I wish I could be blind.
Just for tonight
So I could stop myself from reading words that cut me when they shouldn’t
So I could force myself to no longer see the lines that make me doubt what I know.
I swear I’m not psychotic. I just need to take a break from seeing, reading, imagining.

I wish I was Jared, 19
Illiterate as **** and not crying into my pillow.

It is 1:32 in the morning.
It is 1:32 in the morning and I can’t sleep
I stare at nothingness as hot tears burn my face
Why?
Because I’m stupid
And I’m stupid because I’m scared.

It is 1:34 in the morning.
It is 1:34 in the morning and I swear I am haunted
Not by ghosts or demons
But by the past
Not just my own.

It is 1:36 in the morning.
It is 1:36 in the morning and I know now I will never be enough
She did things I am too scared to do
And I’m scared because I’m stupid.

It is 1:38 in the morning.
It is 1:38 in the morning and I’ve lost hope.

I feel like I’m burning
Maybe it’s the tears that sear my face
Maybe it’s the shame of knowing I’ll never be enough
Or maybe, it’s just a burning sting of feeling hurt.

She didn’t mean to hurt me
But it’s too late now
The quiet sobs have broken the silence of my darkened room.
The knife has broken the barely healed skin of my wrist.
The thoughts of loneliness have broken my deteriorating happiness.
It’s not her fault. Someone broke her.
So I broke myself.

Because if she is burned by the embers of her past,
Then I will throw myself on to them to protect her.
I will burn so she can heal.

She compares her past love to a flame
She says it is now an ember
An ember isn’t out.
An ember can start a wildfire.
An ember causes just as much destruction as a fire.

She says she loves me
But how am I different than the last one?
Or am I just a temporary fix for the “hole” she says was left in her heart.

It’s not her fault that’s she’s been broken
It’s not her fault that she had to throw herself into the fire in an attempt to put it out
But it’s my fault that I dove in after her and burnt myself on the embers.
It’s my fault that I love her too much to care about getting hurt.

**** the embers.
I will get a bucket of water.

Jumped into nothingness... she caught me

I have so many feelings and no words to express them
No where for pent up pain to go except out
It drips out with blood
It sticks to my sheets, my floor, my skin
It stains my clothes until all I see is
Red

Red for anger
Red for pain
Red to cover the growing blackness of insanity
As it creeps through the crimson
It’ll all be black soon
But I’ll try to cover it while I can.

Happiness crushed instantaneously
Hope shattered like glass on concrete
Smiles dissipate into a familiar frown
As hot tears burn the sides of my face

Is this what I deserve?
Sadness?
Hopelessness?
Complete and utter loneliness?

I don’t believe in sins
But maybe I’m a sinner
Maybe I deserve the **** the universe hands me
Maybe it’s a punishment for my flaws and actions

I want to feel anger
I want to scream and punch the wall until red blood covers my hand and drips onto my floor
I want to fight the world and everyone in it

But I don’t
I can’t
Instead I cry
I sob
And wipe my face
Desperately trying to cover weakness
I shouldn’t cry
I know I shouldn’t cry
But I can’t help it