For my "Big Brother".*
Love Always, *****.

You said it was adorable
The way my hair curled
around the hollows of my neck
Brushing across my skin
like a
n o o s e

You said my looks could shatter glass,
that my repugnant features
would SURELY guarantee a life of solitude
You loved to point out my flaws
And how my laugh was too late
breathing too loud
walking too fast

The shallow scars on my wrists
were alluring to you
you encouraged me to make more
and I loved the kiss of cold metal just a little too much
and
you
loved
that
I
loved
it.

You said you understood me
my thoughts were dark and scattered
I wasn't always able to share them with you
But I didn't need to
you already
"u n d e r s t o o d"

my dark companion
the only one I ever trusted
We fought our demons together
Dragging the other to hell as well

You wasted no time in telling me
what a waste I was
of skin
of space
and I wasted no time in  b e l i e v i n g  you

You would hold me in your arms
and whisper bittersweet nothings
compliments with a hard slap attached
convincing me I was far more flawed than I am.

We fought like rabid wolves
growling,
hissing,
howling,
circling,
nipping at my ankles,
you'd force me to f a l l.

tearing and ripping apart flesh
with words
and my feeble palms
left angry red marks on your chest and face
but my struggle only made you more eager

Every tear that fell from my face
gave you life
every sob that came from my throat
gave you a voice
you could not stand alone
you said
y o u  c o u l d   n o t   l i v e   w i t h o u t   m e

You said I didn't understand you
that I could never comprehend the torment YOU
were experiencing
I was FAR too dull to see.

It wasn't until I realized
I didn't need to play your childish games
I didn't need you
or your "passionate, intense" heart.

Once I stopped hitting back
your blows became harder

Not worthy of love.

Not worthy of life.

Not worthy of existence.

And I believed you.
I trusted you.

E n d   i t,
you said.
Peering down at the street far below us

You said to.

The height was dizzying

Y o u   s a i d
"Jump."

I'm fine.
Just fine.
I can't forget how the neighbor's casserole tastes,
And I can still see his face
But I'm fine.
Just fine.

The plaid shirt still smells like him
And the flowers have long been wilted
But I'm fine.
Just fine.

His picture sits on a dusty shelf
And his body is resting deep underground
But I'm fine.
Just fine.

My chin is up
My arms are open
And I've never felt so alone
But I'm fine.
Just fine.

New to town, New to school
A fresh start, Mom said,
Now remember,
You're fine,
Just fine.

Though this house is unfamiliar
His ghost haunts these halls
The floorboards creak and whisper
The lies I have to continually tell,
"I'm fine,
Just fine."

I watch as my mother tries to fill the part of her soul which my father used to occupy
But I'm fine
Just fine

Another marriage ripping apart at the seams
A man that never felt like "Dad" takes the car
And any memory of normalcy with him
I'm fine.
Just fine.

Packing suitcases again
My life like that of a gypsy's
I want to wake up from this nightmare
But I'm fine,
Just fine.

I punched out all the mirrors around here
Because I hate the wild-eyed creature glaring back at me
Im fine
Just fine

I hate how she talks, this monster of mine,
I hate the lies she tells
"Today was a good day. I made new friends.
And I'm fine.
Just fine."

Crimson puddles gather in my hand
And I'm starting to love how nicely flesh tears
But I'm fine
Just fine

I ponder escaping from here
Every second of every hour
and these lovely little scratched up my arm show it
But really, Im fine.
Just fine.

I don't need anyone to tell me
That everything will be okay
Because it won't.
He's gone.
Taken too soon
too quick,
too sudden.
I don't want your pity.
Dont look at me that way
Shining with tears and fake empathy
Dont look at me that way-
I'm fine.
**Just Fine.

Summertime sadness
Wintertime blues
A crooked smile
And momma's leather shoes

An old friend's sweatshirt
And his hat, too
Photos of the two of us
And memories of you.

A wicked right hook
And a chubby chin dimple
Broad shoulders, trim waist
A face pure and simple

I am not extraordinary
But there is much more ahead

He is the sky
Endless
Beautiful
He can make you feel free
Floating and soaring
He is everywhere
And no where
All at once

But he can never hold you

He is much too distant

If he is the sky
Then she the sea

Stormy and restless
Comforting to some
Praised for her beauty
And unpredictable nature
she holds fast
Drowning
Pulling down and pulling back

But she can never hold you.

She is much too indifferent for that.

Some say the sky is blue because of the depth of the sea
Others argue that the water is a mere reflection of the atmosphere above it

Some say that his laugh isn't genuine unless she provoked it
Others argue that she isn't herself unless he's around.

there are few things more breathtaking
Than where the sky meets the sea
The fine line where two different hues of blue
Fade into each other
the most beloved horizon
That could never be reached.

And I believe
That is how
He and she
Are together.

A time zone and about 600 miles between you and I,
And yet, here we are.

A long time since seeing your face and hearing your voice,
And yet, here we are.

I wasn't sure if I'd get the chance
To tell you what is really been thinking.
And yet, here we are.

A fleeting thought, a moment of courage,
A risk I wasn't sure I could take,
And yet, here we are.

Awkward clumsy words, full of hope, chosen carefully-
I don't know where we'll go from here,
**And yet, here we are.