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I've finally
realized
that healing
is a lot like
learning to pretend.
Schedules
are busy,
not people.
The days will come and the years will go.
Yes, time does fly, but it does not grow.
It seems to die, to wither away.
What once was a week is now just a day.
A month goes by and feels like an hour;
even the years have lost their power.
Yet I no longer sit and wonder how,
for, as you know, I'm used to it now.

A drink takes ahold, a lonely Tuesday.
Let slip a few more on "let's forget Wednesday."
Ah! My fridge is low as my self-esteem
dips even lower: no medicine.
The tolerance seems to build up quick.
Friday - twice as much to cure the sick.
It's not just beer to the numbing-seeker;
it's, like the week, just gotten weaker.

Your eyes once lit up like golden sunsets
on those first dates when we first met.
But, to me, your eyes now are nothing.
Do we need to shed clothes just to feel something?
I remember, before our love inflated,
a kiss was a fortune, not over-rated.
Yet now, it takes so much more to feel
a feeling once achieved so quick, surreal.
What does it mean, this feral pounding?
This feeling of imploding?
Am I dying?
Am I living?
Is this just the beginning?

A sense of falling, falling off
my eyes have now caved in
Falling up
Where is time?
No, it can wait for us.

Nature speaks, a gentle whisper.
She knows what I am doing.
Can they tell?
Do they know?
Paranoia grasps me further

Another cap? Another stem?
Do I reason just like them?
Questions here,
answers there:
ignore my existential whim

Jumping round, up and down
feel the hole inside my chest
May it come?
May it go?
Could I focus just a sec?

Now laughing hard, as I did
when my feet my feet were half this size,
(what's my age?
what's my height?)
Was my grandma really right?

Think of friends, think of past.
It all really goes too quick.
Floating. Soaring.
This is NOW!
Can I pretend I'm fine again?

Coming down, but melting still...
Why does that tree look mad at me?
The contraction
of refraction,
so just giggle, look, and Be.
a coward dries quickly, no hope for the end,
a whisper away and miles ahead

be strong for yourself, you have no other,
an island: a home, and an oar: a mother

you talk to yourself in crowds of shadows,
and wish you weren't there to fight your battles

a freedom to call, an innate commodity;
the rest, just a question, not wanting to see

welcome to a different part of the same old game,
this is the promise: true responsibility

~~~~~~~~~~

I awake at night alone, afraid,
hoping the sunrise rids memories away

regret not the past, fear not the fate,
the now is but fleeting, the present: a fake

forget me after my body is gone
burn the pictures
don't waste the tear
I've done all I did
now look in the mirror
I once saw my mother holding her marriage in her hands. It was delicate, with much reverence. She knew that she must be careful not to breathe to heavily for fear of breaking it or scaring it away, but at the same time, refused to leave it so bad that she could scream. Praying to her own messiah, she bribed with soul-less joints, offering her conscience to anything.

My father now waits; waits for something he always knew would never come. He's not sure he believes in anything. And he's not sure he believes in nothing... except himself, and a forgotten, out-of-style sense of principle. He lies awake at night, dreaming of what never happened, continually patient for that one moment when what he's been so anxiously waiting for doesn't come. And in that moment, he will say that he never meant it.

Sometimes breathing only makes it worse.
For those who wait, deathbeds never arrive.
My fingers have found each other and I...
just them.

Raised by wolves, I wander
about the land, seeking bones and
solutions.

Never trying, never failing.
I once was a soft egg.
I once feared my self.
The time to please has now come again.
Don now your laurel tag,
your home inside the shelf.

I once grew ears of joy.
I once cried to smiles.
Now when the monsters come again,
it won't be to a boy
but a stone rolled miles and miles.

I once took happy pictures.
I once remembered you.
The chance has to ash now gone,
a past held by fixtures
from dusk to this high noon.

I once felt strong,
a memory to cherish.
I once held together
with astounding marriage.
I once gave you faces
for you alone, my dear.
I once grew naivete,
a crop declined this year.
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