Type A, I'm your gal
competitive, time aware
ordered and organized
in these do I Excel

to everything, an explanation
I seek to discover
like in math,
there must be an answer

but this, I think is different
life, you're a mystery to me
no sense in finding sense
disappointment will commence

so confused do I remain,
weak, tired, broken down
"It's not that big of deal," I say
"My Savior wears the Victor's crown!"

i want to stop by
i want to laugh
cry
help me
listen to her
good things
bad things
God things
craft things together
eat together
work together
HW together
drive together
memories
pictures
TEXTS
calls
love
love
love

the same.

incessant confusion
left wondering
waiting for love
looking, lacking
physically present,
emotionally absent
arithmetic prison
reputation upheld
in front of
jealous outsiders
searching for substitutes
held in the arms of another
irreparable only if unwilling

even so,
we dance

searching for satisfaction
try again, wrong
dead-end prescription
lost cause lover
dark world, a lasting hope
mutually exclusive

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

I strive to
live light,
roam the earth, delicate tread
unclenched fists
rid of superfluous
stranger here
no sense in
nesting in permanence

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

Out of place,
understanding
home is elsewhere
not  here, not here
found the answer
1:5, be the light

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

I reflect critically.
Is this skill crucial?
Do you think?

sensitive extreme
third degree feeling
raw; infantile;
pathetic;
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to be

life burns
like the noon sun on my white skin
like barefoot patters on the rooftop

but you,

your contact is a cool sizzle
your touch is a drop of water on the hot stove
your hand on my back
soothes the swirling, spinning
chaotic tangles of thoughts

I'm a puzzle
& you're the missing piece

Totally oblivious.
No warning.
The call came.
I was summoned.

Head-on collision of confrontation  
Did I say just enough?
Too much?
I need this.

Was this it?
Was this my chance?
Add it to the list of the things I ruin.

Retrospect brings regret.
Oh, how I wish things different.
Too obvious and yet too discrete.
I need this.

I leave with hope.
Someone cares.

the absence pangs me
the separation aches in my chest
your touch
your smell
empty, I sit;
fragmented
your voice
your eyes
waiting, I wonder
waiting, I wander
object permanence escapes
Is this it?
Have you left me?
security untaught
regulation gap
desperate cling and
misunderstood intention
the cyclical mess
I can't undo

The house seems still, quiet, empty.
Dawn breaks and her feet hit the cold wooden floor.
The aroma of coffee swirls through the air, meeting the cool breeze,
while the birds are singing the song of a new day.

Morning presses on.
Discontentment creeps in slyly through the door.
There's always some chore that finds itself unavoidable.
She mustn't sit in solemn despair.

Flipping through the channels over and over.
Dusting the shelves time and again.
Reading, writing, baking.
None the cure for the unrest of a widow.

Lunch prepared for two, but present, only one.
Picking and nibbling, but nothing seems to satisfy.
She starts the dishes to pass the time.
Bubbles forming, suds splashing.

She can't resist.
There's no escape.
Her mind lands on his precious reminiscence.
As melancholy as it seems, she knows there is hope to be found.

Still, the afternoon seems to have no end.
She finds herself aimlessly wandering.
Memories resurface with every glance.
Shutting her eyes seems to be no help.

She finds her day drawing to a close.
Her heart impossible to mend.
For she cannot be whole without her other half.
This is the burden she unwillingly carries.

A lonely game of solitaire awaits.
Companionship long over due.
Nothing seems to fill the void.
But life beats on.

You were supposed to take it all away.
You were supposed to make me forget
You were supposed to provide me a release
You were supposed to signal help
You were supposed to control the chaos
You were supposed to be there for me
You were supposed to distract me
You were supposed to help
You were supposed to make me feel alive
You were supposed to match my outside to my inside
You were supposed to make me feel better
You were supposed to

but all you are is an anesthetic turned to poison.

Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart
leave no traces, no messes, be smart
atmosphere turned stiff, discontinued peace
learning is over, mistakes and laughter must cease
unacceptable failure, of knowledge impart

garage door sounds, to my refuge I dart
hiding and losing myself in my art
incomplete sentiment, paternal caprice
Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart

referring to the start
not always better apart
wrinkled fabric of our bond starts to crease
irreversibly rumpled, turning elsewhere for release
ugly routine, inherited in part
Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart

trouble finds me
I control my response
hear my crying plea
to Your will, I ensconce
to this very minute
with intention am I here
feeling lost along the route
Lord, incinerate my fear
trusting in Your direction
I don't ask to take away
but rather provide me protection
as I navigate the gray
With boldness, I proclaim,
"Lord, glorify your name!"

a nobody, I want to be
unnoticed, hiding ghost
acknowledged, at most
back row degree

forgotten appointee
internally engrossed
a nobody, I want to be
unnoticed, hiding ghost

not even t. leigh
always guest, never host
hesitant, whispered boast
passed by, my plea
a nobody, I want to be

quiet moment
still heart
dewy morning
lost art
expectant wait
learning patience
busy thoughts
His command
ponder beauty
grand plan
open doors
fostered strength
wings developed
total rock
testing times
open cage
invisible binds

fly, girl

fly.

seeking an answer
every notion falls short
nearing despair
she whispers her fear
err any rationalization
logical solution does not
exist here, upset
she carries her
sorrows nestled close

The rain has finally ceased, leaving none untouched and dry.
Your eyes fall upon a flower, so still, so innocent.
Crooked and bent from the undying wind,
you, its savior from its relentless master.
Plucking it from its roots, you caress the twisted stem.
Uneven is the surface, thanks to its defense of prickly thorns.
Following the shape, winding like a staircase, your fingers make their way to the top.
O, rose, show me an ounce of your majesty!
The aroma captivates your senses.
All hairs stand on end.
So delicate are the petals - spinning, twirling, all t'wards el centro.
How gentle her creator must be!
Weighed down by drops of dew, the petals droop lower.
Even so, each radiates brilliance beyond compare.
In closer you look, so curious and caring.
In it you find no scientific discovery, yet such an incomparable treasure.
In your hands, you hold enlightenment.
As this rose was trampled on the ground,
so are you reminded of One, who did the same for you.

scandal is attached to her name
trapped pain demands to escape her thin frame
you are not too much to handle
though your arm, you vandal
darling, there's no more reason for shame

hanging her head in surrender
echoing the life He did tender
nothing that I bear in life
could outweigh His temptation rife
Praise our Conqueror of splendor!

"As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."
Thick and thin
Tired, sick, hungry,
no matter what the circumstance
you're to remain

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I'm the worst kind
I feel nothing but shame
I want to rip my arms
Fight for me to stay sane
I feel *****
let me clean
I feel useless
give me something to do

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I've gotten myself stuck
wrapped in emotion
hands tied, I am grounded
long to flee
long to be free
final straw, ready to run

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

desperate affection, abrasive arm
endless feeling of defeat, battle lost
malnourished sense of control, inflict harm

sweaters or wristlets, my heart starts to frost
scars you see and frown; evil, tempting vice
protect sure release, no matter the cost

unmanageable circumstance, I slice
wounded, but trying; please, tell me you're proud
losing familiar friends, the highest price

invisible, I cry out, feelings cloud
conflicted internally, loved despite
torn up wrist, warm embrace; wrap in a shroud

Passing, leaving
Coming, going
The ebb and flow of knowing
is full of feeling.

Comparably, vulnerability brings
harder falls
but higher peaks
I am no gambler.

Magnet to me.
Never leave.
Irreversibly, your lover.
Permanently wed.

Hold me, hold me...

Exit stage left.
And you never come back.

Locked inside,
lonely, but void of all other feeling--
a novacain heart.
Susceptible to sentiment, no longer.

How do you love when love always leaves?





I don't know how

simple tasks are hard to accomplish
when you hold a crippling lack of confidence
unless you're described as pompous,
there will be a question of your competence
I'm longing for a healthy balance
reveal the mean of humility and vanity
ridding dependence of a gallant
no answer in isolation from humanity
decisions made out of insecurity
often leads to regret
brinking abandon of reliant maturity
ideal me, only a silhouette
paralyzing doubt
let me out, let me out

exemplar in more ways than one, she sits close to my heart,
unknowingly impacting my attitude with love, she shared
her spoken mantra, stunningly simple yet almost an art
"I can do hard things" .............................................. I stared.
ridding myself of former thought
I chose to adopt the song as my own
I saw old habits begin to rot,
as the melody melted my heart of stone
soon enough, the doubt creeps in
I sway and fall, I stumble and falter
say it like a broken record and hold up your chin
you've seen it's power, a life it can alter
wash away old thinking that caused you to waver
an incessant challenging of that deprecation and find you in your favor

Moving through the transitions of life
Oh, show me how to navigate

The shadow of my former self
fades faster with every move

She's run away,
she hides,
she won't come back.

Stay, stay, please stay.

If you go, along with you
travels the hope
of the return of me

She will be lost forever
Please, if you must leave,



don't forget me.

This. This is why I shut.
Everything was getting good -
as I look back, my foot slips in a rut
I'd rather go it alone -- if I could
If I weren't pushed, I'd forever take the easy way
I'm unconvinced vulnerability is worth the pain
the fabric of my heart is prone to fray
the strength you instilled is quick to wane
where are you when I need you now
letting you see me backfired somehow
uncertain of how much more my heart will allow
my indignant mind won't budge its disavow
you've provided me without what I've desired
yet, the depths of me cries out, "I'm tired"

The sun drops lower,
but have you not any fear.
It shall rise again.

the wrongs I recall, written and remembered
if only, if only able we could be, to squash the evil of desire
tendency to choose destruction, despite all the blessings tendered
Hansel to Eden, from the commencement of creation, we deserve fire
any good I manage to muster will never add up, as I try to no avail
St. Paul relates the word well, thought and action in no agreement
measure the deeds of my past, evil tipping the scale
immoral my only nature, no matter how vehement
even as I sit, my hands idle -- my mind capable of harm
relentless, the inclination to sin
I need help to resist the serpent's charm
because my heart is filled to the brim with the weight of chagrin
but we do not boast in actions our own
humanity has never, will never see a greater Love shown

Is there a place for everyone here,
in a world so spacious, so vast?
Lies are told. Rumors spread. People sneer.
Must her future be determined by her past?
She questions her existence.
Desperately, she searches for someone to trust.
She falls to her knees, and prays with might.
No more does she want to look at her reflection with disgust.
Troubles left and right, and her head is spinning.
Emotions fill her, overwhelming her being.
Can anyone relieve her from all her sinning?
There's got to be a light, she's just not seeing.
You see, even though she feels like she's dwindling,
there's a flame of hope who the Man up above is kindling.

Why can't I tattoo
"I'm sorry"
on my forehead

artist Achilles
a walking contradiction
necessarily somber

exceptional work
none can compare; high a price
melancholy makes art best

She awoke dull and dismal
The clouds mirrored her emotions
The day was hers
but he'd come and ****** it away

Of that, she was sure.

Mustering an energy she didn't have,
she willed herself out of her bed
to leave the comfort of hiding

She doesn't bother with the shades
Sunshine was a stranger to her heart, anyway.

Neglecting the normality of a morn'ng routine
She threw on a sweater to warm her cold soul
and poured her coffee - black - to match.

Ambition does not belong
in the dictionary of her life
Life? Hardly.
She is the walking antonym of motivated

But there is a place
where she feels alive

In a damp, dark, ***** basement
filled with bats, wheels, earth, and glaze.

Wasting the gray day away,
taking refuge in the arts

Wedging, centering, shaping, stop.
Trimming, firing, glazing, stop.
Lost in the process,
lost in her thoughts.

She can breathe again.
She rises to the battle.

He will not win.

It took him years
to build the strength
to one day venture back

The house, so still
so cold, so ghostly
dressed in solemn black

He could not see
past his childhood of hurt
to find forgiveness in his heart

His only feeling - resentment -
The memories too close
The affection too distant

As he sits across the way
fidgeting, picking at the grass
He ponders his own life

Was he stepping out? Rising above?
Or falling into the deep ruts
of his wayward parents?

Now. his being satisfied,
He was ready to go back
and make his house - a home.