I dipped my pen in sugar
So I could write you something sweet.

Face-palm My laptop keys laugh,
Evidently amused by me.

Hands shaking as they clumsily undo
Buttons, zippers, clasps
Articles of clothing discarded

Every word that passes between us
Hangs suspended in the air
Like dust motes
Only larger, more distinct
Each facet perfectly discernible
By its own beholder's eye

This was wrong
I could feel it
As my synapses fired
Unconsciously guiding my hands down his back
Arching mine

It feels wrong
But mostly it feels
So
right
Now.

Tell them that
You need me just
As much.

Then they won't
Think I'm
Crazy.

I love you.

You awake in me the same excitement as the sound of the coffee *** bravely bubbling up something inside like the elixir of life that makes day-to-day, tedious trials more bearable.
Thousands of cups of coffee shared with you, talking out problems and people, with one rule: No pity parties at Purdy's, so we'd take walks.
Walks and talks and walks and talks, getting to know you, and me. Getting to know the feeling of Richmond beneath our feet, and we were free. Save, one passing comment on the adrenals and caffeine.  
And unknowingly, you taught a broken girl how to trust. Taught her that growing together with someone, like good coffee, is not something that should be rushed.

Never let our cups go dry
Never let our wallets or bellies go empty

Never let this music cease
Or our bodies be arrhythmic

Never let my sisters stop smiling
Or allow them to let go of my hands

Keep this family unit solid
And far from the corners of the globe

Always let our laughter be joyous
Never a single unhappy tear be shed

Keep us in this miraculous state
As eyes, hearts, smiles all glisten

And please don't let the sun set, Lord
Because this is the only day you've ever listened.

The storm rages wild outside the window
But with you in the room, my breath seems to slow
Till my fears brought on by the thunderbolts
Are not very much
Not even a little
Not even at all.

The glare on the wine glass from the glow of the fire
Warming me up from the inside and the bits of exposed skin
Till the chill from the wind
Is not very much
Not even a little
Not even at all.

As pleasant conversations turn to unspoken evaluations
Your eyes start to smolder
Till the space between our fingers
Is not very much
Not even a little
Not even at all.

You loved me, I thought,
But was exactly wrong.
Neither am I yet dead,
Nor very strong.

Your eyes searched mine
For hidden treasures and fears
All of my secrets
Collected over eighteen years.

I gave in and told you everything
You know, Sir, I'm not very strong.
You loved me, I thought,
But was exactly wrong.

We are not yogurt
Neither are we milk
Nor any other perishable item.
We need not be made
Of fine, fragile silk.

Help me reinforce our supports,
Our columns and beams.
Don't allow ticking time
To rip us apart
At the seams.

That doesn't have to be us.

Once upon a time,
In some imaginary land,
I knew exactly how it felt
To be with you, hand in hand.

When we kissed in this made-up place,
My head swam, and sparks flew,
Goosebumps rose, knees got weak
For me... But not for you.

But once the stars have left my eyes
And my heartbeat's not so rapid,
It's then I see that this was all a dream.
It never really happened.

When you look at me,
With eyes indifferent and dead,
I know this place where we were "we,"
Only existed inside my head.

I like you because you have let me be me,
Whatever that means.
Whatever that means.

You'd never mold me, change me, or readjust my seams.
You like me for me.
You like me for me.

I'd let you change my accent, my haircut, unimportant things,
Just don't cut my wings.
Just don't cut my wings.

You say you are Switzerland,
As a metaphor for your indifference.

But, it's not really fair
To say that the Swiss don't care.

It's only that they don't want to fight.
And I'll tell you what, baby:
Neither do I.

I was a glacier
Before the white-hot steel shard
Melted me from the core,
Piercing deep, touching my heart.

Now I am a pristine tropical sea
Teeming with innumerable life,
And I draw you inside.
You lose yourself in the ebbing tide.

Quickly you learn that
There is no controlling this force you have unleashed,
So you just go with the flow
Of the swirling ocean, me.

Swimming, exploring inside
You know salt water can never quench this thirst.
Pure joy smile touches sun sweet lips
You're caught up, content, in the glorious surf.

The look in his eyes
When he sees you.

That one special smile he shows
Only for you

Cuts me deeper than
A basilisk fang

And it burns
And I hope you feel the venom seeping out in these words.

If there's one thing I've learned,
Only wear your heart on short sleeves.

Makes it harder to come along
and cut out your heartstrings.

And I need
Someone who just wants to hold me.

Someone to come
chase away my lonely.

Open your ears,
Can't you hear that I'm green?

And I scream
Consumed by this senseless envy.

Patchwork stitching all
The scraps I have left of me.

Do you know what I see
When I look at you?

You're incredibly beautiful,
But aren't I beautiful, too?

If that's true,
Why the hell am I so ******* jealous of you?

When we are together,
We draw stares
But  we dismiss them without care.
I do not look like my mother.

We attract the queries of the passersby
Those who say we've caught their eye.
Adoption's not the reason why
I do not look like my mother.

I am my mother's, biologically.
They all say, "How can that possibly be?"
All that people take time to see is that
I do not look like my mother.

Sensitive yet self-assured,
With the world's driest sense of humor
You would swear, "That's Tania Junior."
I'm exactly like my mother.

Filled with pride and strong opinions,
Sweet, yet stubborn,
Always happiest when helping others,
I'm exactly like my mother.

The ultimate goal is always perfection.
Our brains seem to scatter
In the same general direction.
I'm exactly like my mother.

I wish I was your favorite song,
The one that's stuck in your head and seems to sing your life,
Just to know I'm on your mind.

I wish I could be the sun on your face,
On a perfect blue sky, Kentucky fall day,
Just so I can kiss your cheeks.

I wish I was a tree
Tall, strong with bowed branches outstretched,
Just so I might wrap you up in me, and protect you for once.

I wish I was a star,
Bright, and hot, and shining,
Just so that you might look at me and smile.

I wish I was the world,
Full of potential and possibilities,
Just so I could save myself and everything good inside me, all for you.

I wish I could melt into you,
Right through your chest,
Just so I could be closer to you heart.

Strategically I situated myself
So my like end would repel you,
Like magnets, I move when you do.

Whirling about in a silly little waltz,
Every step you take towards me
Leaves no change in our proximity.

Until one day I will let myself go,
Allow our poles to situate themselves out,
Resulting in my North to your South.

There is nothing more that we
Can possibly do
This force something ingrained in me, and in you.

It can't be controlled.
It's a scientific fact.
Just something that happens: Opposites attract.

I miss the warm whisper
Of your breath on my cheek.
It was the vaporized reassurance
Through which, I could do all things.

I will be there
When the small hands cry copper red
And the night closes in
Like his hand around your throat.

I will be there
When the purple-black-blue
Pervades the fleshy pink in-between
You think everyone sees.

And when the yellow soaked shorts
Clash the scarlet-splattered shirt,
I will be there, scooping you up
In arms soft as feathers,
Strong as steel.

There need be no more fear.
As long as I'm living,
I'm with you.
I'm here.

Spackle and fresh paint,
But the holes in the walls are still there,
Like the holes in my heart are still here.

I have learned to take your fist
And kiss it with my nose.
Will I miss your “tough love” when you finally go?

Spirits ripped from small walking corpses,
This house is filled with ghosts.
I’m so ******* tired of waking with a scream in my throat.

I've learned that poems are like tattoos;
Using specific names just ruins the art.
But, I want to ink your name so deep into this page,
It bleeds through, and stains my heart.

Panic
Throughout
Scary
Dreams

Patience
Tried
Summons
Danger

Personal
Turmoil
Self
Doubt

Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder

Glorious, life-giving sun.
Spreading rays spreading down to my spreading fingertip branches outstretched.
Kissing forehead, cheeks.
Gently waking me, washing off sleep. Fading out dreams.
Bringing me back to the place where the nightmares can't reach.

Cloud cover rolls in.
Shivering arctic wind shivering into my shivering limbs curved to fetal position. Ice-burdened branches.
Stinging nose, toes.
Forcing me under the surface through the crack in the skating pond.
Bones rattling like chains holding me in this overcast prison.

I've delivered your messages
Transcribed your letters
Worn heels and tight dresses
For you the past four years

No one knows better
Your favorite tie is argyle
You like your coffee lukewarm
And you prefer the pickle on the side

It began with passion-filled glances
But soon we were taking all our chances
To share stolen kisses
In the privacy of a custodial closet

Then came the late work nights
Telling my mother we had production to boost
When the only thing you were boosting
Was me onto your paper-littered desk

And I felt *****
Even though you said you'd do nothing to hurt me
I knew it was lies because you did nothing to help me either
And I loved you

I could care less for the moon
All I want is you to no longer make me suffer
Make me a wife or a mother
Something, anything other than just your secretary/lover

All because God made my skin the wrong color.

Funny, how in this
Tomb of a room,
Thoughts bloom
And threaten to consume me.

I thought that I was finally ok.
I thought we were on good terms.
I thought you thought good thoughts of me,
And my unclear way with words.

I thought you thought you could return a book
In exchange for a DVD,
And had faith that you would hear
No unkind words from me.

But I was wrong of what you thought
In no uncertain terms
And now all of the thoughts I had
Are meaningless words, words, words.

Please break the hands
the gears
the cogs
Of the clock

Which ticks away
the moments
the instants
the seconds
the time

Until our ultimate
fall
defeat
demise.

It seems that always,
In the shower,
Sin's washed clean,
And ideas flower.
So, forgive me if
I take an hour
To set my demons free.

I'll clear my head,
Calm my heart,
Relax my nerves
In this much needed time apart.
This is my chance
To go back to the start,
So I can be the only one you need.

I want a twenty-four hour long shower,
Water scalding, not warm,
To delight in life and pleasant thoughts,
And all of the fabulous wrinkles that form.

How black is too black?
Should I tan
To make up for the pigment I lack?

How white is too white?
Should I flatten my curls,
Then will I be alright?

Why must I cope with this balancing act?
Careful, not too many big words
Tip the stereotypical scale back to black.

Not enough for some, too much for others
Whose side do I choose this time,
The father or mother's?

It matters too much which race people see
Why can't I just be black or white enough
To make myself me?

Watching you these days
Is like watching a snake bite victim
As his bulging eyes glaze
First a general malaise, then no hope of being saved.

The serpent's fangs injected venom
Deep into your veins and then the fear set in,
The anger penetrated your consciousness,
Pulse forcing poison, cutting off oxygen.

Higher and higher, your heart rate
Makes the venom strangle sooner,
Squeezing your heart in its burning hand,
This is the serpent's last revenge for you not being her man.

She sneers as she strangles
Surreptitiously from the inside of your chest.
Soon your lungs have deflated,
And your struggling heart is compressed.

All I know now is that I need to find,
A new heart for you, so I offer up mine.
I cut open my chest as my lungs begin seizing,
Extract my last gift and place it in your hands, bleeding.

But little did I know, I was a moment too late,
Because then in your eyes I saw you had accepted your fate.
You gasped your last breath, and I gurgled out mine.
The serpent has won. This is not the first time.

I wish I knew just what to say.
That perfect thing to make you stay.

You know my heart, it breaks, my dear,
Because "I love you" is not what you want to hear.

Metaphorically, you are a sly simile,
Stealing my heart
Like the smooth criminal
You often pretend to be.

I am the ineffable euphony of
Melodious sing-song
Slip-falling through the space
Between tone-deaf ears.

Such handsome hyperbole
You have turned out to be.
Pompous, peacock-ing Adonis
Lending love that's just platonic.

Alliterative rhythmic rhyme
Ticks the tumultuous internal time.
Fleeting fiend, you soon will find
Lust in lieu of love is a loathsome, lonely life.

Words are like cinder blocks
Grout and brick
So make sure they have some substance
Be sure that they will stick

Pencils and chalk
Build straw and stick structures
Pens, however
Create true architecture

If your words have significance
If they ring through the firmament
Please write them in pen
Give them some sort of permanence.

This tiny precious growth
Was nestled in my womb
Until the day they wheeled me
Into that god-forsaken operating room.

Translucent paper gown
Is all I have to catch my tears
If only had more to cover myself
I might disguise my fears.

The doctors were well-meaning
The instruments they used, cold
They cut into me right past my heart
And straight through to my soul.

Can't you see you've taken everything?
All that might have brought us joy
I asked the nurse what my growth had been
You killed our son. My boy.