And now you're telling me that you aren't going to marry her any longer. You're actually saying that you want to run away with me now that you're done playing house with her, and I have to remind myself every day that you're a liar, just so that I don't get my hopes up.

I do not want to hold your hand anymore.

why aren't you in my arms?

i want to float beneath the waves until all is forgotten.

i don't care if you're just commenting on the weather *don't talk to me.

incapable of breathing once again.

and someone else has come and painted happiness on the land you had **scorched.

I want to strip us of our skins, the things keeping our hearts apart, and hold you so close the spaces between our ribs are filled by one another's.

you said you weren't going to be around anymore so why are you everywhere?

Just hug me. Please. I don't even care that you get nervous and hug really awkwardly, like you don't know what to do with those long arms and you hold on either too tight or too loose. I don't mind.

trying to remind myself that i don't need you.

trying to pretend that i can't feel my heart *dying.

and now, she is trying to eat whatever small bits of happiness i have left.

True love is holding their hand and committing a double suicide when you realize that you can't do it anymore.

where are you?

as the night sets in, my demons begin to eat me alive.

i wish i were holding her hand for a reason other than to hurt you.

I really thought we could be. But your lips don't give me butterflies, don't make me fly. And though your eyes are beautiful, they don't captivate me. And even when your arms hold me close, they don't feel like home.

i'm tallying up your broken promises on my flesh, darling.

and that's the thing. you saw me as this angel, this person who could make anything better. you put me so high up with all your belief and trust and thinking i have this sweet, tender heart yet still somehow fought all my demons down and became whole again. i'm sorry, but i didn't. i never changed, i just wished i could. you were this great girl who beat back her own darkness and thought you could hold me up high, proof it was going to be worth it, proof relief and healing came. it doesn't.

and i have a million problems to drink away this weekend.

*a family history of alcoholism is one.

i am relapsing.

and i hate her with almost the same passion that i hate you with.

*but not quite. For i hate you with a lovers passion, and i hate her as the usurper.

i am giving up on you.

sitting here terrified of you because everyone who came before left

I love you and I can honestly say that I want you forever. I want to sleep next to you every night and wake up to you every morning, to hold your hand and kiss the lips that make me feel invincible. I want to trace my fingertips over your cheekbones and down your jawline, to run my fingers through your hair and hold you so close I can feel your heart beating with mine. I want to tangle our bodies together and get lost in the sound of your breathing. I want to make you laugh and I want to feel your smile when we kiss, to curl up on your chest and tell you that you are my sea, my sky, my solar system. I just want you to stay, please. Please stay.

telling you how you wrecked my heart hurts almost as much as when you trampled on it.

And i can't breathe again.

i am just another dead thing beneath your boot.

trying to reach for death in the dark, but even the reaper has abandoned me.

you made the near-constant chatter in my head stop, but now you are gone and all i hear is *screaming.

my throat is tight and aching with every word i never said.

it's been over 27 days since you last touched me.

my skin cells are all new now,
like you were never here at all.

just so you know, i spent two days in bed after we gave up on us.

and i want you to look me in the eyes, read every line, and see exactly what you've done to me.

remember when you asked me to marry you?

and now, you've come back.

with nothing but a ****** apology, and an invitation to your bedroom.

i'm just another dead butterfly at your feet.

I just want to hold everyone so tight that all the broken pieces come back together, held by my quiet love for all people who fought their demons and survived.

But I can't catch myself. I can't hold every broken person in the world in my arms, and each one flays my skin with those shattered edges. I cannot keep myself together and I cannot hold your dreams up because my never-really-dreams are crushing me as it is. I cannot help you. I've given my blood and air and skin and every beat of my heart to someone who couldn't survive. And now they're living in my rib cage and the quiet parts of my head, and I don't know if I like it or not.

i understand. i'm sorry i didn't know you.

i remember how you actually helped this insomniac sleep at night.

(now the hole you left in my chest keeps me awake, burning and aching in a way that makes me afraid to close my tear-misty eyes.)

you are not the boy i fell in love with.

*you are just a stranger wearing his face.

i'm sorry, baby. things really weren't supposed to be this way.

i'm waiting for my fingers to forget how they felt laced with yours, and my palms to forget the warmth of you against them.

thinking that flowers, roses especially, are true symbols of love.

they wither and die within days...just like love.

and roses are covered in thorns that cut when you hold them too *tight.

you are what makes me want to die, and what i live for at the same time.

you looked like a young god in black.

getting lost in kisses that may or may not mean everything just to get away from you.

and i find that i have been thinking about death a lot as of late.

we fought the clock for almost two years. but time always wins, in the end.