Maybe its a midnight drive
Reminding you of an escape route
Listening to the wind
Wind through your hair
Wind through your lungs
Airing out between your ribcage
The worries weighing down your spine
Falling like wind chimes making music to dance to
Or maybe its just you.
Breathing life into me
Driving that car to the edge of nowhere and still driving
Dragging wind chimes behind us as we go
A galaxy of sounds
Melting the demons away.

Almost everything in the fairytales turned out to be true:
Horrible witches, nasty curses, dark demons, and guarded fortresses.
But princesses?
I thought they were figments of our imaginations.
And yet little girls read storybooks religiously, dreaming of winning over the Prince Charming.
Well ladies, you can keep your pristine and spotless princes.
I know where love and honour truly lies.

It is in the dragon's keep,
Where she is locked away and hidden.
The walls of her own heart blocking everyone out,
Burning everyone down who dared face her inner dragon.

But there is determination running through his veins,
Bravery in every bead of sweat,
A fighter's honour gleaming in his eyes.
Breaking down the barriers to find a damsel in distress, he did the strongest thing:
Held the wretch in his arms.
A soldier with the ability to find perfection in the weakest of souls.

My knight in ***** turnout gear,
The firefighter who discovered a princess.
My love who proved the reality of fairytales,
And found our happily ever after.

Everyone tells you it happens at 3am
When the walls close in
And you hug your pillow too hard
Hoping it will keep you from falling apart
Without him there to hold you together
When really it happens at 8:30
On a Tuesday morning
Light pouring through the kitchen windows
You brush your hip on the counter
And it feels like his fingers
You drop your cup of tea
And forget what to do with your own hands.

The community St. Florian, protector
From fires, lit
One inside
Me.

You say that your body
Is like a cracked ***.
I know that on bad days,
These are the gaps
Where the darkness leaks in.
But come with me darling,
We can fill you up with soil once more.
Plant deep and unshakable roots
That bloom bright yellow daffodils
Who can withstand even the cloudiest days,
Reminding you to keep growing
(Keep going darling)
Up towards the sunlight.

While it thought it was dying,
The caterpillar grew wings.

The sadness has lifted up
No longer dragging me down
By my cracking collarbones
But as it lifts lifts lifts
I feel those broken pieces lifting too
*Am I still me without them?

Tough skin
But soft heart
Strong bones
But fragile parts
Who could expect anything less?

Kind smile
Selfless acts
Would run for miles
To have my back
You will forever deserve the best

I will be your shoulder
When all you need is to cry
And I’ll be your resource
When your love runs dry
Because all my giving is worth it
To see that laughter in your eyes

You are the macaroni to my cheese
And the peanut butter to my jam
Rip me open if you please
Nothing will lose you my hand

I would walk 500 miles
Just to fall down at your door
And hack away their devilish smiles
Just to see your face once more

There’s nothing that could keep me away from you
I would fight them tooth and claw
Because there is nothing I would rather do
Than love you for all that you are.

All I want
Is for you to squeeze my hand like you did before,
Set these butterflies free,
And remind me that everything is okay.

I want to believe that you have enough love
For the both of us,
Even when I can't seem to love myself.

I will look up to the stars and see them shining,
Twinkling just for us.

The curl of my toes in my shoes.
The crinkle in my nose within the mass of freckles.
The rush of blood to my blushing face.
My heart beating like a hummingbird.
Aching scars on my wrists like monkey bars.
All these walls built up around my soul,
I'm not tall enough to reach over.
I'm not loud enough to get through.

But he heard.
He had a ladder and a PA system.
He had a bandage for my scars.
Kind words for my heartbeat, slowing it down to live in the moment.

That's all you really need, just a moment in time.
A moment to connect.
A moment to care.
A moment to love,
A moment to notice.

It's the little things that matter,
What build up in fragments until you get a whole, mismatched person.
He is six feet tall and made up of compassion.
A firefighter who is afraid of burning.
A healer who doesn't like needles.
A train enthusiast and a man of survival.

I whispered his name into sunflowers, his eyes are full of galaxies.
I would get lost in them forever if I could.
Travel among the stars with the boy who heard.

The boy who stayed.

The ocean swell
Makes the entirety of my being swell.

They're in the quiet whispers,
The fingertip brushes,
Edge of your smile,
Bags under my eyes,
Photos we keep,
Sponge on your back,
The exhaust of your car
that drove away this morning:
Fragments of my heart
That are yours now.
*I wouldn't mind if you kept them forever.

I need an explanation,
For the sad morning toast
For the warmth in the sunshine
The mid afternoon tears
And the 3am cups of tea.
When's the last time
I actually decided something?
Why can't I choose?
Sometimes I just
Want to be certain about myself.

By the way,
I'm wearing the smile you gave me
(:

When I close my eyes, your blue ones stare back at me.

When I dare to breathe, I can still feel the weight of your chest crushing mine.

When I shiver in the middle of the night, I remember the rush of your skin.

When something makes my heart beat fast, I'm brought back to the times you got my heart to break out of my ribcage.

Please get out of my dreams.

I can't stand the comforting smell of your cheek.

Science says that every seven years, each cell in your body is completely new.

Nowadays I'm afraid that I will never be able to claw every last trace of you out of my veins.

I ******* miss you.
With every fiber of my body I miss you.
Lips on lips
Skin on skin
Heart holding heart
I want to go home.
I want to be where you are.
I ******* miss you darling.
How has it only been two weeks?

Perhaps you are the reason
They call them love handles.

Do you realize how much energy
Hating someone takes up?

My prince held his
Breath and the
Door for
Me.

My one hand is enough
To fight against the world
If you are holding the other one.

Don't let go.

Picture of a wedding
Shared at the beginning of our journey
Snow falling
A man in dress blues
Plays in my head a thousand times over
A picture now a dream
I ponder it uncertainly
So much beauty captured in one moment.
"Hopefully you'll be in it with me."
Darling, if I could only find a word stronger than hope.

You make knots in my throat
So big I can't breathe.

I can hate blue eyes
That catch my green ones on the street.
I can hate love songs
That make me turn off the radio.
I can hate seeing fire fighter symbols
That remind me of you.
I can hate that I still wear the bracelet
The one that you made me.
I can hate your shirts
That fill my closet with your scent.
I can hate crying
The kind that knocks me over.
I can hate that bench
Because we used to kiss on it.
I can hate cuddling
Because no one else's arms feel right.
I can hate blankets
That give me a false sense of security.
I can hate sleeping
When it only brings more bad dreams.
(What's the point in sleeping
When my waking hours are nightmares too?)
I can hate knives
And the fact that there are so **** many in this too small house.
I can hate breathing
Because I know it's something we both do.
I can hate myself
For not being enough for you.
The only thing I can't seem to hate
Is you.
I wish I could hate you.
I feel like it would hurt so much less
Than loving someone
Who is no longer here.

Distance
For the love of God please be kinder to me.
I imagine the sun kisses your shoulders
The way I could never stop.
I'm aching.
I whisper my name into forget-me-nots
Hoping you remember it better than them.
I think I'm still breathing.
I will hug my pillow tonight
I wrapped it in an old shirt of yours.
Boy, what I would give to be back in that place.
My legs wrapped around your waist
Like a starfish
Brushing your freckles with my nose
Connecting constellations between your shoulder blades
That I will find for us in my sky tonight.
Sweet dreams my darling,
I'll be seeing you soon
Always on the right side of your bed.

Everyone's hug
Leaves a different shaped imprint on my soul.

In between school semesters.
In between trainings.
In between jobs.
In between deployments.
In between miles.
In between phone calls.
In between letters.
In between waves.
In between breaths.
In between dreams.
Why are we always so far apart?
Baby I'll meet you in the in-betweens,
But I'll love you during it all.

Forget the air,
I'd rather breathe you instead.
Fill up my lungs with you,
All of the wonderful that is you,
*And forget to exhale.

Look at how amazing he is.
He really takes my breath away.
He is going to do great things, look at what he is already doing for the community.
Why is he with me?
You have nothing to offer him.
Nothing important.
He shines so brightly.
He's a hero.
How could you compete?
You aren't even on the same level as him.
He deserves someone better, someone as wonderful as he is.
You are so needy.
Look at yourself.
Melting and blushing and searching for praise.
This is why everyone else left.
You love too easily and too much.
You are worthless and ugly and slobbish and selfish.
Oh look, now you're crying too.
This happens every time Tessa, you always fall in this same hole.
Did you ever completely climb out?
Hang on a second.
Stop it.
You're overreacting.
How did things come to this?
He held you in his arms last night.
Voluntarily.
That has to mean something.
Calm down.
Stop it.
You are stronger than this.
He chose you, remember?
Stop talking to yourself.
Entertaining the voices in your head is how you mess things up.
Every time life becomes kind to you, you search for the faults.
Why should this be so impossible?
Why aren't you allowed to be happy for once?
You can do this.
You deserve this.
These are the thoughts he vowed to help you stop.
It's time to trust a little, and let him.
Open up.
You're shutting love out again.
You know if he were here, he would hug you sobbing
And tell you to
*please, just put down the knife.

Every second a moment waits
For someone to notice.
Every minute a clock waits
For it's hands to meet again.
Every hour the horizon waits
For the sun to get closer.
Every night the tides wait
For the pull of the moon.
Every month that moon waits
For the feeling of fullness.
I don't feel complete on my own.
Every star waits for darkness.
Every worm waits for wings.
Every dusk waits for dawn.
And every shoreline waits for waves.
I have always wanted to feel
Like a part of this Earth,
So I will wait too.
For you.

Our hearts are fragile gifts;
They can't be open
Without being broken.

You've been gone so long
I can sleep at night
I can hear our songs
*Maybe I can actually move on.

Beautiful boy,
Please let me kiss you between your ears.

Listen to me.
Don't just stare at the empty space above my head, don't let your mind wander, and don't you dare be talking to that voice inside your head. Listen to me. Listen to what I am saying, not that voice. Those are the people that we need to hold accountable for the judgements and dark thoughts, the little devil on your left shoulder that stabbed the right angel to death years ago.
Your mind is a machine gun shooting holes in all of your ideas, all of your dreams, and all of your will power. We shoot down the wings of self-confidence that would have flown us to heights of the impossible.
Have I lost you yet? Are you still out there? How far are you receding back into the depths of your mind? Listen to what I am saying.
Let your fishing pole of will power cast its line into your blood stream. Let it flow down your veins, heart starts pumping again, warmth spreads into your toes until you catch your soul. Reel it in, breathe it in, let it come to the surface and taste the light. Reel in your line to your ear drums, feel the rhythm of your life and your purpose. I mean it when I say to listen to me with your heart and soul.
Now that your soul has travelled this far, fished out of the dark and guarded recesses of your body, I beg you. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Anchor it down with a safety pin of hope and faith, the things that keep you from giving up.
If you are still listening to me, then please, take it just a little leap further and believe me.
Believe me when I tell you that you are worthy. Believe me when I tell you that you have importance. Believe me when I tell you that every action you take, down to the smallest passing smile, makes a difference.
If you are still listening to me, believe me that you are beautiful to your core. I know you are. I can see your gorgeous soul pinned there to your sleeve.
The most important thing that I want you to believe, need you to believe, is that you are loved. You have no right to deny this statement when I tell you, right now, that I love each and every one of you. All of your flaws and mistakes and pains and joys and passions. Whenever you share a little part of your life with me, it makes mine worthwhile.
YOU are worthwhile.
Listen to me when I tell you: always listen to yourself.

Corsages
Pressed shirts
Flirty butterflies
Not me.
Just your sweatshirt
Slow music
Missing you.
Gorgeous smile
We chose your shirt today
All eyes on you.
Girls staring
How could they not
I would be too.
But what they don't know
Is the curve of your neck
The rise and fall of your chest
The flutter of your eyelids
The slight smile on your lips
As you fall asleep.
The beauty that I have memorized
That only I get to see
Tonight
And every night after.

Life seems brighter,
Clearer,
From the bottom of the ocean.

Swirling colours all around
The wind whipping through your hair
Normal words don’t make a sound
Nobody knows that you are there

Empty shells across the beach
Lonely critters have no home
Subconscious voices you need to teach
No place or person to call your own

It’s like walking down a winding road
Where the end never gets nearer
Like staring through a looking glass
Where your vision doesn’t get clearer

The point of life is lost now
Vanished completely from sight
Moving on you don’t know how
Your goal was lost in light

Depressed is not the word
Emotions a jumbled stew
Screaming loud you cannot be heard
Wishing badly you could be new

Smiling doesn’t come easily
You lift your spirit with might
Your stomach’s turning queasily
As you wade through judgment’s night

Inside your heart is screaming
Locked in a battered cage
With no voice your thoughts are reeling
Hard eyes expressing unspoken rage

Eventually life feels normal
The same pictures over and over
Emotions so quiet stuck in a spiral
No desire to leave the corner

Feeling like a butterfly with cut off wings
A bruised apple left to rot
Feeling like a bird with no ability to sing
A desperate case that the world forgot

If you run as fast as you can forever
At some point you’re sure to fall
No love for once, it seems like never
You just can’t break through it all

That light in the distance is growing brighter
But up close it’s just a train
When it hits you you’re no longer a fighter
No will to stand up again

Please no more dandelions and stars
Wishing never works
All at once just emptiness and scars
You can’t escape the hurt

The world is colder, you’re growing older
People play you like a game
You’ve given up, curled in a corner
No strength to try life again.

A girl who will wait
Is a girl in love.

Stop darling,
Don't cut out your heart,
You need that.

Whenever you are around me I melt.
Its hopeless but I will admit to it.
There are so many conflicting ways it happens:
Splashing into a puddle of anguish and insecurity
Or dripping like the sweet honey your words leak into my heart.
I just want to be cupped into your loving hands
And stay there until I evaporate,
Disappearing from the gaze of your eyes like ocean water
Where I want so badly to be washed out at sea.