride in my chest.

I learned that forgiveness is for my peace,
but memory is for my growth.
I can release the bitterness without erasing the lesson.
I can move forward without giving them the privilege of forgetting what they once said.

And most of all, I learned that I don’t need their applause to keep going.
My drive has nothing to do with their approval — it’s built on the fire they once tried to put out.

I learned that my own family could take advantage of my wins — proudly telling other people about my achievements in public,
as if they were always behind me,
yet criticizing me in private when no one else could hear.
I learned that some people are more concerned with how your success reflects on them than how it truly feels for you to earn it.

I learned that a license, no matter how hard you worked for it, is not a golden guarantee of a job.
No. For me, it’s not a finish line — it’s only a ticket.
A ticket to knock on the next door,
to apply for another career, to open another path.

I learned that life doesn’t reward you just for passing. It rewards you for persevering.
And sometimes, the very people who celebrate you in front of others will be the same ones who try to chip away at your confidence when the crowd is gone.

That’s why I’ve stopped telling everyone my plans.
I don’t need their premature opinions or their silent sabotage.
I’ll speak when I’m ready.
I’ll show them when it’s done.
And they can tell the world about me again — but this time, they’ll have nothing to do with the victory they’re bragging about.

This experience somehow humbles me.
It reminds me that no matter how much doubt or criticism comes my way,
I am still standing — and that’s enough reason to be grateful.
I’m grateful for the lesson I learned along the way,
even if it came wrapped in pain.

On this bumpy road, I have met all kinds of people.
Some quietly waiting for me to fail,
others hoping I’ll make a mistake just so they can say they were right.
I’ve met the insecure ones — the ones who try to dim someone else’s light because they’re afraid to ignite their own.

But I’ve also learned this: it’s not my job to fight them, prove them wrong, or carry the weight of their insecurities.
Let God deal with them.
He sees their hearts and mine.
And I am secured, safe, and unshaken in my Creator’s presence.

I move forward not with bitterness, but with peace.
Not with vengeance, but with the quiet confidence that no matter who’s watching,
I walk this path with God beside me — and that is more than enough.
45 · Jul 31
mind
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

And I often wonder—
why are people always like that?

Why do some people find more joy in tearing others down than lifting them up?
Why is it so easy to become the topic of their conversation,
when all you’re doing is staying quiet,
trying to survive,
trying to build a life they know nothing about?

They talk like they know me.
Like they’ve read every chapter of my story.
But in truth, they only skim the surface—
the part where I succeeded,
never the part where I suffered.

They never saw the nights I wrestled with anxiety.
They didn’t hear the prayers I whispered while everyone else was asleep.
They didn’t feel the weight I carried on my back—expectations, fears, distractions,
all while pretending I was fine.

No.
They see the medals.
They see the passing score.
They see the result.
And suddenly, everyone has something to say.
Some cheer.
Some pretend to cheer.
Some wait for the next failure.

But I’ve learned this:
The smaller the mind, the louder the mouth.
Small minds need someone else to talk about,
because they’ve got nothing going on within themselves.
And so they latch onto people like me.
People who work in silence.
People who strive in private.
People who don't show their wounds.

They say, “You’ve changed.”
But they never ask, “What changed you?”

The truth?
It’s not that I’ve changed—
it’s that I’ve outgrown the noise.
The noise of gossip, of doubt, of empty chatter.
I’ve outgrown the need to explain myself to people
who never cared to understand in the first place.

And to be honest,
I no longer feel the urge to correct the stories they tell about me.
Let them talk.
Let them speculate.
Let them choke on their own narratives.

Because while they were busy talking about people,
I was talking to God.
While they were picking apart lives,
I was building mine.
While they laughed at my silence,
I was surviving in it.

So yes—
as Eleanor Roosevelt said,
great minds talk about ideas.
About purpose. Vision. Growth.
And that’s where I’m keeping my mind.
Not on the people who drain me.
Not on the opinions that don’t pay my bills
or heal my soul.

Let them whisper.
Let them watch.
Because no matter what they say,
I know what I’ve been through.
And God knows too.
45 · Aug 11
Untitled
Some people’s insecurity has nothing to do with you personally — it’s about the reflection they see in you. You’re a living reminder of the roads they were too afraid to take, the risks they refused to embrace, and the dreams they quietly buried under excuses. Your courage to try makes them uneasy because it exposes their choice not to. Your progress stirs something in them — not admiration, but frustration — because it reminds them of how far they could have gone if they had only moved.

They’ll say you were “lucky” just to downplay the years you’ve worked. They’ll try to pick apart your flaws just to distract themselves from their own regrets. They’ll whisper about you, twist stories, and turn people against you — because in their mind, if they can make you look smaller, their own lack of action won’t feel so big.

But here’s the truth: you are not responsible for their unfulfilled potential. You do not have to dim your light to make their darkness more comfortable. You are allowed to succeed, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Their insecurity is not your burden to carry.

In the end, people will either be inspired by your growth or be threatened by it. And the ones who are threatened? They were never rooting for you in the first place. So let them watch from the sidelines while you keep moving forward. You’re not here to relive their missed chances — you’re here to live your own destiny.
44 · Aug 2023
Sorry (3-20-21)
You’ve been so unavailable lately
Why’d you just took me for granted
You just said it yourself
That I am all that you wanted

You can’t catch my drift lately
So, am I making a fool out of myself?
Am I too much to be handled?
Is what I’m making you do

Hard for you to do?
So, am I just going to love with abandon?
The words I can’t say to you
Are the words you would hear in my song

Baby, I wrote this song for you
But still my feelings for you were this strong

Sorry if I overthink a lot
If I have been so emotional
If I mess up a lot
If I’m too sentimental

I just want you to know
I will never let go
I promise to hold on
Cause I don’t to go back to one

I’m sorry if I expect a lot of things from you
If I felt too jealous or disappointed
If I felt like I have trust issues
I just don’t want to feel like I’m avoided

I just need your time and attention
Ooh, I just need your love and affection

Maybe I just need a little bit of space
And keep myself busy all the time
Whatever it takes
I just don’t want to waste my time

I tried being so considerate and understanding
I want to give up already
Cause I’m super tired already
It felt like I’m the only one fighting

We’re going round in circles again and again
The pain always remains
But I don’t want to let you go
Cause I just want to stay with you
Stop bringing my name to the table I no longer sit at.
Especially when all you do is talk bad about me behind my back.
The past stays in the past.
Hate me all you want. Ruin my name. Allude and throw shade as much as you like.
I won’t defend myself just to feed your bitterness and satisfy your anger.
I'm not stooping low—but tell me, are you?

Go ahead—keep whispering my name like it’s your lifeline.
You don’t realize it, but every time you mention me, you’re only proving how stuck you are.
I’ve moved on, gracefully. You? You’re still choking on stories that have long expired.

I don’t need to scream or justify anything to people who already chose their side.
You want to act like the victim and villain at the same time? Fine—play the role.
But remember, the real ones know the truth. I don’t wear masks.
You talk about "class" while parading your desperation like it’s designer.

Trying to expose my flaws just to make yourself look cleaner? To make your conscience feel whiter?
Wow, impressive. But maybe try a little harder next time.
Your audience hasn’t even clapped yet—and you’re already fading. Outdated. Forgotten.

What’s the matter? Running out of things to say?
It’s always the same broken record with you.
Keep digging into my past, keep trying to get under my skin—go on, really give it your best shot.
Because I’m done playing your game, but karma?
Karma will take care of you just fine.

You like to stick your nose in everyone’s business, huh?
Just like what you did to us.
“Curiosity kills the cat,” they said.
But do you know what really kills that cat?
It’s not me—it’s God’s vengeance.
And honey, that tea?
That tea is not mine to spill.

Toodles~ ☕💋
Biblically:

Joshua 1:3

"Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given you, just as I promised to Moses."
(Notice it’s past tense — God said it was already given, even before Joshua stepped into it.)

Deuteronomy 1:8

"See, I have set the land before you. Go in and take possession of the land that the Lord swore to your fathers…"
(The gift was already there; they just needed to claim it.)

Luke 12:32

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
(It’s already granted — God delights in giving.)

2 Peter 1:3

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."
(Has given = already done, already yours.)

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
(God’s plan and calling for Jeremiah existed before he was born.)

Ephesians 1:4–5

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ..."
(This shows God’s purpose and blessing were decided before time began.)

Psalm 139:16

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
(Every blessing and assignment was already known to God before your first day on earth.)
Pretentious. I was never that type of person
Liar. I never lied about it, but are we in unison?
He told me already yesterday
He had unclear explanations, faulty reasons

I admit it, he is a walking red flag
He might not admit it, but he cheated on me
Caught him red-handed, put him on a pedestal
I might **** him in a heartbeat, no tag

Got no label for that, you see
Who wouldn’t believe such a loser like me?
When he ended things on purpose
He said, he got nothing to lose

My life is a bit candid
I never caught him red-handed
Those moments were unforgettable
True, but lies were unforgivable

He is indeed a wolf in sheep’s clothing
He put himself up in everything
With all the lies, betrayal, and tricks
Let me tie him up in a joystick
43 · Jul 8
Untitled
🐍 To the Favoritism Queen (Grandma)

Hi, Grandma. I know you can’t read this.
That’s fine—your silence always screamed the loudest.
You only missed me when I vanished,
But never enough to look twice when I was near.
Still, I held your hand. Still, I stayed.
You gave me scraps, I served you care.
You played favorites—I played nurse.
And though I bore the wound,
I never let the poison touch my tongue.


🎭 To the Storyteller (Manang)

Hi, Manang.
Thanks for the respect… in our absence, at least.
What a talent—to act kind when the audience is gone.
Keep performing. Applause is overrated anyway.
Your storylines are fiction dressed in guilt,
But don’t worry—
We know the truth behind the curtain call.


🐀 To the Emotional Parasite

Hi, *****. That’s you.
Rich—yes. Rich in overthinking.
Rich in words you never learned how to use right.
But money? Nah. You only invest in drama.
You unveiled yourself without warning.
Didn’t even let us hold the masks longer.
So thank you—for exposing the betrayal
We suspected all along.
God saw it all.
And me? I won’t forgive you.
But I’ll let time wear the crown for justice.


👀 To the Human CCTV (Cousin)

Hi, cousin.
I blocked you—digitally and emotionally.
You’ve always had sharp eyes and dull morals.
Broadcasting my life to your mom
Like a live episode on channel gossip.
I see now…
You wanted to look clean, so you painted us *****.
Newsflash:
Everyone’s already seen your reruns.
And you’re not the hero in them.


🙄 To the College Dropout ****

Hi, ****.
Yes, I said it—with the elegance of a truth bomb.
So when you sold grandma’s table,
Was that a bargain… or a betrayal?
Funny, you worked in Customer Service—
But lacked the grace to serve without insults.
No, I never hurt you.
You mistook my curiosity for interrogation
Because you’ve only known relationships made of daggers.
You cling to that aunt abroad like she’s an exit plan.
But be careful, darling—
She’s molding you into her mirror.
And mirrors crack too.
43 · Aug 2023
NIGHTMARES (8-30-21)
How will I ever let you go
If I still remember the things we did
How will I ever forget you
If I still remember the words you said

All the things you said are running through my head
Please leave me alone, get out of my head
All the memories we did, are all in my head
Please leave me alone, stop messing inside my head
"You’re fat. You got fat."

As if I didn’t already know.
You're just saying it—but I’ve already seen myself in the mirror.
Every. Single. Day.
I live in this body. I carry its weight. I carry its strength.
You only glance at me. I endure this body every hour of my life.

My arms? They’re not flabby—they’ve held my fears, my triumphs, my truth.
My thighs? They’re not too big—they’re powerful, grounded, unshakable.

My waist might be bigger than a donut—but I love it.
My cheeks might be fluffy—at least I feel like a donut.
My tummy might be bloated—but hey, at least I’ve got volume!

And these marks? These changes?
My body got ocean waves from the transformation—from thin to fat.
These stretch marks? These lines? They’re not flaws.
They are my waves. My tides.
Proof that I am still unique in my own way, even if I gained weight.

You think you’re revealing something I haven’t noticed?
Please.
I’ve been here, watching my body shift through heartbreak, survival, stress, and healing.
And still—I rise in it. I breathe in it. I wear it with resilience.

You want me to feel shame.
But I feel power. Because I’m still here.
You want me to shrink. But I am done making myself smaller to fit into someone else’s shallow standard.

I am not made for your comfort.
I am not here for your approval.
If my body offends you?

Look away.

Because I’ve got waves, I’ve got history, I’ve got presence—
And no comment of yours can ever wash that away.

You try to throw shame like it’s a gift, like I’m supposed to take it and thank you.
But honey, I’ve outgrown the need for your approval.
I’ve got enough power in my softness. Enough light in my curves.

Honey, you do you! What makes you comfortable. Flaunt it.
Be it thin or fat or fit or chubby—love yourself!
Because this world doesn’t get to dictate your worth based on your waistline.

So if my body makes you uncomfortable?

That sounds like a you problem.

I’m not shrinking for anyone.
Not anymore.
Honey, you do you! What makes you comfortable. Flaunt it. Be it thin or fat or fit or chubby. Love yourself!
41 · Aug 3
Untitled
You think you know me?

You only know the version of me I let you see.

To some, I’m kind—gentle even. Someone who listens, who understands, who holds space.
To others, I’m cold. Distant. Maybe even cruel. And maybe I am. Depends on what part of me you’ve earned—or what part I had to become to survive you.

Some say I’m talented. They see sparks, passion, something that moves.
But most? They don’t see anything.
To them, I’m just noise. Background. Disposable.

I can be the warmth in the room or the one who snuffs out the light.
I don’t always choose—sometimes I just shift.

To a few, I’m artistic. Strange, but intriguing. They say I’m original. Unfiltered. A little chaotic in a beautiful way.
To others, I’m just “trying too hard.” Pretentious. A performance waiting to fail.

Some call me creative. A mind that breathes in color and bleeds it into form.
But there are also eyes—watching me like predators.
Picking apart my work. Measuring me with crooked rulers.
Waiting for the day I collapse under the weight of it all.

There are people proud of me. Quietly so. They don’t always say it, but I feel it.
And then there are those who mock me.
Turn my struggles into punchlines.
Celebrate my silence.
Wait for me to trip—just so they can say, “I knew it.”

Some are rooting for my downfall.
Not because I wronged them—
but because my rise threatens something in them they refuse to confront.

Still… there are the rare few who wait with hope.
They’re not loud. They don’t demand my attention.
But they’re there—watching with patience, believing in the version of me even I haven’t met yet.
Waiting for me to grow into myself. To rise.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’m not here to prove myself to everyone.
I’m not a performance. I’m not your projection.
I’m not a failure for not being who you expected.
I am a storm. A contradiction. A work in progress.

So whether you cheer for me, mock me, love me, hate me,
Whether you’re waiting for me to fly or to fall—
At least you’re watching.

And I’ll keep becoming.
You wanted attention—
so I gave you a front-row seat to your own downfall.

You slithered into stories that were never yours,
clawed your way into rooms where your name was never whispered,
and poisoned wells you were never invited to drink from.

You thought if you smeared enough dirt on me,
you’d shine brighter.
But baby, even rats look clean in the dark—
until the lights hit.

You wrote me off like I was disposable.
But here's the plot twist:
It was never my name in the notebook.
It was yours.

I didn't have to lift a hand.
I didn’t need revenge.
The universe keeps receipts.
And you?
You're just another stain it decided to wipe clean.

Curiosity killed the cat, they say.
But you?
You died verminously—squirming in your own filth,
desperate for applause that never came.
Dead not by my hand,
but by your own hunger to be relevant.

So here it is. Your obituary.
Signed not in blood,
but in silence.
You lost the war you started.
You wrote the script for your own erasure.

Death note: verminously dead.
The end.
41 · Aug 2023
Never Knew (04-24-21)
I never knew when my pounding heart started racing
Every time I see you walk around the place,
I never knew when I first fell for you
But it was when, I first laid eyes on you;

It was as if I can hear angels singing
Every time I see your face.
Every time you walk in the room
My mind was imagining that someday you’re going to be my groom

I never knew when my mind started thinking of you
Or when did your name started to resound on my mind,
You were too hard to find
But now that I have you,

I wish you would look my way
And let me hear you say;
Don’t run away, don’t walk away
I hope you would want to stay,

Dear love, I don’t even know your name
But you’re still the one I want to aim,
Only your eyes and mouth, they smile
Oh, I love to see them just for a while;

My feelings were like lightning
It came too fast but we’re not rushing.
This feeling is not fleeting
I never feel like reeling,

Hit the vibe and come with me
I was too scared to talk to you,
But come here and sit beside me
I just want to let you know;

That I never want to let go
I just want to stay here with you.
I never want to see you go
I just had to let you know,

The way you move makes me fall
Fall harder and deeper into you,
The way I tried to never fall
But I caught myself falling for you.

But you weren’t even there to catch me
I was kept on falling,
And one day I’ll be crawling
Next time, I’ll be walking;

Another day passes by
Didn’t know what time is it,
Feels like time flies
Every time you look into my eyes;

I hope you feel it
Cause I don’t want to say goodbye.
Say your sweet goodbye
I hope it’s worth it.
A commenter once said,
"You were trained to fear God.
I was born to question Him.
Is a god worth serving if fear is the leash?"

And I paused.

For in their words was fire—
a defiance cloaked in thought,
a challenge hurled at the heavens
as if thunder owed them silence.

But listen.
Let me speak—not in wrath, but reverence.
For I was not trained like a whipped dog,
nor brainwashed by blind tradition.
I was not taught to fear like prey,
but to tremble before the Holy One in awe.

Because I know fear—
but not the kind the Devil feeds on.
Not the trembling that empowers
the Deceiver,
the Accuser of the Brethren,
the Dragon,
Lucifer, the son of the morning,
the Serpent of Old,
the Tempter,
the Enemy,
Beelzebub, lord of the flies,
Belial, the worthless one,
Abaddon, the destroyer,
Apollyon, his Greek name,
the god of this age,
the prince of the power of the air,
the ruler of this world,
the father of lies,
Satan, the adversary,
Leviathan, the twisting serpent,
the angel of the bottomless pit,
Mammon, the god of greed,
the Lawless One,
the Man of Sin,
the Son of Perdition.
So many names—because he is a master of masks.

He thrives on your fear,
feeds on confusion,
mimics the light,
perverts truth.
But I was not born of him.
I was not shaped by his chaos.

No. I was born to fear the Lord.
The I AM.
The Ancient of Days,
The Alpha and Omega,
The Righteous Judge,
The Lion and the Lamb.

And my fear?
It is not slavery.
It is surrender.

It is not the leash of a tyrant—
It is the reverence due to Majesty.
For even Christ, in Gethsemane,
trembled.
He wept.
He asked, "Let this cup pass from me..."
And yet—He drank it.
Not because He was leashed by fear—
but because He was led by love.

You ask me if God is worth serving
if fear is the price.
But I ask you:
Is the storm not worthy of awe?
Is the ocean not sacred because it can drown?
Is the sun less holy because it burns?

I fear God—yes.
Because He could break me,
but chooses to build me.
Because He could condemn me,
but chose the cross instead.
Because He sees the abyss in me—
and still reaches in.

So no—
I was not trained like a beast.
I was born to kneel.
I was born to worship.
I was born to fear—but not like you think.

You see fear as a chain.
I see it as a compass.
You see questioning as freedom.
But even questions can serve the wrong master.

Your words were poetic.
But poetry can be a dagger
or a prayer.

And I,
by the mercy of the One I fear,
choose the prayer.
41 · Aug 2023
Xoxo (6-2-22)
Regrets taste like yesterday
Change is what I am today
I can still sense you even when you’re away from me

I’m two steps behind you
No time to talk to you
Now you’re miles away from me
Meeting you was like yesterday

Reminiscing, imagining
Visualizing, glancing

You and me, against the world
You and me, on top of the world

But you let go of my hand
I don’t understand
Loving you was my best memory
Our love was my favorite story

Everything was a mystery
Now history has repeat itself
And I am all by myself

Now I’m all alone
Dancing with your ghost
Now I’m all alone
Now you’re not here when I needed you most

I cannot love someone else greater than you
I cannot find someone better than you
You are the best for me
Cause when you left me

A part of my heart has been with you
And it has left me broken
Broken, oh

I close my eyes, and heard your voice
Your voice is something compared to the noise
I hear everywhere
You are all that I ever want to love
40 · Aug 2023
Truth (01-02-22)
What we had was a rush
We started off as strangers
Then next up is being each other’s crush
And thrilled to see us being together

Too many times I let myself fall on the ground
But then, protected myself
From the people that surrounds me
I let myself down
And people started judging me

But you held my hand
My worth was nothing grand
Yet I never let you fixed me
Healed me

But you did fix and heal me
You repaired my broken heart
And caught me when I fell apart
And wanted to protect me
40 · Jul 8
scapegoat
One thing that reckons me was— a force that cannot be avoided.
Like a secret— a smoke as I described it
Cannot be kept on one's hand
For it reveals itself on its own.
Tricky, perhaps, any scientist or philosopher would dare question
Not even a dummy can spin a roulette
Not even a hero can toss a coin to the ferryman to cross the bridge when we got there
I know my rights, my rules as a woman
And one of the words you claim of me, is not counted.
Hence, the releasing of secrets began like one's fate is sealed and revealed at the same time
Life made me question my abilities
My identity made me question my worth
Who was I, right?
That even the scapegoat was crucified for us to be saved from our sins.
40 · Aug 6
🙄🙄🙄
They called me the “angry daughter.”
But I was also the daughter who had to wipe her own tears
and keep going like everything was just fine.
I was the daughter who never talked much about what I was going through,
because I didn’t want to bother anyone
or make people worry about me.

I stayed quiet.
Held all my feelings inside
just so no one could see how much I was really struggling.
I was the daughter who had to stay strong—
the one who had to figure everything out on her own
until I forgot how to ask for help.

I had to become my own support.
My own comfort.
Because I felt like no one else could really understand me.
And no one really cared enough to try.

I was the daughter they expected to be the strong one all the time,
so I played that part perfectly.
Even when all I wanted was for someone to hold me for a little while,
to tell me I didn’t always have to pretend.
That I didn’t always have to carry the weight of the world just to be loved.

I wonder how different it would’ve been
if someone had just told me
that I didn’t have to face it all alone.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so empty,
trying to figure out everything on my own.

They called me dramatic
when I finally broke down—
but they forgot that even the strongest bridges collapse
when they carry too much for too long.

They called me rebellious
when all I ever wanted was to be heard
without being dismissed.
To be seen without being judged.

And now...
I’m learning how to walk away.

That kind of walking away
that isn’t about running or revenge,
but about choosing peace
after years of swallowing chaos.
It’s the kind of walking away
where I finally say:

Enough is enough.

Enough for the times I felt neglected.
Enough for the moments I shrank myself
just to be acceptable.
You only saw me when I was useful.
When I served, when I smiled, when I stayed silent.

But when I failed—
I became your scapegoat.
You blamed me,
not for the action,
but for who you decided I was because of it.
You turned one mistake
into my entire identity.

You didn’t give me space to grow.
You gave me a cage.
And now, I’ve found the key.

I am walking away.
Not because I hate you,
but because I’ve finally learned to love myself
more than your approval.

This is not betrayal.
This is survival.
This is healing.
This is me
reclaiming my voice,
my peace,
and everything I was forced to bury
just to belong.

And maybe—just maybe—
if you ever wonder why I stayed away,
it’s because being close to you
meant losing myself.

Not anymore.
"Worrying is like worshipping the problem"

Every moment you dwell on it; you give it more authority over your mind and heart. You feed it with your attention until it feels bigger than it really is. But the truth is, problems shrink when placed beside God’s power.

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27). Shift your focus from the weight of the obstacle to the strength of the One who can move it, for “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). What you magnify is what will dominate your life — so magnify hope, not fear. And when anxiety rises, remember: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

Shift your focus from the weight of the obstacle to the strength of the One who can move it. What you magnify is what will dominate your life — so magnify hope, not fear.
39 · Jul 6
Untitled
why did I bother coming home
when my home was not considered
a house to live in anymore
It was like a ticket all the way to hell
Why don't you hold her hand and not mine
I was drowned at sea, I should have died instead.
Why am I still here?
Wrapped in cords of machines and popping pills
Just to keep me alive.
Based on an AI game I play
38 · Jul 31
Midnight ;)
You've searched me and You've known me
When I rise up
When I walk out
You read my thoughts

Running all around
Search out my paths
And my lying down
You're not surprised

By any of my ways
And my heart is counting on it
While I wait
Before there was a word

Dripping off my tongue
God, you already heard it
And then it is sung
You hem me in and run

Ahead of both my feet
Order all my steps
And dream up all my dreams
Faithful to the end

Father and my friend
My Heart lays before You

Midnight
You catch every tear I cry
Midnight
I can feel You by my side

Where can I go?
Where can I flee?
There's not one place
That You cannot see

Heaven or Hell
Dark caves and trees
Mountains and hills
Desert or Deep

Even in my lungs
The air that I'm breathing is Yours

Midnight
You catch every tear I cry
Midnight
I can feel You by my side

See I will (I soak my bed with tears)
Still close (still feel Your presence near)
Oh, my sorrow (oh, through heartache, pain and fears)
You carry me God (You carry all my years)

I soak my bed with tears
Still feel Your presence near
(Through every heartache) oh, through heartache, pain and fears

(God You carry me) You carry all my years, yeah
Where can I go?
Where can I flee?
There's not one place

That You cannot see
Heaven or Hell
Dark caves and trees
Mountains and hills

(Oh, Desert or Deep) Desert or Deep
Even in my lungs
The air that I'm breathing is Yours
Midnight

You catch every tear I cry
Midnight
I can feel You by my side
All my tears

God, You know what I am, I'm crying out
Now, I'll drop forth
Apart from Your emblem
Oh-ooh

You've searched me and You've known me
When I rise up
When I walk out
You read my thoughts

Running all around
Search out my paths
And my lying down
You're not surprised

By any of my ways
And my heart is counting on it
While I wait

Reflection:

Sometimes… midnight is more than just a time on the clock.

It’s a place.
A pause between yesterday and tomorrow.
A sacred space where the world goes quiet—but my mind doesn’t.
It’s where my thoughts get loud.
Where my fears come out of hiding.
Where the pain I shoved down all day suddenly sits at the edge of my bed… refusing to leave.

Midnight is where the fight begins.
Not with fists or noise, but with whispers and weight.
I wrestle with questions I don’t dare say in the light:
“Am I really seen?”
“God, are You still with me?”
“Why does it still hurt?”

And sometimes, I feel the enemy creeping in.
Not in horns and smoke, but in thoughts that sting—
“You're forgotten.”
“You're not enough.”
“God’s not listening.”

And yet… in the middle of that silent war, something shifts.

It’s not loud.
It’s not dramatic.
It’s the still, steady presence of a God who never left.

Because when I stop… when I pray… when I whisper His name through gritted teeth or tearful sighs—
He answers.
Not always with a solution.
But always with Himself.

His presence.

And suddenly, midnight isn’t just a battlefield.
It’s holy ground.
A place where sorrow and faith collide.
Where I may soak my bed with tears, but I still feel His nearness.
Where I don’t have to pretend to be strong, because He already knows every weakness—and chooses to stay anyway.

I realize now…
Midnight isn’t the end. It’s the turning point.
Because even in the darkness, God is light.
Even in the silence, God is near.
Even in my breaking, God is holding.

So I breathe.
I weep if I must.
But I will not fear.

Because I am not alone.
Not then.
Not now.
Not ever.
I don’t react. I don’t flinch. I don’t raise my voice or shift in discomfort. I stand still, like a calm lake, but beneath the surface… I notice everything. Every word spoken, every glance thrown, every subtle movement that others think goes unseen. I may not be saying anything, but I am not blind at all.

You think I am dumb just because I look innocent in your eyes. You think my silence is weakness. You think because I don’t respond, I don’t feel, I don’t remember. But I do. I feel everything. I remember everything. I catalog every slight, every deception, every truth hidden behind smiles. Every hidden motive, every whispered lie, every fleeting hesitation—I see it all. And while you scramble to be heard, to be seen, I am observing, learning, calculating—not with malice, but with clarity.

People underestimate the quiet ones. They underestimate those who don’t shout or demand attention. They assume that because I move gently, because I smile softly, because I nod when they speak, I am fragile, malleable, easily swayed. But I am not. I am an ocean beneath still waters, deep and endless, and my depths hold storms you cannot even imagine.

I watch. I listen. I remember. Every subtle glance, every hesitation, every syllable, every pause—they are not lost on me. I see the cracks in your armor, the fleeting insecurities you try to hide, the desperation behind your carefully crafted smiles. I see it, and I tuck it away, not out of cruelty, but because patience is a weapon far sharper than any words spoken in haste.

You confuse my calm for ignorance. You mistake my patience for passivity. But the truth is, I am not naive. I am not careless. I am not powerless. I am stronger than the noise around me, sharper than the chaos that others cling to. I am the observer. I am the keeper of truths you cannot imagine. I do not need to react because I already understand, already know, already see what others cannot.

And I know I am not alone in this. “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” (Proverbs 15:3) His eyes see what mine see. His justice watches what my patience records. And I trust that what is hidden now will be revealed in the fullness of time.

There is a power in stillness. There is a strength in quiet. I may not act, not yet, but make no mistake… I see. I understand. I feel. And one day, when the time comes, you’ll realize my silence was never ignorance—it was vigilance. My calm was never weakness—it was patience. My eyes were never blind—they were always open, always watching, always remembering.

And when that day comes, you will understand that what you thought was innocence was a mask. That what you thought was passivity was a choice, a strategy, a quiet storm gathering strength. You will realize too late that every detail you assumed I missed, every word you thought fell into empty space, every betrayal or deceit—you will see that I never forgot, never overlooked, never underestimated. I am here. I am aware. I am ready. And the world you think you know… will look very different from my eyes.

Because I notice everything. I may not speak. I may not move. I may not act. But I see. I feel. I remember. And I will.
37 · Aug 8
black crow
I hope my name left a bad taste in your mouth.
I already take up space inside your twisted mind.
I am that toxic—and the greenest of green flags—you ever met, right?
That **** you tolerated, but later on? You deserved every bit of it.

Keep it coming.
Keep aiming.
You missed your shot.

Now?
It’s my turn.

I won’t raise my voice.
I’ll raise the silence that follows your downfall.
You see, I don’t bark—I vanish. And when I reappear,
I come with receipts, rebirth, and a smirk you can’t erase.

You thought you had power when you twisted my name.
But you forgot—I built the room you're screaming in.
I let you sit at the table.
Now? I’m flipping it.

You ran your mouth, now run your fate.
You painted me as poison, but forgot I was the cure to your chaos.
You fumbled grace when it stood right in front of you.

You want to label me?
Make sure you can wear your own mask first.
Because this time, I’m not the one bleeding.
This time, I’m the one watching.

Watching karma trace every lie back to its source.
Watching your fake light flicker under real fire.

So, go ahead—
tell your version.
I’ll write the truth in thunder.

Off to the next page...

A troop of testosterone-fueled jarheads are always pathetic
But so are the swarm of estrogen-filled imbeciles
They are dressed up in fake virtue and venomous grace,
Both sides wear masks in this toxic parade.
You cheered when I bled — now watch me rise,
Your whispers can’t touch me; I feast on your lies.

Vipers — they sting.
Black one-eyed crows are on the watch.
Black-cloaked woman is on the run.
Pigtails are always up for mystery.
37 · 7d
Anger
My anger has always been a reflection of how hurt I was. Not a reflection of who I am, not a declaration of who I want to be—but a mirror to the wounds I carried when no one else would notice. People see me explode, see me yell, see me throw words like daggers, and they think I am the storm. They think I am overreacting. But I am not. I am expressing what has been building inside me for years, for decades, in silence.

Would you want me to bottle it all up? To lock every hurt, every betrayal, every cutting word, every time I was ignored or dismissed, inside a tiny glass container? To walk around smiling while my chest feels like it is cracking from the weight of all that unspoken pain? No. I will not pretend that silence is strength when it is slowly killing me from the inside.

Yes, sometimes my anger is sharp, loud, even frightening. But it is honest. It is real. It is proof that I feel, that I care, that I am human. It is a voice for the parts of me that were silenced, for the parts that were dismissed as too sensitive or too dramatic. And if you call that overreacting, then perhaps you are afraid to see the truth of my heart, afraid to witness the depth of my hurt.

I am tired of people mistaking my fire for cruelty. I am tired of having to apologize for expressing what has been ignored for too long. My anger is not a flaw—it is a survival mechanism. It is the echo of every wound I have endured in silence, every tear I swallowed, every moment I wished for someone to notice that I mattered.

So no—I will not suppress my emotions. I will not hide them in a bottle. I will not shrink myself to make others comfortable. If expressing my pain is loud, then let it be loud. If it is messy, let it be messy. Because the alternative—the quiet, the suppression, the pretending that nothing ever hurt me—is far worse.

And maybe one day, someone will look past the storm. They will see that the fire was never the enemy. The enemy was the pain that forced me to ignite. They will see that beneath every shout, every sharp word, every burning glance, there lies a heart that only ever wanted to be seen, to be heard, and to be understood.
36 · Jul 9
Untitled
you know what's fun?
roast people using poetry
no pun intended, no revenge included
just pure wordplay
I like how they boil their blood at me
you deserve it,
I could only care less.
I could do so much more
It was like my mind was an abyss of words that cannot stop overflowing like a waterfall
and my ideas keep on coming nonstop.
I love to roast the people I hate, especially my enemy,

And you cannot stop me

(Written in diabolical red ink)
35 · Jul 13
a random monologue
Forget I said that— what?
I knew how to tick a woman when I want to
Because I can be a suspect and a victim at the same time in the eyes of others
When a victim becomes a suspect— wow, now that is rich, right?

I am letting you see the complexities of my life
I do not know the full story and it is not my story to tell
But I forgot, I am a poet so I need to write one story

You want me to let you know what I am thinking of?— You might not like it when I let you in
Like cable management, mine was tangled
But I am like Nanno, a living karma

I dance for danger, talking to strangers
Calling the shots for a gun or a glass
I kiss skeletons hidden in the closet
But I do not kiss and tell
Rode a motorcycle in full speed.

Hunger and thirst do not end well— It is a recipe for disaster
But I make sure each person cannot see the broad of daylight even you.
34 · 1d
peace
A soft woman is simply a wolf in meditation. She moves quietly through the world, observing, listening, cataloging every detail, every slight, every whisper that crosses her path.

Her calm is not submission. Her silence is not ignorance. It is a strategy, a shield, a way to gather strength when the world expects her to bend.

The most dangerous woman is not the one who screams, who lashes out, who exposes herself in anger. She is the one who sits in silence, unbothered, holding receipts in one hand and a whiskey in the other, pairing reflection with quiet celebration.

She does not need to justify herself. She does not need to explain her choices. She does not need to argue. Her life is her evidence, her actions her proof.

I do not hold grudges. I hold accountability. I remember every misstep, every betrayal, every careless word, not to hurt others, but to learn how I will respond next time.

I am a masterpiece, still in progress. I am learning the art of peace, the discipline of patience, the power of silence, and the way to sharpen my edges without losing my softness.

Softness does not equal weakness. Calm does not equal cowardice. Reflection does not equal inaction. I am learning to balance all of these, to wield them like instruments of precision.

Every slight, every manipulation, every attempt to undermine me becomes a lesson. It becomes a map of what I will never allow to take root in my life again.

I am aware of my power, my worth, my intuition. I trust my judgment. I trust my timing. I trust the quiet strength that builds within me each day.

I do not need approval. I do not need admiration. I do not need applause. My validation comes from my awareness, my growth, my ability to remain unshaken while others falter.

I measure my responses with care. I choose when to speak, when to act, and when to remain silent. I understand that timing is everything, and silence often carries more weight than words.

I am the calm before the storm. I am the shadow that goes unnoticed until it is too late. I am the quiet force that can dismantle arrogance without lifting a hand.

I observe. I analyze. I move deliberately. I understand human nature and the ways people reveal themselves when they think no one is watching.

I celebrate myself. I do not need others to recognize my victories. I acknowledge them. I honor them. I let them strengthen me for the battles yet to come.

I forgive, yes. But I do not forget. I forgive to free myself, to release the weight that would otherwise hold me down. I remember to protect, to navigate, to survive.

I create boundaries. I enforce them gently but firmly. I do not allow chaos, manipulation, or cruelty to dictate my life. I do not yield to those who thrive on tearing others down.

I am precise. I am deliberate. I am aware. My actions are calculated, not careless. My silence is intentional, not empty.

I am resilient. I rise. I endure. I thrive in ways that cannot be measured by the judgments of others, by the opinions of those who fail to understand the depth of my mind.

And above all, I am free. Free to learn, to love, to celebrate, to be quiet, to be dangerous, to be soft, to be unshakable. I am free to master peace in a world that confuses noise for power.

I am a soft woman, a wolf in meditation, a quiet storm. I am deliberate, dangerous, aware, and alive. And no one—not even the chaos of the world—can touch the power that grows within me in silence.
33 · 7d
Tin can
“A tin can, when empty, babbles the loudest.”

Have you ever met someone with a tin can mouth?
Oh, I have.
And it’s exhausting.

They rattle in every room they enter,
throwing words around like coins in a jar—
hoping the noise will convince you it’s worth something.
But it’s not.
It’s just hollow metal screaming for attention.

The emptier the vessel,
the louder the sound.
It’s physics.
And it’s also human nature—
the loudest people are often the ones
with the least to say.

They mistake volume for wisdom,
mistake talking over people for having authority,
mistake constant noise for proving a point.
But the only point they prove is this:
they’re desperate for someone—anyone—
to confuse their clatter for clarity.

Proverbs 15:2 hits hard here:
“The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge,
but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.”
And gush it does—
endlessly, thoughtlessly,
like a faucet with a broken handle.

The thing is…
you can spot a tin can mouth quickly.
Their sentences sound rehearsed,
like they’ve been reciting them to a mirror for years.
They speak with the confidence of someone
who’s never been challenged
and the fragility of someone
who couldn’t survive it if they were.

Proverbs 17:28 gives them the cure they’ll never take:
“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise;
when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”
But silence?
That’s something they fear.
Because silence exposes emptiness.
Silence would make people notice
there’s nothing beneath the shine of their noise.

So they keep talking.
And talking.
And talking.
They’ll interrupt you mid-thought,
argue points they don’t even understand,
twist your words until they’re unrecognizable.
They build arguments not to seek truth,
but to win—
and winning, to them,
isn’t about being right—
it’s about being the last one still making noise.

And when they finally walk away,
you’re left with that echo in your head—
the metallic, grating sound
of emptiness pretending to be full.

But here’s the savage truth:
When the clatter stops,
when their echo fades,
you realize that all along,
you weren’t talking to a person with depth.
You were talking to an empty can—
and kicking it was just giving it more noise.

So let them babble.
Let them be the loudest in the room.
Because at the end of the day,
the weight of wisdom will always outlast
the noise of the hollow.

And me?
I don’t argue with tin cans anymore.
I just stop kicking them.
33 · 2h
Not good enough
I felt disappointed. Not a fleeting, passing disappointment… but the kind that sinks into your bones, that gnaws at your chest, that whispers in every quiet moment that you have failed.

And the worst part? The unbearable part? It’s knowing that whatever I do… whatever I give… whatever I fight, bleed, and sacrifice… it will never be enough for you.

I have tried. Oh, how I have tried. Every day, every moment, I offered pieces of myself that I barely recognized, hoping they would finally be seen, finally be enough.

But they are not. They never are. And slowly, painfully, I began to see it clearly: you do not see me at all. You only see the gap between who I am and what you demand.

I have bent, I have broken, I have reshaped myself in ways I thought were impossible. I have hidden my pain, swallowed my tears, carried burdens you could not even name.

And yet… still, I fall short. Still, the silence, the coldness, the judgment hangs over me like a storm I can never outrun.

Do you even know the weight I carry? The effort, the sacrifice, the love I poured into a vessel that rejects me anyway? Or is it invisible to you, like I am invisible to you?

I lie awake at night, replaying my every word, my every gesture, the endless attempts to satisfy a standard that moves like shifting shadows, always out of reach.

I am exhausted. Not just physically, but in every fiber of my being. I am exhausted from hoping. From trying. From believing that someday… maybe someday… I would be enough.

And the cruelest truth sinks in: I will never be enough for you. Not in this world, not in your eyes, not in your heart.

I gave everything—my heart, my soul, my very self. But everything is still too little. And I begin to wonder if it was ever about me, or if it was always about your expectations, your rules, your impossibilities.

I am tired of striving for a perfection that will never exist, of reaching for approval that will never come, of loving someone who measures me by what I lack rather than what I am.

And yet, in the ruins of this realization, a strange clarity emerges. Perhaps it is not a defeat. Perhaps it is the beginning of freedom.

If I am never enough for you… then I no longer need to chase your approval. I no longer need to bend, to hide, to shrink myself to fit the space you deem acceptable.

I can be everything for me. I can give myself the care, the respect, the love that I have been starving for all this time.

And in that, I find a flicker of power. A spark of defiance. A quiet, burning certainty that my worth does not depend on your validation.

I am enough. Perhaps not for you. Perhaps not for anyone who cannot see beyond their ego and their demands. But enough for me. And that must be enough.

So I stand, exhausted but unbroken, shattered but alive, rejected yet fiercely, irrevocably whole.

And one day, I hope, someone will see me—not the gaps, not the flaws, not the shadows—but the whole, blazing, complicated being I am, and they will know the truth: I was always enough.
Losing faith in God… that was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever felt. Not because He left me—but because I left Him. I turned my back on the very hand that had always held me.

Depression clouded my mind. It wrapped around me like a heavy fog, drowning the light I once felt in my chest. I misled myself, strayed from the trail God had carefully laid out for me, a path meant to guide me home. I could not see it then, but I feel it now—the love that was patient, even when I was not.

I turned to escape. ****. Alcohol. Distractions that whispered promises of relief but delivered only emptiness. I ran from reality, from pain, from truth, from myself. I was a coward. Too afraid to confront the darkness within me. Too scared to face the brokenness I had been avoiding for so long.

I started to doubt His abilities. I questioned Him. If You are God, why am I still in pain? Why am I still suffering? I was fifteen then. I didn’t know what I was saying or doing. I became rebellious, lost in confusion, disconnected from the things I once loved. Poetry, my refuge, my therapy, became my only voice, my only way to breathe.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” And yet, I ignored it. I thought I could save myself. I thought I could numb the ache. I thought I could find solace in anything but Him. But every escape left a hollow echo, a reminder that I had strayed.

And then… slowly, mercifully, God found me again. I knelt. I cried. I poured my heart out, asking for forgiveness for all the ways I had turned away. I realized that He is merciful. He is loving. He saves, not because we deserve it, but because His grace is boundless. He was crucified for us, to give us life, to give us hope, to give us salvation.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Even in my blindness, even in my rebellion, even in my pain… His love never left. It was relentless, reckless in its mercy, fearless in its pursuit. I am learning to walk again. To face my fears. To embrace my brokenness. To trust Him, fully and unreservedly.

And now, I hold onto Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Even in my darkest moments, even when I thought I was too far gone, He had a plan. He saved me, He forgave me, and He continues to guide me home.

Lust consumed me. Like ink from a tattoo etched deep into my skin, it stained me, marked me, made me feel trapped in my own darkness. I was addicted—not just to the fleeting pleasure, but to the escape, to the illusion that I could numb the pain and silence the shame.

But by His blood, my sins were washed away. Redeemed. Cleaned. I was given a chance to rise from the ashes of my rebellion, my brokenness, my lost years.

1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” And so I confessed. I cried. I kneeled. I let Him into every corner of my heart I had tried to hide. And His mercy did not fail me.

Like the prodigal son, I returned. “He was lost and is found.”

I was lost. I was broken. I was stained. But when I came back to Him, when I truly surrendered, I was found. Forgiven. Redeemed. Loved beyond measure.

And now, I walk in His light. Every step, a reminder that no darkness is too deep, no shame too heavy, no sin too great to be covered by His blood
31 · 6d
You learn
You will drown before you learn to swim.
Not once, not twice—but again and again,
the weight of the water pressing down,
pulling at your lungs, your limbs,
teaching you the rhythm of survival.

You will fall before you learn to rise.
You will taste the bitter sting of failure,
the cold slap of disappointment,
and yet, your spirit will not break.
Every bruise, every scar,
is a lesson carved into your being.

You will go hungry before you learn to cook.
You will face the emptiness,
the ache of patience,
and only then will you understand the craft of creation—
how to nourish, how to transform,
how to take raw things and turn them into sustenance.

How will you ever learn if you never try?
How will you ever fight again if, when defeated, you surrender?
The world does not wait for the faint of heart,
and victory never comes to those who quit.
You must rise, stumble, fall, and rise again,
for every defeat is the seed of your strength.

Life will push you, unrelenting,
until you discover the courage you never knew you had.
You will stumble in darkness,
feel lost, feel small, feel fragile,
and yet, somehow, you will rise.
You will rise because falling is not the end.

The ocean teaches patience,
the ground teaches resilience,
hunger teaches skill,
and defeat teaches courage.
So let yourself be drowned, let yourself fall,
let yourself go hungry,
let yourself lose,
let the lessons wash over you,
for it is only through struggle
that you learn the art of standing tall,
the courage to swim,
the wisdom to feed yourself and others,
and the strength to fight again.
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