#unedited
I don't know why You made me. Or why I can't choose to not be here anymore and that be okay.
Or why I am so blind to my own condition until it's blazingly obvious to everyone else.
It hurts to be reminded of all my failings, and not know the direct source. It feels like a problem I'm expected to know how to solve by everyone around me.
It hurts to not have a clue.
It hurts to think sometimes, knowing that all of my thoughts are deceitful, including the ones about You.
It hurts to lack the capacity to comprehend a future. Because all I know is right now, and back then.
I don't know what steps I need to take to see what is supposed to come after. So people say I lack direction.
And right now feels unbearable much of the time. People see the evidence of that in my inefficiency at work, in my lack of circumstantial awareness, my relational imbalances, and in the time it takes things to click for me.
All I can tell them is I'm sorry for being slow, for not seeing a bigger picture that comes so naturally to them. For not knowing how to trust my own brain to work.
For being a different percentage of myself each time they see me, therefore I'm accidentally inconsistent in my processes.
All I can do is apologize without knowing how to change.
When reminded of these facts, I wish I didn't have to be here anymore and that be okay with You.
Mar 21
Mar 21, 2026 at 5:47 AM UTC
i only find myself weakly present now
letting the past go but finding it only relevant
as i find myself weaker and in need of strength.
but in the past i was not strong
i was weak and found my courage in darkness
and in light i misplaced it again and again
though the future feels bleak and empty
pointing to my true fate's north bearing
the same fearless demeanor i felt
as i believed i died,
and i believed i lived,
and found myself between.
though curiously,
amidst cloudy thoughts and dreams,
the mist keeps me anxious
of seeing what will be
and every time i choose my step in
and every time i don't give in
the inch that takes me further
leaves me stronger than i ever was.
so please sit with me
o speaker of my thoughts
have tea and honey and leaves
enjoy your break and scenery
because another inch from here
the cloudy mist of confusion and fear
will be back to guide me astray
i just hope not like yesterday.
Jun 28, 2020
Jun 28, 2020 at 9:11 PM UTC
In that way
If you happen
Art happens
And the rest is history
Nothing
And everything
At once
It makes
That difference
Reason to believe
Naive silence
That you are
Jan 11, 2020
Jan 11, 2020 at 9:23 AM UTC
#*Confetti and streamers
The music played by the universe
Oh so free
Never heard, deeply felt
Slow on the breeze in a second to freeze
Distant temple sounds of conches
Sacred Chants
Little bells jingle mid air
No strings simply free
Of mossy trails
Snow stilled lakes
Vast expanse
Not one soul to dance
Free untouched
No trails to follow
Nor to leave
Magically written
And erased on the glassy slate
Never seen yet closely known
The trees of ancient world
The bark thick and strong
A house to dream
Ten storied tall, lasts long
A place so cool, full of warmth
Of the cashmere shawl
Paisley embroidered wrap around
In colours of the valley flowers
Shikara dreams*#
Aug 15, 2019
Aug 15, 2019 at 9:03 AM UTC
question: why didn't you turn your work in?
answer: being alive and having to function as a human being day after day is an exhausting and unsustainable exercise that i don't know if i can continue forever.
answer: i get so depressed that i can't move, can't do anything but wallow in my own revolting, pathetic self-pity.
answer: there are messages on my phone, friends trying to reach me, wanting to know how i am. the thought of replying to or looking at them fills me with dread.
answer: i've been thinking about entropy and the eventual, inevitable end of the universe. one day, on a scale that none of us can even comprehend, everything will be nothing and time will be meaningless. human civilization, all of our monuments and cities and societies, will be gone, with no one and nothing left to remember them. every act of cruelty and of kindness, any anger or joy or sadness ever experienced will mean nothing when us and all of our everything will be returned to the dust from whence we came. it's more than me contemplating my own morality, it's me trying to come to terms with the futility of the human experience. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with this sort of inconsolable nihilism i can't sleep.
answer: i'm scared and i'm tired.
answer: sometimes
answer: i wish
answer: i was
answer: anywhere
answer: but
answer: here.
answer, spoken: i don't know. can i give it to you tommorow?
Apr 22, 2019
Apr 22, 2019 at 4:11 PM UTC
A sudden burst of sound jolts me from sleep,
I am now awake and listening closely,
my room is dark and the streetlights outside are all burnt out,
car doors close and someone swears outside my door.
The home alarm beeps and I know mother is home,
and through muffled voices I hear her and my stepfather,
I poke my head out my door and can see her defensive stance,
she is ready to explain her late arrival,
dressed in nice clothes and her hair still groomed,
a stark contrast again her grimey boyfriend with stains down his front.
It is the same as usual,
an argument about the workload divide in this house,
mother is crying and her lover is screaming,
and neither consider the children watching.
A turn towards the stairs and I close my door,
I climb back into my bed and his words burn into my skull,
and mother’s crying as permanent as always,
my room is dark and the streetlights outside are all burnt out.
Always defensive and never offensive,
mother will never have control of her life.
Feb 4, 2019
Feb 4, 2019 at 11:18 AM UTC
(USA)
Change is a coming
And it don't look good
Flooding , hurricanes
Burning neighborhoods
Ice melting
And flowing this way
They're seeding the clouds
With vapors and rays
The water is undrinkable
Where I grew up
I'm quite sure
Our government
Is quite corrupt
The people of Flint
Are standing in lines
For hours and hours at times
To get clean water
Cause there's lead
And death
In the city water lines
Imagine that
Right here in the U.S.
A third world design
.....
Nov 27, 2018
Nov 27, 2018 at 8:34 AM UTC
Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.
Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.
Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.
Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.
Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.
Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?
Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.
Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.
Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.
Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.
Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.
Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.
Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.
Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.
Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.
Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.
Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.
Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.
Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.
Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.
Sep 17, 2018
Sep 17, 2018 at 7:38 PM UTC
Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.
Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.
Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.
Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.
Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.
Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?
Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.
Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.
Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.
Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.
Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.
Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.
Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.
Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.
Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.
Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.
Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.
Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.
Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.
Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.
Sep 12, 2018
Sep 12, 2018 at 12:32 AM UTC
they will not live
they do not live
as I stare at the tank,
willing, hoping, praying for motion
nothing
they say the third time's the charm
we reassure each other
as we pour the remains away
so many regrets on choosing brine shrimp
my initial joy in the lab goes down the drain
with the dead
brine shrimp
Jan 9, 2018
Jan 9, 2018 at 10:48 PM UTC
an immortal of ice
his brother barely human, only human
human enough to love
Jan 8, 2018
Jan 8, 2018 at 8:52 PM UTC
Poetry
wordy, enlightening
writing, singing, living
speaking true / another point of view
drawing, painting, creating
representation, uplifting
Art
Jan 4, 2018
Jan 4, 2018 at 8:59 PM UTC
Do memories make a man?
If who I am is grounded in my experiences,
as I age, do I lose myself?
And if I lose myself,
where do I go?
Jan 3, 2018
Jan 3, 2018 at 4:03 PM UTC
have you ever cried upside down?
felt the tears stream up your face
down with gravity
and into all the wrong places?
felt the droplets, cooling as they race away from their mirrored origin,
slide over furrowed brow
across forehead and temple to dampen the sliver-thin hairs—
the ones that glow when lit from behind
—and rest where skin meets strand?
no
you have not felt these things
how could you have?
your world is always right side up.
Sep 29, 2017
Sep 29, 2017 at 4:10 PM UTC
*I am light
Always bright
Jump start
Give others a spark
Full of zeal
Always lead
Take initiative
Make the things continue
Uplift and motivate
Ready to celebrate
But sometimes
I too feel low
Nothing gets go
I too feel blue
Nothing i can pursue
I too feel drained
Inside pained
Going in dark
I need a spark
Someone to hold me
Deeply console me
I too have my set of problems
I too need to be pushed by others*
***But unfortunately
Finding nobody
I end up writing poetry
To unload and revive me finally***
Aug 11, 2017
Aug 11, 2017 at 12:52 PM UTC
outa sight outa mind I haven't missed you in a while cause
**** things have changed
no more hoping or wishing or thinking bout you
you haven't called me in over a year
you been with her for over a year
but then you come back even just for a second and I
wanna tell you everything you've been missing
how I've seen the world and found my passions
how I've laughed and cried and grown without you
the books I've read
the people I've met
wanna share them with you
wanna share you with them
but you'll be gone before I can
utter the words
before I can ask how you are
before you can ask how I am
you dance in and out
using poetry as your vessel to remind me of what we share
our mutual existence in this crazy world
our coexistence
back for a second you'll be gone for a minute
I miss you already
I've forgotten you again
Aug 9, 2017
Aug 9, 2017 at 11:29 AM UTC
I'm so frustrated at myself
you have no clue what you're doing
No creativity, no soul, no truth
Just going through the motions
I thought guys were the problem
no the problem is myself
I was so happy but what happened
I feel hurt, broken, annoyed
My future is so cloudy.
My present is so manipulated
Ignoring my problems through music
Where's the crafty girl I know
I'm frustrated and angry
Bruises on my head
I'm acing my classes but I'm so fake.
I'm faster but not stronger.
Where is the girl I know
Nov 22, 2015
Nov 22, 2015 at 6:41 PM UTC
Your skin glows in darkened windows
Turns paste dimly similar darkness
An open mouth filled with seeds
Spilling roots into my feet
Which twist and bend and scream
As I break and fall and dive
From the window above that of my own soul
And roll and cry where flowers might have bloomed
Inside you neck where my hand resides
As the motions turn change turn upside
Down beneath your skin I feel new blood flow
Causes a dimmer of eyeballs invisible
To none but you
The quiet air is worse than loud chaos
The energy that infects so many
Another victim smiles for love
And another lover smiles for
What's there not to smile for
If every face you see transforms and bends
Into a likeness you can hold
And in your elbows you get a spike
Of tingle the arms that protect
Or once was thought to do before
The air grew cold and summer fell down
Where I fell like a rock on glass
The door shatters on my feet like before
Cut open the blood of friends
Ghosts left behind
Who still hold you without wanting to
Though they would have
And empty pools with fleshed out ghosts
You can't hold or hear or even see
But your bones grow cold and rip your skin
As you grow and change and grieve
And hold yourself and all that's real
For the time being
And **** the straw and close eyes
And disregard yourself
If you never have a plan
You walk into the woods and find
The trees are all different
With different branches to poke your eyes
And make you blind
And your surroundings blur
Cannot walk anymore
So carry me home and lay me down
And rest inside my stomach and
Make me breathe
I'll make you breathe
And cause the pump to pump
Pull the lever push the switch
To turn on the glowing light
Inside your skin
Turned away and looking at a glow
That I cannot see
Please feel me like I feel you
Even though I said I haven't
I haven't seen this light before
Sep 24, 2015
Sep 24, 2015 at 9:33 PM UTC
There is so much that I want to write
Express how all of these occurrences affected me
Put on paper the way this music has me feeling
But each time I begin
It all feels wrong
I delete all the lines I had down
Contemplating if lines of another sort would be good
Wishing I had toxins to consume me
Just as their lack of presence does
Those who are here are not the ones I crave
Just like I crave those pills again
That terrifying sensation
To fill my time just like years past
But I know that I want to be here when they return
Whether that be two days or two months
So I leave that sensation in my past
Dreaming of new ones that I want to experience
With someone who is supposed to be back here with me soon
I impatiently await for them to return
On the edge of all my seats
Waiting for the night I do not have to go back
To this prison they call home
But can be in his arms all night as my worries dissipate
While poisons fill me
As his presence soothes me
Aug 23, 2015
Aug 23, 2015 at 12:14 AM UTC
I slapped her
Hard
She deserved it
**** if I care what bridges I burn
All I see in my future now
Achole
Drugs
***
Loud music
It took two years
But I did it
I ended that **** for once
Not her
I just burned another bridge in the process
**** it
I don’t ******* care
I feel it now
I will actually go after him
**** my fears
If they rear their ugly heads
I’ll slap them like I slapped that *****
My life is mine now
**** everything that has been holding me back
The old me is now dead and buried
No more bullshiit
I will take what I want
When I want it
I dont ******* care anymore
Look over your shoulders
Lock your doors
Here I ******* come
My matches are lit
And my mind is made
**** this
Jul 2, 2015
Jul 2, 2015 at 11:28 PM UTC
I thought I had moved on
Left my fear in the past
But sometimes
I can still feel his hands on me
His hair against my thighs
His breath on my neck
Him keeping me pinned to his chest
The leather of his backseat
Against my bare legs
His clumsy fingers
Are all I can feel sometimes
Jul 20, 2015
Jul 20, 2015 at 2:42 AM UTC
How do I say this?
I mean I have worked hard
To be able to
I told myself I would tell
The next person to test me
But when it happened last night
My attempts were futile
I still couldn’t say it
Weakly I pushed him away
He wouldn’t stop though
His tongue was down my throat
He gripped my ***
I didn’t enjoy it
But I couldn’t bring myself
To tell him that
Others want us together
Maybe I should give it time
Let him do as he pleases
That’s what they want
They tell me he’s great in bed
Do I dare?
No.
I can’t let anything happen.
Again.
I need to fully consent
But I don’t think I could with him
He’s so strong though
If I don’t tell him
He will take my silence as consent.
Again.
How can I say it?
Do I want to?
Yes.
I do.
He isn’t who I want
But is who I’m supposed to
No one would bat an eye
If I said I was with him
Unlike with the other
For I know they would ask
He likes you?
I thought he wasn’t your type?
You gave it up, didn’t you?
Maybe I should give it up
But with who?
Do I consent to something
I’m supposed to like?
Or to what I want to try?
Do I allow something that is to come?
Or do I wait for what I want
That might not come?
Maybe I should become
That **** that they keep calling me.
I guess I’ll wait to see
If I consent.
Jul 20, 2015
Jul 20, 2015 at 12:42 AM UTC