these ****** playing for both sides
i gotta watch my step

dealing with cards I dealt
i tend to overstep
i tend to-
im tryna find myself
tryna define the pen
water repeating cycle
vacuum the rug again
vegetables in the sink
i tend to overthink
i'll never get over this
feeling anemic again

the **** can take a toll.

smoke alarm still chirping,
my forehead against the wall

cycle of sin, tryna stop it
typing this in, prolly drop it
wait, lets weigh my options
2 weeks, a fortnight
till this **** will be over with.

i been alone in my **** for the longest,
future ain't as predictable as it seem
tired as ****, ain't been sleeping right
at the bottom of the pit,
seeing hallucinations of the past
my presence is fading

I really ain’t been sleeping right,
shivering but I’m not cold

midnight, face first into the pillow
thoughts feeling ethereal
dreading the morning, eternal rest is what I’m feeling
ah ****, there he goes again
talking about his problems
everybody go through something, you ain’t special.

tryna find something in these words that I type up
i wanna be alone, but I also envy the friend groups
why do the morally wrong get all the praise?
tryna figure out all this **** in my brain
thoughts are chafing.

ima be alright though.

it’s kinda awkward now.
kind of like a void, you know?

we were talking, and now we’re just not.
I wonder what’s up with her?
honestly, I thought it was going well
until it wasn’t.
keyboard been abandoned too,
haven’t even been jotting stuff down.
so infatuated.

i love that girl though.

maybe in the future,
I can find what I’m looking for.

it feels like I’m just wasting away.
a corpse in the closet,
waiting to be found.

the sound of seats scraping against the floor
rings against my eardrums as I sit
at my desk.
my eyes dart over to yours across the bland classroom,
the melody from your headphones jumping with joy.

your long hair, usually bound, now spills free–mesmerizing.
the soft strands yearning to be felt by my slender fingers.
I realize I stared for too long,
because now you were looking at me
with a look I couldn’t read.
now I wanted to look away.
but I don’t.
we’re locked.

we stood for the pledge, the other students masking our
view of each other.
I stare down at the peach-colored floor,
my bashfulness shrouding my mind.

during the moment of silence,
I picture me and you,
far across the land,
frolicking in a meadow,
the spider lilies tickling our legs,
our fingers laced together,
the silence we share is not uneasy.

but, in disappointment, I know
that this is just a dream I carry,
just a painting on the canvas of my mind.