every note, a reminder
of you
every note, a reminder
of why i have to leave

_

wait for it
that's what we say
when we don't know what to do with pain.

_

if i could undress your thoughts
and disregard your arms for armor
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

if i could undo this love
would i want to
(as armor)
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

understand that things got lost
understand that i got lost
understand that things get lost
understand that i got lost

__

in this moment, i don't exist
make me forget
holding my own hand
just for the sake of it
this modern truth
was not made for you
_

father, make me new
just like your used to
take me blindly
forced to understand you
and you can have what's mine
you can have your time
take me blindly
forced to understand
you
you
you

if you have a chest then you should
******* feel it
I'm not a wall, blank slate either

i don't envy these grey areas
it fills the gaps of space of where I could be loving you
instead, we're all going to deny the facts
and wallow in our sins
and wallow in our half-truths

projections of what we think is proper devotions
holy hymns, I am summoning you
to act out
and turn me out
where I can feel nothing but your absence
can you feel me now?
can you tell I'm not telling the truth?

I was always waiting
for marion
for love
can you always hear
what it is
what i am missing

tell me you're alone
tell you i'm your friend
tell you loneliness
is better in the end

when time is nothing but fleeting
and you are nothing but faith to me
to me
to me
to me
i rally my head around what's said
to me
to me
to me

sometimes, don't you wish you could just
disappear
disappear
disappear now
(2)

I wring my hands of this
I wring it all
Shake my head in anger
Shake it off
If you're looking for a savior,
well, aren't we all?
I'm still looking for repair of what's been done years before.
And I stare at the world in different tones
And I swear, sometimes
I just don't know.
Would you forget, would you forgive, would you  go?

And the night leads back to you
But I work too hard for someone to matter
that doesn't matter
And the night leads back to you
But I'm so tired of thinking about you

As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it
As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it

Ever since my Father died, I have felt a lack of awe.
I stare out before me and feel close to nothing.
I want to fix this but I'm not sure how or if there is anything tangible to "fix".
I have dreams where I see his face so clearly- I see his life laid out in layers and I try my hardest to piece it all back together but I'm too slow at the pace.
I am trying to understand what this world means without you.
It is perhaps the hardest thing I've had to do.

It was 4:30 when I got the call.

I knew immediately.

Father,
were you finally at peace?
Last night when you fell asleep, did you know what you'd do in the morning?

The darkest parts of you make up the whole of me.
I've known this my entire life.
I will sleep inside this grief and mourn you everyday.
You and I were more alike.

2 hours later and this does not feel real.
The space between us exists as it ever has.
And I just hope you know how truly loved you were.

Let your life ending
be an example to me

I cannot go like that.

I must stay here.
For so many reasons, I must stay.

here i am again
trying to write something down
that makes sense
when nothing seems to make sense
i can't quite remember when it used to

an old friend killed herself three nights ago
and i still can't think of much else
than the time she wrote me
asking me if she could use one of my simple songs
to help tell a story
or the time she started dating the man
who tried to date me
how silly life seems
right now
as i sit on a stranger's bed
writing out my failures
strung out before me

Brianna,
your voice haunts me
as you sing about heartbreak in a room with no walls
the space enveloped around you

i wish we had more time
i wish i could have told you more
more than anything, i wish i could have listened

to anything you wished to share
to everything you couldn't speak

i wish we had more time.

neon time capsule
hung over our heads
half broken thoughts where drunks stupor
i stared past, right into you
as you waved your body in front of this one woman crowd
i bow
to all that is implied of you
how does one handle such grace?
where does one define such feeling?
when time is nothing but fleeting
but you are nothing but faith,
to me.
i rally my head around and
i finger the emblem of knowing
that this body before me
is infinite.

i think
how strange
to have a broken heart
to feel any loss at all
when we control not a thing

most times i feel okay
sometimes, you even cross my mind
and i don't flinch anymore
most times

i stare out
knowing
that i am where i should be
never knowing
just aligning
life is taking it's time
and who i am to try to stop it
or change it
i will stand in awe anyway
overwhelmed with it's tidal change

morning;
your skin tethered to the side of the bed
parallel to mine
i never took it for granted
not once
the way your thigh felt against my thigh
tones darker
tones collide
noon;
i would full myself up with you
and bleed into the hours
until one and one were fused
nothing felt wasted then
solemn and new
night;
i forgive the night
for turning it's back
for losing
in truth

i cannot shake you
i'd like to
i would prefer to
but since i cannot find the reason
nor the lesson
i fumble with my hands
before bed now
you humbled my being
and i guess i needed that
this beat down heart
never needed another beating
but there you went
i slow my breaths
how strange we humans
adapt

late night rehearsals
jogging in my sleep
most days it feels like
this hard work is worth it
just something i repeat
to myself
when life is a lull
thick vellum around me

i stared at a photo of you today
black and white
you were holding a rifle
you looked insane
i wondered what you were thinking
as you stood there
if you had a lover of your own
if you even knew what love was
a bracelet on your right arm tells me
you possibly have
it clung to you properly
as most sentimental things do

you
slept
beside me
for some time
young thing next to an younger thing
our bodies amassed
our heads unbowed
you
left
me with questions
i'll never have answered
our hearts tethered
our hearts in passing
you
regret?
that is a question.
i am asking you because i cannot assume another fact
when it comes to you darling
see,
there's nothing left.
so this I wonder
tonight
most nights
if it's something you regret.
and if so, what exactly you will do with that.

today i stared at the sky
how could i not?
every cloud a memory of you and i
nothing so riveting as the blank color of blue and pink
you, once so familiar to me
now gone grey
now gone, entirely
i stopped on the side of the road
and mouthed out loud
"look, the sky. it's for you"
as if i held the answers in my hands
here, i'll give them all to you
as we fumble though this life
not knowing what to do
from morning to night
in that moment,
our love and our demise
all made sense to me
i forgave you
and you forgave me
and finally
maybe
there was no guilt left
this time
only hues of clouds
blue and pink

I liked it better
When you were a stranger
Some pretty stranger
Who never hurt me
Someone I could stare at
Blindly
Someone I could daydream
Of
Before I knew the sound of your voice
Before I knew the salt of your skin
You were some reverie I liked to sleep in
You were worlds unknown
Never to begin

"remember the time we were alone?"

i could never forget
how romance stays
under the tongue
through the lip
between the teeth
all i see
are
memories
of you
and
me

look up
i know it's hard sometimes to
but look at how beautiful you are
how strange and unique
how wonderful your mind works
when you do what it is you do
everything you are working towards
is luminous
and every hard day is a day worth keeping up the fight
i bet your mother is so proud of you
i bet your mother thinks of you before she falls asleep
soon i bet all mothers will praise the person that is you
i'm proud of you
i feel like just by simply knowing you
i have been let in on some gorgeous secret
that i hold in my hands
completely overwhelmed
yet grateful
since the day i met you

i sit and stand
for some sort of solution
endless chatter from the past hides in small spaces
that blonde mane can create flames
and it does
in your mind
a thousand reasons why
we won't work
in mine
who knows
i've lost track of time

i was born failing
so it's easy for me to hold on
to things
even if they aren't working
i was born into something that never worked

don't you see?

if it was not for music
i would be
strung out
hopeless
waiting for a mistake to enter my temples
i'd regret this
only for a moment
but it's beautiful to be a loner
at times
when you can't make up your mind
how lovely it is to not waste another's time
with your regrets and indecision

another morning where i leave a bed
unmade
and taunt myself with memories of you
and i
you hold my hand
in measures
almost apologetically at times
and i understand why
because we're both waiting for the reprise
young love
you've got me
wrapped up in denial and so many wishes
i kiss this
drawn out hit list
and stare out at what i've missed
all along
and it's the accountability
of making one's own bed
each morning
before
i leave you

man, this time lady year
I was soaking my feet
into new thoughts
of you
while laying my head to rest
in old memories
of her
January
always a blur
of residue unrest
Head cocked and tilted
Towards wounds and names
that I wanted to forget as soon as my
tongue hit their pavement
working on erasing
while sitting crossed
on a stranger's living room floor
Serpents
repent

tonight i miss
my woman
who's not mine
will never be mine
yet she chooses
to spend the most time
with simple me
an odd thought
to be so in love
with someone you may not have known
had we not ****** up
this mistake
swallows me
often
i grapple at the knees
of this denied giant
once more
but i'm tired
so instead, tonight
i fold into the memory of
you
my great love

i want to be made out of brick
the malt of her residue
i taste the salt
on my lips
of you
of you

one of these days
i plan on burying you
in the left corner of my gregarious backyard
it will be such a strange sight
how land so fraught can fold into smaller loves
let the dirt turn you over
until i've nothing left to scour
my devotion pealing off me
like a strange leaving
into the ground
goodbye, heavy hour
farewell

i drove
and parked the van
two houses down
in fear you'd see me in the mirror light
reflecting
on nerves
but i don't think you ever saw me then

i would walk
into the corner bar
and see you immediately
unmasked
heavy with two drinks in hand
ready to forget the day
and dive into the night
the night where we would play
husband and wife
for 12 hours at a time
and in the morning
i would wake up
wondering why
i was never good enough
for the rest of your 12 hours time

having a night alone
i pause at this strange feeling
of feeling possibly "too" alone
like,
if i died while crossing the street
and if they did not find my phone
nor my wallet
would they ever figure out
who to call?
being human is strange
but being an adult is even stranger
i think of this as i am pulling my helmet off
in front of my house
looks like i made it safely after all
looks like we often think the worst
but often we surprise ourselves
and i want to surprise myself
i think of even more things
as i sit typing this
and even now
i wonder
if i did die
while listening to a new favorite song
tonight
as i crossed that street
would she care?
does hating someone even allow you to care?
to be affected?
would she pause
tonight
at all
and finally forgive?

i draw out the heavier sighs
they come out linear
now
torn out from my mouth
no longer huddled inside my chest
i think my mind is still processing
events from the year
earlier on
i started off in a haze
January where I stood in the biggest city in the world
1 million people around me
and dear god, all i thought about was you
but you were long gone
and let me know it
feb and march
i rolled the dice
with love
and it was overwhelming
the blonde swept me away
what can i say?
when i was in it, i was in
two afternoons, i was away from you
and i slept in a hotel room in Boise
where i thought all signs made sense
i was alive
i was willing
and maybe i'm romanticizing a bit
but *******, everyone in that town
is so gentle and welcoming
you weren't there
but i wanted you to
april and may
were long and drawn out
sequences i don't clearly remember
still loving and tender
but realities were setting in
june was caustic and a prelude
to the unsettling July
July- my life paused there then
July- may it always?
July-a reminder that I am human
and that i am humbled
by liars
that i may have been a liar too
once
August was a slow burning rebuild
i leapt off my feet in September
because i had found you
the only you
that should have mattered
but like all things
it takes a while for me
to understand
to realize
that i love taking the harder routes
apparently
apparently
i'm still leaning a lot of things
october was beautiful
lean
and full of new stories
new behaviors
a corn maze where i fell in love with you
your gentle hands pressing the map
directing me
november was a laso
wrapped around agendas
i could feel the burning
of december
i always hurt in this month
so much ending
of so much
ending
please go quietly
i am asking you nicely
you
the only you
i've ever known
i want to know
what it feels like
to enjoy
a whole year

on the sidewalk
i learned
how to long
how to wish
for someone
how to make
things up
with a suitcase
and hopes in my palms
i searched hopelessly
down that street
every day
waiting for
what was i waiting for?

i sat
my body still
endlessly pining over your love and death
how it all felt the same back then
how it all feels seamless now
as i cup the truths in my hands
and tear apart each one
out of my head
onto my temples
i place
my index fingers
and feel what it is
that makes this skull
work
some heavy blood and bone
some heavy love, that's all

i lapse
in a moment of space
where you were talking
and i think about
love
and romance
there's such a difference
i understand this now
as i sink my head further into the pillow

love is dog eared
spread thin
and getting thinner by the hour
taking courage to sustain
in small doses of subtle hints of reality
pulling at your neck line
(can i have the noose already?
i swear, i've thought about dying since I was 8 years old)

romance
on the other hand
is heavy
light
everything all at the same time
a stagger
a limp
a shrug
a heavy sigh
someone giving you their favorite bracelet in a bathroom
writing your name
perfectly
in small sectors

of a bedroom
i once adored
i mourn you
tonight
a shape
is what
love and romance
has come down
to for me
a feeling
so morose
i long for it to be gone
to be known

i; anchor
you; featherweight
she; shore

the anchor at your neck
incessant
a drawn bow trembling
at the core
a heavy love
you once wrapped your arms around
i told you from the start
where i'm coming from
and how i am
i gave you all disclaimers
i can be a head full of maladies
and you've not enough hands

the featherweight has so much to lose
two heartbreaks in one year
could snap the best in half
but you'll always snap back
you build with your heart
you build every plan
you're even with discipline
you're sleeping alone tonight

the shore stays
even if still
it's known
please keep away
i'm so tired of drowning

romance
is what keeps us
alive
love
is what keeps us
dead

"to be alone with you"
i hum that thought
to myself
on a nightly basis

what would i say
if you and i were alone
with hours to dwell
with words unsaid

i guess i would start with
a heavy sigh
and a head full of "why's?"
but I would keep those to myself
I would shake my head
place my hand to my heart
and like a chain to my chest
the silence would be enough
with you,
it would always be enough

i wouldn't yell
i wouldn't ask
i would simply acknowledge
and tell you "i am sorry"
and that I know how hard life is
sometimes
well, most times
it can go so slow
learning can go so slow
mistakes are hard to swallow
especially when nothing is saved
at the end of it all
we were a plan, unhatched
unmet
i n s a n e
weathered
before we started
a quiet lull from the norm
but we started
and it was full
it was fire
it was beautiful
and despite the outcome
now
looking back at it
while i'm in my bed
alone
it would be so easy to dismiss
but i'm not a liar
it was something
i could never forget
it was something
I could never forgive
it was something
that cannot
be taken
only stored
for memory lapses
and nostalgia's **** hour
you, my lull

our will is pure
but the past
we can't endure
and i am left guessing
which way we'll go
as the christmas tree we bought together
stands still
on your living room floor
undecorated
saying it all

I am sorry.

one afternoon
in Dallas
i found wet concrete
or rather
it found me
i eased my hands
into it
and spread every word
evenly
a myriad of thoughts
of you
and loss
reign public
on those downtown sidewalks
today

at night
we live in a dream
where you will speak
and I will listen
finally
night hours
we are humbled by this love
by demise
by time
it is when I sleep that I never question
why

everything leaves me restless and yearning

but i thought that the timing was perfect

no less it could have been

but i am grateful

for such a beautiful woman

for such a forgettable sin

has brought us here

i rally my mind in a line to cross stitch time

i shrug my shoulders at the lulls

at the hours that i lost

and silently swallow in

all that you offer

all that you must

i was anxious

so i pulled my hair one by one

and adored the strands washing out

between my fingers

fingers you once loved

fingers you once worshiped

like the base of my neck

you once called “perfect”

now time drones

each strand i now let go

and watch it float to the floor

such a pretty lull

you are

known

love-lord

in a brand new house

with a brand new girl

with brand new dreams

living a brand new world

you could call me jaded

maybe that’s so

you could call me bitter

but i could call it simply “low
when you’re up so high

and your love seems so tall

i am singing down here

backwards from it all

with a chain to my chest

while you pull me so slow

but you act oblivious, darling

when you’ve been nothing but “mr. know it all”

mr. know it all

knows no boundaries

no bounds

as she takes her words and makes her rounds

one by one

keep it coming, darling

your **** is so sweet

i’m so grateful for the wounds that your mouth keeps at repeat

it’s a graceful act

your love and song

because you act real quick and pretend nothing is wrong

until you’ve lost everything

and then you deny and you pause

and you look the other way

when the perfect girl is gone

nostalgia
hits you
in the dead center of
a soft afternoon
in small, subtle ways
and all I want is to shake off
it's relentless embrace

Patience. All my life, I've held onto it like a stone dead center in my palms.
I am not afraid of slow. I crave it.
I know it will make more sense that way.
Even restless as I am.
I've seen some take aggressively and there they go, further upwards.
But I want to do it right. My whole life. I want to treat people good while I'm here. I want to create and live as much as I can in an authentic way.
If that means taking the slower pace, then okay.

most cannot live with their history
a straight night into the void
here, i digress
i want the truth to plummet into my chest
consistency is the greatest romance
i am i am i am
no life lesson

i stare at a photo
of your face
years before you knew me
and i see a brightness
about you
i've never known
nowadays,
you look so strange to me
i liked it better when i viewed you from afar
when i didn't respond to the smell of your skin
when i had no idea what your lips felt like
on mine

"And even if I could get you back, I don't try
You weren't all that good, but I loved you like you were
Mine
Is it the only thing, I keep it like I see it"

You were not that good
You were not that good
You were not much of anything
I am learning