Sickly screams of her dying dreams.

Running from her problems, she fell.

Jumped into nothingness... she caught me

I wish I could be blind.
Just for tonight
So I could stop myself from reading words that cut me when they shouldn’t
So I could force myself to no longer see the lines that make me doubt what I know.
I swear I’m not psychotic. I just need to take a break from seeing, reading, imagining.

I wish I was Jared, 19
Illiterate as **** and not crying into my pillow.

She left her house to go on a walk
She laced her shoes,
She grabbed her keys,
And she left.

She started to walk calmly
Each step padding softly on the smooth cement
Left
Right
Left
Right
Leaving the neighborhoods of comfort,
Until she no longer knows where she is.

Then fear sets in.
The fear of the unknown.
The fear of being lost.
The fear of being forgotten.

She begins to run.
Her converse pound on the sidewalk.
Left-right-left-right
She doesn’t know which way is home
But she can’t stop running
Until

She trips.
She is no longer walking or running
She is falling
Not bothering to catch herself,
Her head slams into the street
And her blood starts to pool
Onto broken concrete.

I feel like I’m burning
Maybe it’s the tears that sear my face
Maybe it’s the shame of knowing I’ll never be enough
Or maybe, it’s just a burning sting of feeling hurt.

She didn’t mean to hurt me
But it’s too late now
The quiet sobs have broken the silence of my darkened room.
The knife has broken the barely healed skin of my wrist.
The thoughts of loneliness have broken my deteriorating happiness.
It’s not her fault. Someone broke her.
So I broke myself.

Because if she is burned by the embers of her past,
Then I will throw myself on to them to protect her.
I will burn so she can heal.

I dream of the day
Where your poems about
Happiness with me,
Outnumbers the amount about
Heartbreak with her.

I hope you allow me to stay long enough
For my dream to come true.

There is only so many words
I can say about Her
Without becoming repetitive.
But, if she were to ask it,
I would bring down the heavens
Just to see her look at me.

She compares her past love to a flame
She says it is now an ember
An ember isn’t out.
An ember can start a wildfire.
An ember causes just as much destruction as a fire.

She says she loves me
But how am I different than the last one?
Or am I just a temporary fix for the “hole” she says was left in her heart.

It’s not her fault that’s she’s been broken
It’s not her fault that she had to throw herself into the fire in an attempt to put it out
But it’s my fault that I dove in after her and burnt myself on the embers.
It’s my fault that I love her too much to care about getting hurt.

**** the embers.
I will get a bucket of water.

To love so viscerally and passionately
As mortals do
It is life’s greatest gift
And harshest punishment.

As a child I was afraid of the dark.
I was afraid of a lot of things,
But the dark was the scariest.
It was the unknown,
The inescapable,
Where all my nightmares hid just out of view.
I thought I had outgrown such a childlike fear...
I guess not.

I have so many feelings and no words to express them
No where for pent up pain to go except out
It drips out with blood
It sticks to my sheets, my floor, my skin
It stains my clothes until all I see is
Red

Red for anger
Red for pain
Red to cover the growing blackness of insanity
As it creeps through the crimson
It’ll all be black soon
But I’ll try to cover it while I can.

The word safe has two meanings
One is a feeling
One is an object
You make my heart feel both

On one hand you make me feel safe
Talking to you, kissing you, embracing you
It is both exhilarating and comforting
I wish I could pinpoint what it is about you
That makes me feel like everything will be ok
Because god knows I’d do anything to always feel that way

But on the other hand you make me feel like a safe
I have to protect myself, my heart, my soul
Because if I don’t, I will let you have it all
The walls around my heart will fall
And One day you will crack the safe.
I know you will, I can already tell
You’ll learn my secrets, my story, my flaws
And you’ll do as others do
And leave.

But it’ll be my fault, as it always is
Because the contents of the safe are damaged
They aren’t pretty and shiny like others are
They’re broken, ripped, and torn
So Once again I’ll be left feeling forlorn.

I’ll never be truly safe.

If loving Her is a sin,
I will gladly shake hands with Lucifer,
Rather than repent for
Her Beauty.

It is 1:32 in the morning.
It is 1:32 in the morning and I can’t sleep
I stare at nothingness as hot tears burn my face
Why?
Because I’m stupid
And I’m stupid because I’m scared.

It is 1:34 in the morning.
It is 1:34 in the morning and I swear I am haunted
Not by ghosts or demons
But by the past
Not just my own.

It is 1:36 in the morning.
It is 1:36 in the morning and I know now I will never be enough
She did things I am too scared to do
And I’m scared because I’m stupid.

It is 1:38 in the morning.
It is 1:38 in the morning and I’ve lost hope.

I used to just think
I’d stare at the ceiling for hours
I would day dream of future adventures
Or ponder the big questions
At least what my 12 year old self thought the big questions were

Except now I can’t
I need distractions
Music, texting, staring at a screen full of meaningless content
Anything to keep my mind busy
Busy but not thinking

It’s because I’m scared
My thoughts aren’t fun anymore
My day dreams have become day nightmares
The big questions now loom over me
Dark shadows that follow just a bit too closely behind me
Shadows I can’t outrun and can’t be driven out by light

Maybe I just need more light?
I thought I had enough
People are my lights
Their smiles towards me cast out the darkness
For a little bit at least

I should probably become my own light
People tend to be like faulty lightbulbs anyways,
Unreliable.
But being my own light is hard
So maybe I’ll just submit to the shadows.

Happiness crushed instantaneously
Hope shattered like glass on concrete
Smiles dissipate into a familiar frown
As hot tears burn the sides of my face

Is this what I deserve?
Sadness?
Hopelessness?
Complete and utter loneliness?

I don’t believe in sins
But maybe I’m a sinner
Maybe I deserve the **** the universe hands me
Maybe it’s a punishment for my flaws and actions

I want to feel anger
I want to scream and punch the wall until red blood covers my hand and drips onto my floor
I want to fight the world and everyone in it

But I don’t
I can’t
Instead I cry
I sob
And wipe my face
Desperately trying to cover weakness
I shouldn’t cry
I know I shouldn’t cry
But I can’t help it

The poets who write of love one day
And heartbreak the next
Are the only creatures who truly understand
How a yearning soul cries for company,
Because after losing a connection so pure,
Loneliness becomes unbearable.