We only have what we remember.

Little does he know
I’m planning
Little does he know I know how
To escape
Little does he know I will throw away
This relationship

Can't you see what's happening?
I don't think I can admit because...
Because I love you so much it hurts
It really hurts
Am I not suppose to speak?
Express myself?
Am I suppose to sit pretty?
Don't speak unless spoken to?
Does it matter?
Do I?
My soul has grown old and my heart is growing dead.
Forgot my lines and I'm the star of the show.
Pass.
Are you okay?
Pass.

She's a bottomless pit of happy
But she only sings the broken songs
Broken
It broke her heart right in half when she passed
Unsurprised
It takes time to heal and she's got an A+ in that
Proud
I couldn't be more with her
She walks around, hair down like **** the world
But
She cares more than the moon does for the stars
And her smile lights up a thousand rooms
She's a bottomless pit of happy

I forgot how to write poetry
I forgot feelings
Forgot my brains favorite way of thinking
Metaphors
Except for today....

Today I'm 18 yrs old now
I'm married
I'm having a baby
I've moved so very far from the people who hurt me over and over
Even though I'm whole, I feel the emptiness I haven't felt in a long time, in this moment I'm empty
Numb
I feel like the girl who wrote those old poems will always linger
And tonight
I'll find comfort in her and let her stay

I have this map on my wall and it has every pinpoint of where I want to go and somehow, your heart is still pinned there
And I've thought that maybe I've learned by now, but guess not
Once again you've reached way back into the depths of your heart and pulled mine off the shelf where you can't seem to put an order to things
You dusted it off for finger prints, but only found yours
I told you, you always rip my heart out of my chest, "accidentally" fall over a table then step on it getting up and give it back, but then again
You don't give it back, you still have it, which makes all of this worse
I keep telling myself that I'm not as good at poetry like I used to be and I think that's your fault
But maybe I just want to blame you for everything
I guess, I just really didn't see this one coming
But, that's my fault
I should of never answered your call

My words sting like the subject of divorced marriage and daddy issues
And yet you want to hear what I have to say
So lay it all on the table
Tell me you're giving up
But you won't find me plastered on a sidewalk like waddled up, gravel stuck, unwanted gum waiting for love
You've got me ****** up
I never thought
This early
I would be finding myself head over heels in love
Tell me I'm dreaming
Please tell me
Save me the pity of when I do find out
Because now.... he is slipping through every broken finger I can't use to get a tight grip
Reality is setting in
Love is either hard work
Or hard time
You just have to decide
How hard are you fighting?
And do you have time?

Today at exactly 4:07 p.m on September 2, 2014
On a perfect kind of weather tuesday  
Standing in the press box, which is normally like an oven, but not today. The cool air filled the press box like it could snow or prince charming himself could come kiss you at any moment in the rain.
Filming people running around on a field catching footballs like bullets
I felt my heartbeat
It was pulled from way back on the selves of your heart where you can't seem to put an order to things because well, it leaves space but this time
This time you took the time to grab mine again and dusted it off for finger prints but you only found yours.
you text me to tell me, I wasn't the only one.

*T~

• I think I'm a little bit stuck on your high society side tonight secretly because I hate you and this black chipped nail polish.

• and every night I flip my sheets because they're not as comfortable without you on them.

• your name is carved into my skin and my mascara is running

• my tears hold back because I don't have a backbone

• you're not just written in my skin, you're down to the bone. Can I brake that? CAN I BRAKE THAT? can I?....

• we're all just hellen kellers

• sorry if my jaw clenched when you said you loved me

• because when you start to rearrange your vocabulary for someone, you start to forget your own name

• my temper is a stain on a white shirt of reality that even oxy-clean can't remove

I miss my words.
I miss using them in a context of metaphors that made peoples heads hurt.
I make my head hurt.
I miss my words.
I miss my hearing.
I miss my vision but I'm to spaced thinking about your hands and how they easily grabbed mine and your lips ever so gently whispered sweet nothings on mine.
I squeeze your hand but I looked down....
Yours is replaced by him and only half the man.
He asked what's wrong?
I just wish for once someone will ask me what's right.
~T

I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia*
I really liked you
And forget about these stupid little things
Trusted you. I felt like I was finally getting up on my feet but love...
Love is the coin
and when it runs out of spins
It turns it's back
like how it felt to fall asleep next to you
That is the one thing I wish would go away.
Your lips. I remember our last kiss and yes, I remember the make up running down my face when you told me you were leavin'
I still cry. Even cried on my dads shoulder tonight.
and the memories that never can escape
Memories. I wish that I could wake up with ammesia.
cause I'm not fine at all
maybe this was just a dream
I'll make it one.
*cause I'm really not fine at all

1 a.m
: I'm laying here,thinking
: my heart just as heavy as when you left it.
But you didn't really leave it. You have it which makes all of this worse
Because
                    for
                                   once
I'm trying to move on. Trying to let my pinky go so we can't hold on to the promise of forever.
And yes I see that **** on Facebook.
You're her everything. The love of her life. She gets to feel your lips on hers.
Something I never got to feel because your there and I'm here and that's exactly 1,163.5 miles away.
Its not fair
Never fair
Fine
Never fine
I'm tried of that ******* word.
2 a.m
: crying to music
I hate when we talk and you tell me to look up a song.
I try to put back my pieces through this song that you shattered me in the first place with.
I'm so deeply inlove with you
I'm so deeply inlove with you
I'm so
             d
                e
                  e
                    p
   ­                   l
                       y
Inlove with you.
But so is she and right now your heart beats for her while my heart beats for you in the palm of your hands.

3 a.m
: eyes so swollen they have to shut, dreaming
You're so deeply inlove with me.

You're lips, like sandpaper now that I think about it, but twice the man he'll be.
A lighter, I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to put it to my lips and burn every inch of your kiss off, but
I don't.
I simply rub my eyes hard enough to blur the image of you driving because it was always my favorite place to be.
In the passenger seat, I'm not the driver. Not in control.
My pillow
My shirt
My hair
My hands
My lips
Smell like you,
A Band-Aid drenched in lonely.
I'm cold, like snow, but, just as beautiful.
And you're black, like coal, but, will always be beautiful.

Text: "I wish u could just be happy"
                         Text: "I'm happy with you
silence

Are you not "happy" anymore with me?
Can you not stand me?
Then why the **** are you still with me?
Why the **** am I still here?

Please be my guest and define happy?

I went to a funeral today to show me death is so real. Told my friend. He said death might be real, but life is just as real.

This morning I watched the way the sky blends like a man pushing down, ******* it to some how make it perfect when it already was. I can't explain what happy or beautiful means because, I've never been called that by someone who has stayed.

So don't tell me those things

We're not happy anymore.

Once again
I'm sitting here

Once again
I'm prying the butterflies out of my stomach

Once again
I've ****** you off

Once again
You remind me of my ******* step dad

Once again
You can't handle me or my words, but like you would ever try to choke them down anyways

Once again
I'm on nicotine level of 20

Once again
You told me, you ******* told me, so I don't know why I even try anymore, because you know it would hurt me. ******* props to you.

Once again
You talk to my best friend

Once again
Your words cut the **** out of me and my mouth is so dry but my eyes, they drown in the memories, in words, in water.

Not once in our fight was love shed.

Your words burn going down but yet
                  I
                                   still






                   swallow



It's 2 am and you still are keeping my thoughts up. New record.

I bet you're wondering why I'm not like most girls.
I hate the smell of the pavement after the rain.
I hate Starbucks.
I hate the game. (oh, by the way, I lost the game.)
I hate sun flower head bands and white converse.

I bet you're wondering why I won't let you in.
I hate feeling over whelmed with stuff I can't control.
I hate bridges, they can't hold ground.
I hate how hands don't care what they touch because it's just as easy to let go.
I hate the fact that eyes are just another passage way.

I bet you're wondering where my sense of humor faded to.
I hate to smile, it just invites conversation.(like I'd want that)
I hate my laugh.
I hate dreaming about your smile because it makes me dream about your face which makes me dream about your chest moving up and down and hoping that I'll get to lay.... No... No stop.
I hate your corny jokes because in the end, I'll never be able to hear them again.

I bet your wondering what made my heart so bitter and my face so plastic with glazed over blue eyes.
I hate that house.
I hate flower head bands.
I hate that time can't heal all wounds because each clock has arthritis.
I hate bridges.
I hate your corny jokes.


I hate for at least once in my life, you made me happy. Not the little kid with ice cream, happy.
The happy I only read in books, I only find in old people, the kind I can't go to sleep without, the kind where you showed me,

Its okay to breathe.

I hate that you took my breath when you left.
I hate you, so stop wondering.

~T.P~

Yet I'm still laying here. It's pitch
                              black
The only thing bright enough to see is this tiny little screen I
                    tap tap
                                     tap
To write you this poem.
                You'll be happy to hear I've started smoking again to let my lungs go
                 B
                          L
                A
                            C
         K
Because for once, I let them breath. You told me to try.
              You said it'll be fine. We'll be fine. Yeah I believed you, but my mistake. You're like the smell of nail polish remover, you can last for days but gone in a week. Oh, but a month later, your stench, it'll crawl the house.
                   I'm sorry to be bitter,
     black.
                                          I know every morning when I wake up,
                   my mouth will taste
Like ****
                           because I know I've been saying your name
                                        all night.
~T.P~

Definition of friendship- the emotions or conduct of being friends.
Definition of friend- a person whom one knows and whom has a bond of mutual affection.

1. She knows me better than I know me with my eyes closed, upside down, swinging on a tireswing with a frog duck tapped to my ankle (holding a lollipop)

2. They says friends come and go, but what do they say when you're in highschool and everyone around is the same.

3. She hates me because we started as friends but he grew wanting to be more when she hid behind texts.

4. She's the best poet I've ever heard, but not the bravest.

5. I miss her.

6. She hates me.

7. I lost my only friend.

8. She hates me.

9. She hates me.

10. She ******* hates me.

11. She's the only one I let read my poems before I speak them.

12. She wears her heart on her sleeve.

13. She's so sad, but makes everyone around her laugh so she won't feel as lonely.... Hiding behind the tears of a clown.

14. She's insecure but as beautiful as a rain drop hitting a window.

15. But she wears the ugliest mask.

He's the tickling laugh in my throat
2. He's the deep thought on Saturday nights
3. He's the daydream under my tongue but the reality of seeing him and her together (forever they say)
4. He's the reason why my hands are always cold
5. He's the smile that lights up my heart (and my face, as red as his girlfriends lipstick)
6. He's the reason I look back into
The past
The night on the trampoline
The winter guard performance when he first touched my hand, but quickly let go to touch hers
7. He's the overwhelming feelings in my head when our eyes finally hit each other's
8. He's the (we oddly have a lot in common)
9. He was always that phone call in the summer
10. He's the long bike rides where his wheels hit the same pavement, but she
She's the whisper of dout that we can never be a we

~(T.P)~

Black fingers twist the outside layer of my skin
Without a drop of sympathy
Don't let go
I can move on faster than you can reach back to grab me
Try me
I tried looking for a night in shinning armor but I only found a surgeon
Picking and poking at the not so right stuff wanting to
Fix
Fix
Fix
Fix
Fix
******* fix
What didn't need to be
Turns out
You're just some ******* dressed in tin-foil

Friday means parties
Friday is coffee
Friday means shopping
Friday is a netflix date with her pillow
And
Blankey...
Friday means long car rides, blasting music with your friends hoping to maybe get that one kiss
Friday is the breakfast club, twisted with easy A with a pinch of 16 candles
Friday means the late night skating rink
Friday is a messy bun with her pink piggy slippers, bringing out those old ugly black glasses
Friday means tight jeans
Friday is a sweater that covers all the way down to her knees
Friday means short shorts and raves
Friday is popcorn on the couch alone (yes, alone)
Friday means selfies
Friday is just a quote
nothing more
Friday means friends
Friday can't even remember her last sleep over

I'm still wasting away time in thoughts of your eyes
Smile
Smile
Eyes
Smile
Lips
Lips
Smile
Eyes
Lips
Smiling on the outside
You're nothing more than the letters on my *******
The cuts in my rhymes
The songs in my throat that crawl out of my mouth to someday save you from all this worlds hate
Anger
Why is my heart still breaking?
Still wanting to tie our pinkys together so we can't let for of the promise of forever
So tell me
Why does it feel like Gods just a babysitter on the phone?
And why the hell am I still alone?
1. My aunt says I'm too sensitive and I can thank my father
But doesn't that make your smile just as sinister?
2. A chance is what I desire
But I've never had a chance I wait for change but change becomes passion
Passion becomes destiny
Destiny takes a lifetime
Lifetime is nothing but a waste
Just watch the channel
3. Yes, I keep guns in my lungs just waiting to pull the trigger on someone
4. I was taught that being alone is better than losing what you want
5. Let's pretend that we don't exist and love never sprung up from our finger tips when I first touched your lips with
Happiness wanted to exist
I think so did forever
6. I'm sorry I came hard with claws
7. I'm sorry your life looks like this in photo albums
8. I'm sorry I spit every single problem on the bottom of your shoes
But you denied it for no more and no less of a quarter
9. I went home with cuts down my spine thinking I'll be fine
10. Your words bleed the blues of my words that should be spoken but are only left scars
1. The moon is closer to the sun than I am anyone
4. You
To caught up in other peoples business because your own countless nights without sleep isn't enough
25. Everyone died their hair in memory of you
Blue
But they can't tell one thing about you
6. I'm down kneeling on already scraped knees
5. The trick of attraction is that it doesn't make sense
4. The trick of attraction is perfection
3. I'm sorry we can't talk about it
2. She spends her nights lying awake retracing her lips because there once was a time he had kissed them
1. Do you get the catch?
Or are you the chase?
Or the base?
Maybe the core?
Ya, you're the core of my hate