i drove
and parked the van
two houses down
in fear you'd see me in the mirror light
reflecting
on nerves
but i don't think you ever saw me then

i would walk
into the corner bar
and see you immediately
unmasked
heavy with two drinks in hand
ready to forget the day
and dive into the night
the night where we would play
husband and wife
for 12 hours at a time
and in the morning
i would wake up
wondering why
i was never good enough
for the rest of your 12 hours time

having a night alone
i pause at this strange feeling
of feeling possibly "too" alone
like,
if i died while crossing the street
and if they did not find my phone
nor my wallet
would they ever figure out
who to call?
being human is strange
but being an adult is even stranger
i think of this as i am pulling my helmet off
in front of my house
looks like i made it safely after all
looks like we often think the worst
but often we surprise ourselves
and i want to surprise myself
i think of even more things
as i sit typing this
and even now
i wonder
if i did die
while listening to a new favorite song
tonight
as i crossed that street
would she care?
does hating someone even allow you to care?
to be affected?
would she pause
tonight
at all
and finally forgive?

i draw out the heavier sighs
they come out linear
now
torn out from my mouth
no longer huddled inside my chest
i think my mind is still processing
events from the year
earlier on
i started off in a haze
January where I stood in the biggest city in the world
1 million people around me
and dear god, all i thought about was you
but you were long gone
and let me know it
feb and march
i rolled the dice
with love
and it was overwhelming
the blonde swept me away
what can i say?
when i was in it, i was in
two afternoons, i was away from you
and i slept in a hotel room in Boise
where i thought all signs made sense
i was alive
i was willing
and maybe i'm romanticizing a bit
but *******, everyone in that town
is so gentle and welcoming
you weren't there
but i wanted you to
april and may
were long and drawn out
sequences i don't clearly remember
still loving and tender
but realities were setting in
june was caustic and a prelude
to the unsettling July
July- my life paused there then
July- may it always?
July-a reminder that I am human
and that i am humbled
by liars
that i may have been a liar too
once
August was a slow burning rebuild
i leapt off my feet in September
because i had found you
the only you
that should have mattered
but like all things
it takes a while for me
to understand
to realize
that i love taking the harder routes
apparently
apparently
i'm still leaning a lot of things
october was beautiful
lean
and full of new stories
new behaviors
a corn maze where i fell in love with you
your gentle hands pressing the map
directing me
november was a laso
wrapped around agendas
i could feel the burning
of december
i always hurt in this month
so much ending
of so much
ending
please go quietly
i am asking you nicely
you
the only you
i've ever known
i want to know
what it feels like
to enjoy
a whole year

on the sidewalk
i learned
how to long
how to wish
for someone
how to make
things up
with a suitcase
and hopes in my palms
i searched hopelessly
down that street
every day
waiting for
what was i waiting for?

i sat
my body still
endlessly pining over your love and death
how it all felt the same back then
how it all feels seamless now
as i cup the truths in my hands
and tear apart each one
out of my head
onto my temples
i place
my index fingers
and feel what it is
that makes this skull
work
some heavy blood and bone
some heavy love, that's all

i lapse
in a moment of space
where you were talking
and i think about
love
and romance
there's such a difference
i understand this now
as i sink my head further into the pillow

love is dog eared
spread thin
and getting thinner by the hour
taking courage to sustain
in small doses of subtle hints of reality
pulling at your neck line
(can i have the noose already?
i swear, i've thought about dying since I was 8 years old)

romance
on the other hand
is heavy
light
everything all at the same time
a stagger
a limp
a shrug
a heavy sigh
someone giving you their favorite bracelet in a bathroom
writing your name
perfectly
in small sectors

of a bedroom
i once adored
i mourn you
tonight
a shape
is what
love and romance
has come down
to for me
a feeling
so morose
i long for it to be gone
to be known

i; anchor
you; featherweight
she; shore

the anchor at your neck
incessant
a drawn bow trembling
at the core
a heavy love
you once wrapped your arms around
i told you from the start
where i'm coming from
and how i am
i gave you all disclaimers
i can be a head full of maladies
and you've not enough hands

the featherweight has so much to lose
two heartbreaks in one year
could snap the best in half
but you'll always snap back
you build with your heart
you build every plan
you're even with discipline
you're sleeping alone tonight

the shore stays
even if still
it's known
please keep away
i'm so tired of drowning