I finally saw you again after 34 days
and
in between those 34 days
I strongly believed I was over you
but then I saw you
                 I remembered
how all your imperfect flaws made me fall for you                        
                 I remembered
how you made my stomach fill with
little
      colorful
           meaningful
                    butterflies
                  I remembered
how your words made my heart melt like wax
and then
                  I remembered
that I'm not actually over you

j.f

I hate dreams.
I hate them for what they make me see,
Worse still is that even as you know their not real,
You believe and it seems,
If only for a second, that what could be or should be,
Or what simply isn't,
Is.

I hate seeing her face,
So sad under those shades;
Take me home,
She seems to say,
But nobody really talks in dreams.
But nobody really talks.

I died in a dream once.
And I kept on sleeping.
What does it mean, what does it mean?
To me death is one long dreamless sleep,
But I fear the opposite, that it is one sleepless dream.

I see his face now and then.
The face in real life I barely remember.
Under the water.
Calling up.
Save me.
But dreams can't change your world.
Tragically they can only make you believe.

My moms there waiting for me.
Though her alone I am too scared to see.
Even my subconcious knows not to tease me,
Knows the scars and the pain,
And how it would bleed me and end me
And I curse them from keeping me,
I hate dreams.

i am a little in love
mind you...
only a LITTLE
with a deaf boy...

he says things with his eyes
you wouldn't believe
and touches me
like you would never understand
i don't even
understand
he is so sweet

i have never liked boys
who don't hear me out
who don't listen to me
it is
mind-boggling

words are
overrated

if only you knew
how long i've wished that i would forget you too

if only you understood
that i did everything that i could.

if only you could remember
that you promised me forever.

if only you would care
that deceiving me, was more than just unfair.

im living in memories that will not fade
but in this bottomless pit, my bed i have made.

i don't understand what i have done wrong
im doing my best to keep it together, but i'm not that strong.

i had a love for one, so dear, throughout the seasons
faithful and unfailing that need not a reason

for an endless love, i promised to wait
but you and i weren't destined to be fate.

there is so much on my chest that i want to say,
but i don't know how to say it to you
so how about i start by telling you how much
i hate you
how much i hope you crumble
how i long to see you cry
hurt
want to scream, but not find the
voice
to say what is aching you
eating you from the inside
ripping at your heart as
you gasp for air
how i long for you to feel the
suffocation
as you try and beg to breathe
with my hands tightly clenched around your neck
i want you to look
up at the sky
and find no solution
no resolution
no escape
but to face your mistakes
and accept your fate.
hope you look in the mirror
and feel the need to destroy
the animal that looks back at you.
heartless
you took my hope for tomorrow
my last breath
the essence of my being.
cold
and abandoned
you left me
naked and wounded
scarred
with haunting memories of
what i gave away.
i hope when you lay to sleep
you sweat
you wake up
screaming
wanting to run from
what you have done
regret
making the decision that you did
crying
for another chance
to take back
and fix what you have broken
finding
that there is no turning back time
for stealing what once was mine.

It's an addiction
It can't be understood
In its exterior it is simplistic
In its interior it is complex

It is something that can't be understood
By those outside it
Because they don't know the highs
Or where it does take you
All those outside it can only see
Just how it will break you

But they can't see
They can't see how good it feels
The stages are easy to know
When you can follow me

Stage 1: The first date
Always the best part
The nerves
The preparation
The mystery
The first time that I touch her hand
A rush
I feel high again

Stage 2: The first kiss
Always a favorite
Because I mastered it
I take her to the perfect place
She loves it
An overlook
A stream
Nature surrounding
The kiss happens
It's perfect to her
She loves it
As do I
I feel that rush again

Stage 3: The convincing
The dating
The kissing
The sensations
All are easy to see why it's sensational
The feeling of her skin against mine
The listening to her perfect breath move her chest
In and out
In and out
I tell her I love her
She isn't sure at first
But I try harder
As we continue
And I succeed
I feel the euphoria coming in

Step 4: The love
That comfort
That security
That feeling of serenity
It cloaks me
Wraps me around
Its sky blue blanket
And lays me in
A green field
She's there too
Next to me
Feeling the same earth
Beneath us
I turn to her
Eyes whatever color
It nonetheless dazzles me
It fills me with something dangerous
Hope
That rush is gliding me through

Stage 5: The loss
Parents get in the way
She loses that feeling
I'm a *******
But either way
That feeling
That was once with her
Is gone
She walks the thin line
Performing a balancing act
Trying to find reason to be together but can't
She calls me up on the phone
Tells me how everything is wrong
I don't see it
I can't see it
Our love was perfect!
We both made it!
And now you're killing it!
We meet up
I beg but she's stands her ground
She walks up
Leaves
I'm alone
Left to sob
Yell
Get angry
That adrenaline rush from the high rises

Stage 6: The hate
The pacing
The change of thoughts
I still love her one day
I despise her the next
I feel anxiety kick in
Try my best to hold it
But can't
I call her up
Yell at her
Scream at her
Tell her that
She threw something great away
She hangs up
Blocks me
Never speaks to me again
I still keep pacing
Feeling more often guilty
Than angry
ineverwantedtohurtyoualliwantedtodowassaveyoufromanyoneelse­iknowthatisaidiwantedyoutosufferbutthatsnnottrueatalliddoanything­
Sometimes I still feel that hope
But it's fading
Fades fast
It's all over

My high is going down
I need to go back
And cook some more

She moves on quickly
I got her addicted too
She feels that addiction too
It draws us both in
And we can't imagine
What it would be like to leave
It is the cycle
That helps make us
And the cycle
That can break us