You sit behind me in class,
And perhaps I am so acutely aware of your presence because
I remember what you said behind
the safety of your keyboard and it made my heart
flutter.

Or perhaps it is because
You sat on the other side of the room until
I told you my secret;
because I was never very good at keeping secrets,
And now I can feel you brush my back
And play with my hair
And your eyes burn the back of my head
But you blush and apologize when I notice.

Perhaps this is all so
complicated
Because you're already in love
But it isn't with me.
And you're a good guy,
You'd never want to hurt her
But I want you for myself
And doing things that might hurt
In the best of ways.

Or perhaps I am overly optimistic,
maybe uncharacteristically so.
But I remember the heat of your hand on my arm
And the way you pulled back a moment and looked me in the eyes
Because that tingle of skin couldn't have only been felt
on my end.

All I know is this is so unlike anything
I've experienced before.
It's 3 years in the making.
And I can wait a little longer
A lot longer
For you.

I tried to write a poem about it,
but there seems to be no fluidity of words
or elegance of speech
to describe how wholly and simply I want you.
For it is my body that sings your song
in the early hours;
And it is your love that I crave.
So crash into me and give me something
   worth writing about.

Whenever you doubt your worth,
Remember:
Stars have died so that you may live.

The sun kissed the sea
So gently that it blushed
Then it dipped below the horizon
Always in a rush.
And night fell over muted pinks
And became the darkest blues
And I realized night had fallen
Because I had fallen, too.

I opened my heart
To the accent of your voice
And the way you wrote
Beautiful words  

I opened my mind
To falling for the kind of guy
My parents always worried
I'd find beautiful

I opened my eyes
To seeing beyond the skin
And recognizing your
Beautiful mind

I opened my heart
And you left goosebumps on my skin
But now I'm stuck re reading
Your beautiful words

I cannot write with this much pain
I cannot see through this much rain
Because I honestly might go insane
Knowing your lips hold my name
But your arms can't do the same.

All I can hear
Is the quiet "tick" of my watch
Telling me
It's 8:23.
I guess time
It goes on unfaltered, undaunted
I could be dying
But the large hand would still
Treck on
To 8:24.
And it's crazy to think
That some people won't live
To see
8:30
Or even
8:25
Because people are dying
Right now
At 8:23.
See, but in the time it took
For me to write this down
It's already
8:26
And some people only ever
Got to see
8:23

The monsters
They don't sleep
Underneath the bed
Oh no, all those monsters
Are sleeping in your head
Except, they aren't
Really asleep
At all.
They are
Screaming and
Clawing and tearing
At your mind. They bruise
And blunder through your
Thoughts until you
Can't tell if
They are
Yours.
And you
You are so
Unrecognizable.
Even to yourself you
Are someone totally different
I guess you're a monster, too.
Because you fought
Hard and Long.
But you
Lost.

The sea stood up and whispered
In words I couldn't hear
It leaned across your shoulder
And breathed into your ear
The sea fell back a moment
You nodded because you knew
Then it took you up in its embrace
And now you keep it blue.

His voice was all she heard
Playing like a broken record
In her head.
The scent of his skin was all
She smelt on the other side
Of the bed.
His laugh was painted on the
Walls of the kitchen and it
Was blood red.
The color of roses and the
Color of dying and the color
Of words unsaid.
He was in the whole home
And she couldn’t escape
His tred.
So she stayed in her room
And tried to remember it
Was she who fled.

I want to know exactly
The color of your eyes
And I want to make a
Symphony of your sighs
And I want to craft a boat
We can sail through your cries
I just want you.
Me and you
I want to know
What makes you tick?
Can you ice skate
Or do you always slip?
Give me all of you
Every little bit.
I just want you
Me and you.
Nothing is irrelevant
For all of it, I care.
I want to hold you
Run my hands through your hair
And you need to know
I will always be there
For you. Just for you.

8:51
I’ve been sitting here a while
My mind completely empty
Not racing
Not wandering
Completely empty
And I’m not thinking of you
Just like you’re probably not thinking of me
I’m not thinking at all
And it doesn’t hurt that way.

“Why not?”

The question seems so silly—childish even—and yet it is the single question we most likely will fail to answer. Why not let me have one more candy? Surely that candy would not be the fast demise of my teeth, sending me to the dentists with rotted roots and gums. Why not dance in the rain? The clothes will dry as the sun will rise and merry memories will have been collected. Why not allow yourself to open your heart?


Ah, the ever-slippery question: why not love? Even more slippery still, the answer; but though it is well known that love is great and powerful, power and greatness leave in their wake fear and destruction—for to give unto another so wholly and completely is to lose some of yourself for the sake of the other; essentially, an emotional diffusion. Perhaps it is this fear that we are losing ourselves at our own hand but for another that terrifies us.


Or maybe it is the fear that others will dissapoint us that has made this generation the lonely and sorrowed. Often, I find myself listening to the people around me put their self worth into the way another person perceives them—and only ever do they find morose disappointment. When ever do people live up to the expectations we bequeath them? The answer is never. We always expect too much; and because mind-reading is not yet a feasible science—we are washed each day with frustration and confusion. Why doesn’t he understand how I feel? Why not?


We’ve begun to whine and self-pity our mouths dry.


It’s time that we realize that it isn’t a question of “Why not?” but a question of, “Why not yet?” For we have so much potential brewing beneath us; we have literally moved mountains and charted the stars. Our virtual realities which have so often robbed us of true interaction need to stand aside as real world action and self providing takes place.


Because why not?

Don’t let anyone tell you
That you need someone else
In fact, most important,
Don’t say it to yourself.
And if ever you get down
And wonder why you’re not enough
If ever you ask “how come
I can’t find love?”
Remember that this is life
And it has it’s toll
But no one should ever
Make you feel less than whole.
Even if you lose them
Yeah I know it hurts
But even if they left
You’ve still got so much worth
With someone else you feel safe
But alone you should feel strong
Because your worth is not determined
By how you get along.

You're gone.
But you remain.
You're tousled in the sheets.
You're just down the hall.
Sometimes I roll over in bed,
And throw my arm across empty air,
And remember.
You're gone.


But if you are so gone,
Why can I still smell you on the pillows,
After they've been washed?
Why do I hear you breathing
In the dead of the night?
Why do I hear you coming through
The door at night?


You're so gone.
But you're still here!
And I can't escape you

I'm cold.
And I'm tired.
And I'm so done.
Of being the only one.
Trying.

I'm alone.
And unprepared.
And so over being dragged along.
Of being the one that must be strong.
I'm weak.

Why?
Why is it me?
Why do I do for you,
But not me, too.

And you let me,
You let me **** myself.
You let me go through trials,
Guess you haven't cared for a while.

You say:
"I shouldn't put,
you through my pains"
But I guess it's all the same.
To you.

I do remember,
A beautiful time.
When I was yous,
And you were mine.

But it's not that simple.
It's not easy.
Because you're killing me.
So slowly.

Hold my hand darling,
though it may be weak.
Keep me in your thoughts,
though I may be meek.
Fight the feeling that you have,
don't leave without goodbye.
I cannot fight alone, you see.
For I am not alive.
Though I hold my head high,
the blade is higher.
I am not ashamed at all,
just full of desire.
and in these moments,
I can see all of life,
It is daring and beautiful,
This cannot be mine.
Look, there I am,
hiding in the tree,
Look at that smile,
Look, it's me.
Those times when I could breathe,
Those times when I could feel,
They seem so long ago,
Now they don't seem real.
Wait, it's still here.
I can feel it deep inside,
The feeling I was looking for,
when I was looking to die.
Darling, do you remember,
the way you said my name?
No, don't say it now.
It brings only pain.
For in this moment,
the rope has been hung,
and i'm gently swaying,
my song has been sung.
The day is closeing,
The heavens are opening,
Darkness is coming.
I am done hoping.
In this moment I am so alive,
The thrill pumps through my veins.
I haven't felt so alive,
since the end of 8th grade.
Goodbye, darling.
You'll see me in your last sleep.
Where together we can feel,
and always just be.
The birds are singing,
The day is warm.
I'm gently swaying,
My life is worn.




*I promise I'm not suicidal, random inspiration