It's 2:29am as I sit in the bath
I'm reflecting on my sad existence
Everyone in the house is asleep
As I bathe in more tears than tap water
Dreaming of how easy it would be to slip under the steamy water
And say good bye to all the sorrow
And feel peace, bliss, jubilant
Complete perfection in a way life it's self could never deliver
Count to three
One
Two
Three
One final breath in this life,
Savor it
Fluttering eyelashes for the last time
Take in the surroundings because this is all you have left
One slow movement
Slip in
And say goodnight darling.
(A.G.)

AT 2:35AM I WAS WEAK AND TEXTED YOU.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BLEEDING WRISTS AND TEARY EYES.
YOU STILL HAVENT OPENED THE TEXT AND IM FULL OF FEAR BECAUSE IT'S NOW MORNING.
I DONT WANT TO SHOW YOU THE CUTS IVE SCATTERED ALONG MY DISTURBED BODY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO SHOW ME FAKE AFFECTION.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO KISS MY SCARS FOR I KNOW THEY'RE UGLY AND YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THAT.
ALL I WANT IS YOU TO TELL ME IT'S OKAY SO I CAN GO ON WITH MY SELF-HATE.
BLADES REFLECT MY OWN PERSONALITY IN THE MOONLIGHT.
TEARS REFLECT MY BURNING PAIN.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT SIDE OF ME AND I KNOW BOYS DON'T LIKE SAD GIRLS.
SO I'LL SUPPRESS MY FEELINGS TO HURL MYSELF OFF A BUILDING.
OR TO JUMP INTO A LAKE WITH ANCHORS TIED ON MY ANKLES.
BECAUSE THAT'S WRONG OF ME.
I WON'T SLIT MY WRISTS TOO DEEP FOR I HAVE BROUGHT YOU INTO MY WORLD AND I CANNOT DISSAPOINT YOU NOW.
SO BABY I PROMISE TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD AS LONG AS YOU CAN STILL LOVE ME.
(AG)

I finally got what I wanted
The wild teen crazed life
Blasting subs
Laughing, stories, aimlessly driving around
Stopping anywhere we can adventure, raise hell, bring joy, and connect with strangers
Anything to make our mark
Wild screaming laughs pour out of the windows every single night
So free
Holding onto that childish ignorance
Nothing matters when we are all together
You get to forget the pointless homework
Forget family problems
And get absorbed into the music and talks
You get to fill your mind with raging giggles, endless jokes
All those movie moments you never thought would happen
Pointless, mindless destruction
Embrace the reckless teen years
Live without responsibly
While you can
(A.G.)

5:11pm
sitting in his room silently
desperately craving more attention
I know I can't be needy
I know it's too much to ask
he gives me kisses all the time
holds my hand
he's wonderful to me
all I want is another loving embrace
I want to cry and be comforted
but I know that's not fair
boys' don't like sad girls
so i hold it in, smile, laugh once or twice
tell stories
but I'd rather sleep, gently in his arms
I want to be held and I don't want to talk
I want to rest
too much pain to be awake in this reality
how can I be alone without being lonely?
sleeping is my only solution
but I don't want to sleep without him by my side
I need someone to distract me
he does a great job, but i crave more
I need more than possible
one tear rolls
I'm hiding it and laughing
I'll giggle until I can go home and cry out for my lover
cry out for the only boy who gives me affection
for the boy I love
for my best friend
for the only boys arms i want surrounding my body
but for now a soft smile
(a.g)

6:08am
Laying in your arms
Tracing your collar bones
Sneaking a gentle kiss, casual embrace
Loving all the time spent together
Your face looks so perfect in the pale sunrise
I kiss your cheek
Our slow breaths sync up
Curl under the covers, hands on your bare chest
And fall back asleep with the reassuring thought that you'll still be by my side when I wake up
Those steady lips ready to press against mine
You've involutedly added yourself into my life
And with that thought I am ecstatic
(A.G.)

11:37pm
It's when we spend all that time alone
When you become yourself
And I become me
It's those moments alone in the blue glowing lights in your bedroom
When I gawk at you
At your silly cross-eyed face
I notice all your adorable quirks
Embracing me in sets of two
Squeezing my hand
Laughing over idiotic videos
Caressing your sweet lips with mine
Stumbling onto your creaky bed
Looking in your eyes I do realized
That you're my very best friend
And I love you more than I ever thought possible
(AG)

MIDNIGHT:
YOU'RE HURT AND FRAIL SO I MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU.
YOU'RE THE ADULT AND MY ROLD MODEL BUT YOU'RE HORRIBLY BROKEN AND I FEAR WAHT YOU MIGHT DO IF I LEAVE YOU ALONE.
THEY'RE TELLING ME IM NOT OBLIGATED TO WATCH YOU AND THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO IT BUT I CANT LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP THE FIRST TIME.
I ALMOST LOST YOU.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE YOU IF I JUST GAVE YOU ADVISE OR IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO LEAVE MY ROOM THAT ONE TIME I GOT TIRED.
I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE.
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AFTER I NOTICED THE MAKEUP STAINS ON YOUR PILLOW.
OR WHEN I NOTICED THAT HOLE IN YOUR WALL.
WHY DIDNT I SAY ANYTHING THAT TIME I WALKED INTO YOUR ROOM AND SAW TEARS SPILLING FROM YOUR WEARY EYES?
THIS IS A WAKE UP CALL AND I NOW HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.
SO SISTER NOW I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE.

12:52pm was the time
I was sitting in lunch when I received a vague text
"I'm sorry about your sister"
My heart sank as I thought of the very worst
Clenched my fists and asked what was going on
It was then when she told me-
She's in the hospital
She tried to **** herself, Aolani.
A whirlwind of questions fluttered into my numb mind
Is she okay?
Why?
Where is she?
Where was I when she needed me?
This is my sister, my best friend we're talking about
I was in school
I couldn't cry
I can't be weak
Everyone tried to comfort me
But that's so useless
Nothing can take it back
Dad calls-
She's okay
She'll be in the hospital for quite a while, 3 weeks.
I can visit her very soon
But how will I handle that?
My role model,
The one and only girl I've ever found to be flawless,
Will be so weak and alone
Her nimble fingers inching to hold my cold shaky hands
Calling out for my affection
I'll tell her I love her because I now know how important it is
And I'll soak in tears until my sister
My older, wiser, beautiful sister
Finds peace.
(A.G.)

Your 18th birthday is tomorrow
Some may call that the most important birthday
But you're too sad to enjoy it
You'll be spending your special day lying on a cold metal bed
Itchy sheets
In a hospital
A hospital for people like you
People who find life to hard to live
I feel so much sorrow for you
We get to throw you a party
It will last 50 minuets
That's all the time we are allowed to visit
We will bring you a cake
It's not the same though
No balloons; the popping noise scares the patients
No candles; you might burn yourself out of spite
No laughs; everyone is scared to offend you
No pictures; you feel you're too horribly ugly and don't want to remember this
You're my role model, my sister
And you're becoming an adult
But you could care less
You've grown up but what does that matter when you feel life isn't worth living
It hurts me to see you in this pain,
To see your weak hand grasping out for my gentle embrace
When your perfection is fragile and broken, who do you turn to?
Who now will offer me comfort?
Your birthday is ruined and I did nothing to stop that.
And for that I am buried in fiery guilt
A blazing roar of self-loathing
For I knew you were sad and I did little to save you
And I'm more than sorry
So I'll cry for you
And then beg for your forgiveness
(AG)

BROUGHT A BLADE TO THE CABIN BECAUSE WHO AM I WITHOUT IT?
SHARP METAL EDGE WHO IS NOW A PART OF ME JINGLING AROUND IN MY SUITCASE.
EVERYONE IS SLEEPING NOW SO IT'S OUR TIME TO BE TOGETHER.
TREMBLING HANDS NO MORE; NOW AS I AM SO FAMILIAR WITH THIS I DONT WORRY.
GRACEFUL FINGERS REACH INTO THE TOP LEFT POCKET OF MY BAG.
I GRAB IT FROM RIGHT WHERE I LEFT IT AND SMIRK IN THE DARKNESS LOOKING DOWN AT MY LOVELY FRIEND.
I WOULDNT WANT TO WAKE ANYONE SO I'LL SLIP OUTSIDE AND SPRAWL DOWN BY THE WATER.
THE END OF THE DOCK NOW ACTS AS MY HOME WHILE I SLICE THROUGH MY ROUGH SKIN AND LET THE RED DROPLETS POLLUTE THE QUIVERING LAKE.
NOT EVEN CRYING, READY TO BE DONE WITH MY BITTER LIFE I HURL MY NUMB SOUL ONTO THE BOAT IN SEARCH OF THE ANCHOR AND ITS ROPE.
BUT IT'S HARD WHEN YOUVE LOST SO MUCH BLOOD AND LOST YOUR WILL TO MOVE.
BLACKNESS FADES IN AND OUT THREATENING TO FOIL MY SELF-LOATHING PLANS.
FALLING HELPLESSLY INTO THE SEA WHILL DO THE TRICK.
THE ***** WATER GREW UP WITH ME AND IM HAPPY TO USE IT FOR MY END.
BUT HOW TO DO IT WITH OUT MAKING A SPLASH OR WAKING MY DEAR FRIENDS?
I CANT WRITE A NOTE BUT MY MIND IS SCREAMING THAT I NEED TO MAKE MY MARK THEREFORE I CARVE MY NAME IN ROUGH LETTERS ON THE EDGE OF THAT DOCK.
BUT BEFORE I CAN CONCLUDE MY MISERY IM INTERUPED BY MY WORRISOME FAMILY AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS ACTUALLY GOING ON, WHAT IM PLANNING, WHAT IVE DECIDED, AND HOW I FEEL.
SO I SMILE TO MYSELF AND LAUGH AT THEIR INNOCENCE.
THAT SUMMER NIGHT I WENT BACK INSIDE AND FELL BACK INTO SLUMBER WISHING I DIDNT AND HOPING NOT TO WAKE UP.
(A.G.)