#stillborn
To a heart born blue with the moon on one’s face
A butterfly flew and flew, trying to get out of that locked cage
A deathly curse to sleep was a fairytale come true
A life of mere seconds, a life of a heart born blue
Nameless masks stolen, words forged in the blacksmith’s hand
A merciful lie becomes armor, a purpose of a life that doesn’t beat
Though the prince searched long and wide for someone to slay the dragon in the land;
A wave would come, building up and up till all is still but the sea
A fated doom that could not be avoided, a said hero that played along
Crouching at god’s feet, his feathers falling even as he sings his lord’s songs
What mercy, must it be, to have a heart born blue
What mercy, must it be, to see the world and to fall again, for it too
Wasn’t the angel that claimed the breath, but the reaper whose sorrow was far too great
To watch sons and daughters fall from his hands, to be held was a wish granted far too late
Alone, must he be, sad, must he be
To see a thousand lives, wishing for one, to live and to breathe and not just see
For death to come at his hands, even if he sits at the top
The clouds fall away and the land becomes grey, and he knows not how to make it stop
Too late, would he grasp the child’s hands, too late would he rise
Too late would come the sun into dawn’s crying eyes
At but last, how to cry out and to be free, of a curse of eternal life
To not bring the love, the dear, into god’s arms and chosen, promised lifght
Far apart, the rain shall fall. And still the torn souls scream to be free, to fly
But alas, a mercy. To have a heart born blue.
Through this cycle, of endless tries and fails, to hold and to lose the memory
With tears as stars even as it is silent, the birds do not sing
To sleep for a thousand years, and to awake a mother of time
And to become a reaper’s child, one never kept out of sight
Oh, to a heart born blue, no blood to take away
To drown on it’ own breath, but alas, a mercy. Such a mercy, for in life they do not stay
With a heart born blue
Sep 10, 2025
Sep 10, 2025 at 10:17 AM UTC
Cradle song woven upon
a mothers arms,
no tears,
no cries.
Just mothers tears,
cuddling her baby.
No fret just stillness,
she sings
her to peace...
May 2, 2020
May 2, 2020 at 6:09 PM UTC
Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in.
I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.
Apr 19, 2020
Apr 19, 2020 at 11:01 PM UTC
He appears to meet all the throbbing needs of my heart
deep within my long lost desires
My pulsating veins pushing through for a fight
But still, I decided to start, to start that struggle
Only based on the fact that he is too perfect
Yeah, He is, but what about the thousand miles between?
Distance and time brings us to our knees at night
as we hold our hands up high
wishing for a better way to feel
hoping that somehow the universe will shrink
He carried my heart too perfectly
Yeah, He did, but what about the thousand miles between?
All these sweet words I use
Just to describe how in love I thought I was
With the idea of a flawless story, this would be
Or the perfect stillborn we continue to nurture
We held on to each other too strongly
Yeah, We did, but with the thousand miles between, its time to let go.
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 10:11 AM UTC
blue eyes and blue skies
your white pillow lips
your spider leg eyelashes
and the soft, brown bruises that
tiptoe up my wrist
soft downy, warm skin
a tiny entity in the pale moonlight
purple and yellow
wet and slime and rawness
but empty, flutterless, cooling:
the bare nakedness we created
no longer exists
dribbling words
a tipsy house that leans to one side
gentle breeze and creamy clouds-
mashed potatoes to slather with butter or
the fluid that drips down my leg
asphalt, cold but burning
a right a left
a straight
and i stumble
press a hand to the leftover lump of my abdomen
and turn toward an empty, flickering highway
Feb 10, 2019
Feb 10, 2019 at 12:41 AM UTC
Her tiny little face,
So innocent and gentle,
So close to being free,
To being alive.
Perfect little fingers and perfect little toes,
My whole life through a moment in her eyes.
Too beautiful for me,
Too precious to let be,
A glimpse of what could be for me to know,
Now I know I can’t stay here,
Suddenly it’s all so clear,
She needs me,
I have no choice,
I have to go.
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 4:31 AM UTC
I bury this year's stillborn dreams
in the soil of despair, before the
new year begins with colorful
explosions embroidered in the sky.
Dec 31, 2018
Dec 31, 2018 at 3:07 PM UTC
Thoughts descend
in neon whites of infinity
to hit the keyboard as an avalanche of words
to leave thumb-prints of ingenuity.
Words become cadaverous,
impotent to birth them.
They leave stillborns
with pale yellow shadows!
An eerie pain numbs my senses.
I suffocate.
O, had I become the unuttered word!
Sep 26, 2018
Sep 26, 2018 at 6:36 AM UTC
The "us" in my head was just
a stillborn dream of mine.
But in another life, that dream
would live and breathe with us.
Aug 10, 2018
Aug 10, 2018 at 1:58 AM UTC
I heard the silhouette of your heart
echoing in the eyes of our love.
You were a seed that grew entwining
around our everyday lives.
Like a petal you were blossoming,
but then the wilted slowly.
Never did we think beauty could fade,
every heartbeat a precious reflection.
Where once we had joy, then sadness
enveloped our hearts, as still as yours.
When you were born, no tears of joy as
petals had fallen, and stillness entered our lives.
"Every beat is precious,
hold everyone one like its a delicate petal"
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 7:11 AM UTC
Silence greats
a mother
precious life....
Jul 12, 2017
Jul 12, 2017 at 10:02 AM UTC
I didn't expect this dream to be a stillborn
after so many years of seeing this false image of reality
it never arrived intact.
Oct 30, 2016
Oct 30, 2016 at 1:39 AM UTC
Desperate for a baby.
Ultimate sacrifices to make one.
One pregnancy test!
Years of waiting.
In that moment, our dreams came true.
I cried joyous tears; I was going to be a mother.
Most importantly, your mom.
The love grew instantly.
I saw your heart beating and heard the wonderful little thumps.
Striking my senses in amazement.
An intimate sight.
Watching you grow at each ultrasound, as I grew closer to you.
Impatiently waiting to feel you, your first kick.
That anticipated day finally came.
We shared our first moment together.
You never disappointed me.
You gave me everything.
I carried you and loved having you in my belly.
I did everything to protect you.
I had many dreams for you.
I imagined your first smile, your first word, your first step.
I read to you, played with you, hugged you, and kissed you.
I carried you for 31 weeks, that makes me your mother.
I always wanted to be a mother, the best I could be.
I never realized I would be faced with losing my child.
I never expected a mother could be childless.
I don’t understand why life can be horrifying;
You were little, treasured, and perfect.
My world doesn’t make sense without you in it.
A few memories of you is all I have.
Your delicate face, you looked just like your father.
I stared at you, while you never looked back.
You seemed peaceful in my arms.
I wished you could have seen me, your mother who loved you so.
I hoped your muted eyes would sparkle, yet they remained shut.
A couple of hours with you, hours that I would cherish forever.
I embraced and cradled your chilled motionless body.
I gently kissed your soft tiny nose, as a tear fell onto your face.
Pleading to hear you cry,
only you never cried.
The cries ringing in my ears were not yours.
It was time to give you to the nurse.
The hardest part was letting you go.
Conceiving ways of escaping and bringing you home.
A plot remained untouched.
Your father and I left the hospital with a box,
as we watched new parents leaving with their babies.
Why did this happen to us? We nourished you with endless love.
A senseless tragedy I can’t wrap my mind around.
Convinced this is a miserable dream,
still I wake up without you.
Inconsolable and heartbroken
Wishing to be occupied and busy.
An instinctive desire for sleepless late night feeds.
My reality of days drowned by sadness.
As the tears generate a stream in my house.
This lifeless belly; I ache for your little kicks.
Empty and disoriented without you, will this suffering ever stop?
I wanted a baby.
My dream came true, I had you. .
Goodbye Alex, my son, my love, my angel.
© Jl 2010
Jan 23, 2016
Jan 23, 2016 at 10:08 AM UTC
I remember when I held you in my hands
I couldn't stop staring at you
promised I'd be gentle as I can
and I think you promised, too
you'd look like you were sleeping
if your skin wasn't so cold
even though your heart's not beating
it's you I wanna hold
can I cradle you for a little while?
if you don't mind and they don't care
i bet you'd have your mother's smile
i see you have my messy hair
i know I'm too young to be a dad
but I'd have tried my best
it wouldn't have been all that bad
i think you'd be impressed
i don't have all the answers,
i can't tell you why
i never got to say "hello"
and you never said "goodbye"
let's just stay here a little longer
i promise that a little later
i'll be a little stronger
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 9:16 PM UTC
They waited.
They waited long enough..
There he was..
Their bundle of joy..
He hadn't breathed yet..
And now he never will..
Tears won't justify the pain..
Only time will tell..
Show them.. Healing..
A simple act of kindness..
They wait again..
Jul 14, 2015
Jul 14, 2015 at 8:19 PM UTC
Sweet little heart;
a shiny new clock
that wouldn't start.
-ARI
Mar 28, 2015
Mar 28, 2015 at 8:12 AM UTC
any nu::)mber and
you'd b r. -eak witho
ut a c!lue. ?
yo{u're not s}}ad;
nah, that ain't you.
you're _just [giving up
on razor-thin notic.e/
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC
open the floodgates
water now broken
dead stone weight escapes
breath never drawn
mother's tears
let me hold It
stillborn nocturn
broken refrain
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 4:47 PM UTC
All of hell is wrapped in ice
And lodged in our throats.
Sibilating we die, pale and
Cold like a thin rain that
Washes blood from
The summer fields.
Cacophony. A thousand
Shrieking crows produce
Our crepuscular sky.
We suffocate under this Stygian
Blanket, like a naked, stillborn
Fetus on the winter road.
Train me to walk; Stand my
Splintered feet On the fraying rope
- And watch me go.
Jul 5, 2014
Jul 5, 2014 at 7:30 PM UTC