#tics
I’m banging my head thru the wall. That tic and click as my head tics back and forth just begging to be twisted it off.
Off like a switch of a twitch that is itchy that can’t be itched because it’s deep inside the clicks and ribs that can’t be ripped.
I’m living with the constant tremble of a broken twitching and shifting body that won’t stop clicking and picking until I can’t control an ick.
Feb 26, 2025
Feb 26, 2025 at 3:00 PM UTC
Tourette’s
uncontrollable
loud inside stares from outside
Suffering from inflated embarrassment and shame
Unknown, only known by me
suppressed until I cannot anymore
I am not my tics, but they are in me
they follow me, poke me jabbing to be included in my life
sudden, and uncomfortable they feel extreme
I blink excessively to shrug off the tickle in my brain
My shoulder seizes and jerks back in forth up and down
With no warning, I start to yell or grunt, scared of my excessive tics
I cry afterwards full of shame and misery
Hands start to flail as I rock back and forth
back and forth back and forth, I’m okay I am going to be okay
Comfort in the uncomfortable knowing my secret that cannot be exposed in my own company
but what about when there are others around me,
I hope no one noticed and I feel like a failure once again
I suppress when others are around and free my spirit when alone
I look at myself and my face contorts until it feels correct and the tics are over
Until next time I feel the uncontrollable
nonstop
smothering
repressed
constraint of my tics
Nov 18, 2021
Nov 18, 2021 at 2:39 PM UTC
"Tick, tick, tick,"
The little watch shouts.
He sits inside my pocket
And awaits me drawing him out.
Tic, tic, tic
It's time for me to rest.
Society and anxiety
Give me too much stress.
"Tick, tick, tick,"
His voice puts me to sleep.
I love his perfect rhythms-
The perfect time he keeps.
Tic, tic, tic
The second I put him away,
The vicious tics come back
I wish they wouldn't stay.
"Tick, tick, tick,"
Directly into my ear.
The only way to stay 'normal'
Is through the rhythm I hear.
Tic, tic, tic
Whenever I am stressed,
The painful tics come back
And cannot be suppressed.
"Tick, tick, tick,"
The second-hand marches on.
Enduring all his hardships,
He's rewound every dawn.
Tic, tic, tic
My fists are bruised and aching.
"What a crazy spaz"
Society's gaze is saying.
"Tick, tick, tick,"
My lovely watch proclaims.
I whisper the rhythm back;
The perfection keeps me sane.
- - -
I need my pocket watch beside me.
Though it may not seem I do.
You simply do not understand
The troubles I'm pushing through.
The terrible sounds and motions
Are so very, very draining.
The worry to always suppress,
Wears out by the day's ending.
My watch sits beside me,
Ticking as I write this
(Ticking so I don't have to),
And reading as a witness.
Nov 24, 2020
Nov 24, 2020 at 12:28 AM UTC
ticcing in bed with a sore body is painful.
every position hurts
it’s nothing comfortable
good night
Jan 30, 2020
Jan 30, 2020 at 11:00 PM UTC
I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.
I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.
Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.
Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.
I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.
I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.
It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.
It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.
I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.
They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?
I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...
Dec 30, 2018
Dec 30, 2018 at 7:28 PM UTC
Another word gets lost in my throat,
Ravaged by the blindness
That my heart conjured up.
All I can hear is the devil
Whispering into my ear,
Saying “just one more” amidst the white noise of a room of a hundred people.
Every letter starts dissolving
Into my coffee,
Slowly drifting away into the meaningless impulse.
My lungs are congested,
Carrying all the lust I smoked.
There’s a black plastic bag around my head,
Defying all the rules of the universe,
Making sure that I see nothing
But numbers and words and
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Jun 2, 2018
Jun 2, 2018 at 11:22 AM UTC
“Pop”
My hands are out of control,
my mouth is going POP-PPP!
Anxiety is swallowing me whole,
and my mind is a hole I’m trapped in.
You’re just doing that.
You’re copying, mimicking, mocking.
Nothing is wrong with you.
No, no, no. Nothing.
Pop.
I can’t tell anyone but two.
I’m alone and scared and shaking.
Anxiety is making it (POP) worse.
My hands are flying and I’m crying,
and I know I’ll go and research.
Tics can be verbal or physical.
POP, Wax, arms and wrists, clap, shake. Pain.
Words like anxiety, chronic, syndrome, POP out at me.
Symptoms call me down to two tic disorders.
And until my parents belive me, I’m falling, falling, falling,
Falling into anxiety’s cold grasp.
Pop.
May 24, 2018
May 24, 2018 at 10:34 PM UTC
When I weep I remember
Unplucked eyelashes
Arms free from scars
Boxes full of bandages
Bottles full of pills
I remember
Unbitten nails
The skin on my
Elbows
Knees
Lips
When I weep
I mourn the pieces of me
My past poisoned
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018 at 9:20 PM UTC
I am a clock
Counting eternity
Tick tock
Tick tock
tic
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018 at 9:17 PM UTC
I twitch
I shout
Without thinking
I move
I make noise
I don’t have any control
I ****
I yelp
Without thinking
I flick
I whimper
I never had control
I jump
I yell
Without thinking
I twist
I scream
I’ll never have control
Mar 5, 2018
Mar 5, 2018 at 8:17 PM UTC
I wake up
head ****
shoulder roll
tongue click
I get ready for school
head ****
head ****
groan
I get on the bus
oi
whimper
I put on my headphones
arm ****
People stare
oi
I suppress
They build
The minutes drag on
Like an itch they can’t be ignored
The bus can’t go fast enough
They’re pushing up
We arrive at school
They’re going to escape
I run off the bus
They begin to explode
head ****
arm ****
I distance myself from the students
oi
arm ****
head ****
head ****
groan
tongue click
tongue click
whimper
They stare
shoulder roll
arm ****
shoulder roll
whimper
oi
oi
Everyday I tic and twitch
Mar 3, 2018
Mar 3, 2018 at 10:35 PM UTC
cap decisions
let me decide
look at me
little
girl
am
i
crazy looking enough
she spat at me
that wasn't very nice
she spat again
direct
hit
she wasn't
an
little girl
she
had big spit
she thought we would quit
we just wiped it off
with
an
lick
she smiled
pulled
an
knife
she lunged forward
my heart
oh
my
heart
now my death
is
my
welding
?
...
..
.
Feb 6, 2018
Feb 6, 2018 at 7:25 AM UTC
I miss you so horribly I have a heartache just to hear your voice.
I want you so badly I get sad just remembering how you used to wait for me.
Then you ran away.
This distance put you in better shape and gave you a better mind, a better girl, and a perfect life.
You were the best part of that day.
I shook and couldn't sleep all night just knowing someone liked me the way I was.
The way I was got to be too much for you to see and hear.
You are gone. Never thought I'd have to put it in words.
My words were threats and power to you.
Every other man down brings me back to you.
You are one of not that many who liked me the way I was.
I hate living with myself and having my baggage to carry,
So it's you who gets to be gone,
and you who gets love.
I'm not fighting for her to be me, since birth I've been fighting to be loved for the way I was.
But I know deep inside you were never phased to begin with.
That's why.
Feb 3, 2016
Feb 3, 2016 at 11:20 PM UTC
Ten snorts, six twitches and four eye squints later
Despair starts kicking in.
I've lost control of my body again.
Dec 31, 2015
Dec 31, 2015 at 1:12 PM UTC
A woman I once worked with
Was ordinarily quite intelligent
But when it came to pronunciation
She could become belligerent.
Her way was the right way
And she brooked no question.
Braving her ire, I decided there
Was one I had to mention.
She said the word comf-tubble
And I said that was incorrect.
She got so very irate with me
That I feared for my own neck.
She called it socially acceptable,
Her ghastly mispronunciation.
I said it was a sign of the times
The slippery slope of our nation.
If people were to go on and cease
An honored way of speaking
Then, we are all of us adrift
In a doomed skiff that is leaking.
She said some more to me
But I quit paying much attention.
There were too many “I means”
And “you knows” to mention.
There were ‘haftas’ and ‘ominas’
And the sad utterance, ‘wannabees”.
This poor soul would not pass
The first hour of a spelling bee.
I wondered if this poor soul
Had seen on a computer screen.
The words just as she was saying
On some website she had seen?
I accept that nobody in the USA
Or even in Merry Old Blighty
Says words like Wednesday
Comfortable or February rightly.
It’s like there is an international
Formal and binding declaration
That nobody need say these words
Correctly in English speaking nations.
We can lapse into hickbonics,
We jess *** tah stumble along
And say set instead of sit, and
Others we so often say wrong.
We kin say double pneumonia
And quay’s eye and nukeyoulurr,
Irregardless and even *** cans,
And nobuddy questions wut fur.
We c’n say thangs like reel utter,
SimmYooLurr, BennaFishErAiry.
Innerest, furrmillyurr, Mason Airy,
Flustration and shudder LieBerry.
But as sure as there is air to breathe
And that every day will follow night
Most people pronouncing words
A certain way doesn’t make it right.
Sep 22, 2015
Sep 22, 2015 at 11:53 PM UTC
Beat
Beat back the urge
Beat it back to the Stone Age
You nerd!
I got a motor mouth
A mile a minute
It's a song and dance
But I'm not in it
Bite
Bite your lip
Fool yourself into thinkin'
You've beat it
I got a tigger finger
No gun to pull
A fragile headstock
Lost my cool
I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile
Keep
Keep your cool
Keep it locked up tight
One rule
I got a worn out shirt
It Never fits right
I shift my shoulders
Under the lights
Make
Yourself do better
Make it all go away
It's the weather
I'm a bit twitchy Don't touch me
I need you to love me
You're so far above and I'm so far below
I'm losing control and it's just not enough
My nerves are aching to just get rough
I'm worried what happens if I'm in freeze
I get up the itch and I need a release
There's so much to manage to do and to say
My mouth is just in the way
I'm tic tock tic tock tic tock tickin away
I'll blast off like a rocket into outer space
You can keep it down for a little while
But soon enough you'll be forced to smile
Nov 10, 2014
Nov 10, 2014 at 11:12 PM UTC