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nabi 나비 Oct 2016
No one noticed when the girls skinny jeans got baggy
No one noticed when she started shiveing when it was 80 degrees
No one noticed when the girl who was usually very loud became very quiet
No one noticed when her typical t-shirt turned into sweaters everyday
No one noticed her
Because no one notices the outcast
Especially when she's anorexic and depressed
Until she speaks out
Then they noticed her favorite jeans are 3 sizes too big
Then they noticed the goosebups covering her arms and legs
Then they notice how her head is always stuck in a book
Then they noticed the scratches covering her left arm
Because they wouldn't even know something was wrong
Unless she told them
Because nobody notices the girl with the tears on her textbook
Nobody notices the girl that's sad
nabi 나비 Oct 2016
I am here to tell you I have been lying to your face
I know this may come as a shock to some people
But I have been
I show you the side of me
That is happy & giggly & goofy
But I never show you the other side of me
The side of me that gets depressed and cries alone in her room
I never show you this side of me because I love making others happy
Even when I'm not
And most days I'm not
Some days I just push the devilish voices to the back
Some days I just don't want to be here
Some days I plaster on a smile to by
Some days music and poetry are what keep me going
But I don't continue on for that
I do because the days I am happy are amazing
I do because I have amazing friends and family
I do because there is more than sadness
I'm sorry I've been lying
I was just tired of painting on lies
This is sorta how I tell people that theres more to me that what they are seeing.  I seem happy, but inside I'm drowning in tears
nabi 나비 Oct 2016
You asked me the question
"What's worse, the days or nights?"
And I sort of made up a response
But It's hard to explain it, without any thought
So I've thought on it
And I've realized an answer for it
There is no easy answer
Like the days are worse or the nights are worse
Because it's not like that
Some days are worse than some nights
Some nights are worse than some days
The only difference between them is what they feel like
During the day, it's an exhausting throb
It's an insomniac wanting to sleep, but not being allowed
It's a throbbing sadness, constantly there and pressing on my emotions
During the night, it's an empty lonliness
It's an empty emotion where you feeling everything and nothing
It's lonely because there is no one there
Nothing except the sadness
So the answer to your question,
Is it depends on what it feels like
I opened up to my mom the other night about the depression and the anxiety, and this is sort of one of my responses to the hour long conversation
nabi 나비 Oct 2016
When you see my scars
You think that if you say 'i'm sorry'
And help me
And that when I get better
They will disappear
But these scars won't disappear
And I don't want them to
Because they are my sign
That I have lived
That I am a warrior who has been in many battles
That I am a survivor from the devil's hands
They are my reminder
That I can go through hell and come back alive
So these scars may fade
But they will never disappear
And nor will I
  Oct 2016 nabi 나비
Rumi
A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?



The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.



I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.



I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.



I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.



If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.
  Oct 2016 nabi 나비
Sylvia Plath
I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a **** lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
  Oct 2016 nabi 나비
Sylvia Plath
Better that every fiber crack
and fury make head,
blood drenching vivid
couch, carpet, floor
and the snake-figured almanac
vouching you are
a million green counties from here,

than to sit mute, twitching so
under prickling stars,
with stare, with curse
blackening the time
goodbyes were said, trains let go,
and I, great magnanimous fool, thus wrenched from
my one kingdom.
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