I walked and walked, until I was nearly running;
As if I could match the pace inside my head
And as if I could leave these racing thoughts
Behind me; that calm would come and that,
As I raced frantically on, they would shed
As the pounds dropping from my waist.

I let my hands turn to ice, and I prayed
That the cold chill would creep inside,
And numb my heart as before; that I could
Freeze all these dark desires, and the ache
In my limbs would comfort me; and once
Again I'd find freedom in the empty air.

I could spin you tales of new-found health
Or of my rediscovered desire for the wealth
Of life, and all it has to give
But I could never lie to you.

I may be free but I'm still so shaky
In my goals and my life and being free
The notion of dreaming to forgive
Myself for all I've been through.

It's unfamiliar and now I sit the same
Aching, shivering, and calling your name
I suppose I don't know how to live
I'm scared I won't pull through.

Two bites, just two and you're free
You did it yesterday
Tell me, why can't you eat
Is it because you're guilty
Or because you think you're fat now
Do you choose this freely

One more, and sit, explain
Tell me why it haunts you, why
Human need has become shame
Why is one meal such a fight
Is your brain stopping you or
Are you just wanting to die

Starving is not an art, or poetry
It is not about looking good
I don't want anyone to want me
I simply don't want to need
And now I find myself trapped
By the fear and fallacy of greed

Those bites meant internal war
One of attrition, locked inside
What the hell am I fighting for
Do I want to be rendered ugly
So unattractive I won't be
Hurt, attacked once more and seized

Do I want to repel, or is it now
To be thin and perfect in
My miniskirt and arched brows
Do I want control over my world
As I feel it, myself, slipping
I am becoming an insane girl

If I starve can I stay alive
Can I bear my form and figure
Convincing myself I can survive
On smoke, sugar, and caffeine
On air and diet coke without effect
Do I just want to not be seen

Finish that bite, just swallow
Are you afraid of feeling full
Afraid your humanity will show
Do you fear being seen as weak
Or needy, somehow sad
Is a bone cage what you seek

Don't purge, your body can't take
Another absconscion now
However much you have come to hate
Feeling your heart and eyes
Brighten, really function again
Are you a slave to lies

The thought of it makes me sick
I see the swelling, bubbling
Fat and I seek to destroy it
Or to destroy myself maybe
I can never be quite sure whether
Living or dying is meant for me

I don't know how to live
How to exist in this world when
I have nothing new to give
No originality dwells in my blood
My brain sings familiar tunes
My thoughts linger dark as mud

How could anyone need me
Such a vacuum of malcontent and
Self destruction, I'm never free
To love; I chose not to anymore
To breathe; it only hurts me
To laugh; I closed all those doors

I tore out my heart and pretended
I was Davy Jones, or a skeleton
I wished my life had ended
At all those times I tried to die
Now you ask if I can eat
How can I when I don't see why

Sit still, don't go expending it
That fuel is precious, please
I promise that you need it
I'll remind you through the weeks
You promised to try now
You said you'd learn to breathe

Well you need to learn to sit still
Feel full and not poisoned
By food, you should not feel ill
For finally treating your body right
I know it feels strange
But maybe you will sleep at night*

I hear your reasons, I really do
But I'm so worthless inside
This feels like hell, I tell you
The pain, the sweeping sickness
The endless need to be empty again
Have I descended into some madness

Have I lost my mind along the way
To cutting out my heart
How can I bear another day
So laden down with shame and guilt
I'm forever waiting, it seems
I'm waiting for the hole to be filled

There is a hole inside my heart
My soul a void, a nonentity
Blackness; how could I start
To conquer it when I can't see
When I am blind, I am trapped now
By this hatred and yearly deceit

But you've sat and listened
You know I am not being spiteful
I feel one day I'll be forgiven
By parents, by lovers and old friends
I'm not defiant, I'm so lost
I guess this isn't how my story ends.

The trees sway; they bend not break
I wished I had been the same
The rustling leaves, my counterpart
I wish I had their strength at heart
I wished I could be so longstanding
Still their sighs feel understanding
Giants, behemoths; they sit and watch
The world go by, almost untouched
Unchanged except by the seasons;
I know my freefall had its reasons
I wish my heart had remained warm
With their power to weather the storm
But I broke, like some tender sapling
I stopped caring about futile things
I'm fragile, but I wish I were strong:
The curse of a life gone wrong
Or is it wrong; am I wasting youth
Or can I regrow as a willow, pruned
In spring can I echo their budding shoots
Will I ever learn to put down roots
And create some form of stability;
I wish the world had not broken me
I wish I could stand as tall as they
The trees who guard, sentinels of day
And in a way, I wish I was like them
Not fuelled by anger and the rage of men
I have been hurt and was too weak
It echoes in every word I speak
But like a seedling I need protection
To grow and change, to find direction
I need food and safety just like those
Trees need water, light, air to grow
They plant deep enough to own the earth
By sticks and stones they are not hurt
No words can break their cool demeanor
I wish I could become a believer
In calm and spirits, not racing fire
I wish I was not driven higher
By desire, the race to become worthwhile;
The madness haunted me as a child
I saw the trees; I am not the same
I live in mist, shadows and games
I play with flame and brush with death
It's a wonder there is anything left
Of me, but eyes to envy the trees
And hear some calling in the breeze.

The stars in their heavens
Nestle in velvet;
A mother puts her baby to bed
She tucks him in as the moon
Watches over him:
Plants a kiss on his head
The birds slumber quietly
In their nests of twig;
An angel makes the moon her bed
Trees curl although they
Are windbent;
Their silence is of the dead
Flowers furl their petals
Conserve beauty
For day when they shine in beds
Every creature settles down
They rest eagerly;
The moonlit sky sighs instead
Over me as I wander now
Aimless and restless;
I tumble through my head
If I do not deserve sleep
Cannot find it;
Then Lord I'd rather be dead.

I'm freezing from the winter within
Even under the sun I wither;
Empty-hearted, endless rejection:
Is life truly so unforgiving
Or is it my heart, my body,
Purely me predisposed to pain
And torture; am I so malignant
So unloveable and now so drained.

I'm sitting while the sun sleeps,
And the stars hover misty-eyed,
I'm trapped in some personal silence
In some self-made prison I rot, die
Have I been captured or abandoned
Or did I choose my isolation:
Hollow-eyed, did I lock this cage
Submit myself to this damnation.

I'm crying while the moon laughs
Its white face grins and burns me;
I'm running myself into the ground
To collapse, melt, weep daily
Over who I have lost through
Some poisonous desire to destruct;
For what I gave up, I incinerate,
I know now I'll never be enough.

*© Tara India