and today i woke up sad and empty
with longing
and a soul full of regret

to love and be loved is one of the most amazing experiences

i have been lost
and  i know i will be more lost before i can be found

Alone

currently not enjoying the person i am

mistakes already made

cleaning up the messes i keep making
cleaning up the mess i am

I miss him today

my heart aches

Life is crazy and always changing

they call me a traveler

making connections and then continuing on

never stopping to ponder,

if what I am leaving,

should really be left.

I try to explore;
         to explain.

The constant pull I feel,
       telling me to wander on.

sometimes my heart

bewilders me,

and sometimes my brain

judges me,

constant nagging.

never ceasing to lecture me.



for my heart is a hopeless wanderer

It  seems lately my dreams are my only refuge

I wake and the same unsettling,
burdensome thoughts rush in.

soul heavy.

I drag it around throughout my day

clarity crashing in .
and-consequently,
****** back out and away

my head recently just barely above water

I am beginning to fear I may drown,
drown  in my own pathetic tears of uncertainty

what a melancholy disaster  I have turned out to be

Yet,

Each  day
(insanity )

I continue to wake,
wishing to stay in my dreams

And each day as I go through each motion ..
I feel further away

grasping .

Grasping ,

for solutions to my heavy heart

and so , the tears continue
and so, the storm rages on

and so ,

I find myself once again
with my head
just barely above water.

the forest floor is my bedroom

and for the brief moments  before the sun has woke

the forest is my sanctuary

my mind is silent

my heart full

and for those moments

I stop questioning

I stop processing

I am alive in the preset moment alone

I am free to just exist

and ****

how good it feels to just exist.

I work with many people

Some sad, some angry, some  lost.

I comfort those with tears

I de escalate those who are screaming

screaming to be heard.

I sometimes wonder if if I am even heard

if I even make a difference

I wonder if they hate my very presence

I wonder if

months have past
our bodies growing together
spirit, souls,
becoming tangled

But I leave you soon
and my heart is aching

and I am fighting the urge to push you
push you hard and urgently away


the plan for chaos was not a plan at all
merely an explosion of stuffed down emotions
that had been building ever so slowly

fear of losing you, fear of losing us

I rationalize,
this will make it easier
my head full of dark clouds
and now bittersweet memories
that once contained perfect nectar

a rare fruit we created together

and I fear so strongly the demise of us
I cannot tolerate to watch the leaves wither and fall

emptying our beautiful branches.

I 'd rather our tree burn
just as quickly as the fire that started between us

quick.
painless.


but to watch us fade
and watch our leaves fall
and watch our branches become empty

i must not
i could not

i cannot