I don't know how to be in love. I honestly have no idea what love is supposed to look like. To me, love is a mother calling the police on a father when their daughter is 4. Love is grandparents never sleeping in the same bed anymore. Love is a 7 year old girl coming home to find her fathers things missing. Love is when he never comes back. Love is when none of them ever came back. Love isn't something magnificent or beautiful. Love is destructive. Love is terrifying and horrible. Love is to be avoided at all cost. Love is not something I know how to feel.

We are the children of electricity.
I run an idle finger down your loveliness
And feel only sparks.
They flicker in ecstasy against my hands,
And for the millionth time I force myself away
Terrified it's too much.
So much light inside of you,
My greed is overwhelming.
These shocks I have to harness for my own.
They can only be mine.
For I have no electricity of my own,
And rely on you for the light
To move through the dark days ahead.

Maybe you don't want Jesus to help you. maybe you like the darkness and you like having no one there to pull you out of it. But that's not what was meant for you. you were meant to feel every blow of every bullet shot by ex-lovers and ex-friends. you were meant to feel the burn of your organs going up in flames because that's how he left it and that's how it'll stay until another comes along with enough tears in him to put the whole thing out. Hopefully he doesn't drown in them when he realizes that even though you aren't burning, you are charred and those charred insides cannot love him the way he's asking them to. and hopefully he doesn't drown you in them while trying to fix you because we all know you'd rather burn from the inside out than have your mind be rid of the very one who lit the match in the first place.