There's a rat on the balcony.
I see it scamper
along by the wall,
its tail following behind.

Helen screams
and rushes behind me.

It runs out of sight
down the concrete stairs
of the flat.

I hate them,
she says,
looking over
my 7 year old shoulder.

It's gone now.
She sighs.

Why are there rats
in the flats?

Forget them;
lets go
to the Penny Shop,
I say showing her
a 6d piece.

Will the rat
have gone now?
she asks.

Yes,
long gone.

We walk along
the balcony
and down the stairs
looking out for the rat,
but there's no sign.  

Where'd it go?

Hidden down the shute,
I expect.

We walk through
the Square,
walk past the bike sheds,
the milkman
and his horse-drawn cart.

My dad killed a rat
with his shoe
when it got in
our backyard,
Helen says,
horrible,
blood and guts
everywhere,
and he had
to wash his shoes clean
under the cold water tap
in the yard.  

He must
have been quick.

He cornered it
and bang bang
with his big
black shoe.

We come out
of the Square
and cross into Harper Road
and go to the Penny Shop.

I like how she stands there
with her big eyed look
through the thick lens
glasses
and brown
plaited hair.

Miss A held up the card
with a word on it

who knows
what this word is?
she asked

the class stared glumly
at the card

a girl put up her hand
is it monster?
she said

no it's not monster
Miss A said moodily

another girl
put up her hand
is it mouse?

O’Brien snorted
a laugh behind
his ink stained hand

it is not mouse
the teacher said
her eyes lifted
ceiling ward

I put up my hand

yes Benedict?
Miss A said

can I go to the bog Miss?
there was a titter
behind my back

yes you can
but no you may not
she said sternly

I pulled a face
she looked at me
I unpulled my face

anyone else
have any idea
what the word is?
everyone has one
she suggested

O’Brien whispered
to me a word
I could not repeat

what was that O'Brien?
Miss A asked

muscle Miss
he said
(not the word
he said to me)

no it is not that
look at the card
look look
she said

we gazed at the card
in her hands

who knows
the first letter?

a girl put up
her hand

it's M Miss
she said

and the second letter?

I put up my hand
it's O Miss
I said

she gazed at me
and the third letter?

Helen put
up her hand
it's T Miss
she said

already whispered O'Brien
ain't long had dinner

Miss A glared at him
the fourth letter O'Brien?

aitch
he said

Miss A sighed
H
she said
one breathes
the letter out
H not aitch
next letter?
she said

it's E Miss
a girl said
on the floor
sitting crossed legged

and the last letter?
Miss A asked

it's R Miss
O'Brien said

so what do all
the letters say?
she asked

Mobster
a girl said
with glasses
(who often
wet herself
if she couldn't make
the bog in time)

no no
Miss A said
look at the letters

I lifted my hand

and she said
yes Benedict?

I need the bog Miss

GO
she said loudly

and I got up
and sped as fast
as I could

just as I got
to the door

Dennis said
it's Muvver Miss

Miss A looked away
she looked
distressed

it had been
a long
hard day.

Lift him high
to the sky

raise him
on your shoulders

rest his coffin
by your head

your brother's dead
carry me

he said
once in jest

raise him steady
off you go

hold firm
for tears will flow

his favoured song
Over the Rainbow

tones you in
we all follow

gutted empty
feeling hollow

full of sorrow
hand in hand

tearful eyes
hold him steady

sisters
brothers

keep him close
to heart and head

carry me
he once said

lay him gently
let his coffin lay

let him sleep
in God's rest

you have given all
you have done him proud

you have carried high
the best.

Sleep on
loving brother

dearest son
rest as you can

our close-knit kin
our young brave man.

Benedict
thinks of her
Christina

the girlfriend
at high school
as he now

undresses
preparing
for bedtime

she far off
in her house
in her town

her parents
probably
below stairs

watching their
dull programmes
on TV

while she in
her bedroom
undresses

or so he
imagines
(in his head)

watching her
removing
each piece of

clothing
as he too
undresses

in his room
a coloured
centrefold

of a fast
racing car
on the wall

and her small
photograph
by his bed

she gave him
he'd seen her
on the field

at high school
during their
lunch recess

she sitting
with her friends
giggling

then walking
together
off alone

high smell of
lavender
her soft hand

lips kissing
now in bed
lying there

lights all out
just moonlight
reflecting

her image
he pretends
she is there

next to him
not speaking
not laughing

both watching
the moon move
and stars shine

hands touching
fingers entwined
each having

the same thoughts
in shared mind.

Don’t know when
she said

but as she spoke
her breath rose

like cigarette smoke
in the morning air

and it fascinated you
more than the words

like when your father
blew smoke rings for you

as some kind
of cheap entertainment

but
she said

it will happen
I promise you

and your lack
of response

still gazing
at her breath rising

made her repeat
don’t know when though

and jabbed
at your chest

with her finger
oh ok

you said
coming back

to the moment
her blue eyes

fixed on you
the depth of them

like pools
of blue water

and oh how
to drown there

the thought arose
wanting the when

to be
as soon as

and the image
of her back then

with her eyes
and smile

and that way
she had

of bringing life
to a dull day

like some
top notch dancer

not knowing then
of her death

years later
of cold creeping cancer.

The holding of young
Nisha your daughter
Is like embracing

A wonderful dream
In a summer’s night;
The smell of her is

Like scented blossoms,
The eyes of her like
Small diamonds in a

Sea of creamy milk.
The feeling of her cheek
Against yours warms you,

Reminds you of your
Mother’s touches, your
Mother’s embraces,

The softness, the warmth
Of love. Time moves you
On, the hands of the

Clock go around and
Around, your mother
Is no more, the fond

Memory of her holds
Fast in your mind, your
Father sits alone

Now, his eyes always
On the door as he
Awaits her return,

Listening for her
Footsteps in the house.
The holding of young

Nisha in your arms
Is a reminder
Of the then and now,

Of the memory
Of your mother and
The moment of warmth

Now, the aliveness,
The being here, the
Eyes close, there is the
Smile and the lone tear.

I lie on my back
on the grass
my hands behind
my head

Yehudit is standing
by the lake
-her term
for the pond-
looking over
the water's skin
at the ducks
and dragonflies
skimming the water
and flying off and up

I watch her
standing there
the sun shining down
through the branches
of trees overhead
bird song

I like it here
she says
so peaceful

I take in
her white
and blue flowery dress
the bare legs
the sandalled feet
her hands
behind her back
her hair tied
at the back
by a blue ribbon

do you
like it here?
she asks

yes I like it
in fact I like it
most places

she turns
and looks at me
I mean the scenery
she says smiling

I look at her eyes
the blueness
the flush of cheeks
the smile

how often
do you think
of *** Benny?
she says

pretty much
most of the time
I reply
with a twinkle
in my eye

thought so
she says
shaking her head
and turning away
to gaze at the scene
once more

she thinking
who knows what
but I thinking
of the kissing
and heavy petting
of 10 minutes
before.

My name is Milly Aswillbe,
I wish there was just one of me,
But in fact, there’s twenty-three,

Each takes their time and place
To occupy my frame and face,

And have their stint upon the stage
Being good or madly rage

Or being sweet and kind
Or being wild and speak their mind,

Each has a different name from mine
One of which is Cassy Kline,

But each is odd to some degree,
For each is some part of me.

Lizbeth was waiting for me
by the hedge
under the water tower
been waiting for you

she said
been helping
sawing logs
I said

where we going?
she asked
walk up the Downs?
I said

she shrugged
her shoulders
I suppose so
she said moodily

where else?
I said
what about
that empty cottage

down the lane
she said
that would be
less far to go

and more likely
likely for what?
I said
you know

she said
might be a place
an empty shed or such
I looked at her hair

drawn into a pony tail
her eyes fixed on me    
we'll have to walk then
I said

you can leave your bike
by our shed
ok
she said

and so we walked back
to the cottage
and left her bike
by the shed wall

and walked down the lane
at a steady pace
don't you find
all this countryside

boring?
she said
no shops
no cinema

no place to go
it's ok
I said
I don't get bored

I go for walks
collect bird's eggs
look for animal skeletons
in the woods

fossils in the chalk walls
stop
she said
that's so dull

bad enough
you showed me
all that stuff
that time

in your bedroom
I smiled
you forgot to mention
my Spitfire hanging

from the ceiling
of course
she said
just what

I always wanted
to see
she looked
at the small stream

by the path
where you walked
in your bedroom
and all you

could think about
was showing me
your bones and fossils
and I wanted

to do things
she said
I found a wren's nest
up there

earlier this year
I said
pointing to an area
on her right

didn't disturb it though
waited until
the chicks had hatched
and flown away

before I collected
the eggshell remains
she didn't look impressed
she looked at the sky

where rooks flew
over head
my cousin collects
bird's eggs

she said
he gets them
as soon as he can
and blows out

the gunk inside
through a small hole
so yuk
she said

she took my hand
in hers as we turned
along the path
leading to

the empty cottage
stuck on the edge
of a field
come on

she said
let's have a look
for some place
we can do things

I followed her
through the front gate
and along a path
by weeds

and flowers mingled
roses red and yellow
by a wall
she tried

a shed door
but it was locked
she walked further along
to the back

of the cottage
and tried the back door
which was locked
she looked

in a window
this porch way
would give us cover
she said

looking around her
cover for what?
I said
for doing things

she said
not comfortable though
she added
looking at

the red brick
by the back door porch
I was hoping
there would be

some where
she said
she drew me into
the porch way

and put her arms
about me
and kissed me
her lips

were warm
and wettish
her tongue entered
into my mouth

like a small fish
a tractor sounded nearby
she broke away
and looked

by the porch
over towards
the field behind
a blue tractor

moved by
the edge
of the field
the noise loud

and smoke rising
in the air
that was it
her whole body froze

and her eyes
had a cold angry glare.

Come on Henry she said
come up and see me some
time but Henry said sorry

dame but I can’t today it’s
just not possible the wife’s
coming back from the shops

and you know what wives are
like and she said oh come
on Henry that’s not stopped

you before climbing the stairs
and knocking my door oh that
was for sugar or was it coffee?

Henry said I cannot recall oh
heck Henry don’t be such a bore
you’ve been to my bed many

times before oh Honey don’t
be so with me now I got to be
careful the wife’s in a mood

the neighbours are talking they
twitch their curtains and peek
through blinds oh to hell with

them she said they’ve filthy old
minds oh listen baby maybe
tomorrow when the wife’s away

I‘ll come borrow some sugar or
coffee or whatever you like and
share your bed you’ll come now

Henry or not come at all the young
dame said oh come on sugar give
me a break let me come another

time and I will bring flowers and
chocolates and love and my body
hot ok she said if you promise me

such I’ll cut to a break not for you
or your body but my heart’s sake.

Can you
buy me
an Augusten
Burroughs book?
You asked.

I'd not heard
of the guy
until then;
read Bill Burroughs,
but this guy
was new to me.

Anyway,
I sought him out
in the local book store
and purchased
the book you said;
wrapped it up
for the birthday gift
and gave.

Now and then,
if house sitting
for you, while you
were at work
and some workman
came to do a job
or sort things out,
I’d pick out
the Burroughs book
and read
a paragraph
or so, smile,
get the drift,
the humour
pretty much
like yours,
then put it down
until another time arrived
to carry on
the quest to read
where I’d left off
the time before.

Now
since your sudden death,
I’ve inherited them all,
the large book
and medium range
and the small.

I've all the time
to read them now;
they sit there
by my bedside cabinet
waiting to be read,
silent, well behaved,
orderly, all in line.

I wondered if
you read them all,
or if time ran out
before the end,
that illusive
final paragraph
or so, that last book
unread.

I guess
I’ll never know;
you being
on the other side
of the curtain,
they label:
being dead.

Sure I’ll read
the books
read them
until the end
each
and every one;
but I’d rather
see you again
my dear
departed son.

It was just one of those moments
In combat, the soldier guessed,
One of those gritty times of war,

When who was who
Didn’t matter no more.
The girl he held

Was dying fast,
Her feeble breath
Ebbing away

Across his shoulder
Like a frail tide of being;
Someone’s bundle of joy;

A bloodied jumble
Of flesh and bone;
Which at home,

No doubt,
Would cause a stir,
If known, or seen;

But this was war,
The cruelty of war;
Taking no sides

Amongst such slaughter;
Someone’s child,
Someone’s daughter.

Nima holds
the **** in
her bladder

another
occupies
the toilet

she can hear
the woman
*******
seemingly
hear talking
explosions
of farting
muttering

Nima stands
with hands
held in place
between thighs

hey in there
what the ****
you doing
laying eggs?
Nima says

go away
a voice says
go elsewhere
I’m busy

Nima sighs
where to go?

her bladder
is ready
to explode

she rushes
through the ward
passed nurses
out through doors
to the next
lavatory
and pushes
it open
and shuts it
and locks it
undresses
and sits down
and lets go

she thinks of
Benedict
and that time
that they ******
in some cheap
boarding house
in London

another
deep release
not of ****
but of ***
held in place
by a kiss.

Even in sleep,
She is beautiful.

Let her be, Sandor
Says, let’s go drink

And play cards and
Listen to some jazz.

She resembles some
Goddess lying there,

You muse, leaving
Behind Sandor,

Looking back at
Her with her eyes

Closed, her hand
On her breast, there

At rest. Wish I could
Be that hand, you

Inward say, watching
The shadows from

The moon’s shift play
On her cheek and skin.

Sandor pours white
Wine and puts down

The cards; there is cool
Jazz on the gramophone

And she is lying there
Without you, sleeping,

Dreaming, and all alone.

Yochana passed the maths block
along the narrow path
onto the sports field
during lunch time recess

her friend Angela
was in the WC
sorting out
some girl problem

I was sitting on the grass
looking at some boys
play ball nearby

Yochana stood over me  
and said
can I sit here with you?

I looked up
sure why not
where's your girlfriend?

she's not my girlfriend
she's my best friend
she replied
and sat down next to me

I gazed at her hair
smooth and black
and brought back
into two bunches
and her glasses
were thin wire framed

do you smile?

she raised her
thin eyebrows

why? do you only
like girls who smile?

it helps

helps how?

makes them
seem friendlier

she attempted a smile
not successfully

I looked at
the football game

why aren't you playing?
she asked

I'm not much good
they're better off
without me

so there are things
you're not good at?

I nodded
and looked at her
yes but
some things I am
and smiled

she looked away
for a few moments

you have a good profile

she looked
back at me
do I?

yes quite refined
unlike some
of the girls in class
who're like peasant stock
in contrast

she smiled
unkind to them

but true
I said
sometimes truth
will out

she put her hands
in her lap
and looked past me
at the boys
and their ball

your eyes are like
two of my
favourite marbles

she looked back at me
are they?

I nodded
yes I keep them
with me
as my good luck charms

show me

I got out the marbles
from my trouser pocket
and showed them to her
in the palm
of my hand

can I hold them?

sure

so she took them
into her small
thin hand

they're warm

came from a warm place

yes they are
like my eyes' colour

she gave them
back to me
and as she did so
I held her hand briefly
nice hand
I said
and kissed it

she took it back
and looked at it
why'd you kiss my hand?

same reason
I kissed your cheek
the other week

others might
have seen and came up
with ideas

what ideas?

well that there's
something going on
between us

and isn't there?

she sat back
and looked
around her

not like
they might think
she said

and what might
they think?

things going on
between us

what kind of things?

just because
I like you
doesn't mean
we're doing things
she said
keeping her hands
out of reach

that's true
we're not
anyway here comes
your girlfriend Angela

she's not my girlfriend
she's a friend

she got up
and looked at me
and smiled
-she could smile
if she wanted to-

and walked off
and I studied her
narrow frame
the legs
the waist
the neat behind
and thanked God
I wasn't blind.

He swam
in the sea
of her moistness-
warm waves,

tide on tide,
her fingers,
shark like,
set about

his flesh as
of fish; -
who else
could swim

as such?
he recalled
the *******
hot finger tips

of her love,
the way
they dived
into waves

of oncoming
passions;
you-
you,

my young love,
he said,
I the youth,
diving, deep,

breath held,
eyes closed.
Where are you now,
my long ago love?

He asked,
in what waters
do you now dive?  
Or are you

in Davy Jones' Locker?
Or are you still alive?

And she crossed the room
Hoping the baby
Would be there, and that
Maybe she got it

Wrong those months ago
And that the cot would
Be full again with
Sound and movement and

That baby chuckle
Noise that got her down;
But as she looked in
To the cot, the space

Yawned wide and dark black
And empty, and the
Only sound was the
Echo of that dumb

Silence eating at
Her heart, undoing
Her mind from the start.

Night and the stars shine
You are there my little babe
Who died in my womb.

I had a bow
over my shoulder
and threes arrows
tucked in

a mother-made quiver
and was walking over
Meadow Row bomb site
with Janice beside me

-my Maid Marian-
what are you going
to shoot?
she asked

isn't it dangerous?
gran would say
it was dangerous
no the arrows

have got suckers
on the end
they're meant to stick
onto a surface

not enter into it
I said
so what are you going
to hit Benny?

a target on a wall
I tell her
she form an O
with her mouth

what target on a wall?
she said
as we came
to a brick wall

of a bombed out house
here will be the target
I said
she stood and watched

as I drew the outline
of a man with chalk
-a kid always has
a piece of chalk

in his pocket
as well as string
and marbles-
who is it meant to be?

she asked
doesn't look like
anyone I know
it's just a target

an outline of a man
I drew in eyes
nose and mouth
and a heart

and stand back
there is the target
I said
what now?

she said
I stand back a pace or so
and try hit the heart
with an arrow

I said
she nodded her head
so that her fair hair moved
and the red beret shifted

on her head
we walked back
a few paces
over the stones

and rubble
of the bomb site
until we reached
a distant I could hit

the drawn target
I removed the bow
from my shoulder
and took an arrow

from the quiver
and licked the sucker end
of the arrow
then placed the arrow

onto the string
and drew the arrow back
with my fingers
holding the **** firmly

will you hit his heart?
Janice said
I eyed along my arm
and arrow sucker

and at the drawn heart
and released the ****
and the arrow whizzed
through the air

and hit and stuck
to the wall
just on the edge
of the drawn heart

almost got it
Janice said
almost killed him
I walked to the target

and pulled off the arrow
it would have
killed him anyway
I said

can I have ago?
she asked
what if your gran
sees you?

I thought you said
she said it was dangerous?
she did
Janice said

but I won't tell her
I had ago
and she won't see me
what if she did?

I asked
she hesitated
taking the bow
from my hand

and she looked around
the bomb site
and over at the road
over the way

then back along
Meadow Row
satisfied her gran
was not around

she took the bow
from my hand
and the arrow
and attempted to put

the **** end
onto the string
how's it go?
she asked

I showed her
and her thin fingers
held the arrow in place
and the other thin fingers

held the bow
she closed an eye
and looked down
her thin arm

at her other hand
and the sucker end
of the arrow
got it?

I asked
got what?
she asked
the heart in view

I said
no I can't see it
you have
the wrong eye closed

I tell her
o
she said
and closed

the other eye instead
o yes now I see it
she said
as she drew back

the **** end
of the arrow
then she released it
and the arrow shot

through the air
and bounced off
the target
by the drawn head

it didn't stick
she said
you didn't licked
the sucker end

with spit
I said
yuk
she said

and handed me back
the bow
wiping her small hands
on her flowery dress

if gran had seen me
do that
I'd be in
for a good hiding

she said
I walked off
over the rubble
to get my arrow

and she stood watching
with the noon day sun
over her
fair haired head

you'd have killed
maybe
I called over
and said.

To Elaine
everything seemed large
where others
heard whispers

she heard loud bellowing
and vicious taunts
where others saw
light of day

and brilliant sunshine
she saw darkness
and storms
on the way

and the more she wanted
to hide away
from the world
the more it sought her out

like some black dog
of deep depression
at school she sat
at the front to hear

the teacher better
or at the back
to be unseen
and undisturbed

but then John spoke to her
and lifted the lid
and let in some light
and it seemed less dark

and seemed all right
but she wasn't sure
others had let her down before
pretended to be friends

or friendly then betrayed
or showed true colors
and joined the taunts
and jokes of others

the bell rang
for the end of history
and onward they all
sauntered to the next

dull lesson in little groups
or gangs or on
their own giving
chatter or joke

or idle moan
Elaine walked
just a little behind the rest
one step slowly

following the next
her frumpy being
looking through her glasses
at the passing walled art

or out of windows
showing the outer world
as large as giants
in fairy tales

she used to read
and thought
as she went by
the girl's toilets

the time she had the bleed
(none had told her
of the reason why
or when)

and she had sat there
in the stall
the splash of red
and whirling

of her head
and sat and sat
too frightened to move
until a girl

(one of the few)
knocked and asked
what she was doing?
and she said quietly

through the door
she was dying
or some such doing
she looked away

that girl had taken her
to the school nurse
and saved the day
and said nothing

to the others
as others may
have done
just for a laugh

or fun
she looked down
at her black
scuffed shoes

at the wooden floor
at the moving feet
just ahead
then he touched her arm

in passing
John on his way
to boring maths
he said

and smiled
and was gone
but she carried
his smile

and words
inside her head
like caged
wild birds.

I met Helen
by the Trocadero cinema  
after school
after tea

I mustn't be late
must be home
by 7 not 8
or my mum said
she'll tan my backside
a bright red
Helen said

ok I'll walk you
home in time
I said

we looked
at the photos outside
on the walls
and inside
in the foyer
of the film
and film stars
the coloured pictures
the bright lights

then we walked down
the road
to the subway
and down and up
the other side

and looked
at the photos
at the ABC
cinema

it was smaller
more compact
the glass doors
open
the inside
inviting

the bright lights
and large pictures
of the actors
and actresses
Robert Taylor
Doris Day
John Wayne
and others

then we walked
down the road
to the fish and chip shop
and looked in
through the window

what can we afford?
I asked

I have no money
she said

I've 6d
I said
that'll but us
some chips to share

so we went in
and asked
for 6d worth of chips
and the guy gave us
some crackling too

and we went over
by the wall and seats
and sat
in the warm
and ate our food

and she said
that boy Cogan
said I looked
like a four eyed chimp
do I?

no you look pretty
I said
he can't talk
he has glasses too
and looks
like a chimp
not you

she smiled
and took off
her thin wired
NHS glasses

and wiped them
on with the hem
of her dress
then put them
on again

and as we
looked outside
it was gushing down
with dull grey rain.

Frumpy
the other girls
called her
at school

and the boys
when they bothered
with her at all
which wasn't often

as they had
other girls
to chat up
or not at all

but play ball
or games
on field
Elaine sat in class

waiting for the bell
to ring for lunch recess
for the end
of the long morning

waiting to see John
(well 3 hours and over)
and she put her pens
and pencils away

and not hearing
what the teacher
might say
seeing only

his broad back
and raised hand
with chalk
and endless talk

over his shoulder
if only
she were bolder
she'd tell him

to ****** off
(such language
her mother
would say)

but she only
managed a cough
waiting
for the bell to ring

tense
sitting on the edge
of her chair
not wanting

to be there
the words India
and Bombay
came over

the shoulder
slinking her way
she sat and stared
at the broad back

suited in black
at least John had talked
to her before school
getting off the bus

something about a Jay
some bird he'd seen
she couldn't relate
or think where

a bird came into
the conversation
she had been so tense
her nerves on edge

her stomach churning
come on Frumpy
a girl said
at her left

bell's gone
had it?
she hadn't heard
the whole class rose

in a mass
and made
for the exit
books packing

noise making
laughter
and confidence expressing
unlike she

who sat momentarily
unsure if John
would be there
or not

she feeling cold
then hot
on life's edge
half wanting to cry

and then laugh
then cry again
she got up
with satchel

and books packed
and pencils
and pens
she made her way

out of the room
like one awaiting
execution
and dark gloom.

See this leg
that's not there?
Anne asks

Skinny Kid
lifting up
her red skirt

to show him
the leg stump
so he stares

at the leg's
fleshy stump
I see it

or I don't
he replies
and they sit

eyes to eyes
well it hurts
she tells him

even though
it's not there
beyond that

******* stump
of hot flesh
he notes her

dark of eyes
himself there
reflected

two of him
looking back
but none of

the penguins
-nursing nuns
in habits

black and white-
believe me
when I say

my leg hurts
or they say
Anne it's

in your head
not your leg
your leg's gone

nothing's wrong
do you Kid
believe me?

sure I do
the Kid says
what you say

I believe
Anne plants
a wet kiss

on the Kid's
pale white brow
that's good Kid

**** the nuns
and their doubts
and she waves

her thin hand
in the space
below the

fleshy stump
it hurts here
she tells him

or somewhere
there abouts.

Nadav had rough skin
when he touched
it was like sandpaper
rubbing flesh

girls have a habit
of boring me
to tears
he said

I looked
at Miss Ashdown's
broad behind
as she walked down

the aisle between desks
in class
her skirt swayed
like old ship's sails

all they talk of
is dolls and prams
and doll's clothes
and about whom

they'll marry
one day
I wondered
if Miss Ashdown's hips

wore away the wood
at the side
of the desks
as she walked

between them
I prefer boy's talk
of guns and battles
and wars and such

he said
I watched
as Miss Ashdown
turned and faced

the front of the class
her big bust
like battleship guns
do you like girl's talk?

Nadav asked
I like their gentleness
and softness
and smell of flowers

I said
but talk?
he said
what of that?

the knack
I said
is to listen
only to the last

few words of speech
to get the drift
of talk
Miss Ashdown

glared at Nadav
and threw
skill fully
chunks of chalk.

She thinks of him
as she lies in bed,
thinks of his last visit,
that time he brought her

cigarettes and chocs
and the tubby nurse said
it's not good for you all
these things , and Nima

had said is *** good for me?
the tubby nurse said
everything in its place,
and Nima had said show

me the place. She ought to
be up and dressed but
she can't be ****** or so
it seems in her mind, so it

seems if she can't have
her fix and can't go out
until the quacks say so.
Benedict has said he will

come like he came that
day for the first time and
she was so unaware that
he'd get there, but he did,

turned up and the nurse said,
you've got a visitor, she
thought her parents had
decided to come after all,

but it was Benedict standing
in the doorway holding
cigarettes and a wide smile.
She looks at a nurse passing by,

thinks of being up and out,
seeing Benedict in London,
but no, the quacks say not
until we've fixed the fix craving

as if...and that time he and
she had had a quickie in that
side room and smiles and lies
with eyes closed dreaming of

that time, supping on it in colour
and all like a small picture show,
and she watches it move on and go.

We made out on the beach;
in sand dunes,
not far from
the Mediterranean's reach.

After we lay
looking up
at the moon
and stars,
listening to
the sea's rush
on the sand
and a guitar
and singing
from the camp base party.

Wasn't it Pascal
who said infinite spaces
frightened him?
Miriam said.

Not fear
as we mean fear,
more an awe
at the infinity
of it all;
the stars and such,
I said.

Is kind of awesome;
makes you feel
kind of insignificant
in comparison.

That's what Pascal felt,
I think.

She put her hands
behind her head;
looked around her.

I wonder
if there is
a God?

Wonder is all
we can do;
either we think
He's there
or we don't;
no proof
either way.

She turned
and stared at me;
her hands still
cupping her head.

You won't tell anyone
what we did?
she said.

Of course not,
just us and ours.

She smiled;
unleashed her hands
and put a hand
on my shoulder.

It wasn't planned;
kind of spontaneous.

Yes, like buds
opening in Spring;
like day follows night.

She smiled again.

First time
I’ve had ***
on the sand.

I ran a hand
over her ****,
skimpy shorts,
warmth there.

A sound of music
from base camp
hung in the air.

Sure, he brought you lilac
And made the usual

Promises, but he *****
Other girls to get rid

Of frustration and get
His own back; that’s the kind

Of guy he is, always
Has been and always will,

Even his mother gives
Him a wide berth and has

Little to do with him,
Other than what most good

Mothers will if pushed to
Their limits and need to

Take account of who and
What their offspring is

Or was. Sure, he brought you
Chocolates and candy,

But he sleeps with other
Girls who are easy and

Handy and give him a
Good time and don’t hang on

To his every word and
Gaze and look and try to

Fit him into this type
Or that or into this

Way of being or gaze
At some wedding day book.

Sure, he kisses you all
Shyly and gentle, but

Behind your back, he
Drives dames mental with his

Wanting this and that and
Wanting it regular

And here and now and right
Upfront or behind or

Have *** anyhow. Sure,
He promises you many

Things, gifts and funny jokes
And is kindly to your

Mother, but unknown to
You or any other

He’s having *** with the
Girlfriend of your brother,

And that’s not a new thing
Or a one off or a sad

Mistake, he’s out to have
Any *** he can, be

It gladly given or
What he can gladly take.

That hospital ward in 87
and you a young
3 year old
with an  infected leg.

You and I sitting
by the window
looking at the scene
and the trains going by
every now and then.

And the nurses
trying to get you
to take the medicine
and you fighting them off
and wiggling
and then after
they got it in your mouth
you let it drip out
of the side of your mouth
with that infamous smile.

That last time
in hospital in 2014,
with something more deadly,
the dark ward,
bed by the window,
you alone, adult now,
I saw you there,
huddled over,
puffed up,
seemingly neglected,
and I went
and rattled
the nurse's cage
about you
and the treatment
or lack of.

That last time we spoke,
mundane questions,
you ill, soft spoken,
fighting to breathe,
no infamous smile,
no last famous words,
just a reluctance
to say good bye
and leave.

Sheila stares
at the wall
of her room

on her bed
thoughts on John
what he said

his soft touch
of her hand
as he got

on the bus
leaving her
standing there

at the school
tomorrow
we will talk

he had said
she lies there
on her bed

on her side
staring hard
other thoughts

pushed aside
her mother
is downstairs

finishing
the washing
the dinner

is cooking
her brother's
in his room

listening
to Elvis
she can hear

the LP
being played
too loudly

she moves on
to her back
staring at

the ceiling
trying to
cope with this

inner love
sick feeling.

Elaine got off
the school bus
following her younger sister
not sure if John

was on the bus
or not
she didn't look
although she had been

tempted many times
to look about her
but she just stared
out the window

at the passing view
listening to others
talking and laughing
wondering if John

was there
and if he had been
looking at her
she walked on

by the school fence
her sister went off
with a friend
into the girls' playground

she looked
at her shoes
scuffed
black

her white
ankle socks
looking
now and then

at the passing feet
of others
not looking
but staring

waiting
for the school bell
to ring
can we still talk?

a voice asked
she looked up
John was standing there
with that quiff of hair

that hazel eyed stare
she blushed
and looked at him
talk about what?

she asked moodily
looking at his
loosely tied tie
anything

as long
as we can talk
he said
she didn't feel

like talking
or listening
but she did
she was in

such a depressed mood
that she thought that
any moment she
was going to cry

and she didn't want
him or others
to see her cry
she looked behind him

at passing girls
their hair
all arranged neatly
you're not going

to kiss me again
are you?
she said
he looked at her

then at her hair
not if you don't
want me to
he said

although at that moment
he wanted to
because he wanted
to make the oddness

of the day before right
to get them back
to some kind
of friendship again    

she wasn't sure
if she felt relieved or not
part of her
wanted him

to kiss her
to show others
that someone
did find her attractive

and that she wasn't
just a 14 year old
frump as others
called her

we can't talk now
she said
the bell will soon go
maybe lunch time

at recess?
he nodded
sure
he said

I’ll look out for you
O by the way
I saw a Jay yesterday
she looked at him

there was a small smile
on his lips
Jay?
she said

it's a bird
he said
don't see them often
but it was in

our garden briefly
O
she said
not knowing

what else to say
about a bird
I’ll show you
a picture

in my bird book
at recess
if you like
he said

she nodded
and a smile spread
on her lips
the book of birds

he kept in that
coat pocket of his
she thought
the school bell rang

and he said
see you later
and touched her hand
and was gone

she she sensed
his touch still there
warming moving along
her nerves

like a fire
opening up
a small unknown
deep down desire.

Her mother poured tea

her father sat talking
about his day at work

her sister sat eating
her jam and cheese sandwich

Elaine sat looking
into space
her eyes vacant

cat got your tongue?
her mother said
gazing at her
the teapot mid-air

her father looked at her
perhaps she found herself
a boyfriend
and smiled

some hopes
her sister said
more chance of you
winning at horses Dad

Elaine blushed
and tried to look
uninterested
in the conversation
such as it was or wasn't

so who's the boy
who's in love
with my Frumpy Hen?
the father said

no boy at all
Elaine said
just thinking

that requires a brain
her sister said
with a mouthful
of jam and cheese
sandwich

her mother said
what boy
I never heard
of a boy?

there is no boy
it's just Dad
having his joke
Elaine said
going red
feeling her body
become hot  

I was going to say
you're too young yet
for boys and their
nonsense
you're just 14
why when I
was your age
boys were not
even on the agenda
why my dad'd
strap me one if
he thought I'd been
messing with boys

Elaine couldn't get
a boy to look at her
let alone mess
about with her
her sister said
munching the mouthful

Elaine tried to bring
her heart into
a steady pace
her pulse was racing
she sensed her blood
rushing through her body
like lava down a volcano

I can't imagine
our Elaine with a boy
anyway
her father said
maybe a boy
with a white stick
he joked
with a guide dog

Elaine gazed at her father
and frowned

only joking
my Frumpy Hen
I dare say
you'll get some one
someday

not before she's older
her mother said
sitting at the table
not before she's
much older
can't have a girl
her age with boys
and all they get up to
like that Mrs Kimp's daughter
out all hours with boys
coming along the road
with a boy on her arm
not right and she
no older that Elaine here

Elaine tried to imagine
herself some place else
as she ate a ham sandwich
feeling like gagging
on it

if she was a daughter of mine
I'd give her what for
the mother said
sitting uneasy
on the chair
gazing at Elaine's
young sister
not at Elaine

I'm not thinking
of a boy
Elaine lied
feeling her body unfold
her heart racing along

good job too
her mother said
you're my good girl
giving Elaine a smile
as John crept
into Elaine's thoughts
all the while.

We lie there
on the grass
in the park
of St James

young Nima
and young me
both smoking
looking up
at the sky

you know what?
she utters
if I don't
get a fix
pretty soon
I'll dry out
be withered
like a nun's
******

you won't get
out of that
hospital
or get those
mind quacks off
of your case
if you get
more fixes
I tell her

I know that
my parents
tell me that
when they come
to visit
both doctors
of a kind

what about
having ***?
are you up
for a ****?
she says loud
disturbing
the wild ducks
near by us
and others
passing by

not right here
I tell her

of course not
some place else

what place else?

some hotel
some cheap joint
like we did
a month back

not today
getting late
you've to be
back in that
hospital
before long
I inform

she looks round
stares at me

can't go on
not like this
I'll go slit
my **** wrists
if I don't
get a fix
or a ****

she lies back
on the grass
cigarette
held aloft
like some young
movie star
in a role

I lie there
watching clouds
and birds fly
and thinking
of the ***
that we had
in that cheap
hotel room
on that bed
that made sounds
like migraine
in the head.

The French
peasant monk,
head bowed,
walks

through the cloister,
carrying two buckets
full with milk
from the farm,

his eyes full
of earth's colour.
I wash
in the cold water

from the icy jug,
the cloister seen
from the window above;
I feel her legs

about me,
bringing me in;
there
in the waters

of her passion,
I nearly drown.
The old monk
allows the bell rope

to rise
through his hands,
then
pulls it down.

Netanya met me
at the rail station
and we got the train

to the coast
for the evening air
and sight of sea

and just be
he asked
where are you going?

and I said
that's for me to know
and you to guess

I told him
Netanya said
the sight of the sea

and moonlight
and the sound of waves
and smell of salt

made the trip out
with her special
does he guess

who you are with?
I asked
she looked out

at the horizon
a ship passed by
shadowy

in the evening light
he can guess
all he likes

won't make
any difference
she said

we walked along
by the beach
she held my hand

her wedding ring
had been removed
the green raincoat

tied tight
against
the evening wind

must seem odd to him
that you choose
to go out

rather than stay in
and watch TV
I said

are you sorry
I asked you out?
she said

no
just curious
as to why?

I said
she looked at me
with her dark eyes

think I love you
she said
then looked away

at the sea
dangerous three words
I said

but meant
she said
not easy to admit that

about someone
guess not
I said

how do you feel
about me?
she asked

I like being with you
I said
I think of you a lot

and?
she said
what does that mean?

I smelt the salt
strong
hitting the lungs

clearing the head
love you a lot
I said.

YOU'VE GOT NITS!
Helen's mum
bellowed out

who've you been
locking heads
with at school?

Helen said
a girl's name
sit elsewhere

have to sit
where we're put
Helen cried

kneeling down
as her mum
combed her hair

with a comb
her mum sighed
I'm sorry

not your fault
her mum said
kissing her

daughter's tear
dampened cheek
Helen's hair

was washed with
Derbac soap
and her mum

combed her hair
through and through
then later

rinsed it through
and combed it
and combed it

what a stink
that stuff's got
her mum said

without her
spectacles
Helen was

almost blind
just a blur
of colours

and odd shapes
but the damp
kiss on cheek

would last her
long after
the Derbac
shampoo's reek.

Ayez-vous
le temps ?

the dame
said to me

in Paris.
It's past

my bedtime,
I replied;

I really must
snuggle up

with teddy
and a glass of milk.

Lizbeth holds
Benedict’s
father's bike

while sitting
on her own
waiting for

Benedict
to return
from the hedge

with bird's eggs
or the shells
of blackbirds

he had seen
once nest there
she is bored

she wants more
and other
things than this

bird watching
or looking
out for those

butterflies
she wants ***
not nature

study *****
Benedict
where are you?

she calls out
just coming
he replies

if only
she muses
watching bees

on flowers
the soft buzz
butterflies

going by
fluttering
Benedict

she calls out
where are you?
here I am

he replies
coming out
of a hedge

clutching blue
black speckled
eggshell bits

in his palm
look at that
fine eggshells

he says soft
she looks strained
her eyes scan

the eggshells
in his hand
is that it?

just eggshells​?
lucky find
he replies

tucking them
in the black
saddlebag

on the bike
she watches
his fingers

how gently
they arrange
the eggshells

in the bag
can we go
to that hut

on the Downs
that you found?
she asks him

he buckles up
the black bag
I guess so

he replies
it's not big
just an old

shepherd's hut
unused now
is it far?

she asks him
ten minutes
walk away

he replies
we can't ride​?
she asks him

too hilly
he replies
her lips pout

and she sighs
only way
he tells her

ok then
she replies
so they ride

to the foot
of the Downs
leaving their

two bicycles
by a tree
and walk up

and along
the pathway
between trees

he thinking
of a nest
he'd seen there

the last time
Robin's nest
he believes

she thinking
of hot ***
in the shed

on the floor
on the old
bath towel she'd

brought from home
she and he
all alone

Benedict
unaware
walks and sniffs

the fresh air
thinking of
possible

robin's eggs
and of them
getting there.

Some days after school
having slipped by her mother’s vision

she met you in the back woods
by the pool

and you were there
in the your tee shirt and jeans

and she stood there
for a moment

in her blouse and skirt
and you stared at each other

taking in the beauty
you saw there

enjoying the moment
the big now

shutting out the bird song
the rabbits by the trees

the far off sound of traffic
and she broke out and said

had a job get by her scanner eyes
had to slip out

before she gave out the chores
and she came over to you

standing there
and stood real close

so that you could sense her body
just about touching yours

her perfume teasing
your nostrils

stirring your body
and then she closed her eyes

and kissed your lips
and it was like

a first day of creation
as if God had said

there you go
feel the love

sense the glow
and you did

and it seemed an eternity
but was merely minutes

glued and touched
and wet and warm

then you sensed
the rain coming

and distant storm
and then the raindrops

hit the pool like small bullets
and grabbing her hand

you ran through the trees
away from the pool

carrying the memory of a kiss
and a bird’s lone call.

Your youngest sister
wears your blue
and white coat now,
my son; it brings her
some comfort
since your
sudden death.

She zips it up close,
to keep her warm,
thinking you
are still there inside,
to keep her safe.

I remember
you wearing
that white
and blue coat,
on your way
to work or back,
or out for the day
in all climes.

They were
the good days,
good times.

You use to zip it up
close to your chin
to keep the cold out,
the warmth in;
hands in the pockets,
elbows back,
like some large bird
about to take off
on a long flight.

You have taken off now;
set your soul's keel
to the open sea
of eternity.

I sometimes dream
of you at night,
see you as you were
before the stain
of death approached;
your smile spreading,
your blue eyes bright.

I could have counted
the buttons

on her green
school cardigan;

could laid my head
on her soft lap,

on the green skirt;
gazed up

at the blue skies;
seen her

looking down
at me,

her eyes
dark pearls

in white cases;
but the school bell

had tolled
for the end

of recess,
and we had

to go back in.
The afternoon

was numbed
by her absence,

the teacher
rattling on

about some
scientific wonder,

left me out
in the cold,

seeing
in my mind's eye,

she,
her beauty,

her eyes,
her smile,

against the backdrop
of a bright blue sky.

Deep within
where none else goes

the hard grief grows
and just when you think

you are moving on a bit
it comes back

with the painful hit
moving you back

to yesteryears
which move to tears

the little boy
the growing lad

young man
grown man

and deep loved son
all wrapped up in one

big bundle of memories
unfolding and moving

and having moved
to edge of hurt and pain

the whirlpool
of all emotions spin

in that secret chamber
deep within

where none else goes
the deep grief grows

Bill feels the weight
Of the gun, moves
It in the palm
Of his hand, puts
His finger on

The stiff trigger,
Raises it and
Aims. The woman’s
Fragile head would
Have exploded

Had he loaded
The gun, but he
Hadn’t, it was
Just for fun, just
For practising.

She passes by
In the busy
Sidewalk below
Unaware she’d
Been in his sights,

Her head still in
One piece, her brains
Intact. He’d put
A few women
Away in his

Time, but mostly
Men, taken out,
Targeted, by
Gun or hands or
Blown apart or

Drowned in their baths
By accident
Of course. He tucks
The gun away,
Wipes his hands on

His coat, takes out
A cigarette,
Lights it up, and
Inhales. He used
To often dream

Of having his
Father in his
Sights in deep sleep
Nights; seeing the
Fatherly head

Blown wide and all
The things he used
To say, the WASP
Thoughts, prejudices
Shot far away.

He smiles, exhales
And remembers
His mother’s kind
Ways and tender
Kisses, with her

Ignorance of
His dark work and
Killing hands and
Undercover
Days and nights, who

Knew nothing of
The CIA,
Black ops, or the
Secret wars; just
Wanted to love

Him deeply, chide
Him gently for
Not loving his
Own father or
Doing the chores.

A French monk wipes
the shell of an egg
on the serge of black.

He walks slowly
in sandaled feet
across the cloister,
his shadow following
close behind.

I pick apples
from the apple trees
in the abbey orchard,
my fingers twisting
as I'd be shown

-she mouthed
my fingers
one by one,
******* them
to a strawberry ripeness-

Dom Leo takes
the breviary
from the shelf
beside his hip,
opens to the right page,
eyes scanning
the script

- I watched her
as she slowly stripped.

Natanya threw a cup
and *** and saucepan
and I stood there
wondering what the heck

what this outburst
was all about
but a knife
whizzed by my ear

and I shouted at her
but she wasn't listening
she fled upstairs
cursing

babbling about
some girl
whose name
she had found

in a notebook of mine
and address too
she said
who is she?

Who?
This girl here?
What girl?
This one here

she shoved
the notebook at me
O her
I said

she was a girl
I stopped for shop-lifting
the other day
and I had to note

her name and address
for the police
Natanya stared at me
her dark eyes

bright and sharp
likely story
she said
you've been

seeing her
behind my back
and probably
bedded her

in that ****
workplace of yours
there was spittle
on her lower lip

ask Ron
he was there
he saw her too
he has her name

in his book too
O sure
he probably
had her too

she said
that is scraping
the bottom of barrel
I said

ask the manager
he saw
the notebook too
or do you think he

had the girl too?
Natnaya shut up
and looked
at the bed

behind her
I suppose
I made a mistake
she said quietly

yes
I said
I don't suppose
you have time?

she said
looking towards
the made up bed
not now

not after this
maybe later
I said
giving her a parting kiss.

As soon as she closed her bedroom door Sophia began to undress daj spokój she said in Polish come on she said in English Benedict stood staring what if your parents come back? he said they not come for ages she said go out to dinner with friends but Benedict was unsure he stood there watching her undress you just come to watch? she said standing there in her underclothes we have only just come back from the cinema he said can't we just have a coffee first and maybe think about it? no we not time for coffee we have *** she said gazing at him sternly he began to take off his clothes listening out for voices or a door closing or opening not worry they not be back we have hours before they back she said removing the last of her clothes and pulling back the bed covers he looked at the bed at the pillows at her standing there completely bare your father speaks little good English last time I was here he misunderstood me then how can I explain this? not time to explain now she said getting into the bed and watching him ******* reluctantly his eyes on her his heart pumping fast imagining her father coming up the stairs and finding him there she patted the bed beside her I am ready she said let us get going he stood undressed and climbed into the bed beside her she turned and switched off the lamp beside the bed then turned to face him again he saw her outline in the light of the moonlight coming through the window she touched his pecker with her slim fingers he felt unready for anything he wanted to go home and be somewhere safe she kissed him and put a hand on his back he put his hand on her thigh felt soft skin I see you have no crucifix on your wall above the bed like your parents have he said no I don't want Jesus see me at night in bed or get up in morning she said my parents are old fashion Catholics I think differently about things she kissed him on the lips her tongue entered his mouth and moved around his tongue he gagged and she moved her tongue away and sat back what matter now? first you have no stiff now you not like the tongue why you here? she said moodily he sighed you said come back to your place for coffee nothing about this he said you not like me not fancy me? she said yes I do but I’m not ready he said we wait a while she said laying back on the pillow he lay back too they faced each other neither touching how long have you lived here in England? he asked I came when I was nine years old he nodded your mother she's Italian? Sophia nodded yes my father he Polish they met after the War in Italy she said why did they come here to live? he asked my father come here with a job he get and bring us here too she said her hand felt for his pecker and touched he stirred looked at her in the semi-dark he touched her leg with his right hand she kissed him and put a hand around his neck you like me? she asked yes I do but what if your parents come back? you worry too much they not come back yet she said licking her lips she pulled him closer to her body you not like ***? she asked he sighed and looked past her at the window at the moonlight yes I do but I can't relax just in case he said in case of what? I tell you not come back long time she said in a fast movement she was on top of him and leaning breathing over him licking his chest he lay there pinned to the bed I really can't he said yes you can she said I feel stiffness of it she said come on we have it he looked past her head at the patterns on the ceiling made by the moonlight and trees swaying she worked on him and moved and moved and he sensed her moving and the light came and went the moonlight gone then there he put his hands on her thighs and felt a swimming sensation as if he were in water or swaying or he didn't know what but the bed moved and so did she and he and the moonlight was gone and there was darkness and perfume and body and lips and he felt himself as if swimming fast as waves lifted him and let him down then up and he thought he heard sirens or maidens or voices  and her lips were on his and her tongue entered and he swallowed her up and or though he had and she said come come and he heard angels sing or maidens moan or sirens on rocks or voices downstairs or calling voices from the shore was her parents or sea waves and she brought him around and over and now he was riding the waves of the sea and she lay there spread like an eagle wings wide and he kissed her lips her neck her cheek her nose as he dipped and rose and she began to sing or sigh or laugh or call and the waves lifted high and then low and he kissed her ******* then he swam and swam as he rose and fell and sounds came and went maidens calling angels singing or calls from a far off shore lights flashed in his head or was it the wall and she entered her tongue and **** and **** and he skimmed the high waves and slide into the rise and fall and voices or angels singing or maidens calling from a nearby shore was that her parents calling or singing he wasn't sure.

Back at school
Jupp says no
he doesn't

want to know
which one girl
in the class

of 2C
looks at him
and likes him

it's playtime
the sun's out
boy's playground

with ballgames
and card games
she seems to

I tell him
all the same
those **** girls

he tells me
just a game
or a trick

I show him
a coin trick
handkerchief

and penny
anyone
can do that

young Jupp says
moodily
watch this then

I tell him
he watches
the coin trick

once again
but it's gone
in thin air

and he stands
mouth open
while the girl

from her playground
studies him
tufty hair

dull blue eyes
somewhere there
her love lies.

We were sitting
on the pram sheds
by the *****
that went down
from the Square
looking towards
Meadow Row

had to sleep
in the small bed
last night
Lydia said
all because my big sister
wanted her Spiv boyfriend
to stay over night
and Dad was at work
on one of his
far away journeys
and Mum couldn't be bothered
with her and so
he was in the bed
I shared with her

what would your dad say
if he knew?
I asked

he'd be livid he would
but he isn't here
so my big sister
gets away with things

what's wrong
with the little bed?

it's uncomfortable
and the springs are broken
and I hate it

Lydia looked
at the passers-by
going along the *****

my brother gets to have
his own bed
but not me
she added bitterly

I share with my little brother
I said
he's ok
so how long is the Spiv
going to stay?

until my dad gets back
I suppose
she'd daren’t once he's back

I nodded
watching an old woman
going up Meadow Row
carrying two bags
her backside swaying
side to side
her black hat lopsided

let's give that old girl
a hand with her bags
I said

what old girl?
Lydia said

her up Meadow Row

I jumped down
and ran across the grass
over the low metal fence
and across Rockingham Street

Lydia followed me
and when we caught up
to the woman
I said
can we help you
with those bags Mrs?

she stood upright
and gawked at us both

where do you live?
Lydia asked
out of breath already

just up the top there
she said
but I would appreciate it
if you could help

so we did
took a bag each
and walked up
the top of the Row with her
she talking
about her health
(or lack of it)
and how her son
was killed in the War
and her daughter
was in Kent

Lydia said nothing
but carried the bag
with both hands
and I answered
the old dear
when I thought I ought to
carrying the bag
in one hand
giving the impression
it wasn't heavy
when it was

we stopped outside
her house
on the left hand side

thank you both
it was very kind of you
she said
here have 3d each
for your help

no no need
of your money Mrs
you keep it
just glad to help

I insist
she said
you deserve it

so she gave us both
a 3d piece
and smiled at us
and went inside
with her bags
and closed the door

we looked at the coins
in our palms
not quite enough
for a Mars Bar
but it will get us a drink
and gob-stopper
I said

Lydia put her coin
in her dress pocket
and we walked back
to the pram sheds

she said
I’ll be glad when Dad's back
then I can sleep
in my own bed

I thought of the 3d
and what to buy
going around
in my head.

See my bridegroom comes,
said Sister Clare, He comes
swift as birds of Spring, His
voice echoes within, His

touch wakes me from deep
slumber, unfetters me from
my sad sins; His eyes watch
me, they run over me like

flowing water, look into my
soul like dawn's light; He is
my keeper, my protector, His
hand caresses me in my deepest

darkness, His fingers raise
my chin, lift my head, His
fingers touch my heart, wake
me from my selfness, my

obsession with my me; He
comes into my heart, He is
the kisser of life, the waker
of sleepers in the grave; I

wait for Him in the night
when the darkness embraces,
seek His company when
demons touch and ******;

He is my bridegroom, my
love, I seek Him out like
one for water as I thirst,
I listen for his footsteps in

the break of dawn, I kiss
Him as one kisses one's
deepest love, I am only
happy when He is near,

when His voice awakes
me. He is my safe ship
out in the dark deep sea.

Sometimes,
my son,
I just want
to be numb;
I want to wake
to bird song
and fresh morning air,
not human voice,
not the distant traffic's hum.

Sometimes,
my son,
I want the numbness
to envelope me,
to swallow me whole,
to keep out
the hurt and pain,
the breaking up
of heart
and ache of head,
pretending
you're not dead.

The numbness,
my son,
how it seems
to put things
in perspective,
allows the past
to dissolve
into a vague series
of images,
hoping to be lost,
forgetting the cost.

Sometimes, Ole,
I want to be numb,
need the feelings to go,
the pain to ease,
the last words
to freeze.

Only the drugged
sleep aids,
my son,
only the dreamless sleep
like sister death,
helps me
for a few hours
to unwind
the inner clock's
wound up spring.

Sometimes,
my son,
the drugs don't work,
the pain remains,
and I don't want the drink
to take hold again
to numb the pain.

Sometimes,
my son,
I just want
a numbness to ease,
the words be
temporally forgotten,
the visions seen,
packed away
for another day,
when I feel stronger,
when the loss of you,
hurts less(if ever),
and the night to day
questions come less
or do so no longer.

Some days,
my son,
I just want
to be numb.

Anne rubs
her leg stump
sometimes it's

very hot
and itches
other times

it throbs hard
with the pain
that's how it

is again
so she rubs
the leg stump

and looks at
other kids
on the lawn

of the home
for the sick
some playing

on the swings
or the slide
some sitting

at tables
playing games
on game boards

but she's stuck
sitting there
in a chair

with one leg
and one stump
itching bare

then a nun
who's nursing
says to her

cover up
your leg stump
and don't rub

or you will
make it sore
but Anne

being she
says up yours
lifts her skirt

and rubs her
stump some more.