40 bucks and my self respect

because when you call a month later
after shutting me out
to get high and **** somebody else
I still pick up and I lie to myself

I won’t go  back
ok, but I won’t do a line
ok, but I won’t get in bed
ok, but I won’t have ***

ok but, I will
ok but, I do

he told me I was a "på-person"
loosely translated to an on-person,
I was alive. And I could prove it.
yes, I'll leave this coffee shop to
go halfway across town for sushi
with the Danish boy I just met.
yes, I'll let you take me home
after and yes I'll ******* on
the first date.
yes, I'll spend the night instead of
studying for my final and yes I'll
go to class in last night's clothes.
yes, I'll chase you from club to club
in the middle of your ******
so we can ride the city bikes at 4am.
yes, I'll jump naked into the harbor
even though the water is frigid
and the sun is already rising.
yes yes yes

but no
I won't forget

when you left you stole
a part of me i had been
growing writing creating
for years
for my life

i was unabashedly alive
i could be fierce
hopelessly free
i was so much more

how can i replace that

being beautiful got me to his bed
to the couch in his basement
to the old **** carpet that
had never been replaced.

being beautiful made me feel wanted
alive again

until another girl was more beautiful
on her back
on her knees.

being beautiful got me unanswered calls.
collapsing to the shower floor with a
hand over my mouth
his name in my mouth.

he taught me that i was beautiful,
he taught me that it meant nothing

i open up
they walk away

it's ok to decide
you don't want me.
i won't keep tugging on
your sleeve to try to
make you love me.
but after all i have given,
after all we have shared,
i deserve to know
why.

don't leave
if you can't
mean it