My memories of last summer are dark
Not because they are sad, or lonely
But because we turned the lights off
We focused on senses other than sight
We turned the lights off in order to taste
To taste the Chinese take-out we drove home through the setting sun
To taste the ice cream eaten with plastic spoons in flashes of moonlight
We turned the lights off in order to hear
To hear the television's twists and tracks
To hear our own stories and voices raised in jesting rage
To hear laughter
Laughter
I can still hear our giggles and shouts, feel them in the decades-old couch where we lived
I remember those days in low light and summer shadows
And I would not change them for the world

But next summer
Next summer will be all about the light
Sunlight streaming through car windows and fighting past designer shades
Sunlight reflecting and glaring from every surface
Warming our skin as we sing our summer songs and drive
An open road for an open heart
Skirts flowing in the breeze as we walk in a daze
California crossroads and seaside streets
Lit up and shining almost as bright as our smiles
We might not taste the coffee or hear the ocean roar
But we will see things we have never seen
A summer of sights
And I would not change them for the world

It no longer needs to be said.
The words "I miss you" have gone back and forth between us so many times in so few days that the sentiment is fully understood. I miss you. You miss me. We are alone and separate and distant and all the terrible things we never wanted to be, and we know, we are painfully aware, but we repeat it, everyday, through lonely screens and tired fingertips.
"I miss you." It is our new hello.
Every time my world brightens with these words from you, my heart breaks, and I smile. I stop to think of all the suns that rose and fell when I was with you. I sigh in the darkness and try to conjure up your eyes in my mind, but I never could look at you long enough to tell what color they are. I know they are dark, and that they shine the brightest when you drop a clever retort over your shoulder. I write back, "I miss you too."
I don't want to miss you anymore; I want one of us to get on a plane and I want to see you on my couch again. I want to hug you for the second time and talk about how long it's been. I want to hand you the remote and let you flip between our favorite channels and listen to you tell the boring stories we always teased you for. I want to tell you how no one has ever supported me or understood me the way that you do. I want us to play schoolyard games and travel the world and stay up all night. I want to tell you how you wrecked my life when you walked into it, how you took me under your wing and rearranged every part of me, how you sang to me songs I'd never heard, taught me to speak words I'd never spoken, and made me feel safer and stronger than I'd ever known I could feel.
But I am frightened, still, and I shrink into myself as a shadow when the sun rises; you are a star if ever there was a star, and I am a moon at best. You have given me light and warmth and I have absorbed it, consumed it, and given nothing back but my admiration. I cannot touch you, cannot stare too long. I cannot speak; what would the night say to the day?
You say that you miss me, and I wonder how you see me in your mind, if you know the color of my eyes, if you know when they shine the brightest. You say that you miss me, and I wonder if you mean it in the way that I do when I echo the phrase back to you, because I say that I miss you, but in my heart I do not only miss, but love.

Skipping class to sway to Sinatra
And read poetry with a romantic's heart

I reach for my own pen, inspired
Curl up in the sunlight
Words stutter out

And stay
Stay on the page
Not reaching for the stars or the moon
Not leaping from this cage
I will never make my dreams come true
Now even sure what I dream of anymore
What's worth wishing for?

Stay
Stay in my room
With a locked door and sweaters swallowing up
Cold skin and frantic moods
I will never cross paths with you
At this rate, nor in fact with anyone
Who's worth an open door?

Why bother hoping for more?

We play a dangerous game
Tossing hypotheticals into the air
And if we catch them, if we dare
Who's to say that it would be a shame

First Saturday night was a lonely one
My heart rate slowed and died on a ***** sofa in a ***** basement
There was a hole in the ceiling
Through it I could see the hope and anticipiation of my first Saturday spirit vanishing
The man in plaid brought the house down
To an uncomfortable, stricken silence
And the girl who sang Smile cried
By the end of it all I was sad
An open mic is a dangerous thing, he said
I did not speak a single word
Walking down and out I felt like the world had failed
Or maybe what I got was all I deserved
What good am I, anyway?
There was a throbbing in my head so I swayed
From the pavement to the doors
I fell in love with the boy at Dunkin' Donuts
He said he liked my hair
And told me to get a second donut
Because it would be cheaper
His Saturday spirit behind a counter
Offered me a smile and some kindness
And now I'm staring down two donuts
On my first Saturday night
Feeling a little better
About the world I deserve

Homesick or just sick
Unsettled by the clock's tick
Thinking of posters on my wall, of furry paws in my face
Longing for familiar footsteps in the hall, for discussions of grace
I want fangs and feuds and cutthroat nights
Not to look over my shoulder between homebound lights
Homebound, not for months and seasons
I want to call but I have no reason
Even my imagination left some things behind
They lived at home though I thought they lived in my mind
Now I feel truly alone
But who wants to hear untroubled youth moan?
Not sick for home but sick for my friends
An empty ache I don't think time can mend
And I won't feel better locked in this new room
Knowing I'll be gone when hometown flowers bloom
December, holidays, so far from home
For a frightened foolish freshman who wanted to roam
Afraid to move forward and out
Terrified whispers and tears masked by shouts
Same album plays again and again
Hoping some peace will find its way in
Maybe
If I just take the clock off the wall
Time would stop, or go back, and we'd forget it all
Tie our highway hopes tight with small road ropes
And collegiate walks back to high school talks
Could I dream
Awake
Alone
With you
I know it's true
But I can't imagine that you're lonely too

Thank you, haunted angel
In leather, in the sea

Thank you for the softness
For moonlight in the sun
For starlight through the darkest darks
Of thoughts and songs unsung

Thank you, gentle soul
In heaven, in our hearts

Thank you for the beauty
For truth in all the haze
For shadows gone by scattered light
Of love and life ablaze