Scars of tear-streaked shame
Or proud tiger-striped strength.
Which are they?
Tonight let's flip the coin.

Almost everything in the fairytales turned out to be true:
Horrible witches, nasty curses, dark demons, and guarded fortresses.
But princesses?
I thought they were figments of our imaginations.
And yet little girls read storybooks religiously, dreaming of winning over the Prince Charming.
Well ladies, you can keep your pristine and spotless princes.
I know where love and honour truly lies.

It is in the dragon's keep,
Where she is locked away and hidden.
The walls of her own heart blocking everyone out,
Burning everyone down who dared face her inner dragon.

But there is determination running through his veins,
Bravery in every bead of sweat,
A fighter's honour gleaming in his eyes.
Breaking down the barriers to find a damsel in distress, he did the strongest thing:
Held the wretch in his arms.
A soldier with the ability to find perfection in the weakest of souls.

My knight in ***** turnout gear,
The firefighter who discovered a princess.
My love who proved the reality of fairytales,
And found our happily ever after.

Across the oceans so far from home
Anxious to see what comes your way
Overwhelmed by a culture you've never known
Mustering up courage to face a new day

Foreign eyes present a mystery
Searching every corner for kindness
Desperate desires to run and flee
But this opportunity you cannot miss

Teamwork and bonding
In bright faces you find comfort
A new place for more loving
It doesn't feel like work

Sweat blood and tears
Open arms so welcoming
No longer any fears
It feels so good to be helping

A new perspective on what it means to be alive
How can a people with so little give so much?
Pura Vida a motto to keep love in the light
Now forever your heart will be touched

Butterfly kisses in the morning rain
Make you want to do it all over again
These Ticos' kind hearts will never bring pain
Merely the fullest life and no need for shame

Many of Earth's citizens don't know how to live well
Peace and love is not a flowing thought
War and hunger gets caught in the swell
Struggling when the meaning of life is forgot

So when the sky is crying
And the world feels strange
Place your enlightened ear to your shell
And rise as a leader to be the change.

The community St. Florian, protector
From fires, lit
One inside
Me.

Corsages
Pressed shirts
Flirty butterflies
Not me.
Just your sweatshirt
Slow music
Missing you.
Gorgeous smile
We chose your shirt today
All eyes on you.
Girls staring
How could they not
I would be too.
But what they don't know
Is the curve of your neck
The rise and fall of your chest
The flutter of your eyelids
The slight smile on your lips
As you fall asleep.
The beauty that I have memorized
That only I get to see
Tonight
And every night after.

One smile
Could be the first-aid kit
Someone needs.

You made me a survival bracelet
Made of military para cord.
But I wonder if you know
That this is the safety line I use
To tie my heart to yours.

Ocean waves crash
Cry
Salty air stings your eyes
Some nights the lighthouse just passes over you.
But the water that drowns you now
Also holds up ships
And slips silently between fingers
Never ending
Indecisive
We have some patchwork to do.
Dear get your ship sailing again
Remember the breeze through your hair
And the promise on your lips
Be bold.
Open each clenched fist slowly now.
Let the ocean wash away your troubles
And set free your pain
Breathe it all in.
Breathe it all out.
We all need a white flag sometimes,
Don't hesitate to raise it.
Because we are never alone
When there are ships in the night.

Maybe its a midnight drive
Reminding you of an escape route
Listening to the wind
Wind through your hair
Wind through your lungs
Airing out between your ribcage
The worries weighing down your spine
Falling like wind chimes making music to dance to
Or maybe its just you.
Breathing life into me
Driving that car to the edge of nowhere and still driving
Dragging wind chimes behind us as we go
A galaxy of sounds
Melting the demons away.

The curl of my toes in my shoes.
The crinkle in my nose within the mass of freckles.
The rush of blood to my blushing face.
My heart beating like a hummingbird.
Aching scars on my wrists like monkey bars.
All these walls built up around my soul,
I'm not tall enough to reach over.
I'm not loud enough to get through.

But he heard.
He had a ladder and a PA system.
He had a bandage for my scars.
Kind words for my heartbeat, slowing it down to live in the moment.

That's all you really need, just a moment in time.
A moment to connect.
A moment to care.
A moment to love,
A moment to notice.

It's the little things that matter,
What build up in fragments until you get a whole, mismatched person.
He is six feet tall and made up of compassion.
A firefighter who is afraid of burning.
A healer who doesn't like needles.
A train enthusiast and a man of survival.

I whispered his name into sunflowers, his eyes are full of galaxies.
I would get lost in them forever if I could.
Travel among the stars with the boy who heard.

The boy who stayed.

If we want the world to be at peace
In faith we must hold the most profane acts
Look to the sun and over tallest peeks
Accept each other and sew all the cracks

End the segregation that tears us apart
Let inequality fade to the distance
Have our inner beauty become an art
And we’ll have an end to this resistance

The people who start wars never fight them
And those who grow our food never eat it
Children stuck inside of all this mayhem
Are trying to find reasons not to quit

With the balance of life so out of place
What sort of troubles are we soon to face?

Everything is sad.
Like how a flickering streetlamp is sad.
Like how hands that brush but don't hold is sad.
Like how a page ripping in your favourite book is sad.
Like how the flowers wilting after two days is sad.
Like how finishing the cereal but not filling your bowl is sad.
Like how waving to a stranger who doesn't see it is sad.
Like how the blanket doesn't quite cover all of your toes is sad.
Like how this cup of tea is too cold is sad.
Like how the clock hand can't quite get past 20 seconds is sad.
Like how my glow-in-the-dark stars always fade too soon is sad.
Like how the most important words always go unsaid is sad.
Like how the lengthening silence between us is sad.
Like how this broken, shaking whisper that isn't heard is sad.
Like how the closing of the car door is sad.
Like how this kiss blown from my lips can only travel so far is sad.
Like how my heart slams itself into my empty rib cage is sad.
My whole world is just sad
Weeping through these raindrops that won't seem to ever stop sliding down my window pane.

It is on rainy days that I miss you the most.
The drops splashing against my window
Echo
Echo
Echo
Through my empty aching heart.
I can still feel the imprint of your body on the left side of my bed
Where sometimes I roll into
Roll into you
And fit there the way that we so perfectly do.
Your sweatshirt embraces me
Drowns me in you
Where I'll float in your warm arms.
Oh god
I can't breathe
Missing you crashes over me like a tidal wave
Raindrops like gunshots blow holes in my serenity
I need fresh air
I need your sweatshirt off
The rain should be like icicle knives
But they're
Butterflies.
Pitter patter fluttering on my face.
Raindrops wash over my skin
Stripping away my insecurities
I feel clean.
I feel your fingers sliding over me again.
Gentle and healing
I still miss you
On this rainy Saturday.
I glance into a puddle
Oh there you are my sunshine
You're never too far away.
Your heart is always holding mine
But still it is on rainy days that I miss you the most.

There's a storm coming baby,
We can feel it in our bones
Life's waves crash around us
Making me afraid we'll lose balance
In this salty war zone.
But you say, "don't worry sweetheart,
You're always safe with me"
So I sit with you, my sailor, on our lifeboat
With nothing but an umbrella
And the sunshine in your eyes
Flowers between my toes
And the warmth you make with a sigh
That never seems to get lost in the wind.

Still unsure how to love myself.

I can hate blue eyes
That catch my green ones on the street.
I can hate love songs
That make me turn off the radio.
I can hate seeing fire fighter symbols
That remind me of you.
I can hate that I still wear the bracelet
The one that you made me.
I can hate your shirts
That fill my closet with your scent.
I can hate crying
The kind that knocks me over.
I can hate that bench
Because we used to kiss on it.
I can hate cuddling
Because no one else's arms feel right.
I can hate blankets
That give me a false sense of security.
I can hate sleeping
When it only brings more bad dreams.
(What's the point in sleeping
When my waking hours are nightmares too?)
I can hate knives
And the fact that there are so **** many in this too small house.
I can hate breathing
Because I know it's something we both do.
I can hate myself
For not being enough for you.
The only thing I can't seem to hate
Is you.
I wish I could hate you.
I feel like it would hurt so much less
Than loving someone
Who is no longer here.

Best of friends so close to each other
Two peas in a pod no need for cover
Trust completely without hesitation
Can love each other without vacation

Waking up, life’s here again
It’s not just us, you have more friends
I sit like a candle in the wind
One blow from you and I’m caving in

Days are passing, no word from you
And I thought we were stuck like glue
I’m here for comfort, I see your sorrows
Staring at you, wanting a different tomorrow

Now I can’t get you out of my mind
But you can’t seem to find the time
To think of me, am I doing fine?
Would you notice if I cried inside?

When we hug I can feel your affection
Look in your eyes and I see a connection
But I listen close, there is nothing to hear
All I can smell is fear

Fear of losing you, are we still friends?
From you I can’t tell, so I’ll just pretend
Things are going great, a magical wonderland
I don’t understand why you let go of my hand

I saw you today, the desire was all mine
I’ll sit watching my phone and wait for the chime
No message so far, all you give me is silence
Walking in the dark, I pray for no violence

Was I holding so tight you slipped through my fingers?
My vulnerability I showed you, now the dark angel lingers
I loved you more than everybody combined
But you showed me that you were never mine

Now I can’t get you out of my mind
But you can’t seem to find the time
To think of me, am I doing fine?
No, not since you left me crying inside.

Whenever you are around me I melt.
Its hopeless but I will admit to it.
There are so many conflicting ways it happens:
Splashing into a puddle of anguish and insecurity
Or dripping like the sweet honey your words leak into my heart.
I just want to be cupped into your loving hands
And stay there until I evaporate,
Disappearing from the gaze of your eyes like ocean water
Where I want so badly to be washed out at sea.

Today I screamed at the wall.
It was broad daylight.
I bet the neighbors heard.
I threw your pillowcase across the room.
I couldn't breathe.
I wonder if you do this too.
I slowly sunk to my knees.
It kind of felt like a prayer.
Lying on the floor I pull one of your letters close to me.
You called me starfish.
It still smells like you.
I can almost see you writing it in your horrible handwriting.
Five more weeks.
I have had this headache for three days now.
Stuck with writers block since I left.
Sometimes I can't close my eyes.
Your blue ones are so beautiful.
My heart still pounds in my ears.
I wonder if yours does too.
I must have memorized all of your letters by now.
It really hurts.
I try to claw my heart out sometimes.
I think I'm crazy.
You must be lying on this floor with me.
I can feel your thumb brush over my thumb.
Your heartbeat is slower than mine.
I'm not sure if I want to wrap you closer to me
Or push you away.
I could drown in your memory these days.
I'm afraid I won't get back up.
I wrap you closer of course.
I'm wearing your T-shirt.
And the smile you gave me once.
I've spent the day on the floor.
It's Sunday.
Pancake day.
You always made them the best.
I think I'll scream at the wall some more.
Nowadays I can't go to bed without a cup of tea.
*It kind of feels like your lips on mine.

Your past can't hold you back.

Stars so high are winking at me
Swimming in the velvet sky
Thoughts like constellations with unknown meaning
The endlessness sparkling in your eyes

Guidance falling from above
Shooting stars that point the way
Galaxies wrapping you up in their love
Dreaming so the beauty stays

Too far to reach the glistening heavens
Hold your breath now start to try
Stripped now of internal weapons
Ragged skies release and cry

Get lost in dreams and distant thoughts
Spiral tumble down Saturn's rings
Take the risk and shoot for stars
A lullaby now the moon man sings.

I know why I let go.

Not toe dipping, jumping right in!

Look at how amazing he is.
He really takes my breath away.
He is going to do great things, look at what he is already doing for the community.
Why is he with me?
You have nothing to offer him.
Nothing important.
He shines so brightly.
He's a hero.
How could you compete?
You aren't even on the same level as him.
He deserves someone better, someone as wonderful as he is.
You are so needy.
Look at yourself.
Melting and blushing and searching for praise.
This is why everyone else left.
You love too easily and too much.
You are worthless and ugly and slobbish and selfish.
Oh look, now you're crying too.
This happens every time Tessa, you always fall in this same hole.
Did you ever completely climb out?
Hang on a second.
Stop it.
You're overreacting.
How did things come to this?
He held you in his arms last night.
Voluntarily.
That has to mean something.
Calm down.
Stop it.
You are stronger than this.
He chose you, remember?
Stop talking to yourself.
Entertaining the voices in your head is how you mess things up.
Every time life becomes kind to you, you search for the faults.
Why should this be so impossible?
Why aren't you allowed to be happy for once?
You can do this.
You deserve this.
These are the thoughts he vowed to help you stop.
It's time to trust a little, and let him.
Open up.
You're shutting love out again.
You know if he were here, he would hug you sobbing
And tell you to
*please, just put down the knife.

I sit and watch you with tears in my eyes
Nothing I can do for you, I can’t tell you why
You sit in sadness and say you love her, you miss her
And I know nothing I do will ever be enough for you.
All she gave you was not what you deserved
Yet you wish you got more, you’re so blind to me
As I sit on the sidelines with no voice of my heart
I want to give you the things that you need
Be anything that you ask me to be
You say I’m so perfect, so flawless, so beautiful
Then why won’t you choose me?
You sit and cry at the past
While I’m here wanting to be your future
But that doesn’t matter to you
Because she was all you ever needed.
I sit and cry at night, it’s too much to bare
To love with all my heart when you’re not there
I want to give you everything that I have
But I know that I’ll never be what you want.
This doesn’t matter anyway, like I have a chance
Like you would care for me and ask for a dance
But I’ll be here anyway incase you need a shoulder
I’ll stick around and just act like your soldier
Because that’s all I’ll ever be to you.
I’ve found my fairytale, you’re my prince charming
But the only flaw to this story is I’m not your princess.
I’ve stopped wishing on stars
They won’t work anymore
It’ll just keep reminding me of what I can never have.
If you ever wanted me too, well isn’t that a laugh
And I try to make you happy every day
However you want.
The people writing the saying missed out the part that says
It will hurt
Because love truly is the slowest form of suicide.
It hurts to make you happy
Because I know I’m not needed, not wanted
But never again shall I find another quite like you.

Head under water makes breathing hard.

Boy, you are my anchor.
You keep me from getting washed out into the raging sea we call life.
You keep me safely grounded to a place I can call home.
If home is where the heart is, then my heart is at the bottom of the ocean.
Close to you.
Linked to my anchor.
But boy, anchors partake in shipwrecks.
Sometimes you hold me under until I drown.
Weighted down by this heavy heart of mine that at times you refuse to bare with me.
At the bottom of the ocean I am naked, raw, suffocating.
But when I look up and see all of the crashing waves and angry currents above me as I sit
in these quiet depths,
I realize that you were always my savior.
Under the pressure of it all, at least I can feel.
The ocean knows all pain, welcoming my salty tears like glistening jewels to be buried as legends.
The story of us will travel with me forever as I sail the seven seas.
One thing I can't deny though boy,
is that even when the winds and the waves push and pull me,
like an anchor you never change.

You will always take my breath away.

Distance
For the love of God please be kinder to me.
I imagine the sun kisses your shoulders
The way I could never stop.
I'm aching.
I whisper my name into forget-me-nots
Hoping you remember it better than them.
I think I'm still breathing.
I will hug my pillow tonight
I wrapped it in an old shirt of yours.
Boy, what I would give to be back in that place.
My legs wrapped around your waist
Like a starfish
Brushing your freckles with my nose
Connecting constellations between your shoulder blades
That I will find for us in my sky tonight.
Sweet dreams my darling,
I'll be seeing you soon
Always on the right side of your bed.

Let me tell you my life story.
I was left. But in some ways what I mean to say is that I turned left on that dead end road that our knees shake just thinking about.
I am not alone on this journey if you believe my words. The moon’s shadow holds me at night. The sun’s rays kiss my skin on days that are even ravaged by rain.
But the rain isn’t my enemy. The rain is a savior, a second chance, the miracle cure that washes away all of the pain in the world. My rain boots are my guides, sloshing through every challenge that dares an attempt to drown me.
No, I am not alone.
The wind whispers love poems into the shell of my ear. The rough sand scrapes away the imperfections between my toes until all that is left is wisdom. And love for the hard things in life.
Because it is the wave that knocked me over that taught me how to stand.
It is the bully on the playground who taught me that my Wonder Woman cape really does fit my shoulders.
And it is the heartache and the pain that punched me in the stomach that taught me how much I love air.
The words on the leather pages of dusty books leap into my arms and scream, “the past may be permanent, but it is written down just for you to breathe in their lessons.”
You see, no beautiful moment is ever lost. They are merely built upon until they are skyscrapers tall enough for every suicidal person to escape ever reaching the ground.
I have heard stories about reaching for cloud nine, but that isn’t what I want. Flying isn’t the dream that caresses my shaking body when the midnight air turns cold.
No, I aspire to go higher than that, to shoot way past the moon to those stars that have always been flickering just to prove that the darkness takes over sometimes. And that is okay.
Without the darkness those stars would never shine.
Life is made out of sugar and can crumble at any touch but I will never be afraid to stick out my tongue and taste it.
I may have been left, but that doesn’t mean that my decision wasn’t right.
Because now, forever I can say that the universe is painted on the back of my hand. And I can tell you that I know myself like every drop of color that has mingled with my skin cells.
I may have been left, but at the same time I was given to the matrix that harmonizes this world.
I now know that sometimes, we are just as naïve as the caterpillars who have no idea what life has in store for them.

You took a piece of me
I thought I had got back by now.
When you showed up again
Emptiness followed
As the part you stole shattered
All over again
I'm reminded of who you
Once made me.

Since you showed up again
Every one of my sentences
Has contained the word
Sorry.

Our story
Still being told
It's like backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Memories in the wind
Hair whipped around on a swing
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

You saying yes
Me saying no
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Sneaking into your room
First kiss of harmony
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Miscommunication
Broken hearts and yelling
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Three months
Distance and silent agony
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Apologies
Finally alive, breathing
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Inseparable
Those three words spoken
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Perfection too strong
Second guessing commitment
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

But I will take you
However you come to me
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

True love felt
Never dies, it's forever
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

I will always wait
Your heart is worth it
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Because there is no one else
Who knows me, loves me
Backwards and forwards
Then forwards and backwards

Like you.

The adventures we'll have together,
Just you and me darling

Listen to me.
Don't just stare at the empty space above my head, don't let your mind wander, and don't you dare be talking to that voice inside your head. Listen to me. Listen to what I am saying, not that voice. Those are the people that we need to hold accountable for the judgements and dark thoughts, the little devil on your left shoulder that stabbed the right angel to death years ago.
Your mind is a machine gun shooting holes in all of your ideas, all of your dreams, and all of your will power. We shoot down the wings of self-confidence that would have flown us to heights of the impossible.
Have I lost you yet? Are you still out there? How far are you receding back into the depths of your mind? Listen to what I am saying.
Let your fishing pole of will power cast its line into your blood stream. Let it flow down your veins, heart starts pumping again, warmth spreads into your toes until you catch your soul. Reel it in, breathe it in, let it come to the surface and taste the light. Reel in your line to your ear drums, feel the rhythm of your life and your purpose. I mean it when I say to listen to me with your heart and soul.
Now that your soul has travelled this far, fished out of the dark and guarded recesses of your body, I beg you. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Anchor it down with a safety pin of hope and faith, the things that keep you from giving up.
If you are still listening to me, then please, take it just a little leap further and believe me.
Believe me when I tell you that you are worthy. Believe me when I tell you that you have importance. Believe me when I tell you that every action you take, down to the smallest passing smile, makes a difference.
If you are still listening to me, believe me that you are beautiful to your core. I know you are. I can see your gorgeous soul pinned there to your sleeve.
The most important thing that I want you to believe, need you to believe, is that you are loved. You have no right to deny this statement when I tell you, right now, that I love each and every one of you. All of your flaws and mistakes and pains and joys and passions. Whenever you share a little part of your life with me, it makes mine worthwhile.
YOU are worthwhile.
Listen to me when I tell you: always listen to yourself.

You say that your body
Is like a cracked ***.
I know that on bad days,
These are the gaps
Where the darkness leaks in.
But come with me darling,
We can fill you up with soil once more.
Plant deep and unshakable roots
That bloom bright yellow daffodils
Who can withstand even the cloudiest days,
Reminding you to keep growing
(Keep going darling)
Up towards the sunlight.

Trust.
One of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.
Honestly, half the time I don't even trust myself.
Fighting an uphill battle against my inner demons,
But you know that.
I love you so much it hurts sometimes.
I second guess myself
And claw at my chest to see if my heart is still there.
It isn't.
It's with you,
Held gently in hands that do not shake.
Will never shake.
You are always right.
Maybe even when you call me beautiful.
My jaw trembles sometimes.
With you I have given up trying to hide it.
Because I know now that when my faith cracks,
When my knees go weak with uncertainty,
And I decide that I am not good enough
You will pick me up,
Stare me sternly in the face,
And have the confidence to say:
*You are wrong.

You make my calloused feet feel pretty.
Like the bruises on my knees are war wounds.
As if the ladders of scars on my wrists are tiger stripes.
The freckles on my nose feel **** when you lean in for an Eskimo kiss.
Sixty-five miles away and one memory of you makes me feel beautiful. For once.

Come closer my dear
Cling to my ribcage like safety handles
And weep with me my dear
Let's make a river that can take us so far away
That we get lost in each other my dear
We can use the maps of your veins to stay on course
So break your compass my dear
The only North I need is standing in front of me
I think I am in too deep my dear
Please let me stay as the starfish that holds your anchor
I love you my dear
Keep your eyes on the moon.

I pull my seatbelt a little tighter -
It feels good to be held.

Nights spent with cold feet
Staring into nothing
Ripping up old photos
Of who you used to be.
Now you're an evicted house
A hollowed out ribcage
Heart amputee
With the only way of filling the empty
A daily dose of pills.
What have you become?