i bring myself up to meet u at the surface, u mow me down like cannon fodder
today was the last day u said hello, tommorow we wont even speak.
it's a restless age and we arent getting any younger.

There is no time more bleak and promising than the break of dawn.
The eggshell sky beckons with a powdery blue which promises of nobler and greater things just beyond our ever reaching grasp.

Rain slaps the pavement,
Low thunder grumbles, hungering and thirsting for more,
For me.

Shrill bird calls
the homely call of the crow
speckle the air with a spirit of understanding
(and a building intensity)
that simply cannot be felt ever again.
At any other time.

And I light a cigarette.
And I light a cigarette
because just like that.
The Beauty is gone.

Because in the time that it takes to coat the innards of my lungs with just one more layer of sludge,
The Beauty is gone.

The soft blue is usurped by a dull grey,
--a great that could only dream of the powerful
sting of a steel blade.

And people come alive again.
And my heart is broken.
Again.
Again, again, and
Again with the pathetic whorish promise of what could be,
but has not been,
and possibly never will be.

And yet I still hope,
And yet I still yearn for the promise of the powdery blue.

I slammed the door.
an echo strained it's way
throughout the universe
with a
shudder.


that made still even the pattering of children's feet.
or so i thought.
i believed myself to be far more powerful than i truly was,
or, perhaps, i was more powerful than i could possibly fathom.
regardless,
i shut the door.
i shuffled throughout the cold room.
white walls,
black tile floor
glinting in the fluorescent light.
cold radiated throughout the room
it was impossible to tell whether that cold
was inherent to the room or
if the room was inherent to the cold.  
regardless,
i shivered.
my body shook violently with the disgusted vibration of a
million
angry
bees.  
i continued to walk, the hallway stretched forever.
each step added
a
m
i
l
l
i
o
n
inches
to the length i would never cross.
Zeno crossed my mind.  
I had never believed he was correct but in that moment,
i could never doubt him.  
I took a step, the hallway stretched,
I took a step, the hallway stretched.  
I took a step,
the cold permeated the pores of my body.  
I took a step,
the fluorescent lights stung my eyes.  



At last, the end of the hallway.

I did not see a mirror but, rather,
an alternate universe.  
I saw myself,
most poised and calm as I had ever been.  
I could not be the same person
That I was staring at.
This being pored into my soul.  
This person gnawed upon my
mind and
exhilarated my senses.  


This could not be me.  
The eyes across the glass, identical to mine own.
stared.
stared.
until i was forced to look away.
i glance back.
the eyes continued to
stare.
continued to
stare
with an entrancing understanding
that i did not even bother to wish upon myself
the base futility of this wish rendering it meaningless.
this being, this was not me.
another realm i had seen,
for only that moment.  
another realm so close,
i may just have touched it.

They were only whispers to you, ‘cause you were deaf to me.

Down that path I fell
Into madness
As though a spell
Threw me into darkness
Wings sprouted from my back
This feeling this emptiness
I took flight as a bat
This craving for blood is senseless
From the brotherhood, to the dark gods we pray
We take flight together in search for our prey

I watched the words tumble from your mouth,
Without a doubt they fell,
I watched them form a misty cloud,
Without a doubt you couldn’t tell.

I watched you stumble over yourself,
Recorrect your story,
Edit the missing parts,
Fill in all the dark and gory.

I watched you, oblivious and blind,
In a haze of dark smoke,
I watched you fluidly, lie after lie,
I hope you ******* choke.

I hope you ******* choke.

And if my hate 'aint clear enough
Heres another line or two
You really thought I meant it
When I said I love you too?

My mother said I had my fathers eyes
I always thought I kinda looked like a bug
But not in that
Strange-insecure way
Just in the way we stare at lady bugs when were kids
And we don't judge them,because they just are
Before we learn to be afraid
And start calling them "insects"

My mom also said, drugs were the best thing that ever happened to her
to the world
to society
A teenage girl in a woman's body
Forever sifting through history
The never ageing blue eye'd hippie;

So I set out on a journey
to somehow find what she said was so great
I swore to myself that I would be the next drug
And do what it takes
To change the world
   To change society
     To be the best thing that ever happened to my mother
        The eternal hippie

I also think the women in my family
Have this uncanny knack
At finding these beautiful
wrecks of men

Her last boyfriend blew his brains out
  I was three and thought we painted the walls

Steven was her boy toy, with an artist's deep dark eyes
  I used to watch him paint
   He'd drink a little too much
   watch a little too much ****

She found him in his car
And then Brett
Who was the whitest thing we saw
Blonde hair and white eyes
  Well by the time we got there
He was already gone

So she says to me "Honey, don't make the mistakes I made, these weak men,
    well they aren't tortured artists, tortured souls, just misguided little boys."

     I haven't been able to quite shake that curse off
  I guess its something in the nature
  In the way that we walk
    The words that we say
      The way that we talk

But I'm sick of being the unpaid therapist
And staying up all night thinking about
   Problems that aren't even mine

  Dangling the live's of people with this terminal illness
    This disease no one talks about
      Because its so ******* "Taboo"
         Hoping they will survive the night
             Leaving my phone on just instead

Being thankful when they call me
Drunk and sobbing
About this dark abyss of water
The chains around their ankles
In the light dawn of day
The clock says, 4 AM, the bed says come
Their cries say "stay"

Holding their mother's hands
At funerals
Thinking of something beautiful to say
When really, I think I just need to start hanging around with a new bunch of people

But I find everyone else quite boring, quite stupid, quite dumb
You know, the kind, go out get drunk
For the sake of a friday
Study for a test you'll take on monday

Its like they never feel
out
   of
      place
And like they will always be
quite
    okay

  I hope they will make it through the weekends
    Make it clear they are not alone
      But ive always been icky with emotion
         Talking about these "heavy" things
I
   just
      want to
quit