Taylor Smith

Taylor Smith Apr 2014

I used to write down all my secrets
And put them in envelopes
I addressed them to
"The person who keeps everyone's secrets,
Please hold on to some of mine
Because I'm crushing under the weight that they hold"
But because I never met anyone like that
I just stuffed them away in my underwear drawer,
My sock drawer,
My supplies drawer,
My junk drawer,
But eventually I had so many secrets
I ran out of evelopes and ran out of places to hide them.

You kissed me the same day you told her you loved her
You held my hand when no one was looking
Yet you held her entire body as if you were the pedastool
And she was an idol
Her flawless skin
A reminder that I will never be
Flawless enough for you to want only me

It wasn't until all my secrets came flowing out
Cluttering my heart
That I realised I'm your only secret
Do I keep you up at night
They way you haunt my dreams
Afraid to fall asleep
For fear if I hear you say my name again
Ill fall even harder than before.
I doubt it...
Ive been here enough times to know that
I'm just another girl who's heart you keep in a jar on your night stand
Along with the rest of your collection
Yet I don't feel the need to self harm because these words are already sharp enough to cut me open
People always told me to fight for the ones that I love
And baby id fight for you
But there's no point in it if the competition has already won

My heart became the battle field
***** and bruised
So here I am
Admitting defeated
You may have destroyed my dignity
But I have won my respect
Im as fierce as a lioness
And I don't need to be tamed
I won't jump through anymore fiery hoops
Just in hope that one day you'll love me in return
I'm not gonna be another welcome mat on your front porch
Because you're not welcome to walk all over me
You're not welcome to leave behind the ***** particles of your ****** life and expect me to clean it up
You're not welcome to wear me down and then replace me with someone new
Because eventually i'll get used to sleeping alone
I'll manage to stay out of the coldest corners
While still filling up the bed
Every morning ill regain my strength over a cup of coffee
And I'll pick up my pen
I'll write about us
I'll write about how we weren't a tradedy
Just a season passed and a lesson learned

Taylor Smith Feb 2014

Dreaming of a Lost Cause (unfinished)

When I was little,
You always tucked me into bed with butterfly kisses
And whispered that you loved me,
But what do you know of love?
I know I haven't always been there, but neither have you
It's been years since I've heard your voice.
It's been years since you drove me away.
Growing up with out a father isn't so easy.
I used to dream about you.
About the time I walked up to you and
Twirled around to show you my princess dress.
You picked me up, put me on on your tippy toes,
and we danced across the living room for hours.
You told me I was your Cinderella girl.
Do you remember that?
I used you dream about you.
About the times we could have had.
Would you have taken me to get ice cream everytime I skinned my knees
When I fell off my bike because you knew it would make me feel better?
Would you have stuck all my art work on the refrigerator for the world to see?
Would you have held me in your arms when everyone else shut me out?
Would you be proud of me?
I used to dream about you.

Taylor Smith Jan 2014

Ode to Misogyny

Misogyny,
The hatered, objectification, and sexualization of women

His hands were too big for my eight year old body
My stomach turned in ways I could only describe as "icky"
I screamed until I could no longer feel any breath left in my lungs
"Stop it! Please! I don't like this game. Daddy stop!"
Time slows
Seeming like an eternity
Every touch was like a sparkler
Burning while tracing the path his fingers left on my body
When he was finally done
I gathered my thoughts and prayed to God to save me
When I went to the bathroom to clean up
I saw his handwriting on the mirror
Scrawled across it was a verse saying Hell was my only destiny
My body is not a bag of bones for you to play with and the burry
Poisonous words foam from your mouth like rabid dogs You pick pieces of my pride from your teeth
You think it’s okay to mess with women
To make them feel vulnerable
Just because you have a Napoleon Bonaparte complex That does not give you the right to steal our self-esteem To make up for the lack of your own
You say “Well maybe YOU shouldn’t have worn those slutty heals,
Or that dress,
Or your hair that way.”
You say “Maybe YOU should have done something
to avoid being a target.”
You say “Stop being so disrespectful.
I just wanted to see your ****.”
You have a real flair for excuses
So excuse me when I tell you
You will regret messing with a woman like me
You see, I keep my heart strapped to my steel-toed combat boots
And an army of mistreated women of speed-dial
We will hold you captive and make our war paint from your blood
As ransom notes fall from your mouth
With the words “I’m sorry” scrawled across them I hate to break it to you
But those words won’t sew up the open wounds you left us with
When you came in to *** in and steal our innocence
The thing you don’t seem to realize is
You might have taken our innocence
But that’s not what we are made of
We consume strength for breakfast,
Courage for lunch,
Wisdom for dinner,
And guys like you for a midnight snack.
We’re not just warriors
Were survivors
What you do to us doesn't define us
Were not broken
Were beautiful
And the more I think about it
You’re just dogs chained to a tree
While I’m the person
Who’s going to put your treachery to sleep.

Taylor Smith Dec 2013

Damaged Goods

Her hearts full of damaged goods
She can only take so much pain before her body overflows
With unforgiven words and painful memories
The mixture under her skin eventually becomes a hurricane
You can’t see it but you can hear the thunder
She has to bleed out the hurt that runs through her veins
She doesn't like remembering
Because remembering makes her feel
And feelings are over rated
She started drinking because everything is so much sweeter
Without conscious thoughts
She has an unexplainable sadness etched into her smile
When she lays in her bed at night
She thinks of all the things she could have said
But was too afraid to admit
Maybe if she had said them
Her dad wouldn't have left
Or her mom would stop coming home from her double shift
Just to pass out after blazing
Maybe the only one she ever loved
Wouldn’t have gone after someone who loved him better.
She seeked happiness in street allies that were only lit up by the Moon
She wanted to reach up and touch the stars
But since she couldn't fly
She snorted another line of fairy dust just to keep her floating

Taylor Smith Dec 2013

Oblivion

Lies spew from your body as you pull me in tighter
Tighter
So tight that I can barely breathe
I’m suffocating here in your arms
And you don’t even care to notice
Complete and total oblivion
Not the tranquil oblivion of sleep
But the threatening oblivion of homicide
Not actual death but the death of the person I want to become
You don’t seem to notice the panic formed across my face
I’m an animal trapped in headlights, paralyzed
While you’re the speeding vehicle
The car that doesn’t stop
You don’t realize as my mother that I look up to you
That you’re relationships are not just about you
The hold effect on me as well
You can’t seem to stop the fighting
You say you love him
But I think you love the rush of anger
When you’re screaming and then leaving
Leaving
You’re constantly leaving me
I’m caught between the cross fires
The cussing and the pushing
You take it out on me
When I finally get up the nerve to confront you about it
You say you have no idea what I’m talking about
Did I tell you I still have the necklace you bought me?
To make me forget about the first bruise you left on my arm
As if money and diamonds mean a thing to me
I may seem like a young lady
But my insides are ripping apart
I’m still just a child
I had a dream of being a mother
And a having a beautiful partner
Who has a dictionary of her own
And when she looks up the words:
Independent, beauty, and passion
The synonym is my name
I want so badly to be happy
But when I look at your relationship
What you call love
All I see is chaos
A fight that isn’t over until someone is hanging by a noose
And I don’t want any part of it
I hear that love is a wonderful thing
But now the word sends messages through my body and too my brain
They scream at me to run and run fast
To shut out anyone who could possibly care about me
I’m so tired of living this way
These hallways hold too many secrets
Too many hushed screams for my comfort
So I’m leaving
Leaving
I’m leaving before oblivion takes over
I’m gonna tear down the walls I built
I’m gonna free fall into the unknown
Im gonna find what love is
And when I finally do
She will show me the 7 wonders of the world
Just by looking in her eyes,
like crystal ships that have seen too many ice burgs
yet still so beautiful.
Her heart will remind me of an old shoe lace
Double knotted
That may be a bit too tattered but never falls apart
She will hold my heart in her hand
I will trust her not to shatter it
But to help me find the missing puzzle pieces
To make it whole again.

— The End —