You belittled and misconstrued
The love that I carried, the love that was true
But it could never be enough for someone always craving new
Hell bent on destruction, both for me and for you.

So I walk with strength today, your sins now my message
I carried them into the light, rescued them from the darkness that was ours
You dare to raise your fists because I sold your transgressions
Who the **** do you think you are?

Happiness, the evasive Lover of Man
Never wanting to commit
Always dancing out of reach
With enough charm to make you chase her
She teases and tempts
Seduces and beckons
Promises and smiles
But remains her own force
Unyielding to those desiring to claim her
Some brand her a myth
Others an urban legend
But those of who have seen her face
Will forever bask in the memory
Hoping to one day reclaim its vision
The splendor of her beauty
Our unattainable hope.

What goes up will always come down, they say
Either peacefully or violently
Freely falling or pushed off the ledge,
It falls.

I can go up so high,
Higher than the clouds,
Only to find you somewhere amidst the wispy air
I barrel back towards earth.

And here I sit as my numbing agent wears off
Broken from the impact of the crash
And all the boys and all the girls are laying next to their person
I sit alone.

To be without you is to be the girl at 3 in the morning,
Searching for snacks,
Throwing soda cans at the TV,
Sitting beside myself and wondering why everything has to be so **** tragic.

I hate you for what I’ve become.
I love you in the same breath.

Isn't it true that as a kid
You have nightmares
Of boogeymen and monsters

You run scared to your parents' room
Desperate for their warmth
And that reassurance of reality they offer?

We learn as children
That the substance of our worst nightmares
Can never touch us when we wake

That the threat in the closet is just a shadow
The scratching on your window,
Nothing more than a tree.

We are comforted in knowing that when we wake we can say,
"It was all just a dream."
We cannot be reached in consciousness.

Maybe that's why it was so ******* unreal,
So horrifyingly against all my soothing logic,
When I opened your apartment door that day

Because I saw the monster from my panic-filled nights,
standing, wearing your pants, right in front of me,
And no amount of pinching could make her disappear.

Now, whenever I wake in a cold sweat,
Heart chilled,
Mind spinning,
I will never again feel sweet relief with the words,
"It was only a dream,"

Because it's never just a dream
When you're living in a nightmare.

Where are you?
Why did you have to leave?
Wasn't the love I gave you enough to motivate you to show your true colors,
To bring forth light into the darkness you hide in and the caves you built?
Or to destroy the mask you wore to make sure no one saw anything beautiful?
Because then they'd expect things
And you hate standards.
You prefer to be afraid and small
Because you recognized that size does matter
And it's easier to be a shower than a grower.
Your insecurity over your ability to be more permeates the air
And everyone you touch.
You could be a healer,
But, instead, you poison the water with your blood
Your blood that smears across the mirror saying,
"Not Worthy,"
And everyone who knows you feels the wrath of your self-hatred,
Dark and strong like the alcohol you consume to get through the day
But I won't be a passenger in your car wrecks any longer
I won't stick around just so you have a companion
When you smash us both through the windshield.
You can be your own ghost, now.
I'm returning to the living.
I can live without you,
But can you live with you?

I once told myself that I must be dreaming,
And then the boy told me that I was a dream.
But now when I ask him if he loves me, he says
four little words:
Only in your dreams.