Im here but im not the same person
im not the same person you once knew
its so hard to keep pretending i'm still that person
shes gone long ago
it took me only twenty-four months to realize how fake you truly were
it was a waist of my time to actually think you were my friend
behind the fake laugh and smiles it was nothing
you never actually knew me anyway

Good things rarely happen to me
and when they do happen they just end badly
they come crashing down and all i have left are burn marks and cuts to remind myself
of another life mistake to never repeat once again
deep down, way down at the end of the abyss
Is where the spark of hope always tries to light itself it never gets a flame but hope is always there
its the hope that makes me so bitter when things end so badly

It’s okay to not be okay
Don’t hold back the tears because you’re afraid to feel weak  
Don’t be afraid to scream because someone might hear you

When they ask what’s wrong?
And you reply with “nothing”
You say nothing because you’re afraid to say what is really wrong
They ask again “are you sure?”
And you say “Yeah I'm just tired [or insert other excuse]”

Most can’t see it
Most don’t know what you’re going through
Most don’t know that they are just adding to your pain
That they are doing nothing good but in return making things much worse

Life can be so hard
People can be so hard
Everything is so hard

Every day I paint on a fake smile
I dress up to hide my pain on the inside
I pretend to be so many things to hide my agony
I laugh when deep down I'm ready to break down and scream

Getting up every day is a challenge
That’s why so many just drown out their sorrows
Or bury it beneath the layer of smoke
By sprinkling on distractions to help you forget your pain

Falling and hitting rock bottom is the foundation to start over

I have lived to see the beginning and the end of all things
I was there when there was not even an idea
I have lived to see it all
My face may not be the same person after all this time

I may be ever so old but this face is so young
Ever so young and earning for new adventures
New adventures with new people
Things that will make the old ones seem like they were nothing

I have lived so long that this face has forgotten things that the old faces have done
Forgotten things that shall never be remembered
They are things that I shall never want to remember
Because they put my good name to shame

Things I have done to my people
Things I cannot go back and change
And save
My friends and family and the people I have forever hurt

That is the burden I must live with
All by myself because everyone is lost
Lost because of my actions
But i will never forget that in the end all of me saved them

Everyday is the same
I paint a smile on  face to hide my true pain
Maybe tomorrow I won't have to fake it anymore

It's been so long now that it's just become a habit
Day after day I feed myself lies in hope that they will come true
I say I'm fine but I'm not
I have not been for a long time

Darkness has over come me and I feel empty inside
What's there to be positive about?  
I can't even do good without something bad happening

I've stopped trying because what's the point
Nobody care about me
I'm all alone, everyone has left me to be

To be what?
I'm completely empty on the inside
Only a skeleton just barely making it through the day

My soul is gone I'm completely empty
My heart is all black, full of darkness and despair  
What more is there to life

Everyday is the same
I paint a smile on  face to hide my true pain
Maybe tomorrow I won't have to fake it anymore

When is tomorrow going  to come?
I can only say I'm fine so many times before
Before I break down and fall apart

Being alone with no one to care about me
About how I feel or what I do with my life
Because I don't matter to anyone anymore

They say it will get better
Don't get my hopes up because I know that's not true
I've gotten my hopes up too many times for them break down

Everyday is the same
I paint a smile on  face to hide my true pain
Maybe tomorrow I won't have to fake it anymore

Happieness is to be everything at once
But how do you expect to find Happieness if you don't know what it feels like
How are you to find something when you don't know what your looking for

Happieness used to get getting out and spending time with friends
To be happy I only had to be myself
Happieness used to come so easy

Optimism used to be my way of life
I'd look forward to everything to only have it come crashing down on me
Pessimism is how I live now, I don't have to ex pect anything positive to happen and when something good dose happen its a bonus

Now a days to be happy nothing majorly bad has to happen

Dark of night, no stars in sight
I'm driving home in the dead silence
Left with my thoughts

I was the last one standing
Everyone had already left
Left me to be with myself

Did you forget about me?
Things are not as they were
In the end I'm always left alone

Another day passes
And I'm left wondering if you even remember me
I'm still here where I have always been

I'm the one that never leaves
I'm the one that will always be there for you
I'm the one you can always come to

Where have you all gone
Would you even consider me your friend
Why am I the one left with the short end of the stick?

You always said that you’d be there for me
You said we would always be friends
You said that we’d stick together through thick and thin

But when was the last time that you put effort in our relationship?
At least six months ago
I'm to blame also, I've stopped going out of my way for you to remember me

In my phone I still have you as my bff forever
Do you even have that same number?
Am I even a contact in your phone?

It’s not like I don't see you in the halls all of the time
And you know where to find me
You ignore me when I try to talk to you

You know that I'm also going to go but you don’t ask to meet up
Or even attempt to find me
I'm the one who at least says hi

If you were truly my friend you'd realize that I miss you
All of you that have left me
I can still remember you but do you even know who I am?

I was the crazy one
That one that could always brighten your day
The one who was always happy

But that’s not me anymore
I'm still crazy like I have always been
But I keep getting left alone and my smile has faded and I don’t know what it looks like anymore

Friends are always supposed to be there for you
They are the ones you go to in bad times
There the ones you go to in good times

Who is left to be here for me?
Who am I supposed to go to now in my bad times
looks like my dogs are the ones to hear about the good times
If they ever happen

I should be used to being left all to myself in the end by now
It’s a common thing that happens to me
But I never expected my two greatest friends to leave me in the dark

I wonder around with myself
I am my own best friend
Not in a shallow way but in a way where I'm the only person that is always there for me

I'm not completely alone I do have some friends
People I can small talk with
People who truly don’t get to know the true me

But no one wants to get to know the true me
Because if they did then you guys may have never left
You perhaps didn't even notice it but I did

I know I'm not the same person I was before
But maybe that’s because you have all left
Did you ever think that all of you are the reason why I'm like this?

You guys have left me all by myself
And by doing so you have changed me
You have changed me for the worst

I was always there when you needed me most
I was always the one you could go to
I was the one who could brighten your day and make you forget all of the bad things

I need you now, so why have you disappeared?
Why can I no longer go to you?
At this point just acknowledging me will make me smile

Dark of night, no stars in sight
I'm driving home in the dead silence
Left with my thoughts

Tell me why you did it?
Tell me why did you had to go out and get yourself a girlfriend?
You had only just asked me out

Tell me why?
Tell me why I was not good enough
Tell me was it because I was older than you?
Tell me was it because I would be driving very soon?

Tell me why?
Tell me was it because I was more intellectual than you?
Tell me was it because she was prettier?
Or was it because you were afraid?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you had to rub her in my face?
Tell me why you chose her over me?
Tell me why you had to do that to me?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you continued to flirt with me when you were with her?
Tell me was she no longer good enough?
Tell me why you are still together?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you felt the need to know if I still like you?
Tell me why you wanted to know even though you are in a committed relationship?
Tell me do you no longer have feelings for her?

Tell me why?
You tell me how you like me
You tell me that you want me
You tell me you originally asked me out because you liked me

Tell me why?
Tell me why you and your girlfriend are still together
Tell me who do you want?
Tell me why have you been ignoring me?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you flirt so much with me?
Tell me dose she not matter to you?
Tell me how and why you and your girlfriend are still together?

Tell me why?
Tell me why I have to hide my feelings for you?
Tell me why you have to hide your feelings for me?
Tell me why does she hates me now?

Tell me why?
Tell me why she thinks I am the one to blame?
Tell me why you don’t back off when I ask you to?
Tell me why you are making me look like the bad person here?

Tell me why?
Tell me why I want you so much when I know I’m just going to get hurt in the end
Tell me why I still want you when you hurt me?
Tell me why I want you when you are just hurting me?

Tell me why?
Tell me why do you say we can be together in the summer?
Tell me why do you hate that I'm a vegetarian so much?
Tell me why do you have to put me down for who I am?

Tell me why?
Tell me how you can care so much for a girl and a woman?
Tell me why do you stand up for her when you care so much for me?
Tell me how I'm the bad guy here

Tell me why?
Tell me why are you still together after all this time?
Tell me why we have not gotten further?
Tell me why you are even doing this?

Tell me why?
Tell me why I don’t care anymore?
Tell me why I don’t care about her feelings anymore?
Tell me why I'm still invested in you?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you don’t care enough about her to go and cheat on her?
Tell me why am I so willing to let you commit adultery, just so I can get my first kiss?
Tell me is it just because you feel sorry for me or because you’re a ***** teen

Tell me why?
Tell me why I let you commit adultery?
Tell me why I have to feel guilty now?
Tell me do you feel no remorse?  

Tell me why?
Tell me why I let you cheat again?
Tell me why I did not stop when I knew there were other girls?
Tell me why did I want you when I knew you were a cheater?

Tell me why?
Tell me why did we have to get caught?
Tell me why I was willing to lie for you?
Tell me why I did not just tell her the truth?

Tell me why?
Tell me why did I still want you when at times you treated me like ****?
Tell me why when I knew you were trouble?
Tell me why did I keep going after you when I knew nothing more would come of us?

Tell me why?
Tell me why you never came to me for comfort when you found out she cheated on you?
Tell me were you able to see the signs?
Tell me are you now done with me?

Tell me why?
Tell me why did you have to ask me out in the most pathetic way possible?
Tell me why could you not just ask me in person?
Tell me why everything about us had to be kept hidden?

Tell me why?
Tell me why did you take her back?
Tell me why she took you back?
Tell me is it only because you know you can get some from her and you know I refuse to give you any?

Tell me why?
Tell me did you only peruse me because you had nothing better to do?
Tell me was it because you knew you could push my boundaries?
Tell me why I let our relationship go physically farther than it ever should of?

Tell me why?
Tell me why did things have to end as bad as they did?
Tell me why we could not end things and just be friends?
Tell me why I have to hate you?

Tell me why?
Tell me why I want to never remember my first kiss again?
Tell me why did I shed tears over you when you obviously don’t care about me?
Tell me why did you make all of those false promises?

Tell me why?
Tell me why I should not go and tell her the truth?
Tell me why I have to be the mature one here?
Tell me why did you have to break and shatter me?

Tell me why?
Tell me why do you want to talk after all this time?
Tell me why?
Is she is finally gone?
Tell me why I have to be your rebound girl?

I will tell you this
I will tell you this No not ever
I will tell you that I will never go back to the old me, the naïve girl that just wanted to feel loved and appreciated for once
I will tell you that because of you I am stronger than I ever was before
I will tell you that I'm not going to change just so I can have you
I will tell you this
I hate your gut and we won’t even be friends after all of this

We All hAve them
Some Are smAll and meAn nothing if discovered
Others if espied will either destroy yourself or those close to you
For some lying is their only choice
And their lies go to their grAve with themselves
Not everyone can lie with eAse
And others Are put in situations where lying becomes second nAture
They may not wAnt to lie  
But lying is their only choice
Like they sAy two can only keep A secret if one of them is deAd
You may thing your secret is safe
But As they sAy trust no one
And keep your friends close but your enemies closer
And never trust Anyone but yourself
BecAuse you know what you're capAble of
And you may not know truly whAt others are capable of  
Trust no one but yourself
BecAuse who do we have to turn to when All falls
BecAuse our lies eat us up on the inside
They destroy us and everyone we cAre about
They can turn even the sAnest person into an insaAe psychopAthy
It slices through people’s heArts and can come out of nowhere and stab you in the back
Lying is a game
We chose to play the game everyday
To protect ourselves and those who we love
Some lies we keep are not even ours to keep
And those are the ones that ear us alive on the inside
Puppeteers control us like puppets because of the lies we have told
And in the game of lying the only way to win is to be a good girl and have no lies

But even good girls lie

Just turn on the TV
It can be depicted on almost every channel
Open a book
Flip through the pages it is not hard to find
Turn on the radio
Everyone has sang about it at one time or another
Love can be found everywhere
I don't mean where you can find that special someone
I'm talking about where you can go and hear stories of fictitious love
Things that Hollywood can only make happen
We all wish for it to happen that way
But it never dose
It gives us a deceitful hope of how things really are
They make it look so easy and fun
When in absoluteness it is not always fun
They make it look elementary
They leave out the heartache, the pain and struggle
They leave out the tangibility
How things really play out
Why can’t they depict real wholesome love?
And show us what we are really looking forward to
Show little girls the truth behind their favourite story
In real life the road to bona fide love is a long and hard journey
And nothing like the movies
But sometimes that is good
Not all couples Hollywood has created can make it
And that shows us that Hollywood should not meddle with love
Because no one should meddle with love
Love is unpredictable, stressful, a roller coaster, but if done correct amazing
I'm young and have yet to experience love
But I have experienced more heartache than one deserves

day and night
i am always tired

but at night
i stay up just late enough
until i am exhausted enough
until i can fall into my bed
and into immediate slumber

because i can't stand
to lie in my bed in a dark room
alone with my thoughts
for so many hours

I'm not sure who I am anymore
I have changed so much and so fast
You keep holding on to me
The old me, the person who I used to be
And the old memories we made together
I will admit that those recollections are unforgettable
They may be the reminiscences of the old me
But why should that stop us from making new memories?
New commemorations with the new me
I'm not the same kid from you memories
But I will always be who that little girl was
I may be older and wiser
But I still need  you
And I still love you
So please don’t leave me
Now is the time that I need you immensely
I’m just not the same person I used to be
And I lost and have fallen between the cracks
I’m still here I’m just trying to discover who I am

I fed myself lies
Day after day to keep myself going
The fight has always been agents myself
And it always ends the same

I need time to heal
And time for the scars to breathe
Let the blood dry and wounds heal

I won’t ever forget
The feeling of falling apart and breaking down
Losing my mind and everything I had

I want to feel right again
I want to be whole again, I need it
I'm on the verge of self-destruction
And I don’t know where my tipping point is

This could be the end of me
Because I can’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror
I came so far, I've been so strong

I just keep feeding myself lies
It’s now a fixation to keep myself going
I've become addicted to the drug

Who am I now?
I have lost all hope so long ago
God save me now before it’s too late…